Movie Posters

Considering the Box Office Potential of The Bucket List Based Solely on the Poster

Oct 30th, 2007
by Jason Matthews.
1 comment

Col. Nathan Jessip vs. God

There are many proven scientific ways of determining a film’s box office potential. Star power, strength of schedule, cool title, total number of naked boobies, franchise potential, genre, the presence of a precocious boy who can see dead people, etc. My particular method of determining box office potential is rather simple: I look at the movie poster and decide based solely on the image, whether I want to see the movie or not. I take in all the factors (who’s in it, what studio, release date, et al), and weigh them appropriately, but when it comes down to it, if I like the poster I’m seeing the movie.

Jessica Alba and Paul Walker into bathing suits super-imposed over shots of the Caribbean and high speed boats? Yep, that’ll do. A giant, haunting close-up of Zhang Zi Yi’s Geisha-‘d face? Color The Jay intrigued. Kurt Russell holding two guns in the air while all of Chinatown explodes below him? That’s some Big Trouble The Jay can get into. Now on the other hand, The Rock in a football uniform holding a Pomeranian next to a girl in a tutu? Might not be up my alley. Jason Lee’s constipated face looking down at three CGI Shitmonks? Skip and Flame Online! And Ben Stiller getting stung by a jellyfish, while always enjoyable seeing him get humiliated and attacked by wild sea creatures, does nothing to make me want to see another entry in his long line of “hysterical yelling fits, but not in the awesome Al Pacino-way” films.

I’m a simple moviegoer. Show me a couple cool looks at some movie stars, drop a witty tagline, highlight with some nice colors and give me the info I need about the flick. That’s all you have to do to make a poster that will get me to see the movie.

Let’s take a look at the poster for the new Rob Reiner feel-good dramedy “The Bucket List” (quick plot summary: Jack and Morgan are dying, so they make a list of all the things they wanted to do before they die and set out to do them. In the process they become “good men”, as is necessary in any Jack Nicholson feel good movie.), and see if we can determine the movie’s box office potential.

Let’s start with what Jack brings to the table:

- Jack’s smiling face: + 8 million
- Jack in sunglasses: + 14 million
- Jack playing his age: + 10 million
- Jack looking mischievous: + 22 million
- Jack in an adult comedy without Helen Hunt: + The Jay’s eternal gratitude

Now let’s do Morgan Freeman:

- Morgan looking God-like: +5 million
- Morgan potentially narrating the movie: + 13 million
- Morgan in denim for all the ladies: + 9 million
- Morgan without Ashley Judd: + 17 million
- Morgan not standing next to Clint Eastwood: + Thank the dear lord baby Jesus!

Let’s Note The Detractions:

- Directed by Rob Reiner: – 7 million
- Co-Starring Rob Morrow: – 4 million (stick with the Krumholtz, Northern Exposure)
- Absence of younger-skewing girl hottie: – 14 million
- Remembering the last Rob Reiner adult dramedy was The Story Of Us: – 17 million

Add In The Intangibles:

- Blue Sky background that appeals to older people (aka the AARP Factor): + 10 million
- Combination of two exceedingly likeable actors: + 19 million
- Getting to hear Jack and Morgan’s voices together in the same scene: + 12 million
- Old Men re-gaining their youth is in vogue right now (hello, Wild Hogs): + 9 million
- The potential to do A Few Good Men quotes and Shawshank quotes at the same time: + OH YEAH!
- What’s a holiday season without a feel good Jack Nicholson movie? + 36 million
- Also, seriously, the poster is just fun to look at: + 7 million

And Come Up With A Final Analysis:

I once wrote this of the iconic As Good As It Gets Poster:

How can you look at this poster and not want to see this movie. It tells you absolutely nothing about the film, nor anything about Jack’s character, though none of that matters. As long as you have Jack’s giant head and laconic smile on your poster, the movie will be a hit.

Now add that to the awesomeness that is Morgan Freeman and this movie is destined to make buckets of money (pun intended). The trailer looks great, the poster is infectious fun and the release date is perfect for this kind of movie. If it does less than $150 million, the Golden Globe for Best Comedy and sleeper Oscar nods for Best Actor, Supporting Actor and Picture, somebody screwed up. It’s impossible to go wrong with Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman having fun together. Who doesn’t want to see that? They could have a phone book read-off and it would still do $20 million opening weekend. And I bet the poster for that movie would be just as cool.

If you had any reservations about this movie’s worth, watch the trailer and tell me if there’s any chance you’re NOT seeing it:

Didn’t think so.

Bangarang!

Veronica Mars and The Cheerleader Redeem The Lowly Emmy Awards

Sep 17th, 2007
by Jason Matthews.
2 comments

The opposite of ugly

Yatta, indeed!

That’s a shot of America’s favorite feisty, canceled teen detective repping her new gig on network TV’s best angsty comic action drama with America’s most recent pre-approved hottie; a moment caught on camera that probably caused a nation-wide pants-splooging by any hot-blooded male under 30. Yeah, something tells me Heroes is gonna be quite so watchable this year.

Did you notice how front and center Kristen Bell was with the Heroes gang at the Emmys? Somebody’s happy she’s on a real network now. Dimes to dollars she takes over as this year’s Big Bad? As long as she shares some screen time with Hayden Panetierre and Sylar, her role on Heroes could be as a eighty year-old African American be-acned deaf mute and I’d still be glued to the screen (especially is was that!). She could do the role Tucker Max Drunk and I’d be snapadooed, so long as she throws down with Hayden just once (or even Ali Larter), and has a bitchin’ super power. Season Two could not come fast enough.

ON AN EMMY’S RELATED NOTE: I will not be talking about the Emmy’s. It’s the most corrupt award show in Hollywood and I won’t deem to spend my brainpower coming up with witty commentary on such a predictable, unfunny, awkward, porely-produced, overly-censored, crazy actor wankfest. To that end, suck it Sally Field! Keep your political shit to yourself, you’re no Susan Sarandon (and even SHE can’t get away with it anymore). I loved you in Soapdish something fierce, but you stole that award from Minnie Driver, Mariska Hargitay and Kyra Sedgewick’s assbackwards Southern accent, and you KNOW it.

I’m just going to pretend like the show never happened; that FOX wasn’t so stupid as to put the stage in a circle in the middle of the room so that EVERYONE had to come in from the audience to get to the stage, cause THAT’S was a good idea; that The Sopranos hadn’t gotten their bullshit send-off Emmy, that Hugh Laurie hadn’t gotten robbed, that Ugly Betty would stop pulling a Desperate Housewives and remember that they’re a melodrama and not a comedy, and that Ryan Seacrest would stick to his day job.

But, just for funsies, here’s what I would have voted for had I been a member of the Academy:

Outstanding Drama Series: Heroes – You gotta go with the show everyone loved the most that year, and nothing was more lovable than Hiro, Flying Man!, Peter’s emo bangs, Sylar’s bad ass TK powers, the under-18 hotness of Claire, HRG, The Haitian and annoying mind reader Greg Grunberg. Also, Grey’s screwed the pooch with the Gizzie storyline, House tanked witht he Shitter Tritter arc, nobody watches or cares about Boston Legal except Denny Crane (DENNY CRANE!), and EVERYONE stopped believing in The Sopranos.

Outstanding Comedy Series: 30 Rock – I love this show like a handfull of Dr. Spaceman’s pinks and purples. I can’t get it off my mindgrapes, and was glad to see that at least one Emmy Award given out was deserved.

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series: Hugh Laurie – The best male actor working in television, period. I love The Spader as much the next fan of Blaine from Pretty in Pink, but even HE didn’t think he deserved it this year.

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series: Alec Baldwin – When people ask me if I like Alec on 30 Rock I tell them “I have two ears and a heart, don’t I?” And if you don’t get that joke, I can’t help you. I drop truth bombs! (I seriously can NOT get this show off my mindgrapes!) (OK, enough 30 Rock quotes.) (Also, enough paranthetical asides.) (OK, fine, just one more quote: “…here’s some advice I wish I woulda got when I was your age: Live every week like it’s Shark Week.”)

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series: Minnie Driver – The biggest surprise in television last season. I had just assumed she died after Grosse Pointe Blank, cause nothing she did afterwards was any good, but who knew the fat chick from Circle of Friends could be so subtle and heartbreaking? She flat out pwns as recovering matriarch Dahlia Malloy. I couldn’t sit through every episode of The Riches, but when I did watch, I was riveted every time Driver was onscreen.

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series: Mary-Louise Parker – There is no finer actor working in the medium of television then the women who would be Nancy Botwin. And it’s not even close.

All the rest of the awards are “who cares”, cause when they start giving Emmys to Tony Bennett I start tuning the show out, but big ups to Jamie Pressly, the road from Skinemax to the Emmy stage is a seldom-traveled one, but she made the trip with persistence, talent and aplomb. Also she rules as the only good thing on the ever-lamer My Name Is Earl.

And now back to staring at the two hot blondes with superpowers.

Bangarang!

Good Luck Chuck Movie Poster Review (This Will Not Go Well For Dane Cook)

Aug 16th, 2007
by Jason Matthews.
17 comments

The image of a naked Dane Cook will haunt my dreams... forever.

Let’s get two things straight, right off the bat.

1. Dane Cook is not funny. I will no longer argue about this. It’s not like one of those maybe/maybe not debates like whether Lindsay’s boobs are fake or if Britney cheated on Justin with that Wade Robson d-bag or not. This is fact. It’s science, baby. I have asked people to provide me with samples of his best stuff and it didn’t work. I watched his comedy special and laughed less than five times (That’s a laugh per minute ratio of 1:18. Even dirty joke stealer Carlos Mencia does better than that). I watched Employee of the Month and wanted to rip my own larynx out just so I’d stop involuntarily screaming at the movie to turn on the funny (or at the very least whip out a Jessica Simpson boobie. I mean give us something interesting, please!). And he was the worst part about the tremendously lo-fi comedy, Waiting. He’s just not funny; I dare you to prove me wrong. I double dare. I triple-dog dare. Hell, I’ll even rarely used quadruple-hyena dare you to make him make me laugh. I’ll be writing a 3000 word opus on the merits of Reese Witherspoon before I admit to liking this no-talent assclown.

2. “Jessica Alba” is no longer a reason to see a movie. Men everywhere have finally realized that she’s not getting naked anytime soon, and she’s not compelling enough for us to want to watch with her clothes on (like Angelina Jolie or Megan Fox). We’ve seen about as much as we’re gonna see from her, flesh wise, and I’d venture to bet we’ve seen the apex of her acting skills by now (Honey was a freaking tour-de-force, and Into The Blue was so obviously Oscar Bait). So while she’s great eye candy, she means nothing to me other than I get to bring up how ugly Devon Sawa was in Idle Hands every time I talk about her.

Those two things having been said, and without yet getting to this horrendous poster, why would I ever want to see this movie (Click HERE for the predictably retarded plot outline.)? What reason could there be for me to spend actual real dollars to watch fug nugget Dane Cook try to dry hump the feisty chick from Fantastic Four? Does he get punched in the face a lot? Because that was what got me to watch Ashton Kutcher in Just Married. Does she spend half the movie in a wife beater and boy shorts? Because that’s for damn sure the only reason I sat through Blue Crush (because it wasn’t Kate Bosworth’s charming pluck, I’ll tell you that). Is the movie a radical deconstruction of the boy-meets-girl paradigm that will revolutionize the genre and put shame on the oeuvre of Meg Ryan? Will it change my life like a Shins song?

Yeah, I’m putting my money on “No”. So the movie is already starting in the minus column. Let’s see how much farther down the scale we can go.

I was grossed by this picture in its original form of the John Lennon and Yoko Ono Rolling Stone cover. And while Jessica is a Shaq-sized upgrade in the chick department, a Sunset-tanned Dane Cook isn’t much of an improvement over a doughy Brit. And I am to surmise that the poster is implying that Dane Cook is on the level of quality or talent as John Lennon? One of the greatest musicians to ever live against the dude with the most number of idiot MySpace friends (On an importance scale I’d totally rate the “Superfinger” next to “Imagine”. They’re neck and neck.)? I mean is that even a contest? That’s like pitting Chateau Margot against Boone’s Farm. Or Michael Jordan against the overweight jackass at the gym who hogs the ball and never even hits the rim. Or hello, it’s like comparing John Lennon to freaking Dane Cook! Did someone slip me Mugatu’s crazy pills? Who thought apping that picture was a good idea? Somebody better get fired for this. Seriously.

And a sarcastic golf clap to whomever photoshopped the bejeezus out of this. Jessica looks both like a mannequin and like she was 800 miles away when this picture was taken. Was Dane hugging a pillow and they greenscreened her in? Sure looks that way. If a near-naked Dane Cook was splatting his junk all over your nubile body, would you be serenely smiling? Methinks she was unaware of how they were gonna use her image. Dane looks like he was manscaped within an inch of his life. Like he got the Robin Williams in Hook treatment. And his bicep is just physically wrong. One,he has no definition in his delts or triceps so the concept that his bicep shoots up that high or proud is ludicrous to the moronic power. And two, is the concept that Dane having biceps makes him a movie star? That I’m supposed to like him more because he got a personal trainer? Didn’t work for Jason Biggs, and that guy is actually funny.

Let’s talk about the tagline. “He has to break his curse before she breaks his heart.” Wow, look at that, they did a whole pattern thing there. CLEVER! Look, I get that movies are fiction and that we are supposed to suspend our disbelief. I bought the absurd Shia Labeouf-Megan Fox hook-up in Transformers. I allowed for the possibility that Katherine Hiegl would voluntarily permit Seth Rogen to violate her. And I didn’t even blink watching Adam Sandler degrade Kate Beckinsale in a fast-forward sex scene in Click. But I just can not reconcile Jessica Alba giving this assbutt the time of day. Can’t do it. I know girls like a guy with a sense of humor, but Dane doesn’t have one of those! And he looks like a broke-down Ryan Reynolds, but with less abs. Where’s the attraction? And another thing, as hot as Jessica Alba is, Dane Cook is as proportionally unattractive, thereby making the aesthetic mark of this movie a zero sum game.

The whole affair just gives me the shakes. They are ruining an iconic pop culture image to exploit a Grade-D romcom that even Drew Barrymore would have given the brush off. The stars are worthless, the tagline is inane, and the plot is trite and utterly predictable. Added to that, if given the choice of seeing this or the other movies coming out that week, the Brad Pitt western The Assassination of Jesse James By the Coward Robert Ford, the purportedly great Sean Penn-directed Into The Wild, the new Resident Evil Flick, the intriguing Kevin Kline slave trade drama or even the sure to be delightful Amanda Bynes Show White remake, why would anyone choose to watch a fake-tanned Dane Cook chase his dick around for two hours? Call me an optimist, but I think America has more sense that that.

… then again, they did make his dumbass famous in the first place, so anything is possible.

Grade: F+

Bangarang!

(Follow me on Twitter @jasonamatthews)

Yippe Kai Yay, Movie Posters!

Apr 13th, 2007
by Jason Matthews.
3 comments


It’s officially Spring, and you know what that means, the start of baseball season, a gradual increase in tabloids printing Lindsay Lohan bikini (starting from three per week and moving to eleventy-billion by late-July), Joe Francis giving some poor girl from Iowa a virulent strain of gonorrhea while on Spring Break, and most of all, the yearly mediocre Bruce Willis thriller (not to be confused with the bi-yearly awesome Bruce Willis action movie).

Yes, it’s become quite the ritual to head to the Cineplex in the early part every year and partake in all the wonders that is Bruce Willis staring cock-eyed down the barrel of a gun, looking creaky but cool, and otherwise sleep-walking through a sub par suspense flick that even Jeff Fahey would have turned down ten years ago. From last year’s 16 Blocks, to 2005’s Hostage, to 2003’s Tears of the Sun, and to nearly every Spring since Cybil Shepherd screamed like the banshee she is and got her wish to end Bruce’s television career, nearly thousands of people have looked forward to a Bruce Willis crapfest in the first quarter of the year. And 2007 is no exception.

This week sees the release of Perfect Stranger a “thriller” starring Bruce, Bruce borrowing Burt Reynolds’ toupee, and the utterly useless Halle Berry. QUICK TANGENT: What a waste of an Oscar, seriously. Since we sat through her traumatic Billy Bob sex scene and gave her an Oscar for surviving his awfulness, we’ve been rewarded with the 1-2 punch of Gothika and Catwoman, as well as her sleep-walking through a mediocre X-Men 3. I give Hilary Swank a lot of crap for making Oscar winners look bad in their post-award film roles, but at least she was good to my boy Steve Sanders. What has Halle given us in the last five years? I’d also like to point out that she had to beg Bruce to be in Perfect Stranger. It’s true, I looked it up. She went to his house, knocked on his door and begged. And he grudgingly accepted. Bruce knew she was a stinker. Bruce! The same guy that made Disney’s The Kid, Mercury Rising and North. When you have to beg the star of Color of Night to be in your clunky Spring computer thriller, you may want to rethink your career choices. Or start considering a move to basic cable. BUT ANYWAY…

I tend to like both of these actors quite a bit (Bruce for obvious reasons, and Halle, despite what you just read, kicked ass in Boomerang, Jungle Fever and as a poor man’s Sandra Bullock in Executive Decision), but I just can’t get my git up to see this. I can get passed the film co-starring Giovanni Ribisi, nearly always a red flag for me, but I just can’t help thinking I’ve seen this movie before. Literally hundreds of times. And several of them starred these same people. Take Bruce in Mortal Thoughts or Color of Night. Take Halle in The Rich Man’s Wife. Heck, Lifetime practically makes its bones on the “woman infiltrating the office of potentially creepy yet handsome corporate boss who may or may not have murdered her friend, and oh yeah a computer is involved” genre, it’s their second highest used gambit after “daddy hit mommy at the dinner table and now she’s PISSED, and oh yeah she also has some form of girl cancer that involves her walking through a park as the leaves fall artfully at her feet”. Since I’ve been snookered into one too many bad Bruce Willis spring thrillers (hello, The Siege!), I think I’ll be sitting this one out.

But to honor Spring’s newest official tradition I thought I’d take a look back at the posters for some of Bruce’s more well-known debacles and give them some grades. One thing to note while I go back to the future of Bruce’s movie poster career, watch how his head gets progressively smaller the farther back in time we go. It’s like de-swelling of ego and fame. A reverse star-ectomy. Now that’s a procedure I’d like to see someone get on Nip / Tuck. Preferably Rosie O’Donnell.


Perfect Stranger

And we start with the newest member of the Mediocre Poster for a Mediocre Movie Club. Who really thought this properly sold the movie? Why even cast Halle Berry if you’re not going to show us her boobs? At least Gothika knew THAT much. But worse that Halle is what they did to Bruce. He looks like a disembodied head floating in the East River. Or like Clint Eastwood. The tagline makes no sense in reference to the poster image, there’s a terrible use of spatial relations (the entire left side of the poster is wasted space), and the title is straight out of the Skinemax cannon. If Bruce were still married to Demi she would have laughed at how bad this was. Demi Moore. Star of The Scarlet Letter and The Juror. Yeah. If this movie opens to more than $14 million, I’ll be shocked.

Grade: D


16 Blocks

Posters with a ton of numbers on it remind me of the debacle that was 11th grade Trig, a bad place to start for 16 Blocks when it already has the hurdle of Mos Def to clear. The only thing I like that it’s trying to be a bit of a throwback to the more design-heavy posters of the 70’s. Beyond that, I can’t tell that Bruce is playing a cop (aside from the clue that it’s, you know, Bruce Willis), David Morse is floating in the ether, waiting for CBS to send his latest Hack royalty check, and the transition from the image to the credits is jarring. The movie isn’t actually that bad, but the poster is terrible.

Grade: C-


Hostage

This has no business being a movie poster, and yet I kinda dig it. It’s too dark, it does not answer the question “Is Bruce the Hostage or is he the one holding the Hostage”, and to this day I don’t know if the white circle is meant to be a lens flare or the viewpoint of a sniper rifle. This looks more like the cover of a novel (which may be purposeful seeing as how the movie was based on a book). Despite all those shortcoming, I like that the poster is somewhat obtuse; it’s not suffering from Big Head syndrome, and at least it’s trying to create an iconic image of it’s star. This is the type of poster that would NEVER survive on the DVD, which I appreciate. It’s a perfect poster to be changed into a giant shot of Bruce’s shaved noggin with an explosion in the background, or him holding a big ass gun.

Grade: B-


Tears of the Sun

Have you seen the size of that noggin? It’s like a planetoid. It has it’s own weather system. I bet he cries himself to sleep every night on his wee little pillow.

There is nothing about this poster that works. Not Bruce’s ginormous head. Not the sell line “From the Director of Training Day” (which could easily have been replaced by “From the Director of The Replacement Killers”, so you know it’s bullshit). And especially not Monica Bellucci half in shadow and clutching a baby over her bosom. I call that bullshit the “Hot Girl In Search Of Credibility Trick” or “No Celebrity Boobs” for short. I get that this is a war picture, but c’mon, give us something to look forward to. Some cleavage or a ripped shirt perhaps? Anything to tease us to the possibility that amidst all the gunfights and carnage and Bruce stubble that MAYBE there’s a scene where they stop by a stream and Monica uses her dirty shirt to bathe herself. Am I really asking too much here?

Grade: F- (would have been a solid “C” with some Bellucci boob though)


Hart’s War

When was it decided that a monstrously over-sized shot of a stubbly Bruce Willis was the key art for all big budget military movies? And why didn’t Tears of the Sun learn from Hart’s War’s bitter mistake? I love me some Bruce Willis. I’m ripping him a bit on some of these movies, but there are easily fifteen others that I love. So it pains me to say this, but why would anyone want to see this movie based solely on a picture of his face? To start, the movie is about a trial in a P.O.W. camp, but you wouldn’t know it by looking at it. Secondly, where is co-star Colin Farrell? This movie came out back when he was fun to watch (pre-the awful Ask the Dust, a movie that even Salma Hayek’s bountiful bare breasts couldn’t save, and post-his frisky turn banging future annoying hero Ali Larter in a river in American Outlaws), so why isn’t he more prominently figured. And thirdly, the main reason we go to a Bruce Willis movie is to see him shooting bad guys and dropping cheesy one-liners. So where’s his big ass gun? Why the lame tagline “Beyond Courage, Beyond Honor”? What does that even mean? If I had designed this poster it would have had Bruce and Colin holding some crazy artillery and shooting some evildoers, with the tagline “Imminent Pwnage” sprawled above the credits. And the movie would have done huge business (but still sucked).

Grade: D


Unbreakable

Alright, now we’re getting somewhere. Bruce’s head size has decreased by a factor of ten, Sam Mother Fuckin’ Jackson showed up to look cool, and there’s a creepy blue light shadowing some scary figure in the center. I can get behind this image. Back before The Village and Lady in the Water, a M. Night Shymaladeefreakingda movie was an event. His name was actually a plus. And even though the poster doesn’t actually sell the movie all that well, I have to give credit to the individual elements being used to sell it. Those names plus those faces equals The Jay seeing the movie on opening night (and liking it more than The Sixth Sense).

Grade: B+


The Fifth Element

Alright, now this is a poster! Spaceships zooming around, Bruce sporting some blond locks, the chick from Kuffs looking sexy, Gary Oldman threatening to sick everyone on us (everyone? EEEEVVVEERRYOOONNE!!!), some awesome blue lights and a sweet title. This is exactly what a futuristic sci-fi poster is supposed to look like. I like the cast, the art is intriguing and I want to know more about what the fifth element actually is. The entire marketing campaign for this movie was well done. I especially liked the teaser poster that was just a picture of space with the words “It Mu5t Be Found” on it, and the “5” was in flames. Very cool teaser poster design that was eventually aped by The Matrix. Now if only the movie has had been as consistently cool as its posters, we might have had something.

Grade: A


Last Man Standing

Despite this film sucking worse than Anna Nicole’s decomposing corpse acting in a Merchant Ivory flick (too soon?), you have to dig the poster design. And yes it’s a poster for one of the worst remakes since Rutger Hauer and C. Thomas Howell were too busy to come back for a Hitcher redo, but STILL, “Bruce Willis is the Last Man Standing” is brilliant copy. And the shot of Bruce looking tough in a fedora, shooting a big ass gun, with ANOTHER Bruce behind him bathing him in the light of gunfire, what else can you ask for from a Bruce Willis Movie Poster? I hated hated HATED this movie (yes, I even hated the Walken), but I love this poster. I even had it up on my wall up until it came out and sucked, and I was ashamed to be a Bruce Willis fan for the eighteen months until LeeLoo Dallas Multi-Pass fell into his futuristic taxi cab in The Fifth Element and jumpstarted his cool factor.

Grade: A


12 Monkeys

One of the most iconic movie posters of the last twenty years. It’s so good, I bought it twelve years ago and had it on my wall for nearly a decade. And it’s still in my possession, sitting under my bed right now.

Are you starting to see a pattern here? The more we go back in Bruce’s career, the better his posters get. It’s not a coincidence. As actors become more famous, studios become less creative about selling their movies. They stop going for the interesting design or the daring image and just slap a big picture of their face right above the title. I always enjoy early-career posters more than late ones. Another great example of this is Tom Hanks. Try measuring the coolness of the Apollo 13 poster against the dollface Tom in The Green Mile. It’s not even close.

Grade: A+


Color Of Night

As terrible, cheesy and pornish as it looks, I still like the poster. We had never seen Bruce in this type of movie before, and the filmmakers were smart to hide the fact that he can’t actually pull it off (hello, Perfect Stranger!) by throwing the luscious pout of Jane March’s lips right in the center as a distraction. By putting the controversial star of The Lover in front of the more famous Bruce Willis, we stop thinking about how utterly crappy the movie looks and instead just focus on how we guys all secretly rented The Lover to see Jane March playing a thirteen year-old who gets naked and throws BJ’s at her pervy Japanese boyfriend. And in the end, really, anything that distracts us from the fact that Bruce Willis’s donger shows up halfway through the movie to take the mantle of “Most Traumatic Male Full Frontal Nudity EVER” (until Kevin Bacon snagged the prize in Wild Things), is a good thing. Seriously, how did Demi Moore ever agree to let Bruce do this movie? I bet Ashton is payback for this low-grade big budget soft porn nonsense. I hope it was worth it, Bruce.

Grade: B


Blind Date

I’m going to end our retrospective on Blind Date, purely as a capper to my point of early-career movie posters always being better than late ones. I know it’s the only comedy poster I put up, but it still serves my point. Bruce looking trashed, shoeless (Die Hard shout out!) and with a dazed look, a pre-plastic sugery (and pre-Baldwined) Kim Basinger throwing her hotness right in our faces, and the exact right title for the movie; it all come together to make you want to see the movie. Now imagine this poster if it was just a giant shot of Bruce and Kim making dumb faces. It wouldn’t sell the movie at all. But a guy getting trashed by a hot chick and asking for bail money? That’s something I can relate to. Now if I only I could relate to more Bruce Willis movies this way (read Die Hard)…

Grade: A

Bangarang!

New Die Hard 4 Poster Doesn’t Suck!

Feb 28th, 2007
by Jason Matthews.
5 comments

Die Hard 4 Poster

Well, this is MUCH better! Can we please get a petition going to save the “Die Hard 4.0″ title? Die Hard is one of my top five favorite action franchises, and I won’t allow so great a series to be devalued by so bad a sequel title as “Live Free or Die Hard”. It’s been hard enough getting over Bruce Willis not sporting his customary John McClaine toupee. Not to mention the Justin Long involvement. Or bland Timothy Olyphant trying to living up to the tradition of the Gruber boys. Was it too much to ask for a suitably creepy eurasian actor to play the villain? Was Peter Sarsgaard to busy with his new Gyllenhaal spawn? Did Jason Isaacs ask for too much money? Somebody really screwed up here.

Yikes. Great poster, but I still have my fingers crossed. A lot of people are worried about Michael Bay botching the Transformers movie. I sweat it out over Bruce making a lame Die Hard 4. Please let this me a sign of good things to come…

Bangarang!

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Summer Movie Poster Review: The B-Team

Apr 28th, 2006
by Jason Matthews.
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Ah, the summer movie season… a time for giant big head posters, eight character poster sets and every once in a while, an iconic image or two. My love for movie posters is well documented (HERE, HEREAND HERE), and that love ramps up to 11 come summer time. This is the one time of year when marketing is the main agenda of Hollywood. It doesn’t matter if the movie sucks, just get the people into the theater. And the only way to do that is with a slick trailer and an eye-catching poster. Drive down any street right now and you’ll probably be flooded with movie posters, promoting Da Vinci Code or MI:3, or maybe a few smaller films like Hoot and Over the Hedge. Get used to the flood, because it’s not going away. Over the course of the next three and a half months over 75 major movies will be released, and all will be vying for your attention and your money.

The major blockbusters of the season rarely get the best looking posters because you’re gonna go the movie regardless of what Tom Hanks’ ugly hair looks like. Movies likes Superman, X-Men 3, Pirates of the Caribbean, Da Vinci Code and MI:3 sell because they are a brand, they have big money behind them and they all have kick ass trailers. So with the top five films of the summer taken care of, how do you rank the bottom 70? I say judge by the quality of the poster. You can tell how good a studio thinks their movie is by the quality of the poster. Crappy films get ugly big head posters, good movies get an average looking one sheet, and great films have a unique look that makes you automatically think “cool”.

So for this poster review I’m going to ignore the blockbusters and focus on the summer movie B-Team in an attempt to find which smaller films will be the hidden gems of the summer. I picked 14 midrange summer films and graded their potential worthiness based on the awesomeness (or lack there of it) of their poster. Let’s see how they did…


Talladega Nights

I have this theory that you can tell how much Will Ferrell likes the movie he’s in based on how funny his facial expression on the poster is. Check out the Anchorman poster, with that smug smirk sitting behind his glorious mustache, he knows his movie kicks ass (It’s also a look that says: “I wanna say something. I’m gonna put it out there; if you like it, you can take it, if you don’t, send it right back. I want to be on you.”). Now check out the Bewitched poster, he looks constipated. And he knows how shrewish Nicole was on set, and frankly, he looks mortified about the whole affair; like he’s thinking about calling Lorne Michaels and begging for his old job back. And now Talladega Nights. That’s a look that says: “I play a guy named Ricky Bobby. You know that’s funny. And I’m playing an idiot, and I’m the best in the business and playing dumb. Even Chris Klein doesn’t have me beat. John C. Reilly’s my co-star, oh yeah. You like that? Well guess what else, I love wonder bread. Time to smile.‿ Suffice it to say, that look speaks the truth.

Grade: B+


My Super Ex Girlfriend

Is it me, or does Uma Thurman look beat? Like she’s been packed hard and laid down wet. Like at one time she was this fresh faced ingénue with miles of potential and stunning ethereal beauty, but then she shacked up with Ethan Hawke and got in bed with Quentin Tarantino and now she’s kinda regretting all those long nights on the set of Kill Bill watching bad kung fu movies for inspiration? I usually dig her something fierce, but I don’t know, something’s just not right here. And if there’s one gimmick I hate about movie posters it’s that awful Photoshop trick where you have two completely separate elements and try to make it look like you shot the picture with them both in it. At no time does this poster look real. And for the sake of space, we’ll just ignore for now how unappealing Luke Wilson looks. But I will say this, when the tag line on your poster reads “He broke her heart. She broke his everything.”, you might want to consider making Luke look a little more put out. Because that’s the cleanest I’ve ever seen him look. What did Uma do? Make him sit through Prime?

Grade: C-


Pulse

A sweet, sweet poster. Now this is a gimmick I can get behind. I know they probably did the whole thing in Photoshop, and that probably isn’t even star Kristen Bell in the shot there, but damn, I don’t even want to think about what that cover shoot was like. Hands lying everywhere, some poor Central Casting photo double lying under a bunch of dudes who are bored, pissed off and hot under the lights. I’m thinking they got a little gropey and mean. If this whole affair doesn’t creep you out, I don’t know what will. A perfect horror movie poster. I can’t wait to let The Lady go see this without me.

Grade: A


The Omen

Don’t you get the feeling like they’re trying too hard with this one? Isn’t a creepy kid enough for The Omen (a movie about a creepy kid)? Do we really need all the fog and the weird, spooky forest and the creaky swing and the evil dog? It’s a bit of an overkill. Like, I GET IT, the movie is scary. So what? All I get from this poster is another reason to not want kids for a long, long time. Basically, The Omen poster is a perfect advertisement for birth control. Which, now that I think about it, makes it not have bad.

Grade: D (But a solid “B” if it buys me some time from The Lady)


The Lake House

Alright, let’s just get this out of the way. I’m seeing this movie no matter what the poster, trailer and reviews are like. If you put Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves in a movie together, I will go. I don’t care if they’re remaking Casablanca and Keanu is pulling a Bogey, I’ll be there. I don’t care if they’re remaking Speed, but this time Keanu is the plucky bus driver and Sandra is the gung ho SWAT guy, they got my money. Now, that being said, what the hell is happening here? The Lake House is the only romantic drama of the summer; it has the whole season to itself. If they can manage not to trip over themselves, the movie will gross $80 Million without blinking. But this is a step in the wrong direction. Why put Keanu in black and white? He looks a corpse posing at a bad angle. And this may just be me, but if you call your movie The Lake House, you might want to consider putting a lake house on the poster. Or maybe a speeding bus, just for old times sake. Just a thought.

Grade: C


Just My Luck

From one “boy meets girl” gimmick movie to another, this time with even more disastrous results. How could any art director ever approve this poster? I wouldn’t wish this poster on my least favorite Police Academy sequel. Lohan looks like a rat, the guy is non one I care about and it tells me nothing of what the movie is about. Also, Lohan tried the winking thing on a poster before and it didn’t work all that well then, so why bring it back now? This is exactly what I was talking about when I said that studios show their level of commitment to a movie by the quality of the poster they give it. I think it’s safe to say that Fox hates Just My Luck. And you will too (Trust me, I’ve seen it already.)

Grade: D


The Devil Wears Prada

An average poster, with a mildly interesting concept, but it seems way too much like a teaser poster. I would bet the final official poster is a traditional “big head” poster of a doe-eyed Anne Hathaway and en evil looking Meryl Streep. This one does tell you what you need to know about the movie, though it fails to spark any interest in me. If they really want to cross over and get the men, all they really have to do is put Anne Hathaway front and center, and in something revealing. We’ve seen the girls twice in the last year and we’re still hungry for more. You want guys to come see a movie about Meryl Streep and the fashion world? Then compromise and show us the little Anne’s.

Grade: C


Nacho Libre

NACHOOOOOOOOOO! How could anyone night like this poster? If seeing a pudgy Jack Black in spandex tights, a cape, a curly white guy fro and a cheesy mustache doesn’t make you at least smile, then you have absolutely no sense of humor whatsoever. Black is another actor who tends to have great posters for his good movies and terrible posters for his crappy movies. Based on the evidence here, I’d say we have a hit on our hands. And maybe even a potential nominee for poster of the year.

Grade: A+


Click

Boring. That’s the best way to describe it. It looks like bad DVD cover art. I know that Adam Sandler doesn’t need a good poster to sell his movies (Lord knows he’s had some bad ones in the past: HERE, HERE and HERE), but couldn’t he at least try. That Anger Management poster with him and Jack screaming at each other was brilliant and probably gave the film a $5 million dollar boost in box office. But here, I got nothing to like. And besides, one of the cardinal rules in movie posters is never to center a gimmick on us having to read anything, especially if it’s written in small print. I know this movie is about a magical remote control, but I don’t need to read the buttons to get the point. Couldn’t they have come up with something better? You’re telling me that you have a movie about a remote that can control your life, co-starring hottie Kate Beckinsale and the ever-awesome Christopher Walken and your best poster idea was a giant mug shot of Adam Sandler? To quote Sandler from back in his SNL days: “Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one?”

Grade: D


Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift

I guess I should appreciate that the poster seems more like an international one sheet and less like a boring domestic one. And I get that they need to play up the hot cars and play down the fact that the stars of the franchise keep refusing to come back. But as a whole, I’m a bit underwhelmed. The first two flicks grossed more than $300 Million domestic, so why is Universal so scared of this one? Don’t they get that the cars sell the movie and not Paul Walker? They could put Gilbert Gottfried behind one of those cars and still have a $20 Million opening weekend. I’m going to assume this is also just a teaser and wait to see what else they come up with, because this is not the right way to go.

Grade: B-


World Trade Center

This one’s tough, because on the one hand putting the towers in any form of advertisement is just a reminder that they aren’t there anymore. But on the other hand, it really is a breathtaking image. The sky is gorgeous, the towers are given the right amount of respect and the two cops walking between them is a wonderful, ominous image. I like this poster, though I don’t know yet where I stand on the movie itself. But I will say this, I’m glad the posters have been good for the two 9/11 movies. The United 93 poster, with the plane flying through the crown of the statue of liberty is both inspired and symbolic. I get the feeling that neither one of the 9/11 movies are cheap or exploitative. The posters have been respectful, restrained and hauntingly beautiful. Let’s hope the movies follow suit. But then again, World Trade Center is an Oliver Stone movie starring Nic Cage, so I wouldn’t really count on it.

Grade: A


Ant Bully

What is this? A movie for ants? (Sorry, bad Zoolander joke.)

This is a great poster because the concept is utterly ludicrous. You can’t smush an ant (trust me, I was a little boy once, I’ve tried). They move to darn fast to catch them, and if you do try and bust a squish they just side step you and start climbing up your hand. So now you’re trying to shake it off, but ants have arms like glue so they hold on and now you’re in public and flailing around like an idiot because you were dumb enough to try and stomp an ant. Ants are evil. Always making me look like a fool. Oh, I’ll get them all. One little bugger at a time.

Grade: B+


Cars

If there’s one thing you can always count on in Hollywood, it’s that Pixar will put out a good movie. You may not always like the concept. You may not always be wowed by the trailers. But the movie will always be good. At least, that’s what I keep telling myself every time I look at this poster. It’s not that it isn’t cool, because it is. It’s just, well, it’s about cars. Cars aren’t cute like fish, and they don’t make you feel like a kid again like toys and they’re not as foreign and interesting as bugs and they’re not as special as superheroes. They’re hard to get behind, is what I’m saying. I trust the Pixar gang to give me a good time, but I’m weary. And despite how intricate this poster is, I don’t fully support the cluster approach. Whenever a movie isn’t sure of it’s merits, it clutters it’s poster with everything it can think of, as if a shock and awe campaign would sway to you come see it (Or sway you to ignore that truly awful teaser trailer they put out last year). Like I said, I trust Pixar more than any other group in the business; but I have my doubts, about the movie and about this poster.

Grade: C+


The Break Up

Now this is how you do a romantic comedy movie poster. There are so many levels working here, and all of them are good. The tape down the center, dividing the room in two is a classic bad roommate hook. Anyone who ever hated their roommate or a sibling they shared a room with can relate to that. You have Jennifer Aniston looking tousled and cute (extending her streak of looking good on movie posters), and rocking that annoyed look, one I’m sure she gave Brad quite a bit of while he was shooting Mr. and Mrs. Smith. And you have Vince Vaughn, normally so gregarious and confident, hiding under the pillows. You know they’re getting together in the end, but this poster makes you want to see how they do it. One simple movie poster makes you temporarily forget that Aniston just won’t go away with her personal life, and makes you actually want to see her onscreen. If that isn’t the very definition of a good one sheet, than I don’t know what is.

Grade: A

Overall, a fine crop of B-team movie posters. I get the feeling that no matter how the big guns end up this summer, that there at least a handful of smaller films that everyone can get behind. And if this crop of quality movie posters is any indication, we’re in for a great year of movie art. I can’t wait to see Hollywood top this in the fall.

Bangarang!

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Oscar and The Jay: Best Picture Movie Posters

Feb 5th, 2006
by Jason Matthews.
3 comments

Crash

Simple, powerful, memorable, and above all, pretentious. I like that the poster is a moment from the film, and not just a mass of floating stars faces, which this easily could have been (The poster is brave enough to not show Sandra Bullock, Matt Dillon, Brendan Fraser, Don Cheadle, Ryan Phillippe, Ludacris, and Thandie Newton). And after realizing that the guy on the poster is neither the bald Billy Zane nor a slumming Vin Diesel, you are definitely intrigued as to who it is and what happened to make the guy scream. So intrigued, in fact, that you spend the entirety of the film waiting for the moment, and when it arrives, the all-consuming pretentiousness of both the moment and the shot selection makes you throw up in your mouth a little (Is my bitterness for this film a bit too unsubtle?). So, you know… good things and bad for this one.

Grade: B+

Brokeback Mountain

This is smart poster for a film that knows its success or failure lingers on the reception from the Heartland. Brokeback was always going to play fine on the coasts, the worry was the middle of the country, where the cliché “gay cowboy movie” would effectively kill any commercial chances it may have. This poster does an excellent job of tamping down the “gay cowboy movie” stigma, without copping out by showcasing the women in the movie. The poster plays it straight (no pun intended), there is Ledger and Gyllenhaal, with the mountains in the background. Their faces and posture tell you everything you need to know about the film, without overtly selling the controversy. Without even showing them touching, intuitively, you understand what the film is about. Like I said, it’s a smart poster.

Grade: A

Capote

Well, the title wasn’t lying. That’s definitely Truman Capote. And you gotta respect a film where the poster completely matches the title. So that’s good. So what else is good? Unfortunately, there’s not a lot else. You don’t get a sense of what the film is about, beyond the gigantic twee-looking man. And while everyone should theoretically know who Truman Capote is, the fact of the matter is that we don’t, and this poster does nothing to inform the uninformed. Also, the poster makes the movie look boring. I mean, look at it again, Phillip Seymour Hoffman in a bowtie doesn’t exactly scream “Action”.

Grade: B-

Munich

When I first reviewed this poster I called it “frustratingly vague” while also concluding that “it is an intriguing image for quite possibly the most intriguing movie of the year”. Those thoughts still apply, though I will say that after having seen the film, I believe the poster is right to look the way it does. One man, gun in hand, questioning his reason for holding it (and possibly using it). Spielberg has a long history of wonderful movie posters, with his Oscar winning films being the highlights (Schindler’s List, Saving Private Ryan). While this is not as powerful or as memorable as his past triumphs, it still remains the most intriguing movie poster of the year, and a model for the type of poster simplicity I long for.

Grade: A

Goodnight. And, Good Luck

What is with the large, lazy white space? And why has it become this year’s dominant movie poster trend (Match Point, Little Manhattan)? I get that I’m supposed to dig that Clooney didn’t plop his face on the poster to sell the flick, but man, a bit more intrigue would be nice. With the blocky cast list dominating the white space, the movie’s title ends up looking like a tag line, not a title. And are we just supposed to guess who the guy is at the bottom? If you’re only gonna use 20% of your movie poster, you better fill it with something a lot more interesting than the cuckolded father from the Kevin Bacon-river rafting thriller The River Wild.

Grade: D

So those are my grades for the movie posters of this year’s Best Picture Nominees. And, as promised here are some of my favorite (and in some cases, least favorite) movie posters of Oscar’s pasts, listed in awards order.

The “We Got Al Pacino and Russell Crowe So You Know You’re Seeing This Movie” Award

The Insider

Too bad America was still two years, one Maximus Decimus Meridius and a Dennis Quaid wife swap from falling in love with the fighting Aussie. Still, it’s a sweet poster that showcases great shots of two of the best actors in the business. Sometimes, that’s all you need.

The “We Don’t Care About Men” Award

The Hours

Let’s see, we’ve got a dowdy Meryl Streep, Nicole Kidman dropping from her usual “9″, to here looking no better than a “5″ (at best) and the best looking girl on the poster, Julianne Moore, is relegated to the background. Obviously, whoever designed this poster hates men. And the poster is basically telling women everywhere “Good luck convincing your boyfriend to come see this. Oh, and Julianne Moore is pregnant in this, so you’ve got nothing to sell them on. In your face!”

The “Best Evidence that Hilary Swank is Totally NOT a Dude” Award

Million Dollar Baby

If Hilary Swank ever wanted to convince the world that she was a beautiful, feminine woman, that showing her raging back muscles was definitely a bad idea. Also, on a different note, if Morgan Freeman narrates your movie, please, let us know on the poster. That’s one of the main reasons March of the Penguins did so well. If I saw this poster, and it said “Morgan Freeman narrates the movie. Just like Shawshank Redemption!” I would have totally been there.

The Most Iconic Movie Poster Ever Award

The Shawshank Redemption

How did this movie not make $200 million dollars? I was thirteen when this came out, so I wasn’t exactly cognizant of the movie poster scene, but had I seen this, I may have matured much, much faster. An iconic image from the most underrated movie ever made. I can’t say more good things about this poster. It’s a wall worthy poster of the highest order.

The Creepiest Best Picture Movie Poster Award

Silence of the Lambs

You know a poster is creepy when even without Hannibal Lecter you’re still a bit freaked out. Also, any poster that has a butterfly with a dudes face on it… automatically creepy. Damn, let’s just move on.

The Movie Poster Makes the Movie Award

American Beauty

Possibly the most famous example of a movie poster bring directly responsible for a film winning Best Picture. This was the most intriguing poster of it’s year, with its bare midriff, ironic rose, and perfect tag line. Without this poster, American Beauty is just another dark family drama. With the tummy shot, it’s a powerful statement on the American family and the Best Picture of the year.

The “Jack Being Jack” Award

As Good As It Gets

How can you look at this poster and not want to see this movie. It tells you absolutely nothing about the film, nor anything about Jack’s character, though none of that matters. As long as you have Jack’s giant head and laconic smile on your poster, the movie will be a hit. (And on a related note: It’s always smart to avoid putting Helen Hunt on your movie poster, whenever possible.)

Quirkiest Best Picture Movie Poster Award

Fargo

From the quilted surface and respective needle, to the cool tag line and awesome dead body, the poster is spot on in selling a weird little thriller set in the weird universe of the Coen Brothers.

The Straight-To-Video Award

Field of Dreams

What a disgustingly amateurish poster. If I didn’t know it was a classic tale of baseball and fathers and sons, I would think it’s a low budget B-movie cheapy that was ripping off the success of Bull Durham. Is that supposed to be the Field of Dreams behind Costner? That weak looking row of corn stalks? And is that supposed to be a halo around Costner, or the moon? Did some demented Photoshop designer weasel his way into the Universal art department and nobody noticed? I’m so confused why this movie got such a short shrift, poster wise.

The Out of Nowhere Classic Movie Poster Award

Forrest Gump

Tom Hanks on a bench. That’s all this poster is. And yet, Forrest Gump made $300 million, won a truckload of Oscars and is now an American classic. I have no idea why this poster works as well as it does, but damn if it’s not an icon of poster art.

The “Worst Use of A Movie Star on a Best Picture Poster” Award

The Green Mile

Tom Hanks as a doll. How did anyone think this was a good idea? Does it tell me anything about the movie? No. Does it make me want to see this movie? No. All it does is make me stare at it and wonder “Why is Tom Hanks a doll?”

The “Best Use of a Movie Star on a Best Picture Poster” Award

Gladiator

Russell Crowe, shrouded in shadow, covered in armor, and holding a sword, now that’s what I’m talking about. You don’t need to know anything more about the movie, other than Russell Crowe kicks ass with a broad sword.

And finally…

My Favorite Best Picture Movie Poster

Pulp Fiction

What’s so great about this poster is that you can look at it five times and spot five new, cool things about it. Did you notice the pulp novel she’s holding down? Or the handgun? Or the open pack of cigarettes? So much is happening, from the scratched-out background to the “movie poster as book cover as movie poster” design. It’s ingenious, it’s sexy and it’s cool, everything that Pulp Fiction the movie turned out to be. If you’re a guy, a geek and under thirty, you own this poster, you own the script book and you own the DVD. I stared at this poster for years, praying I’d make a film half as cool as Pulp Fiction. Now, I just hope that when I do make a movie, that my movie poster is an eighth as cool as this, my favorite Best Picture movie poster.

Bangarang!

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