I think we can all agree that despite the 5150′s, the Federline spawn, the going commando, the dinners with Riggs, the bi-polar manic depression and the British accent, that Britney Spears is a Brilliant Genius.***
Anyone that can change the landscape of an entire industry, simply by putting on a Catholic school outfit and flinging her hand in the air, is a mastermind of Lex Luthor proportions (click this link, go 22 seconds in and recognize, fools!). And the way she continued to rule her industry for another seven years (never forget that she has been the BIGGEST celebrity in America since 1997, she wipes her ass with Christina’s fame), all while pop music was on the outs, better singers were popping up left and right, cheating on a beloved teen icon, and putting out the best dance music this side of “Get Into The Groove”? Seriously, how can anyone not agree that Britney Spears is a Brilliant Genius.
But alas, that idea is hogwash today. Britney is a joke, and her talent is all but forgotten. Various efforts to re-energize her career have fallen flat; despite great critical reception to her last album (“Piece of Me” is brills, on the real), no one with “taste” would claim to believe that she has any talent whatsoever, let alone any brains. But I think they’re wrong. And I know how to fix the problem. America will have its pop princess back, and you’ll have The Jay to thank.
Here’s how I’ll do it:
1 – Have her do the theme song to a montage scene in a hit sports movie.
Did you see her new music video? The crazy anime spectacular for her single “Break the Ice”? When I first saw the title I thought it was a remake of the theme song to Rad, the best 80′s BMX movie of all time. Which would have been a-MAY-zing.
And I was bummed to find out that wasn’t the case, however the actual video and song are pretty cool in their own right. She would have made an interesting Aeon Flux…
Break the Ice
Every great sports movie has a classic piece of music attached to it. If we can get Britney to do the theme for some tennis movie or boxing flick, play it over the scenes when our hero is training for the big match, make her the Survivor of the new millennium, that montage will get YouTube-d like whoa, the track will become a staple at every sporting event and it will be in the iPods of every girl on every treadmill in every 24 hour Fitness, ever. She would become, as Randy Jackson likes to say, a true copyright.
2 – Get her tubes tied.
Let her keep bangin’ anyone she wants, just so long as the chance for more offspring is non-existent. This has the added bonus of killing 50% of all the tabloid bs printed about her (“Is Brit Preggers With Adnan’s Baby?”), and removes 30% of all male leeches hoping to lock her down for eighteen years.
3 – Cast her as the third billed lead in an ensemble sitcom, where she plays a character called “Britney Spears”.
A cameo on How I Met Your Mother is a perfect way to slowly integrate her into the world of TV. Maybe after this she does a walk on on a Law and Order, maybe a guest star bit as a patient who dies tragically on ER and then finishes it up with another classic hosting gig for SNL. Britney Spears in a Penelope sketch might literally shatter the Awesome Meter.
Remember, when on point, Britney is a magnetic personality. You can’t take your eyes off of her. She has shrewd comedic timing, and can pull off drama (go back and watch the “Everytime” video, she spits on Stephen Dorff’s acting grave). I’m telling you, she’d make a brilliant TV star. Put her in an ensemble one-camera comedy, where she plays the cooky neighbor who used to be a pop star and it’s a meta-riffic bonanza of hilarity. Hell put her on 30 Rock and she can take Tracey Morgan behind the studio and get HIM pregnant. She has a loyal, built-in audience that would never miss an episode, and I bet we would come to find that she’s a surprisingly good actress.
4 – Three words: Hannah Montana’s Cousin.
If anyone can give credibility to her career, it’s her tween replacement. Let Miley Cyrus do the talking and the kids will listen.
5 – Get Bono to adopt her as one of his charitable works.
If she’s stable and sober for six months it would easily make him the front runner for next year’s Nobel Peace Prize. Bringing peace to a war torn nation is one thing, but getting Britney Spears to keep her clothes on and be a good mom is a whole OTHER thing entirely.
6 – Put her in the Clockwork Orange brainwashing chair and force her to look at images of positive role models and influential artists on a loop for 72 hours.
She’ll be Maya Angelou with Oprah’s drive and charity by Day Two.
7 – Make Madonna the conservator of her estate. If anyone knows how to manage the life of a crazy pop star, it’s Madge.
The British accent may never go away, Brit may become a faux Jew (I could bring her home to Mom!), and the cone bra may get revitalized, but the money would get invested properly, the residual checks would get signed on time, the payroll would get trimmed to within an inch of it’s life and Kevin Federline would be involved in a suspicious accident inside of a month. All good things for our girl.
8 – Recreate this scene from Rocky 3, but replace Britney Spears for Rocky, Christina Aguilera for Apollo, and fame-hungry white nineteen year-olds for cold-blooded black boxers:
9 – Put her on Dancing With The Stars.
She’d win in a walk, which means great press for her and amazing ratings for ABC, the public would remember how great a dancer she is, she’d get into incredible shape again, the routine would snap her back into professional entertainer mode and, best of all, it would blow Joey Fatone’s greasy mind!
10 – Have South Park find the answer for you.
Watch tonight to see Matt and Trey work their wonders on our beloved fallen diva. If the ep is half as funny as the J.Lo/Ben Affleck ep, we may have a classic on our hands. Cheeto flavored kisses for my Federline!
*** Just so we’re clear, I am COMPLETELY serious about this. I truly think she’s brilliant. She’s not just the pretty vessel for a machine of producers. Her talent is quantifiable. She’s like Keanu Reeves, in that after a point, you can’t just point at the pretty and say that’s the reason for their success. You can’t say Keanu is a bad actor or Britney is a bad singer when they’ve been working and succeeding in their respective industries for as long as they have. Would The Matrix have been better or worse without Keanu? I say worse. Would “Toxic” have been more or less awesome had Gwen Stefani sang it? I say less awesome (and with lamer fashion). You have to be SMART to last in the entertainment world. You need brains, chutzpah and balls. Britney has all of those attributes (especially the balls).
I’m bringing her back, kids. That’s happening. And it’s time to start preparing for her return.
Bangarang!
“A person, typically male, who says or does things that cause you to give them a ‘what-are-you-even-doing- here’ look. The ‘what-are-you-even-doing- here’ look is classified by a glare in the tool’s direction and is usually accompanied by muttering of how big of a tool they are. The tool is usually someone who is unwelcome but no one has the balls to tell them to get lost. The tool is always making comments that are out-of-place, out-of-line or just plain stupid. The tool is always trying too hard to fit in, and because of this, never will.?
Is he the best actor in Hollywood? No, far from it (though he has gotten good reviews before, hello Changing Lanes). Has he been involved in a completely annoying celebrity couple? Absolutely, but Bennifer was no more or less intolerable than Brangelina, Vaughniston, TomKat or Nick and Jessica. Has he made way too much money starring in a slew of crappy movies? I think Forces of Nature, Surviving Christmas, Paycheck, Man About Town, Bounce, Reindeer Games and Pearl Harbor speak for themselves. But has he really done ANYTHING worthy of lumping him in with Carson Daly, K-Fed, Criss Angel and any white guy out on the town in a striped shirt? I aim to prove he hasn’t.
You can’t say he’s untalented. Despite what urban myths would say, he wrote an Academy Award-winning screenplay. That happened. He’s won several significant awards for acting. And his directorial debut, “Gone Baby Gone” is getting 
I love me a good motto. I love mottos even better when I can steal them from pop culture. Whether it’s Nicolas Cage’s “B.A.D. – Balls Attitude Direction” from Kiss of Death, “A.A. – Attitude Adjustment” from Rad, or my personal favorite “F.U.B.A.R.” from Tango and Cash, I like to yoink them all for my own personal abbreviated vocabulary. And I’m always on the lookout for a new one; which is why I was only too happy to see Britney Spears recently get in on the motto act. 
Better words will come from better writers today, and as such, I will not attempt to editorialize on the impact of 9/11 nor its unending societal reach six years later. I am not a newsman or a pundit, I’m not a D.C. blogger nor a member of a political party. I lost no one in 9/11 and I know very few people that were even remotely affected by the tragedy. 
It’s just not funny anymore. And I’m sick of it.
Britney has been having a breakdown of Anna Nicole-like proportions since her divorce last fall, and she’s a mother of two. She’s shaved her head, been to rehab no less than 7 times, posted countless insane messages on her website, partied every night, flashed her vag and her tits, disowned her mother, ignored her children, dressed like a crazy person, and generally looks like more of a scumbag than her scumbag ex-husband. And again, she’s a 26 year-old mother of two.
I’m just sick and tired of awarding popularity to these stupid girls. And I refuse to endure it any longer. If one of those girls was a friend of mine I would not being laughing at them, or pumping them up. One of my three best friends is a functioning alcoholic. She used to like to stay relatively sober for most of the year, than go completely balls out of her mind during the summers. She called it “her time to drink”. And I had to watch her destroy herself every time it got warm outside. One summer I just couldn’t take it anymore. I was tired of the bad behavior, tired of holding her hair back while she puked on her lawn, tired of walking in on her hooking up with some sleezy dude (on my bed!), and just tired of her being an all-around shitty friend. So I told her I was done; that when she decided to clean her shit up, she could come find me. And I walked away. It was the only way I could get through to her how much I felt her actions were hurting her. And we didn’t speak for a long while. Eventually she called and apologized, promised not to hit the drink so hard. And I forgave her.
