/Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel arrive at a wedding
She’s Thinking: I said wear the burgundy tie. I’ll be in a burgundy dress, so we’d match. But no, he had to wear the gunmetal grey.
He’s Thinking: My look is sharp, yo! Tizzle tizzle!
She’s Thinking: I put highlights in my hair. I put on make-up. I waxed my legs. I filed down my man shoulders. I did my nails. I sharpened my nose. I am, as always, presentable to the public. But is he? Uh, no. He thinks just because he’s a global sex icon he can get away with looking like a bum. And you know what, he can. But would it KILL HIM to use some damn shampoo once a month?
He’s Thinking: I’m mad at my Bic, and now my beard is thick. What goes around, comes around. WICKA WICKA, REH REH. Bust it! On fyah!
She’s Thinking: I’m not going to drink tonight, because I am in training. Have to keep my figure on lock down. That Megan Fox is gaining on me. And I don’t have the luxury of looking like a natural woman, like her. I have to WORK at it. It takes DEDICATION! Look at him, drunk already.
He’s Thinking: Splishity Sploshity, bitches! JT hear ta holla! Imma get some cake and eat it! Sing-y!
She’s Thinking: Just stay focused, Jessica. Dating Justin is good for your image. You won’t get anymore of those linebacker jokes. People won’t comment on how hard your face is, or how weirdly buff your arms are. Ellen will finally stop calling you. You’re close Biel. CLOSE! Just glaze your eyes over. And… glazed.
He’s Thinking: Man, her hands be strong, B! Like a linebacker with weirdly buff arms.
She’s Thinking: God, he still REEKS of Cameron Diaz. I’m never getting the smell of three-day meth binge out of my apartment.
He’s Thinking: Who’s got two thumbs and loves the McConaughey hygiene plan?
She’s Thinking: I bet he forgot the gift, too.
He’s Thinking: Good thing I always have a gift handy. (pulls box out) Let me just write down the instructions. Step 1…
She’s Thinking: If it wasn’t for his excellent musical taste and sexy dancing style, I swear, I would never go out of my way to be so feminine.
He’s Thinking: I’m Mrs. Oh My God that Britney’s Shameless! Who wants a Piece of Me? Damn, that shit be catchy! Imma ask the DJ to play at. And then Imma gonna dance! JT! DROP THAT TROMBONE BEAT!
Bangarang!
Renee Zellweger: Dammit, did I forget to sew my eyes open today? I knew I forgot to do something. Ah well, hopefully no one will notice.
Patrick Dempsey: Seriously, the hair? Looks good?
