She’s Thinking: I said wear the burgundy tie. I’ll be in a burgundy dress, so we’d match. But no, he had to wear the gunmetal grey.

He’s Thinking: My look is sharp, yo! Tizzle tizzle!

She’s Thinking: I put highlights in my hair. I put on make-up. I waxed my legs. I filed down my man shoulders. I did my nails. I sharpened my nose. I am, as always, presentable to the public. But is he? Uh, no. He thinks just because he’s a global sex icon he can get away with looking like a bum. And you know what, he can. But would it KILL HIM to use some damn shampoo once a month?

He’s Thinking: I’m mad at my Bic, and now my beard is thick. What goes around, comes around. WICKA WICKA, REH REH. Bust it! On fyah!

She’s Thinking: I’m not going to drink tonight, because I am in training. Have to keep my figure on lock down. That Megan Fox is gaining on me. And I don’t have the luxury of looking like a natural woman, like her. I have to WORK at it. It takes DEDICATION! Look at him, drunk already.

He’s Thinking: Splishity Sploshity, bitches! JT hear ta holla! Imma get some cake and eat it! Sing-y!

She’s Thinking: Just stay focused, Jessica. Dating Justin is good for your image. You won’t get anymore of those linebacker jokes. People won’t comment on how hard your face is, or how weirdly buff your arms are. Ellen will finally stop calling you. You’re close Biel. CLOSE! Just glaze your eyes over. And… glazed.

He’s Thinking: Man, her hands be strong, B! Like a linebacker with weirdly buff arms.

She’s Thinking: God, he still REEKS of Cameron Diaz. I’m never getting the smell of three-day meth binge out of my apartment.

He’s Thinking: Who’s got two thumbs and loves the McConaughey hygiene plan?

She’s Thinking: I bet he forgot the gift, too.

He’s Thinking: Good thing I always have a gift handy. (pulls box out) Let me just write down the instructions. Step 1…

She’s Thinking: If it wasn’t for his excellent musical taste and sexy dancing style, I swear, I would never go out of my way to be so feminine.

He’s Thinking: I’m Mrs. Oh My God that Britney’s Shameless! Who wants a Piece of Me? Damn, that shit be catchy! Imma ask the DJ to play at. And then Imma gonna dance! JT! DROP THAT TROMBONE BEAT!

Bangarang!

All the best, brightest and most make fun-able celebrities hit the red carpet for the 64th Annual Golden Globes on Monday. As always, I had spies on the scene recording the secret thoughts of the stars. Let’s see out what they had to say.

Sacha Baron Cohen: I swear to G-d I will knife the first sodded person who asks for a high five. Speaking of, where’s that Ryan Seacrest chap.

Patrick Dempsey: How’s my hair?

Jennifer Hudson: And I am telling you… suck my left tit, Bitch-once! American Idol, represent!

Evangeline Lilly: I am so glad I left the hobbit back on the island. Now where’s that McDreamy guy?

Renee Zellweger: Dammit, did I forget to sew my eyes open today? I knew I forgot to do something. Ah well, hopefully no one will notice.

Isaiah Washington: My agent says I need a nicer name for “faggot”, cause all that faggot talk is bad for my nice guy image. So what’s better? Cocksucker? Nah. Dick Licker? Too literal. Pussy Hater? Too negative. Purple-headed Nob Slobber? Yeah, that’s the one. I did not call that faggot T.R. a Purple-Headed Nob Slobber. But I did call Dempsey a pansy. Next question!

George Clooney: Alright Timberlake, here’s the game. First to five starlets wins. And I’ll even give you a two limoncello head start. Ready? Go!

Justin Timberlake: Guess who’s having sex with anyone he wants tonight? This guy!

Cameron Diaz: Cry me a river… cry me a river. Cry me a river, yeah.

Zach Braff: Dammit, I forgot to put on my anti-douche cream. Now I’ll never be able to make out with Jessica Alba and then whine about it on my blog tomorrow. My life sucks. (Cue pompous indie rock song)

Jack Nicholson: What year is it? Seriously, I have no idea. These things all look the same. Maybe I should take my sunglasses off. On second thought, screw that, I’m Jack. I can do whatever I want. And you know what? I’m nailing that Swank person tonight. Is she a boy? Is she a girl? What I’m saying is this: when you’re facing some free ass, what’s the difference?

Geena Davis: Has anyone seen my career? I think I dropped it. It’s about six feet tall, a hundred and forty pounds, used to be the President? Anybody? Please.

Dame Helen Mirren: Oh Streep, I finally have the better of you. Long live the Queen, bitch!

Mel Gibson: The Jews are responsible for all the awards shows in the world. Which is probably why I didn’t get nominated. Oh hey Salma! Say, your sugartits are looking real nice tonight!

Salma Hayek: If you like my Sugar Tits, you should see my Ugly Betty.

Ben Affleck: The name’s Affleck. A-F-F-L-E-C-K. I believe you’ll find I’m on the list. (grins stupidly)

Masi Oka: Golden Globes! Yatta!

The Jay: Stereotypes! Yatta!

Reese Witherspoon: I hope Ryan’s watching. I didn’t work out eight times a week, cut sugar, salt, bread and water from my diet and spray on my human face just to get hit on by Warren Beatty when Annette’s in the bathroom.

Sienna Miller: I am such a train wreck.

Ali Larter: Don’t look at me. My shit’s bangin’ and my show rules! Love and kisses to Jude. Oh wait, forget that…

Patrick Dempsey: Seriously, the hair? Looks good?

Tom Hanks: It looks great. Trust me, I would know.

Patrick Dempsey: I need a mirror! Stat!

Eddie Murphy: Finally, I’m more popular than Charlie. I’m Eddie Murphy, bitch. The Darkness has arrived!

Angelina Jolie: You get one hour Brad, then it’s back to Cambodia. I mean it. The orphaned babies need me.

Brad Pitt: Fine! Can I go play with George now? Pleeeeease?

Angelina Jolie: I miss Billy Bob.

Hugh Grant: I can’t believe I started my career nailing Julianne Moore and Julia Roberts and now I’m trying convincing the world I want to shag Drew Barrymore. Where did it all go wrong?

Drew Barrymore: I can’t believe I started my career nailing Chris O’Donnell and Adam Sandler and now I get to bone Hugh Grant! I must have don’t something right.

Jennifer Lopez: I am still relevant! I’m the face of Latin Entertainment.

America Ferrarra: Sure you are sweetie. Sure you are.

Meryl Streep: Put my Globe in the car, fetch me a martini and get Gyllenhaal boy’s phone number. That’s all.

Hillary Swank: Remember everybody, I’m still a girl. That fact has not changed. And I’m still single. Line it up, boys! Oh, hi Jack! Nice to see you, too…

Bangarang!