After taking under advisement Beyo-err… Sasha Fierce’s sage advice that “if you like than you should have put a ring on it”, and worried that I might possibly have offended that which I hold quite dear by NOT putting a ring on it yet, even though I love it so, I would like to take this opportunity to claim full-on ring placement on the following people, places and things.

The Jay OFFICIALLY puts a ring on:

- “Sex on Fire” by Kings of Leon

- The cold, Nordic disenchantment of Betty Draper.

- The triumphant, MILF-tastic return of Britney Spears.

- Beyonce wagging her vagina at me (seconds :51 – :57).

- My friend Audiebird, currently rising the BFF charts, who not only introduced me to the Beyonce song and video in question, but carefully and patiently explained to me WHY the song and video are so great, as such is my ignorance of the language of pop music. And also for giving me 15% of all my material. And 8% of all my recent vocal mannerisms.

- The poem “Mayakovsy” by Frank O’Hara.

- Keanu Reeves (natch)

- Random text messages from friends you haven’t seen in forever that lead to spontaneous, fun plans.

- Canada Dry Diet Ginger Ale

- Chicago hot dogs with everything on it.

- My secret belief that Twilight will NOT be the megahit everyone claims it will be. Who REALLY cares about the story of a passive teen girl who falls for a vampire? Seriously, that’s a movie I need to see? Call me when someone gets attacked by a Dementor or plays some Quidditch.

- Old Barney

- Les Grossman on the phone, telling the bad guys to “take a step back… and literally fuck your face.”

- Andy Samberg as Mark Wahlberg talking to animals, resulting in Mark throwing a hissy fit in the press about being parodied, even though it’s a compliment on par with Don Draper holding the door open for you, and then mysteriously showing up on SNL days later to satirize himself, most likely at the behest of his Agent who told him: “you get your ass ON THAT SHOW and say hi to the mother of ANY animal they put in front of you. Even Fred Armisen! How DARE you get your git up about a skit about YOU when you’re BARELY an A-list star? Take a page from Alec Baldwin and go be a mensch. You got it? Good! Now take a step back and literally fuck your face!”

- The realization that if I’m white, I’m Ben Affleck.

- The 2006 Late Harvest Viognier from Zaca Mesa.

- Dermatology

- Anything KT Tunstall has sung in her entire life.

- Mad Men (super natch), and related: Don Draper’s Guide To Picking Up Women.

- Nicole Ritchie on Chuck. There, I said it.

- Gmail’s new ability to block e-mails sent late at night as a precaution against your own poor judgment, a feature I wish T-Mobile would look into (it would save Drunk The Jay from having to write so many apology texts).

- The Miami Dolphins Wildcat Formation

- Facebook status updates that are written in the correct tense.

- The trailer for Australia.

- The trailer for Bride Wars.

- All you guys being cool about me taking a small break from blogging. Recess is over, I promise.

- And of course, OF COURSE, Eddie Murphy’s Giant Head.

Bangarang!

Bangarang!

That’s the video for “Hold On”, the first single off of KT Tunstall‘s new album Drastic Fantastic (KT, btw, is my favorite singer right now; that’s right, suck it Paolo Nutini, I will not grant you your last request.). I’m not entirely sure what to make of the video. It’s either a devilishly smart way to hip up her folk routine and get her music out to the types of listeners who would reject her genre on merit, or it’s a deviously merciless parody of every female pop singer with personality ADD. But whatever it is, it rocks. It rocks all socks. It rocks the house, the kasbah and the vote. Basically, it’s totally ninja.

I’m gonna guess it’s a combination of the two choices. I saw her in concert at the Key Club last year and she had a great perspective about the industry, clearly enjoying her success but smirking at the ridiculousness of it all. She’s never been on of those ardent Lilith Fair singers who acted above it all (ahem, Sarah McLachlin), nor decried making poppier sounding music when her career called for it (cough Liz Phair cough). At the concert she gushed about standing with Justin Timberlake and Christina Aguilera at a photo shoot, without at all mentioning the fact that she could music them under the table. This is a girl whose clearly aware that being self-aware does not preclude her from being a good person.

In the video I caught references to clips from Gwen (bite me, Harajuku Girls), XTina, Britney, P. Diddy, Justin, that aborted Jewel makeover where she showed her ass in a fireman’s outfit, Moby, Fergie, Janet, Avril, J.Lo, and pre-breakdown Mariah, and I haven’t spent more than five minutes on MTV since before The Real World and Road Rules knew what an Inferno even was. The damn thing has everything and the kitchen sink thrown in, backed by a great mid-tempo beat, cool lyrics and an attitude thats just a bit edgier than the stuff on “Eye To The Telescope”. I’m tempted to hate it because my little down-to-earth folk singer is suddenly doing choreography with background dancers in front of a giant lit-up KT sign, but then I see that mischevious smirk on her face and know she’s not serious about any of it. Plus, hello, she does the robot in silver spandex and thin lense 80′s sun-g’s. How can I not love this video?

I’m feverishly anticipating her new record (Drastic Fantastic, due out on Sept. 18th), and fascinated by who else she’s gonna have a laugh at in her next video. Can I suggest something in a Carrie Underwood / American Idol? I have been able to stop humming “Before He Cheats” since before it got hot, and I’m about ready to shoot somebody. So I dug my keys into the side of his pretty little souped up four wheel drive… DAMMIT!

Bangarang!

We’ve been in a O’ Brother Where Art Thou-style pop culture geographical oddity as of late, two weeks from everywhere. The last best movies of the summer just came out (Superbad, Bourne Ultimatum). Men across the nation are still hitting refresh on ESPN.com every few minutes, desperate to make sure none of their prospective Fantasy players goes down in a Preseason two-a-day (and Week 1, though now less than two weeks away, feels like for fucking ever). Harry Potter fever has boiled over. High School Musical 2 came and went with me still not knowing the the eff tween actor Zac Efron is and why he is rubbing his nipples on the cover of Rolling Stone Magazine (P.S. Way to be punk rock, RS!). And the Fall TV Season doesn’t get going until mid-September.

As Al Pacino in Heat once said, what do we got? WHAT DO WE GOT?

So I was pondering the bleak, barren landscape of non-awesomeness that lay before us, and silently meditating on the misery we are facing, until I opened up the Internets and was given the best news I’ve heard in the longest. Variety reports that Kristen Bell as signed on for a multi-episode arc on Heroes, starting in early October. This was my restrained reaction to that news: “Hurrrah! YEAAH!!!!1! Wha, shy, he, za, YEQAJKNBFSFUSA$###! Jackpot.” And to think, just last week I was musing on what great projects Kristen would move to after Veronica Mars, and how those projects are the reason I was OK with VM getting canceled. My prognostication is for reals. Believe that!

I now care only about the fall season. I’m gonna consider the next few weeks a complete wash. Hell, I’m gonna consider most anything a wash unless it concerns Veronica Mars sharing screen time with HRG and Peter Petrelli. The levels of casting kickassitude contained in this development rival just about anything short of full cast sequels to A Few Good Men, Airborne, Rad, The Monster Squad and True Romance or that long rumored Arnold, Bruce and Sly action movie. I love me some summer, but g-damn, bring me that fall! This pop culture geek just got himself a new countdown!

But lest you think I think the fall will rock only because we get to seeKristen Bell and Hayden Panetierre look at each other onscreen (and subsequently exploding the crotch-regions of adolescents everywhere), let me put you at ease. The final four months of 2007 are jam-packed with righteous happenings. The following list doesn’t include everything that rules, but is merely the days I’m looking forward to.

TRULY IMPORTANT POP CULTURE DATES OF THE FALL

Sunday, Sept. 9th – Opening Day of the 2007-2008 NFL Season. A day for much rejoicing, beer drinking, Fantasy Football pool killing, debt collecting, buffalo wing consuming, testosterone flaring, wives and girlfriends despairing, Sportscenter watching, YouTube clip embedding, sports blogging, TiVo commercial double-blooping, porn ignoring, fav team cheering, buddy high-fiving and general wonderment. I can’t wait to eat myself retarded while cheering on my Miami Dolphins as they bring the teal all over the Washington Redskins. Ronnie Brown is gonna be a golden god this year. Trust The Jay.

Thursday, Sept. 13th – TheJay.com Turns 2! There will me much more on this in the week leading up to our birthday, including announcements on my T-Shirt Company, some podcast news and the introduction of an important new running column. Stay tuned…

Sunday, Sept. 16th – Ryan Seacrest flat-irons, I mean “hosts”, the 59th Annual Emmy Awards, the first not really important awards show of the fall. I can’t wait to see The Sopranos and Everybody Loves Raymond win again (what, Raymond isn’t on anymore? Whatever, they’ll find a way to give that shit Best Comedy Series, anyway). Wake me when they start giving awards to deserving TV work, like 30 Rock, Damages, BSG, How I Met Your Mother and Weeds.

Tuesday, Sept. 18th – KT Tunstall releases her second studio album “Drastic Fantastic”. She’s my favorite singer in the world right now, rocks live, has kick style, speaks in an adorable accent, has actual real musical talent, is sweetly down-to-earth and she pretty much destroyed any chance of Jewel ever having relevance again. For all those reasons and more, I love this woman. Also, the new single is steak sauce! I push my tread up a full mph every time my Nano rings the “Hold On” number.

Saturday, Sept. 22nd – Yom Kippur. Day of forgiveness, baby, show some respect!

Wednesday, Sept. 26th – The premieres of Bionic Woman and Private Practice; adding two more shows to my most crowded night of TV watching. The TiVmote is gonna have to work overtime blooping through Bionic Woman, Private Practice, Pushing Daises, Kid Nation, Back To You, Life, Gossip Girl, Dirty Sexy Money and come February, Lost.

Tuesday, Oct. 2nd – The Jungle Book, my favorite animated movie of all-time and easily the best Disney movie of all-time comes out on in a scrumtrillescent new 2-disc Platinum Edition DVD. Words cannot describe how uberhellastoked I am to finally own this movie on DVD (in its been on moratorium for the longest). I have so much Jungle Book paraphernalia that I could practically open my own merch store. Look for me at the El Capitan on Sunday, September 9th for the big screen stage show, I’ll be the shameless geek bear hugging the Baloo mascot (pun intended) and singing along off-key to all the words to Bare Necessities. Hey Mowgli, how about you knock that busy little bee-ya off my nose…

Monday, Oct. 8th – The most likely date for the first appearance of Kristen Bell on Heroes.

Tuesday, Oct. 9th – Eleventy Billion NSFW Kristen Bell / Hayden Panetierre fan-fiction stories are released on the net.

Friday, Oct. 19th – Gone Baby Gone, Ben Affleck’s directorial debut, arrives in theaters. My favorite ‘Fleck gets to prove once and for all that he’s a big talent. And I think he’s gonna prove it in spades. His cast is flawless (Ed Harris, Morgan Freeman, hottie Michelle Monaghan, Casey Affleck, Amy Madigan), his source material is first rate (author Dennis Lehane also wrote Mystic River, which gives me the chance to scream out “IS DAT MY DADER IN DERE!” every time someone mentions that fact) and the trailer is cool, confident and stylish. Matt Damon (Matt Damon!) may be the bigger star and the better actor, but I’m still not convinced that when everything is said and done, Ben Affleck won’t have the better career. And if you don’t believe me than be sure to catch my must-read post “Ben Affleck Does NOT Suck, And I Can Prove It”, coming in early October.

Tuesday, Nov. 6th – Quentin Tarantino FINALLY realizes the long awaited Kill Bill: The Whole Bloody Affair, where we get to watch the entire saga cut together as one movie. I got to watch the flicks back-to-back at the Arclight on Volume 2’s opening night in 2005 and it was a very rewarding experience. I bet taking out the intermission and resorting the order of scenes is gonna completely change how we look at the story of The Bride. My guess is that change will be for the better.

Friday, Nov. 9th – By my count, the most interesting movie going weekend of the fall season. Releasing on this date is the Robert Redford directed, Tom Cruise and Meryl Streep starring political thriller Lions For Lambs, where we get to finally see the full extent of the damage The Cruiser has inflicted upon his career (not to mention the fate of the United Artist movie studio hangs in the balance). Also on this date is Fred Claus, the big budget holiday film that will be the marker for whether or not Vince Vaughn can be a charmingly obnoxious asshole for two hours without Owen Wilson or Jennifer Aniston and still be successful (and look at the rest of the cast: Paul Giamatti, Kevin Spacey, Kathy Bates, Miranda Richardson, Rachel Weisz, Elizabeth Banks and Frank Stallone. That’s a lot of talent. Except for the last one). And on the limited release side we have a new Coen Brothers movie and Southland Tales, the extremely long awaited sophomore flick from Richard Kelly, director of Donnie Darko. That film intrigues the hell out of me, not least because it stars Sarah Michelle Gellar as a porn star, The Rock as her love interest, it’s set in the Valley, centers around an apocalypse on the fourth of July, co-stars Mandy Moore, Seann William Scott, Kevin Smith, Janeane Garofalo and Justin Timberlake, was lambasted at Cannes, shelved for a year because no one wanted to distribute it, is reported to be a complete narrative mess, and oh yeah, it’s a musical.

Tuesday, Dec. 25th – Charlie Wilson’s War, my most anticipated film of the fall, is released in theaters. Written by Aaron Sorkin, directed by Mike Nichols and starring Tom Hanks, Julia Roberts, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, and hotties Amy Adams, Emily Blunt and Rachel Nichols. You couldn’t put together a more attractive package to me. If I was told I’d get Herpes if I watched this movie, I’d call my HMO and pre-book some Valtrex. I think this is also Jesus’s birthday or something. That might be good for some cool goings-on, I don’t know. No lines at the bagel shop, maybe? I’ll keep an eye on this day for more cool happenings.

Sunday, Dec. 30th – Lakers vs. Celtics at the Staples Center. I am dying to see the new big three in green take on Kobe and whatever bunch of idiots they picked up off the street to pass the ball to Kobe. Jesus Shuttlesworth, insane-person Kevn Garnett, Monica Seles-wannabe Paul Pierce and old man Reggie Miller duking it out with acquitted Hershey Highway driver and ballhog extraordinaire Kobe Bryant, all while Jack Nicholson looks on form the front row and leers at the Laker Girls? It’s gonna be the biggest LA sports event of the fall, and I’ll be in the cheap seats taking it all in.

What cool pop culture days of the fall are you looking forward to?

Bangarang!

1. Backing into a police car while freebasing, with one hand tied behind her back.
2. Drop a female deuce in the community pool and then blame it on the Snickers bar she eat at lunch and threw up ten minutes after lunch.
3. Convert to Scientology.
4. Drive Lindsay to her AA meeting, then stand inside the doorway and shotgun Kettle One martini’s while yelling out “Hilary Duff Rules!” when La Lohan’s up to the mike.
5. Join the Celebrivag Flash Club. No one wants to see what a little boy’s skeleton looks like spread eagle and beaver-free.
6. Do a comedy routine, get heckled and call the crowd a bunch of Kramer’s.
7. Eat lunch.

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THINGS I’M PLUGGING FOR A GOOD CAUSE

I’ve been graciously asked to drop some light on a project being cooked up to help support Freedom Writers, the noble-minded new Hilary Swank Teaches Inner City Kids flick (with a seriously eyeroll-inducing title), and since you all know how charitable I can be (after all, I did write a post titled “50 Reasons Why I Like Renee Zellweger“), here’s my movie mitzvah of the week.

“In honor of the film Freedom Writers, a YouTube group called “Be Heard” has been created, featuring brief clips of actors from the film talking about issues affecting youth/teens, such as peer pressure, personal inspiration, motivation, ethics, oppression, morals, tolerance, racism, youth, anti-violence and more. There are also a number of discussions going on within this group around these topics.”

For more information about Freedom Writers, you can go to their official site HERE or their imdb page, HERE.

And to check out the “Be Heard” group on YouTube, please go HERE.

Here’s the trailer:

OK, now that my obligation is out of the way, let me point out that the movie is being released on January 5th, which means two things: 1. Paramount decided not to release it the last week of the year and thereby giving Hilary some potential Oscar consideration, which I have to assume means she’s not that good in it, and 2. January is the dumping ground for shite studio flicks. They release their dogs in the beginning of the year so they can loss lead their books. January crap stays on the 2006 books and doesn’t taint a potentially successful 2007. It’s always better to sneak a turd onto the tail end of a positive ship, where no one will pay it any mind, then to paint it on the bow of a ship’s maiden voyage. This is why Disney made Jerry Bruckheimer tag the month last year with his sports movie wankjob toss off (Glory Road), so it wouldn’t affect the Pirates of the Caribbean stock bump.

A few more salient facts:

1. Hilary Swank, though technically a fine actor, has never made a movie she couldn’t maudlin her way through. And if an in-her-prime Michelle Pfeiffer couldn’t get my git up about inner city kids achieving despite adversity, than Steve Sanders’ ex doesn’t stand a chance.

2. She has actual chiclets for teeth. I’m told Julia Roberts is considering suing her for trademark infringement.

4. Steve Sanders kicked her to the curb. Steve Sanders! This can’t be ignored.

5. Had starred in only one watchable movie in four years (The Core).

6. Paul Haggis is a hack. That really doesn’t relate to the merits or talents of Hilary, but I thought it was worth mentioning.

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THINGS YOU MIGHT NOT HAVE KNOWN

- Did you know that every boxer who has ever appeared in a major motion picture has immediately lost their respective title? Muhammad Ali starred in The Greatest in 1977 and lost his title to Leon Spinks a year later. Tommy Morrison lost his title right after starring in Rocky 5: The One That NEVER Happened. Lennox Lewis lost his title less than a year after cameoing in Ocean’s Eleven. And Antonio Tarver, Stallone’s nemesis enforcer in Rocky Balboa, lost his Middleweight title just a few months ago. Eerie, isn’t it? If I were Oscar De La Hoya I’d turn my ringer off.

- If you already voted for TheJay.com once for Best Culture Blog at the 2006 Weblog Awards, you can vote again. Once a day in fact, until Friday December 15th. So what are you waiting for? You like my jokes, so show The Jay some voter love.

- Chuck Norris turned down the part of Sensei John Kreese in The Karate Kid. Apparently, he doesn’t approve of sweeping the leg, or putting whiny kids from Reseda into a bodybag.

- Also, in regards to Sir Norris, researchers recently discovered the original draft of the Declaration of Independence. It said “Dear King George – Fuck you, we’re leaving. Signed, Chuck Norris.”

- I don’t like Fish. The meal, band or species (though I’ll make an exception for Swedish Fish. Sweet, gummy, kick ass Swedish Fish). Just thought you might want to know.

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THINGS THAT ARE OLD SCHOOL COOL

This is how you make a movie poster. I may not see the movie, but I would definitely put this on my wall (which should be the only rule in deciding if a movie poster is good or not).

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THINGS THAT ARE SAD

- R.I.P. Anita O’Day
- R.I.P. Blood Diamond
- R.I.P. Allen Iverson, Philadelphia 76er
- R.I.P. Eden on Heroes
- R.I.P. Robert Altman

and most of all…

- R.I.P. Clyde Bruckman

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THINGS THAT WILL TANK AT THE BOX OFFICE

Eragon

There has never been a dragon-centered movie that has ever grossed more than $50 million at the box office. Trust me, I looked it up. So why would the makers behind this flick think that just because the book did well, they could override years and years of silver screen dragon ambivalence? If the dulcet tones of Sean Connery couldn’t put ass to seat, then the random blonde-haired Abercrombie model they picked up riding the SAG Financial Core isn’t gonna pull it off. And if you think putting Jeremy Irons in your picture will class the joint up, I’d like to introduce you to Exhibit A: Dungeons & Dragons; yet another dragon movie that was based on a successful source material and ended up a back alley movie abortion. Do yourself a favor, skip the flick, read the book and remember that reading is fundamental.

The more you know…

While we’re on the subject, I was researching the whole dragons suck at the box office phenomenon and found that Dragonheart is the highest grossing flick of the bunch. This surprises me because it stars Dennis Quaid. Long the poor man’s Kurt Russell, The Quaid has never been able to open a movie at the box office, even the blockbusters that were gift-wrapped for him. His Jaws sequel, while kitschy fun (“Overman was killed inside the park. The baby was caught inside the park. It’s mother is inside the park.”), was the lowest grossing Jaws of the bunch, up until Michael Caine realized he had a car payment coming up and poof, Jaws 4: The Revenge. His obligatory disaster movie, The Day After Tomorrow, did very well, but was hardly memorable. In fact, the only thing I really remember about it was Jake Gyllenhaal getting chased by crappy CGI wolves and the recycled ID4 shot of a decimated Statue of Liberty (it’s not a rip off if it’s by the same director. The lesson as always: Roland Emmerich = Creative Genius). He couldn’t open his Cheaper By The Dozen rip off (Yours, Mine and Ours), his Topher Grace breakout dramedy (In Good Company), his classy historical epic (The Alamo), or even his lay-up Hugh Grant comedy (American Dreamz). His only hits were because of someone or something else. The Parent Trap was Lindsay Lohan’s vehicle, Traffic was Soderbergh’s masterpiece, The Rookie was a generic sports hero wankjob, Any Given Sunday was an Al Pacino yells a lot flick, directed by Oliver Stone, and Frequency was a modest hit because he co-starred with Jesus. And yet he continues to get cast in big budget movies.

I get that he’s a name, and I do think he’s a good actor (in fact, I loves me The Quaid), but the fact remains, if you want to open at number one, you’ve got the wrong guy. If you need your movie to gross more than $45 million, you don’t want to be in the Dennis Quaid business.

I think every name actor has their own specific box office ceiling. One or more movies may break the ceiling, but in general, their movies will average whatever their ceiling may be. Dennis Quaid is a $45 millioner. When you make a picture with The Quaid, you’re guaranteed a Dennis Quaid 45. And that’s not too bad. He’s a lot higher than some other stars (like Kevin Costner, Matthew Broderick, or Luke Wilson, to name a few). But studios should bare the numbers in mind when considering who to cast in a big money picture. For example, if you’re making a Dennis Quaid 45, don’t spend more than $60 million, otherwise you’re gonna lose your shirt. If you’ve decided to be in the Hilary Duff business, beware of falling stock prices. That’s a free lesson for all you producers out there. You’re welcome.

Here’s a partial list of some other Box Office Star Ceilings.

- The Denzel 88
- The Jack Black 80
- The Kurt Russell 72
- The Drew Barrymore 55
- The John Cusack 50
- The Richard Gere 42
- The Kate Hudson 35
- The Jude Law 26
- The James Franco 17
- The Katie Holmes 0
- The Madonna -5

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THINGS YOU NEED TO SEE

- If I didn’t already think Kate Winslet was awesome, this clip of her on Ricky Gervais’ show Extras would have put her over the top. Side note: who would have thought that all I needed to get into British Television was Kate Winslet musing about rubbing an Oscar on her fanny. Now why didn’t Monty Python think of that?

- If there’s any truth to Ben Stiller making a Zoolander 2, let me go on record as saying that will be freakin’ sweet. And will go a long way to making me forgive Stiller for making Along Came Polly, Meet The Fockers and Envy. But Ben, a word to the wise, if you do make the sequel remember: “Moisture is the essence of wetness, and wetness is the essence of beauty.” That’s a lesson many sequels would do well to learn.

- The hoax in this clip is not Pauly Shore getting punched in the face (which looked more fake that a Direct-to-Video Seagal flick). The hoax is that the audience is laughing at anything coming out of Pauly Shore’s grody mouth. Seriously, he’s the biggest shit tease in the business. If you’re Pauly Shore (which means you suck), you’re not allowed to make a movie called “Pauly Shore Is Dead” and then not actually kill yourself at the end of it. That’s just getting our hopes up for nothing.

- Here’s just about every TV show ever made, free of charge. (http://tvlinks.voodeedoo.org/)

- Matt Damon is working overtime to make me ignore the fact that he looks like a pig-nosed frat boy, and isn’t nearly as fun to watch has his former hetero life mate, Ben Affleck. And I’ll tell you, I’m starting to turn the corner.

- This article is a fascinating look into what could become the new office time clock of the future. I admire Best Buy’s attempts to blend work life and home life, but have zero confidence they could ever port this idea to their retail stores. Have the Best Buy brass ever actually been to one of their stores? Their employees are about as helpful as a blind man in a garden maze, and about as reliable as asking Nicole Ritchie to drive you to the airport. But still, I’m intrigued how other corporations might embrace this radical idea. (http://biz.yahoo.com/special/allbiz120606_article1.html)

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THINGS THAT ARE TUTTLE

The Lady and I peeped the KT Tunstall concert at the Key Club last Thursday, and it was totally tuttle*. We were fifteen feet from her, and next to one of the speakers, so when she hit the high chords on Miniature Disasters it was like being in the most awesome vibrating bed ever. The opening act got canceled, which was great because I hate going to see a singer I love, but being forced to sit through some dipwad in a pony tale Gavin De Graw-ing his way through a 30 minute set just for the privilege. The show was supposed to start at 8pm, and at 8:10 KT walked on stage, went right into Another Place To Fall, and continued to play for a solid 70 minutes.

She played all the hits off of Eye To The Telescope, my favorite songs off of her new record, Acoustic Extravaganza, and gave us some great inside dirt. Apparently, Other Side of the World is her answer to people who think long distance relationships are a good idea (as in: they’re wrong, which is true). Universe & You is a great song to slip the tongue to. And Black Horse, Cherry Tree is in her words “What it takes to stand next to Christina and Sheryl Crow”. Not exactly sure it takes that much to peer yourself with Xtina, but I respect her for giving respect.

She even did a bunch of the patented Dana Carvey rock concert tricks. She did the “lean back and look into the wings” move. She rocked the “head-to-head guitar playing with her bassist” move. She even did the random audience incorporated clapping. And in a most charming endeavor, she forgot the words to both Black Horse and Suddenly I See (which she closed with) midway through each song, and yet still pulled the mistake off with panache, and kept playing. Female musicians always look great when they’re sheepish. It’s a fact.

If Fiona Apple wasn’t worried before about losing her slot as my favorite female vocalist, then she’s completely out of luck now, because she’s been passed over. KT Tunstall is the goods. I will never miss a KT Tunstall show in Los Angeles ever again, or not buy one of her CD’s. She’s that good.

Here’s a little video education on the Level 5 rock factor of KT Tunstall:

Bangarang!

* Tuttle is a reference to the 2001 movie The Others. Tuttle was the name of the dead gardener who never batted an eye to anything that happened in the movie. He was so chill, so unflappable, so ready to roll his eyes at Nicole Kidman, that when my boy Tim and I saw the flick we were awed by his utter awesomeness. For years after, whenever something was a measure beyond “cool”, we dubbed it “tuttle”. And the KT show was totally tuttle. Thus endeth the lesson.

I launched with a completely different attitude, style and direction than I have today. At the time I was hoping to post 4-5 small posts per week, or about one a day. They were going to be more news-based, similar to the 5,000 other gossip sites that cover the latest La Lohan shenanigans (And while we’re on the subject, seriously Lindsay, put some underwear on. There hasn’t been a celebrity whose cootata we wanted to see less at this point.). So I’d cover the happenings of entertainment, but also intersperse non-time sensitive pieces about whatever I was passionate about that day. This all worked well and good for about a month, when I realized I didn’t have the time to write 1,000 words a day on topics that are being covered more thoroughly and with better pictures, elsewhere (egotastic, defamer and the superficial come to mind). So over the course of the next few months I slowly moved the site to being less news-oriented and more feature-based. I liked the topics more, I had more time to devote to the individual pieces, and I felt like the site became more unique.

The problem was that my post count dropped dramatically. I went from writing 11 posts in September to writing just 5 in October and 7 in November. Over the last year I’ve had to come to grips with the fact that I will never be as prolific as other bloggers. I have too many other things going on in my life to pump out more than 8 posts a month. On the other hand, those eight posts average 2200 words each, so my content volume is probably the same as your average 25 post per month blog. Also, the topics I cover are fresher, and the pieces themselves are deeper in their examination. Basically, you get more by getting less. Unless this site starts paying for my entire life (which I doubt it ever will), you can expect two posts per week at best.

In January I made what some would consider an ill-fated decision to cover the Oscars for a straight month. Eight posts all devoted to the Academy Awards. I even posted a schedule. Bad idea. My computer crashed, I was in a job search and the last thing I wanted to do was talk more about Reese Witherspoon winning an Oscar (shudder). So lesson learned: I will never again post a post schedule. I may allude to things I’ll be writing about (i.e. everyone in the world knew I’d write a Keanu Reeves piece this summer, and you bet you’ll be getting an Emilio Estevez piece when his movie Bobby comes out), but I will never outright tell you when to expect them. Because I will never come through; I abhor deadlines, and they hate me too.

After the Oscars the site faltered for a while as I tried to figure out my next move. My numbers were slowly increasing (they doubled from March to April), but I couldn’t figure out what you all wanted to read. I was picking up the fact that you preferred celebs over movies and movies over TV, but I couldn’t seem to deduce what it was about my writing about movies and celebs that you liked. I wrote some ill-advised pieces about more time-oriented subjects (shudder, Siberia Season, shudder). And I wrote some funny ones that turned out better then I deserved (Ten Sequels I’d Like To See). But ironically, it was my first celebrity target than helped me to move the site in the right direction.

The third post I ever wrote was called “Kenny Chesney Immune To Bitchface”, where I railed on the “fake” marriage between Chesney and Renee Zellweger. A lot of people got upset at me for calling her names and being so mean and hateful. Those people are obviously wrong. As my boy A-Train likes to say “What’s the internet for, if not to slander people anonymously?” In response to the backlash I wrote a piece called “Renee Zellweger Doesn’t REALLY Have a Bitchface”. And over the first seven months of TheJay.com Renee became my target du jour. I slammed her every chance I got. But then in March my Mom asked me to write her a Mother’s Day piece where I was nice to Renee, and I took the challenge. The piece turned out pretty good (read it HERE), but what was better was the reaction from my readers. My numbers went up after I posted the piece. And from that I learned this: highlight a celebrity and talk about something that makes them unique. And from that point on I tried to focus my posts on someone or something, specific.

That practice culminated in early May when I was on the treadmill and was trying to come up with ideas for what I wanted to say about The Da Vinci Code. I don’t care about religion, I didn’t really like the book, and the controversy had been covered ad nauseam by the mainstream press. What I kept thinking about was Tom Hanks’s Hair, specifically how much it sucked. And it got me to thinking about his hair over the years, and I realized that it has always sucked. And thus “Grading the Career of Tom Hanks’s Hair” was born.

Up until that point I hadn’t tried to market or advertise the site. For one reason or another I didn’t think I had written anything worth making a fuss over. But the Tom Hanks piece turned out really good. I happened to chance on the blog site for Vh1’s Best Week Ever and sent the editors a link to my piece. They liked it and suggested I submit it using their “Drop It” feature. A day later Best Week Ever wrote an entry on their main page about my piece and TheJay.com got it’s very first shout out. That was the last time my site was anonymous. Less than a day later the piece has been picked up by more than ten other blogs. A day after that I signed on to my stat program to see that I had jumped more than 18 GB in over a day! And since the most bandwith I had ever done in a single day before that was 200MB, that was a HUGENORMOUS boost in traffic. As it turns out, Ebaum’s World had put my piece as one of their Daily main page links, AND College Humor listed in their Hot Links section. Those two links started a wildfire of hotlinking, and before I knew it I had done 80GB in traffic in just over two weeks, had more than 60,000 new readers, and saw my site get listed on the Alexa Rankings for the first time (at number 1,300,000). I had sites in a dozen foreign languages reprint my post. I had 100 comments before I even knew it (when my previous high had been 9). The traffic request crashed my server; I had to upgrade the size of my hosting plan five times in a week (Big thanks to Greg Swaney at Nexcess.net for his patience, understanding and awesome deal making. To this day, I’m glad to be a Nexcess customer). This post had put my site on the map. What was I going to do for a follow up?

The answer, in short, was Keanu Reeves. I had long since been a fan of The One, and had been defending him to my friends and family for years. After seeing the success of writing about a quirk of a celebrity near the time of the release of their new movie, I knew it was time to write a Keanu piece, in time for his new (quality draining) Sandra Bullock weepfest The Lake House. So on June 6, 2006, late in the evening I posted “Keanu Reeves Does NOT Suck, And I Can Prove It”. It was a great piece that highlighted the forty reasons why Keanu was cool, and I was extremely proud of how it came out. I went to bed a happy man, and with a feeling like this post was going to do good things for TheJay.com. Boy, was I right. By the time I checked my stats the next morning, I had already done more than 5GB of traffic (in less than 10 hours). Apparently, an enterprising reader put a link to the post on Reddit, which prompted an outpouring of support for the two time Ted “Theodore” Logan. The piece shot to the top of their most liked chart, landing it on prime real estate for browsers. And just like the Tom Hanks piece before it, the Keanu piece started a wildfire. I got posted on Keanu fan sites, got picked up on Gorilla Mask, on MSNBC.com, on USA Today and Whitney Matheson’s Pop Candy, and on a bevy of smaller personal blogs. Now, I was not only on the map, I was also a destination reading spot.

Over the next two months, this story got repeated multiple times. From “What’s Hiding In Owen Wilson’s Shag” (which was linked on the front page of the IMDB) to “A Press Release From Anne Hathaway’s Breasts” (which almost got me in trouble from the Associated Press) to “Just How Bland Is Orlando Bloom, Really?” (which nearly got me crucified by ignorant fangirls), the readers and the links kept coming. Less than four months after the Tom Hanks’s Hair piece, I have welcomed more than 250,000 people to my site, and seen my Alexa ranking soar from 1.3 million to 100,000 (I’m now rolling with the big boys of the Top 100k). Last September I had less than 500 unique visitors in the entire month. This year I expect to receive more than 50,000. And I hope to make at least a third of them laugh just once.

I want to thank everyone that has been such a great help to me over the last year: A-Train, The Lady, Tim, the family (but especially my Mom for giving me several much needed guilt trips about not posting enough), Greg Swaney, Attu, Spencer Sloan, John Walkenbach, the guys at Best Week Ever, College Humor and Gorilla Mask, and most of all myself, for being such a witty, witty bitch. I have a lot of great new stuff coming over the next year, including:

1. A redesign (Pimp the new in-development logo up at the top of the post. Let me know what you think in the comments section.)
2. Merchandise (t-shirts, hoodies and underoos coming soon…)
3. An official MySpace page, where you can be my friend (tempting, I know).
4. Podcasts (TheJay, coming soon in Stereo!)
5. Much, much more (I don’t really have a fifth thing planned, I’m just anal about having a nice round number.)

So stick around and enjoy the sarcasm and Reese Witherspoon insults. You won’t be disappointed. For your reading pleasure I’ve provided a breakdown of the site below. It’s everything you eve wanted to know (or probably didn’t care) about TheJay.com. Enjoy!

TheJay.com: A Stat Breakdown

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Total # of Visits: More than 375,000

Total # of Unique Visitors: More than 265,000

Total Bandwidth: More than 300GB

Average # of Readers Per Month: More than 22,000

Average # of Readers Since May: More than 52,000

Biggest Month: July 2006 – 75,000 Unique Visitors, 1,430,000 Hits, 60GB

Biggest Day: August 24, 2006 – 17,000 Unique Visitors, 310,000 Hits, 18GB

Alexa Ranking on May 1, 2006: 1,300,000

Alexa Ranking on September 13, 2006: 100,856 (A 1,300% jump in just four months)

Total Number of Posts: 77 (An average of 6 posts per month. Who says I’m not prolific?)

Total Number of Words Written: More than 160,000 (Good lord, I could have written a book in 160,000 words. And you know what the title would have been? “Tonight at The Jay: Everyone Gets Laid”. It’s tasteless, disgusting, offensive, and the best PCU quote.)

Total Number of Comments: 840

Total Number of Links: 373 links (and counting) from 166 blogs

Best / Coolest Links: IMDB, EW, Pop Candy, Ebaum’s World, College Humor, Gorilla Mask

Most Popular Post: Grading the Career of Tom Hanks’s Hair

Most Controversial Post: Keanu Reeves Does NOT Suck, And I Can Prove It

Most Overlooked Post: Tie:

- Ten Sequels I Would Love To See
- Recasting a Classic: Princess Bride

Worst Post: Tie:

- Siberia Season
- Crash?????????????????!!!?????!?!?!?!???????????!!!?!??!?!?

My Favorite Post: Tie:

- Rachel McAdams Is The Next
- 50 Reasons Why I Like Renee Zellweger
- Future Access Hollywood Spoilers
- Keanu Reeves Does NOT Suck, And I Can Prove It
- A Press Release From Anne Hathaway’s Breasts

My Least Favorite Post: Crash?????????????????!!!?????!?!?!?!???????????!!!?!??!?!?

Funniest Post (per capita): Tie:

- Tearful Celebrity Apologies
- Future Access Hollywood Spoilers

Longest Post: The Jay’s 2006 Summer Movie Preview Extravaganza!!!

My Favorite Posted Picture: The Jake Gyllenhaal Salute

Most Commented On Post: Keanu Reeves Does NOT Suck, And I Can Prove It
– 291 Comments (and counting)

Biggest “The Jay Is An Idiot (more than normal)” Post: The Case For: Brokeback Mountain, Best Picture Oscar Winner

Biggest “The Jay Is So Smart He Might Actually Be A Prescient Being” (aka The “In Your Face, I Was So Right!” Award) Post: The time I told everyone I knew that King Kong would disappoint at the box office (but neglected to write it down as proof of my awesome forecasting powers).

Number of Swipes at Reese Witherspoon: More than 12 (don’t worry, I’ll get this higher next year)

Biggest “Friend of TheJay.com”: Robot Hand Is The Future, who has taken to linking every post I do, despite it’s quality. Thanks man!

Worst “Friend of TheJay.com”: Defamer – Would it kill you to link to me just once? Selfish, link-hoarding bastards (said completely out of love)!

Number of Unwarranted Cracks at Innocent Celebrities: Trick question, nothing I say about celebs is unwarranted. I’m harsh, but I’m right.

“Smartest” Post: Tie

- Breaking the Release Bubble Of Hollywood
- Royal Rumble: Movies vs. Marketing

Meanest Post: Just How Bland Is Orlando Bloom, Really?

Most Kiss Assy Post: I Saw Fiona Apple At The Wiltern And You Didn’t (I had to acid burn my nose just to get the smell of freaky musician ass of my nose.) (P.S. Your welcome for that visual.) (P.P.S.S. Fiona, your awesome; you too KT Tunstall, while we’re at it!)

Most Annoying Reader (s): The ten people or so who keep stealing my columns and reprinting them in their MySpace blogs without my permission. Screw you, thieving jackasses. Respect the Creative Commons liscense, bitches!

Most Awesome Hate Comments:

1. From the Tom Hanks Piece: rougy: Are you serious? Are you for real? Are you that petty and superficial? Here’s my grade for snarky diva websites who blow the miniscule out of proportion: F–

2. From the Tom Hanks Piece: The Dominator: Suck my dick this is horrible the guy is a complete shmuck fuck u and tom hanks get a life douche bag.

3. From the Tom Hanks Piece: Amy: You’re a moron. Plain and simple.

4. From the Owen Wilson Piece: shaia: ok, first off, this is the lamest thing i have ever read….Are people really that jealous of a star? do you NOT have anything better to do?? Did you truly get paid to write this? it is a waste of time, a waste of space, and a waste of probably someone brilliant talent of working for a newspaper (The Jay’s note: My readers are so eloquent. And have the best grammar.)

5. From the Orlando Bloom Piece: Victoria: Ok, I am an Orlando Bloom fan & I thought what you said was very rude, mean & Arrogant. If you don’t like his movies then don’t watch them or are you too stupid to do that because from your article it kind of sounds like your (sic) a complete moron anyway. You’re free to express your opinion but doesn’t make it right now does it. I so happend (sic) to like Pirates of the Caribiean (sic) Dead man’s chest, I didn’t like it, in fact I LOVED IT. You should quit your day job because you don’t know what you’re talking about by the way Troy too was a good movie, I liked it so much I bought the DVD. I think he is a a very talented actor. so all I have to say is nobody likes Jerks, it’s not a good trait. You’re just a jealous hater who has nothing better to do then to put down someone that’s doing better then you. Have a Great day! (The Jay’s Note: Again, let me call out how intelligent and well-written my readers are.)

Most Awesome Fan Mail Comment:

From Tearful Celebrity Apologies: Tony: Hey dude, dis is sum funny shit.

(Ed note: This is all I hope to hear from my readers. I’ve had more effusive fan mail, but this one sums it up best. Keep it coming, Tony. If you keep reading my funny shit, I’ll keep writing it.)

Thank you everybody, for reading and supporting this tiny, sarcastic, uber-witty, ultra-insightful, totally relevant, exceedingly important, humble website. It is much appreciated.

Bangarang!