Bangarang!
Music
Things For Which The Jay Is Putting A Ring On It
After taking under advisement Beyo-err… Sasha Fierce’s sage advice that “if you like than you should have put a ring on it”, and worried that I might possibly have offended that which I hold quite dear by NOT putting a ring on it yet, even though I love it so, I would like to take this opportunity to claim full-on ring placement on the following people, places and things.
The Jay OFFICIALLY puts a ring on:
- “Sex on Fire” by Kings of Leon
- The cold, Nordic disenchantment of Betty Draper.
- The triumphant, MILF-tastic return of Britney Spears.
- Beyonce wagging her vagina at me (seconds :51 – :57).
- My friend Audiebird, currently rising the BFF charts, who not only introduced me to the Beyonce song and video in question, but carefully and patiently explained to me WHY the song and video are so great, as such is my ignorance of the language of pop music. And also for giving me 15% of all my material. And 8% of all my recent vocal mannerisms.
- The poem “Mayakovsy” by Frank O’Hara.
- Keanu Reeves (natch)
- Random text messages from friends you haven’t seen in forever that lead to spontaneous, fun plans.
- Canada Dry Diet Ginger Ale
- Chicago hot dogs with everything on it.
- My secret belief that Twilight will NOT be the megahit everyone claims it will be. Who REALLY cares about the story of a passive teen girl who falls for a vampire? Seriously, that’s a movie I need to see? Call me when someone gets attacked by a Dementor or plays some Quidditch.
- Old Barney
- Les Grossman on the phone, telling the bad guys to “take a step back… and literally fuck your face.”
- Andy Samberg as Mark Wahlberg talking to animals, resulting in Mark throwing a hissy fit in the press about being parodied, even though it’s a compliment on par with Don Draper holding the door open for you, and then mysteriously showing up on SNL days later to satirize himself, most likely at the behest of his Agent who told him: “you get your ass ON THAT SHOW and say hi to the mother of ANY animal they put in front of you. Even Fred Armisen! How DARE you get your git up about a skit about YOU when you’re BARELY an A-list star? Take a page from Alec Baldwin and go be a mensch. You got it? Good! Now take a step back and literally fuck your face!”
- The realization that if I’m white, I’m Ben Affleck.
- The 2006 Late Harvest Viognier from Zaca Mesa.
- Dermatology
- Anything KT Tunstall has sung in her entire life.
- Mad Men (super natch), and related: Don Draper’s Guide To Picking Up Women.
- Nicole Ritchie on Chuck. There, I said it.
- Gmail’s new ability to block e-mails sent late at night as a precaution against your own poor judgment, a feature I wish T-Mobile would look into (it would save Drunk The Jay from having to write so many apology texts).
- The Miami Dolphins Wildcat Formation
- Facebook status updates that are written in the correct tense.
- The trailer for Australia.
- The trailer for Bride Wars.
- All you guys being cool about me taking a small break from blogging. Recess is over, I promise.
- And of course, OF COURSE, Eddie Murphy’s Giant Head.
Bangarang!
Inside the Minds of the Justin and Jessica
/Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel arrive at a wedding
She’s Thinking: I said wear the burgundy tie. I’ll be in a burgundy dress, so we’d match. But no, he had to wear the gunmetal grey.
He’s Thinking: My look is sharp, yo! Tizzle tizzle!
She’s Thinking: I put highlights in my hair. I put on make-up. I waxed my legs. I filed down my man shoulders. I did my nails. I sharpened my nose. I am, as always, presentable to the public. But is he? Uh, no. He thinks just because he’s a global sex icon he can get away with looking like a bum. And you know what, he can. But would it KILL HIM to use some damn shampoo once a month?
He’s Thinking: I’m mad at my Bic, and now my beard is thick. What goes around, comes around. WICKA WICKA, REH REH. Bust it! On fyah!
She’s Thinking: I’m not going to drink tonight, because I am in training. Have to keep my figure on lock down. That Megan Fox is gaining on me. And I don’t have the luxury of looking like a natural woman, like her. I have to WORK at it. It takes DEDICATION! Look at him, drunk already.
He’s Thinking: Splishity Sploshity, bitches! JT hear ta holla! Imma get some cake and eat it! Sing-y!
She’s Thinking: Just stay focused, Jessica. Dating Justin is good for your image. You won’t get anymore of those linebacker jokes. People won’t comment on how hard your face is, or how weirdly buff your arms are. Ellen will finally stop calling you. You’re close Biel. CLOSE! Just glaze your eyes over. And… glazed.
He’s Thinking: Man, her hands be strong, B! Like a linebacker with weirdly buff arms.
She’s Thinking: God, he still REEKS of Cameron Diaz. I’m never getting the smell of three-day meth binge out of my apartment.
He’s Thinking: Who’s got two thumbs and loves the McConaughey hygiene plan?
She’s Thinking: I bet he forgot the gift, too.
He’s Thinking: Good thing I always have a gift handy. (pulls box out) Let me just write down the instructions. Step 1…
She’s Thinking: If it wasn’t for his excellent musical taste and sexy dancing style, I swear, I would never go out of my way to be so feminine.
He’s Thinking: I’m Mrs. Oh My God that Britney’s Shameless! Who wants a Piece of Me? Damn, that shit be catchy! Imma ask the DJ to play at. And then Imma gonna dance! JT! DROP THAT TROMBONE BEAT!
Bangarang!
Translating Britney Spears’ VMA Awards Acceptance Speeches
Did you SEE? Did you see how good our girlfriend DID? She looked fantastic! She was funny and fierce and on point! Charming a rapidly unfunny Jonah Hill, opening the show like a pro, winning three awards and looking like a thousand million bucks doing it; showing all the wannabes how it’s done? That was pure DOMINATION from our little Brit Brit. I could not be more proud of her.
I could be prouder of MTV, though. Their transparent need to resurrect our fallen pop star, a girl still so tenuous and unbalanced, and parade her around their travesty of an awards show, hoping she would crash and burn again, was pathetic. Our girl is doing her best to SURVIVE, and they throw her right back into the fire.
Like it wasn’t enough she shot the hilarious promos for the show? Or that she is doing her best to get back into shape and make new music? That she is still catching hell from last year’s show, which by the way, was ENTIRELY MTV’s fault. They should have NEVER let her go on stage. They KNEW the shape she was in, and they let her go on, anyway. They should be ashamed of themselves. And then to have the unmitigated GALL to make her the centerpoint of this year’s show? That’s just low-fi.
I truly believe she was supes totes pissed on the inside. Girl did absolutely EV-ERY-thing right. Looked hot, was polite and sweet; said all the right things. Was gracious and adorable and brief. But if you know her well, if you get what she is and always has been about, you could read between the lines. Hear what she was really saying. I heard. And I’m gonna tell you what she said.
Best Female Video
What she said:
“I’m speechless, oh my goodness. Thank you! This is an honor. Um, I first want to thank God, first and foremost, for just blessing me like this. My beautiful family. Um, my two beautiful boys for inspiring me every day. And my fans. This is for you. Thank you so much.”
What she really meant:
“Thank you! This is such a sham award! I totally knew I was gonna win, it’s the only reason I’m at this pointless event. Um, first and foremost, I want to tell God to kiss my ass for cursing me like this. G, where were you when I was delivered unto my white trash Momma, who let me drink and fuck at 13, like I had ANY idea what the hell I was doing? Where were you when I was being drugged by Adnan? Where the damn hell ass kings were you when the crush of paparazzi was so ferocious and all-consuming that my only recourse was to quite literally become CRAZY? So no, no thank you, no thank you for you. Jerk. My beautiful family, who have given me only grief, bad press and a custody battle so disingenuous and haunting that Amber Waves from Boogie Nights was embarrassed for me. And my fans. The gay ones that still love me, I love you, too! To all you fair-weather bitches that read the blogs and bought the magazines and helped perpetuate my downfall? Ya’ll can get butt cancer and die! Madonna didn’t get treated this poorly and she had a kid with an illegal alien. Man, I started this pop star shit, and this is the motherfucking thanks I get? Yeah, this sham award is for you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Enjoy me looking great again, it’s all for you. Ingrates.”
Best Pop Video
What she said:
“Thank you. This little moon man is cool, thank you so much. I’m speechless. Um, first again I want to thank God, um, for blessing me like this. My beautiful family. Jive Records. Barry Wise, Larry Rudolf for always believing in me. And of course my fans. Thank you so much. This means a lot. Thank you!”
What she really meant:
“Thank you. Thank you for finally giving me one of these useless awards EIGHT GODDAMN YEARS too late. What am I, Pacino in Scent of a Woman? I INVENTED the modern “hot girl with a sense of humor” pop video. Baby One More Time MADE this pathetic cable station. And now when I don’t actually deserve it, I get this? You guys suck. I’m better than this. Always have been. Let me break this down for you real simple, down home trailer trash-style: you’re doing your best to ignore Christina, Mandy is an actress now and even Country music fans won’t have Jessica. Katy Perry is my swampass at the end of a three-hour dance rehearsal. Miley Cyrus needs to check my Rolling Stone spread and learn herself an education. I was doing the Disney sex slut balance beam gambit when she was too small for Toontown, and my ignorant ass was doing it better. Rihanna is a foreigner, the Pussycat Dolls are whores, Heidi Montag is a joke, Jordin Sparks is a Wookie Ogre, Kelly Clarkson is an oft-putting fattie, Pink isn’t even in the conversation and Carrie Underwood is a freaking robot. But I’m STILL STANDING. I’m still here. I’m still strong (and somewhat sane)! You owe me. And it’s about time you start paying up. Chumps.”
Video of the Year
What she said:
“Wow. Thank you, I’m in shock right now. I was not expecting this. This is such an honor to have this award right now. And I just want to dedicate this to all my amazing fans out there for all your support. Thank you. This is dedicated to you.”
What she really meant:
“Wow. You guys go all out to suck up to a bitch, huh? I’m in shock you think this’ll work. Seriously, you think this is gonna get me better? Huh? Make me well, make me whole? Think I’m gonna have some sort of grand comeback that you can capitalize on? Do you realize that I made the best album of my career when I was clinically insane? That I spent 15 minutes on set, swayed a bit for fun and you’re calling it the Best Video of the Year? That I did four sit-ups last Tuesday and my body immediately snapped back to hotness? Do you get how easy this is for me? This is a joke. And I’m sorry ya’ll can’t do this. I really am. Cause if you could I wouldn’t be forced to watch you fumble around and fuck it up, trying to replace me with freaking Tila Tequila. You know who I dedicate this to? Me. This is dedicated to me. I’m Britney, bitch. A musical genius. Don’t you losers EVER forget it!”
Welcome back, Britney, we’ve missed you. And we’re reading you loud and clear.
Bangarang!
Post-Earthquake Celebrity Facebook Statuses
So LA shook from it’s 2% body fat hinges this morning. After checking on the things that matter most to me in this world: my family, my friends, my 52″ Samsung LCD HDTV, I did what any clear-headed post-quake Angeleno does when our fair city performs it’s occasional Tommy Lee Jones failed disaster flick homage, I went straight to Facebook to read all the status changes.
Within minutes of the first squinch of tremor, the statuses arrived. My favorite came from my younger brother, who, as a native of LA and survivor of the 1994 Northridge Earthquake is nonplussed by anything less than a solid 6.0. His status post-quake read: “[The Jay's Little Brother] was just woken up from the world’s most boring Earthquake.” Let it never be said that the snark gene was isolated solely to my branch of the family tree.
Once I had gone through my group and gained assurance that all concerned were safe and sound, my mind turned to the other important group of people in my life: celebrities. How are they doing post-Chino Hills 5.4? Did their faces shake, too, or did the Botox do its job? Did half the A-list immediately book flights to Cabo for a quickie “relaxation/cheap whores and blow” vacay? I had to know.
So I went around Facebook and checked to see how everyone was holding up. This is what I found:
Michael Bay just found his Act 3 reason for more ‘splosions!!!!
Simon Cowell 5.4? How pathetic.
Shannen Doherty wants to take a pen to the Earthquake’s larynx. How FUCKING DARE it make Shannen FUCKING Doherty walk out of step!
Colin Farell in a doorway. Getting head. Tuesdays!
Mel Gibson thinks fucking Jews were responsible for all the quakes on Earth.
Katherine Heigl is blaming the quake on the writers. The Earth wasn’t given enough… material to stay still.
Paris Hilton I had to use the stairs (for the first time EVAR!1!). That’s poor person hot!
Katie Holmes is SECURITY IS DOWN FOR FIVE MORE MINUTES. Get here quick!!!
Keanu Reeves is whoa’ed
Shia LaBeaouf hopes the world stops spinning soon. It’s been 3 dayz alreadys!!1
Matthew McConaughey was stoked and wowd he was riding a wave during the righteous planet rumble. gave him a wicked kick to his barrel role. god bless geology.
Heidi Montag is putting on make-up. Totally candid Earthquake Victims Recovery photoshoot in 13 mins…
Sarah Jessica Parker is all shook up in the saddle. Neeeigh.
Brad Pitt knows Angie will think this is a sign to move to Cambodia and buy more brown kids.
Jessica Simpson feels no one told me the Earth could, like, MOVE!
Britney Spears is shaked, ya’ll..
Bangarang!
My Blog Is Better Than Your Blog
Watch the video before you read on!
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
My power is more powerful than your power.
My funny is funnier.
I’m Scrunchy Von Scrunch Scrunch
My whoa is better than your whoa.
L-I-V-I-N!
My manly is more manly than your manly.
My talent is funnsmartandgreat.
I’m already my prepping my next reality show.
My TV show is more confusing.
I’m hotter.
I’m more annoying.
Your Oscar speech isn’t very good.
My batshit crazy is crazier than your batshit crazy.
Your cleavage owes my cleavage $20 bucks.
My jiggy smells like baby wipes.
My better.
My better.
Is better than your better.
My better is better than your better.
Thank you very much for coming.
TheJay.com SPARQ Training.
Just Bangarang It!
(Follow me on Twitter @jasonamatthews)
That’sfunnysmartandgreat! Five Things I Learned From the Britney HIMYM Episode
As predicted by me, Britney slam dunked her extended cameo on the alarmingly rapid decline of funny known as “How I Met Your Mother”. She was poised, professional and cleaned-up to the point of 1998 hotness. Every goal for the gimmick came through. The show got big ratings and was legit funny for the first time all season. Britney proved that she can be still for five minutes and speak in coherent sentences. She also proved she can look pretty and down to earth, albeit with a little make-up and favorable stage lighting. She proved that gay guys still love her (NPH was practically drooling.), and she reminded us all of something vitally important about the machine that is Britney Spears: she’s a talented performer!
When she picked up the phone to announce that “Magnum” was there to see the doctor, then silently admonished herself for a such a cheesy move? Brilliant. Michael Cera wishes he could pull off that master class in awkwardness. And if you don’t think I’m about to use “That’sfunnysmartandgreat!” about fifty times over my next twenty posts, well then you don’t know The Jay very well.
Besides learning that I have prediction skills that would make Nostradamus legally change his name to Nostradamthejayisgood, cause I am that good (also, burn!), here’s what else we learned from last night’s Britney-infused How I Met Your Mother:
1. Sarah Chalke needs to dropkick Zach Braff in the face and get her own show with a quickness. She seamlessly picked up the HIMYM rapid fire dialogue, never once made me think I was watching Elliot Reed, and looked totes fetch in the process (yes, I’m making it happen. BMA, Regina George.)
- Fun bonus story about Sarah Chalke: I did extra work on the Scrubs set a handful of times and always found Second Becky to be charming, cute and coordinated. Apparently, this is a unique observation. My fellow blogger Audiebird relayed to me a story about spotting Chalke (my new euphemism for masturbation, btdub) coming out of a restaurant. Her words: “Cute face, but the body was disgusting. She walked like her vagina was being pulled by strings. Love her, though.” Um, gross?
2. Alyson Hannigan saying five retarded lines about biting her nails is what Anthony Keidis would liken to beating up Keanu Reeves in Point Break: “That would be a waste of time.” Can someone please rescue her from CBS and start casting her in movies? Who wouldn’t go see a Alyson Hannigan/Amy Adams redheaded romcom about two sisters looking for love amidst wacky hijinks and pale skin jokes (Ellen Pompeo can play their shrewish, squinty Aunt)? Maxim Magazine’s head just exploded at the thought of putting them on the cover together.
- Also, if Cobie Smulders doesn’t start getting more to do than make bad jokes and wait for the next Robin Sparkles episode, I may demote the show from “Save Until Delete” status to “Keep As Needed”. Why doesn’t she have a parallel finding love story with Ted? She already has the best online dating profile ever. Laser tag, cigars and former Canadian pop star? Um, yes please! I’m starting to get the feeling HIMYM hates women. Just putting it out there.
3. The two minute date idea is adorable, but could never happen in real life, and isn’t even physically possible in Los Angeles. There are no taxi’s at the ready, the restaurant would make you wait 15 minutes even with a reservation, you’d have to watch the movie at a Best Buy (which takes an hour just to get out of), and most of all, waiting outside someone’s workplace is creepy. That kind of move gets you lawyered out here. Or, depending on the fame level of the person you’re waiting for, an exclusive interview with TMZ.
- Also, Ted violated two huge guy dating rules: 1. Never spend more than $40 on a first date, and 2. Don’t date single mothers when you don’t want a kid in your life. The whole affair was doomed from the beginning. I guess if you’re gonna go down in flames, Sarah Chalke is a nice Zeppelin to crash, but still. Barney was right, after the fifth “no” it’s bang the receptionist time. Dem’s the rules.
4. If I ever grow a mustache I won’t look like a child molester (or a 70′s porn star), but instead, like Magnum P.I., only “a million times more handsome”. And dowdy receptionists who are secretly disgraced pop stars making a righteous TV comeback will want me. Of course, the real reason I’d grow a mustache is so I could speak Italian.
5 – Finally, this has nothing to do with HIMYM, so much as it does Jason Segel’s upcoming movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I was driving around The Valley with my younger brother this weekend and we passed one of those bus stop ads that said: “You SUCK Sarah Marshall”. I smiled, because it’s a great ad, but my brother started visibly shaking. I asked what was wrong and this was our ensuing conversation:
Lil Bro: That stupid billboard, I hate it! It’s so douche-y.
The Jay: What are you talking about? They’re hilarious.
Lil Bro: You think it’s hilarious to go around town putting up nasty billboards about your ex-girlfriend?
The Jay: Um… what?
Lil Bro: Yeah, some guy broke up with this actress and is now putting up billboards all over LA with nasty shit written on them.
The Jay: It’s a movie.
Lil Bro: What’s a movie?
The Jay: Those ads? They’re for a movie. With Jason Segel and Veronica Mars? It’s called Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Comes out in a few weeks. No? Anybody? Bueller? It’s just a marketing gimmick.
Lil Bro: No, dude! This guy has a blog about what he’s doing. And I saw the girl’s fan site. It’s real. This isn’t a movie.
The Jay: Look who you’re talking to!
Lil Bro: Look who YOU’RE talking to, ball-ass!
The Jay: I can’t believe you did better on the SAT’s than me.
Bangarang!
