- BABEL
- THE DEPARTED
- LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA
- LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE
- THE QUEEN
Will Win: The Departed - It’s the only film everyone can agree on. Well, at the very least, it’s the only one most people have even seen. This is the weakest crop of Oscar nominees, in terms of box office, in decades. In cases like this, I say go with the movie that has the biggest stars in it. You don’t get any bigger than Nicholson, DiCaprio, Damon and Scorsese.
Should Win: The Queen - Little Miss Sunshine is a cute indie flick, but is in NO way an Oscar movie. Especially not a Best Picture. Please, we learned our lesson with American Beauty. Once burned, twice learned (that Kevin Spacey makes bad movies). Letters From Iwo Jima is a pedigree pick, only here because of the man who directed. Know how I know that? Only twenty people have even seen the damn thing. Babel is a muddled mess of an ensemble film that wasn’t even powerful enough to get Brad Pitt a gimme Best Supporting nomination. Don’t be fooled by pundits who say this could be like Crash. Even Brad is hoping The Departed wins. As for that film, been there done that. With the same director I might add. He should have won for Goodfellas; it’s not The Queen’s fault that people liked Kevin Costner in 1990. The Queen, however, was the best film I saw all year. The most emotional film I saw all year. I learned about things I was unaware of, saw a world I’m not accustomed to seeing, it showcased the best acting performance of the year in Helen Mirren’s titular monarch (more on this later), and it managed to be captivating despite being a story EVERYONE knows. I would be proud to call The Queen the Best Picture of the year.
Best Actor in a Leading Role
- Leonardo DiCaprio, BLOOD DIAMOND
- Ryan Gosling, HALF NELSON
- Peter O’Toole, VENUS
- Will Smith, THE PURSUIT OF HAPPYNESS
- Forest Whitaker, THE LAST KING OF SCOTLAND
Will Win: Forest Whitaker - The Academy tends to toe the line for the Best Actor race, and Forest has the most amount of shiny plaques. Though don’t be surprised if the Academy decides to follow the Be Old rule and give a goodbye award to Peter O’Toole. He was nominated on name recognition, so who’s to say what people actually seeing the movie could do for his chances.
Should Win: Leonardo DiCaprio, but for The Departed. I don’t know who’s brilliant idea it was to play both Leo films down the middle. He was never going to win for a movie he has to do an accent for. No one gets Oscars for accents, they get them for performances. Leo may be brilliant in Blood Diamond, but I bet the only thing people paid attention to was how well he did the South African accent. But he was brilliant in The Departed, without the help of an Oscar bait accent. The Departed was the first time I truly looked at Leo as a man, not a boy. He not only held his own in the scenes with Jack, I thought he was better. Go back and watch the scenes with Vera Farmiga to see the emotion, intensity and desperation in his eyes and words. If that’s not Best Acting, I don’t know what is. Just a monumental blunder by whoever decided to go with Blood Diamond.
Best Actress in a Leading Role
- Penelope Cruz, VOLVER
- Judi Dench, NOTES ON A SCANDAL
- Helen Mirren, THE QUEEN
- Meryl Streep, THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA
- Kate Winslet, LITTLE CHILDREN
Will Win: Helen Mirren - She gave the undisputed best performance of the year. End of discussion.
Should Win: Helen Mirren - Everyone else is playing for second place.
Best Director
- Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, BABEL
- Martin Scorsese, THE DEPARTED
- Clint Eastwood, LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA
- Stephen Frears, THE QUEEN
- Paul Greengrass, UNITED 93
Will Win: Martin Scorsese - The Departed is his Scent of a Woman, so to speak. It’s not his best work, but we screwed up by not honoring him for those movies, so this is the consolation. The Departed was his most accessible film in years, his highest grossing, and was a welcome return to the mobster-genre he defined over the last few decades. And it’s also what might be the last chance to give him an Oscar. It’s a weak year, with even Clint not bringing his best work to the table. In any other year Marty wouldn’t stand a chance. It’s his time. And if he loses to Eastwood again I will never watch the Oscars again. It’ll be a joke. Martin Scorsese is not Susuan Lucci. He’s Martin fucking Scorsese. Somebody better show him some goddamn respect.
Should Win: Martin Scorsese - Do I even need to explain why?
(NOTE: This is an updated version of a column I ran last year before the Oscars. CLICK HERE to read that piece.)
As the saying goes, there are two things you never want to see get made, laws and sausages. Whether that’s true or not I won’t speculate, but if I could add one thing to the expression, it would be Academy Awards. Now I know what you must be thinking, “You can’t see how the Oscars are made!” Ah, but you’re wrong. Of all the awards, positions and accolades given out by a body of people, the Academy Awards are easily the most transparent. Even the Mtv Movie Awards have more suspense these days (How could Jennifer Carpenter in The Exorcism of Emily Rose beat Dakota Fanning in War of the Worlds? I can’t believe Spielberg didn’t rig this. Or that Dakota and her preternatural precociousness didn’t have Carpenter killed so as to blunt the awards glut of arch rival Abigail Breslin. No joke guys, I’m afraid of Dakota Fanning.)
The problem isn’t with the nominees, who more often that not are right on the mark. The problem is that the winners are so pre-ordained that if you don’t win your office Oscar pool every year, you just aren’t paying attention. This isn’t like the NCAA tournament where the weird girl from the smelly cubicle can randomly throw darts on her bracket, picks George Mason over Connecticut, and steals your money. For the Oscars, there are real ways to determine who will win. For example, merely keeping an eye out to the state of affairs in Hollywood will cue you in on the Best Picture race.
(The Departed will win because Hollywood is actively shifting back into a period of BIG, story driven movies. After successive years of divisive, small-in-scope, actor-driven winners, the last thing the Academy needs is for the depressing, manipulative Crash-wannabe Babel to take Scorsese’s glory. They want Marty on that wall. They NEED him on that wall!)
The directing Oscar generally matches the Best Picture, and the two writing Oscars are determined mostly from the WGA, and thus are beyond obvious come Oscar night. And absolutely no one cares about the technical awards. Even the costume designers don’t care about their category. The eight awards given to civilians are very much like throwing darts at a bracket, they don’t affect the Oscars in any real historical way, and besides, doesn’t John Williams win every year anyway? For all the arm-chair critics that decry the Oscars for being too long, how about making it like the Golden Globes and only give out awards where the winner is someone we recognize.
So that covers pretty much the entire show, except for the acting. And that’s what this column is going to cover. Over the next 2000 words or so, depending on how many “Little Miss Sunshine, Really?” tangents I go on, I will teach you how to predict the acting Oscar winners. There is a proven formula that I will share with you today.
Some think that the acting categories are merely a popularity contest, the High School student-body president race of the Oscars. Those people are wrong. I know this, the Academy knows this, and most importantly, actors know this. Actors are well aware that there are ways of manipulating the Academy into giving you an Oscar. Ever heard the phrase “Oscar bait” when someone is talking about one of those pretentious December movies that Miramax used to put out? Career decisions are often made not by money, but by how it will affect their relationship with the Academy. It’s a dance, you see. Some are good at it, and dip their way into Oscar gold before their feet even hurt. Others take so long to learn the steps that when they finally figure it out, they can barely do a box-step waltz. But make no mistake, every actor knows the way, and now you will to.
There are six ways to absolutely guarantee an Academy Award for acting. Any one way on its own gives you the edge in your category; any combination of the six will give you front-runner and likely winner-status. Any three put together, and the other four nominees shouldn’t waste their time writing one of those “I’m so humble about all this” speeches that Kate Winslet cries herself to sleep with. Now there are exceptions to this rule, as there are for anything, but these six ways are tried and true.
- BABEL
- THE DEPARTED
- LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA
- LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE
- THE QUEEN
Overall Thoughts: Everyone, including me, picked four out of the five movies, but I doubt anyone suspected that the four sure fire nominees would not include Dreamgirls. Just a stunning snub! The Academy loves Clint, so it’s no great surprise that his Letters took the final spot, but it says volumes about how the Academy views Dreamworks. They didn’t even nominate Bill Condon for Best Director! I saw Dreamgirls just the other day and thought it was a MUCH better movie than Little Miss Sunshine. The former is an electrifying journey through the era of Motown; a movie musical of the highest order and a supremely difficult technical achievement. The latter is an above average studio indie, with characters I’d seen before performed by actors I’ve liked more in other roles. Who knew the adorableness of Abigail Breslin could take a movie so far. R.I.P. Dakota Fanning.
Biggest Surprise: None, really. Each film has won major awards this season (Sunshine just picked up the PGA Award, which by the way, has predicted the Best Picture Winner 11 out of the last 17 years. Interesting…). The only surprise here is the amount of supposedly “Oscar worthy” films that missed the boat. Children of Men, Pan’s Labyrinth, The Good Shepherd, Dreamgirls, World Trade Center, Little Children, Bobby (just kidding) and Borat all had early buzz but could not get over the voting hump. The only film I’m truly sorry wasn’t nominated was Children of Men, my third favorite film of the year, and a picture of emotional distance far superior than Babel.
Biggest Snub: Dreamgirls, like it could be anything else. From the moment this project was announced it was on the short list for the Oscar. Critics went out of their way to slobber on it. Even though I thought it lagged in the second half, I would still have put it in the top group. It’s the type of movie that just gets nominated. But audiences thought differently. Dreamgirls is not doing as well as it should be at the box office. I’m not entirely sure what that’s due to (an all black cast, a general malaise with regards to musicals, Jamie Foxx), but it just goes to show that the silent majority in the Academy Awards voting is the general audience. Not even a surprise win at the Golden Globes could silence the collective “whatever” of America. Telling, that.
- Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, BABEL
- Martin Scorsese, THE DEPARTED
- Clint Eastwood, LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA
- Stephen Frears, THE QUEEN
- Paul Greengrass, UNITED 93
Overall Thoughts: A fine class of directors who all better get out of Marty’s way if they know what’s good for them. If anyone besides Scorsese wins this race they will forever be the Robin Williams* (EDITED*) who stole Burt Reynolds’ only shot at Oscar gold. They will be the new Kevin Costner (who stole Scorsese’s last best chance at Oscar gold, when his Dances With Wolves work won over Goodfellas). How can any self-respecting Academy voter not give the award to the best dramatic filmmaker of the last fifty years, who HAS NEVER WON BEFORE? If Scorsese loses, I’m gonna come at the Academy like a spider monkey.
Biggest Surprise: Paul Greengrass. This looks to me like a “you made a great movie, but it’s too soon to nominate a 9/11 movie so we’re nominating you here as consolation”. United 93 is an exceedingly well-made movie, and when watched, it is quite noticeable how much effort must have been put in to make the narrative coherent and compelling. I applaud the nomination, and agree with the imaginary sentiment I stated above. If United 93 was ever going to be recognized by the Academy, here’s where it would have happened.
Biggest Snub: Bill Condon, Dreamgirls. What else does this man need to do to win an Oscar? He got the performance of a lifetime out of Jennifer Hudson. He single-handedly revived Eddie Murphy’s career. He finally showed the world why Beyonce is the real deal. And he took the film to picture when no one else in the last 25 years could. And also, it was really good. I don’t know, maybe he needed to put some Nazi’s in the picture? Or Abigail Breslin doing her Little Miss Sunshine pageant routine? Yikes, what a travesty.
- Leonardo DiCaprio, BLOOD DIAMOND
- Ryan Gosling, HALF NELSON
- Peter O’Toole, VENUS
- Will Smith, THE PURSUIT OF HAPPYNESS
- Forest Whitaker, THE LAST KING OF SCOTLAND
Overall Thoughts: This is the exact group of men that were expected to be nominated. I’m happy for Ryan Gosling, an actor I feel is at the top of the game. Let’s hope his dark horse nomination leads him to make more marketable films. He could very easily be The Next, just like his Notebook co-star Rachel McAdams. Generally though, there are no surprises here. Whitaker is the frontrunner and has been since the start. He’s taken most every critics prize, including the Golden Globe, and I expect him to win here, too. But he better deliver a damn good speech. I don’t wanna hear him stumbling like he did at the Globes. I want him to man up, take the podium and expound on the ups and downs of his career. Most of all, and this might just be a pipe dream, I want him to mention his stellar work in Bloodsport. Because when I saw him chasing Jean Claude Van Damme down the streets of Hong Kong I thought to myself, “Now there goes a future Oscar Winner.”
Biggest Surprise: That Leonardo didn’t push to be nominated for The Departed over Blood Diamond. I think he would have had a better chance with the Scorsese movie, than the one where he tries on an ill-fated South African accent. I haven’t seen the flick, so I really shouldn’t comment, but he’d have to be explosively good for me to not to think he’s the most American South African I have ever seen.
- Penelope Cruz, VOLVER
- Judi Dench, NOTES ON A SCANDAL
- Helen Mirren, THE QUEEN
- Meryl Streep, THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA
- Kate Winslet, LITTLE CHILDREN
Overall Thoughts: The most dignified race of the night, with three high class actresses, one classic in the making and Penelope Cruz. We all know that Helen Mirren is taking this award, so there really isn’t any tension in this category, but it will still be fun to see Judi Dench and Meryl Streep play the gracious loser card. In the game of “Helen deserved this, not me” I’ll take Meryl plus the points. Also, is it too soon to start calling Kate Winslet the Susan Lucci of the movies? Somebody get this girl into a a crippled Holocaust survivor movie and quick!
Biggest Surprise: None, though can you believe Penelope Cruz is actually living up to her early promise? Am I still allowed to call her “Box Office Poison” now that she’s an Oscar Nominee? (Looking at her imdb resume…) Judges ruling? YES!
“Boy was I lucky my anti-aging cream came in time for this premiere. Who would have thought that the same orphans I’m adopting could also be used as pulp for my unholy Immortal Hotness potion.”
“American Airlines announces it’s hiring of the hottest flight attendant EVER. In the event of a plane crash, please hope you are an empath. If so, please touch the flight attendant for safety.”
“The new nose should keep Justin around a few more weeks. Maybe I should schedule a ham flap lift for the Spring. Surfing season is just around the corner…”
“Good god, is that Jennifer Garner? Whose soul did she suck to get hot again? I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again, Ben Affleck is a lucky, lucky man.”
“Oh, you like that smile? You forgot how hot I am when I smile, didn’t you? Never forget how many times you whacked off to my nude scene in Mulholland Falls. NEVER!”
Stay by your devices for instant messaging and internet porn this Thursday at 4pm, be they Mac or PC, as I guest host the live podcast “PopLoad” for NowInLa.com. It’s a pop culture show designed to drop a smelly wet one on the celeb shenanigans of the day. Basically, it’s like reading one of my posts out loud. The show is live, so if you want to ask me a question you can call in or text message. I’ll be premiering some stuff from this Friday’s Year in Film Awards post, and maybe even throwing out some trivia questions to the listeners. It’s gonna be fun.
If you miss the show I’m pretty sure you can download the episode afterwards. For more info on the show, click the banner on the sidebar or go through this LINK.
I went in to the worst video store EVER the other day to rent a few inane, distraction comedies (I needed something on in the background while I wrapped gifts, and wouldn’t you know it, Owen Wilson and Kate Hudson are absolutely perfect to ignore), perused the oddly spaced New Release wall – why was there an entire section set aside for Americn Pie 5, but only four copies of Brick? – and scored my Butterscotch Stallion fix, then braved the absurdly long line. I ignored the inexplicably slow service and sat patiently while the half asleep guy behind the counter ineffectually went about ringing me up. I drove all the way home, laid out the gifts and wrapping paper, went to put in the movie, only to find that the moron behind the counter forgot to take the security locks off of the tapes, so I couldn’t open either box!
So now I’m in a quandary. Do I get dressed and drive all the way back to Blockbuster just to get the locks pulled off, have a credit put on my account, throw some condescension at a minimum wage tape slag and then drive all the way back home, or do I just say screw it and watch TV instead?
Ten minutes later I was at the store.
I tell the guy he made the mistake, and his response? “Ah, my bad! I’m such a dumbass.” At least he owned up to it. I want a credit for the hassle and he tells me I have to ask for the manager. The manager (a hugemongous beyotch of a woman) makes me wait for nearly ten minutes (which wouldn’t be that big a deal, but I’m on crutches these days, so I only have one foot to stand on, and I’ve been putting it to use for the better part of a day), and when she finally deigns to help me she gives the shit eyes. Like I’m putting her out because her CSR is an idiot? In the immortal words of Erin Brockovich, bite my ass, Krispy Kreme! Don’t give me grief because you people suck at your monkey job; I’m not the thirty year-old working the late shift at a Sherman Oaks Blockbuster Video.
I don’t understand why the entire world hasn’t switched to Netflix, yet. Then again, I’m the same guy who’s astounded that the world rejected the Champagne Punch jellybean, so what do I know? However, I do know one thing: the next time I need a fix of inane Butterscotch Stallion jokery I’ll just pop in my well-worn copy of Zoolander on DVD and save myself the trouble (“You is talking loco and I like it!”).
Also…
Dear Blockbuster Video,
I hope Netflix socks you in the face like the crappy corporate suckhole you are.
- Dan Marino is nothing if not intense. Just too bad he didn’t bring that same passion to Ace Ventura, or he might have had some Oscar talk. Well, probably not, but it might have helped stop all the Razzie talk.
– If you enjoy shuddering at the thought of Chris Berman picking up chicks, today’s your lucky day. Expect “you’re with me, leather” to become a permanent reference here at TheJay.com.
- Here’s my Holiday gift to all my wrestling fan readers out there. Here’s the entire match of Hulk Hogan vs. Andre the Giant from the legendary Wrestlemania 3. Enjoy not getting any work done for the next ten minutes.
– This piece makes me hardcore pissed that HoopsTV.com folded. That was a sick sports blog, before blogs became the norm.
Birthday wishes go out to Steven Spielberg, my all-time favorite director, who celebrated his 60th birthday on Monday. He may not always make the coolest movies, or even the smartest movies, but his movies are always exceedingly watchable, expertly made and laced with the type of magic seldom seen on-screen. In other words, he makes the best movies.
There isn’t a person in this country who doesn’t love at least one of his flicks, be it Jaws, Raiders, E.T., Jurassic Park, or one of the other twenty-one. His films touch our hearts, excite our minds and dazzle our eyes. He is responsible for millions of kids wanting to be film directors; and the conductor of an even higher number of childhood playtime fantasies. He was my first inspiration as a writer and budding director. And he remains my favorite creator of movie magic. Even when he makes a movie I don’t like ( like The Terminal) I still find great things in it, like the amazing airport set, which I got to walk through when I worked as an extra on the film (which means I might just love it because I’m visible in two shots of the movie).
To honor the bearded great one, here are ten Spielberg movie moments I love:
- Two moments stand out for me from Jaws: 1. The entire USS Indianapolis speech (“..thing about a shark. He’s got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll’s eyes…”). 2. When the shark drags the first barrel underwater and Hooper loses him in a chase; I love the quiet moment when Quint stands on the end of the starboard walk ramp, holding his rifle and shaking his head, while the sun sets beautifully around him. It was a look that spoke volumes. We’re gonna need a bigger boat, indeed.
- The over the shoulder pull back to reveal the government base at Devil’s Mountain, in Close Encounters. The first use of what is now known as “The Spielberg Shot”. Often imitated, never topped, it is still the best way to do a reveal on film.
- The scenes of kids trick-or-treating in E.T. As a boy who grew up in The Valley, watching a movie about a young boy and his alien best friend who lived, essentially, around the corner from me (I used to play in the same park as Elliot), brought me countless fever dreams and daytime pretend adventures. The moon shot is still a stunning image, and easily makes for the best production company logo EVER.
- The climax in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, when Indy is hanging off the ledge, desperately trying to reach the grail cup, while Henry tries to pull him to safety. Henry can’t get Indy’s attention, and their grip is starting to falter. Indy’s got mad glory in his eyes, but Henry realizes what’s truly important and gives Indy the lesson our intrepid archeologist has been looking for since we saw him run from the boulder in Raiders.
Henry: Indiana. Indiana, let it go.
That line gets me more than any other moment in the series. A perfect encapsulation of the life these men lead. Man alive, can Spielberg make a movie!
- The trailer over the cliff sequence in The Lost World. So well-choreographed and executed, it comes off like a Gene Kelly dance, as interpreted by Wes Craven. I love the look on Julianne Moore’s face when she realizes what’s about to happen. “Oh shit” never looked cooler on a girl.
- The epic 20 minute storming the beach scene in Saving Private Ryan, specifically the extended sequences done in silence as Tom, slightly deafened from a blast, takes in the violence happening all around him. Arguably the most realistic depiction of war ever committed to celluloid. And the fact that this film lost to a Gwyneth Paltrow romantic comedy makes me sick at both ends.
- The opening credits of Catch Me If You Can, with the Pink Panther-like animation and the John Williams jazz riff. It was a signal that we were not about to see a typical Steven Spielberg fantasy, but instead something far more playful and sophisticated. And it is easily my favorite Spielberg movie of the last ten years.
- “Oh, there you are, Peter!”
- The spider sequence in Minority Report. The creepy mechanical crawlers search the entire building looking for Tom Cruise’s John Anderton (the last time The Cruiser was effortlessly cool on-screen). They can’t detect Cruise because he’s lying motionless in an ice cold bathtub. The last spider is walking away when Cruise lets one tiny air bubble slip out of his mouth. And the spider hears it. The delicate double take of the CGI creature is so smooth, so graceful as to be almost unnoticeable. But let there be no mistake, it is a sly stroke of genius. And serves as yet another reminder why Spielberg uses CGI better than anyone else on the planet. Michael Bay better learn himself an education by next summer. A BIG FUCKING ROBOTS movie needs all the subtlety it can get.
- The first dinosaur reveal in Jurassic Park. Maybe the single best reveal shot of the last half decade. Ellie is going on and on about some indigenous wildlife and Grant turns her head to see what he was looking at and all we see are her eyes go wide. Ellie rises out of the jeep and then BAM, we cut to the most perfectly realized depiction of a prehistoric animal ever put on film. I can still see my Dad shaking in the theater, awestruck by what he was seeing. That’s the type of reaction Spielberg elicits in audiences. He leaves them awestruck; my favorite emotion to have while watching a movie.
And I thank him for giving that to me so many times. Happy Birthday, Sir. We honor you here at TheJay.com. May you continue to create wonder on the silver screen for many more years to come.
For an absolutely fantastic retrospective of Steven Spielberg’s career, CLICK HERE.
Keeping in mind film history and tradition, what was the most important film of the year?
If you say anything other than Rocky Balboa you are lying to yourself.
What else would it be? Pirates 2? In ten years no one will care how many box office records an effete Johnny Depp broke. Casino Royale? We switch Bonds every ten years. No matter how blond, buff, grizzled the new one is or how many kicks to the junk he can absorb (like the coach in Beavis and Butthead), Casino Royale doesn’t warrant that much attention. Borat? The movie itself isn’t nearly as fun as the character, who by the way is starting to wear thinner than my 1987 AYSO windbreaker.
The answer is Rocky Balboa. The final chapter in an illustrious film franchise. The return of a cinema icon. The 30th anniversary of a scrappy boxing movie winning the Oscar for Best Picture (and not to get mushy, but also our hearts). The final shot of glory for one of film history’s most successful screen heroes. Even if the film is terrible, you must admit that Rocky Balboa brings more to the table than any other film released this year.
For this, and for the following reasons, Rocky Balboa should win the Oscar for Best Picture. Now I’ll admit out of the gate, that as of this writing I have not seen the movie. So this is all conjecture. If the film is terrible, this post will look pretty stupid. But I don’t think it will be (and critics seem to agree). I think it’s going to be the perfect final chapter in one of my favorite film franchises of all time. I think it’s going to be a great last shot from one of my favorite actors. And I doubt that I will love any film more this year, than Rocky Balboa.
More reasons why Rocky should win:
- The original Rocky won the Oscar for Best Picture. Many critics are saying that Rocky Balboa is a spiritual brother to that first film. That it’s a personal movie, not merely a ramp up to a big fight. If it’s being considered a partner to the original film, and the original film won the Oscar, shouldn’t this film at least get a NOMINATION?
- Rocky is an enduring cinematic tradition. And why wouldn’t we honor tradition? The series has been beloved for decades, has entertained millions, brought fathers and sons together, united an ever-broken sports city (Philadelphia), practically invented the formula for the modern day sports movie, and introduced the world to the 2nd most important action hero of the last half decade (the first being Arnold).
- We watch the films with friends. We watch them on Independence Day, Thanksgiving and Christmas with our families. We watch the random TNT Sunday marathons from end to end. We listen to the soundtrack to get pumped for the gym, for a meeting, for a big date, or for anything else that requires that extra bit of push only Survivor’s “Eye of the Tiger” can provide – who doesn’t want to shadowbox after seeing a Rocky movie? For all the things the Rocky movies have brought us, doesn’t this new one deserve some awards consideration?
- Rocky Balboa is the best active movie icon in cinema. He’s like the Brett Farve of the movies. Sure, he may throw a lot more interceptions than he used to. Sure, the young players may look at him like a dinosaur. Sure his cameo in There’s Something About Mary was more awkward than my last Chrismukkah party. But on any given Sunday, he can make you believe.
- Rocky, like Brett, can transport you back in time; to 1985 when you watched him defeat Ivan Drago (“You see? You see? He’s not a machine, he’s a man!”) and single-handedly ended the cold war. To 1982, when you first watched him fight Thunderlips (the ultimate male), and you thought for the first time “Hey, wrestling. That’s cool. I’m gonna go body slam my little brother!” To all the other times you watched the movies over and over again, just to cheer yourself up.
- And besides, he’s all we have left of the old movie icons. Arnold has Governatored himself out of the movies, so you can kiss a T4 goodbye. Mel Gibson has sugartitted himself out of any shot at returning to Martin Riggs. Indy 4 is NEVER going to happen. Eddie Murphy hasn’t said “fuck” onscreen in 15 years, so there’s zero interest in seeing him lace up for another Beverly Hills Cop movie. And as for Bruce Willis? Live Free or Die Hard looks like any other mediocre action movie Bruce has put out in the last decade. And any Die Hard where Bruce doesn’t rock the toupee is not a Die Hard I’m interested in. But Rocky is back doing what we love, and he doesn’t look stupid doing it. It actually looks like a movie that respects the traditions of the character we’ve grown to love so much. It actually looks like a movie made for passion, not another paycheck. Hell, it actually looks like a good idea. So why aren’t we celebrating Sylvester for this triumph? He should get the Oscar simply for not screwing it up.
- Rocky is an enduring metaphor of America and its values. Not to be jingoistic or overly patriotic, but don’t we want to honor a movie like that in a time like this? Isn’t it important to remember the old American ways of grit, determination, hard work and triumph of the will that Rocky so clearly demonstrates? Wouldn’t Rocky Balboa be the perfect film to unite our country, if only for two hours? The Best Picture winner is, if nothing else, supposed to be the most important movie of the year. I argue that for this country, Rocky Balboa is our most important movie.
- Sylvester Stallone wrote, starred in and directed the movie. The Academy loves to see actors multi-task. Here’s a partial list of the movies directed by actors that have won Best Picture: Braveheart, A Beautiful Mind, Million Dollar Baby, Dances With Wolves, Unforgiven, Ordinary People. And another list of films that were nominated for Best Picture: Goodnight And Good Luck, Lost in Translation, Mystic River, In The Bedroom, Life Is Beautiful, Apollo 13, Quiz Show, A Few Good Men, Bugsy, Prince of Tides.
- Stallone is an aging star looking for one final send-off. The Academy, like audiences, eats that stuff up. Look at Clint Eastwood. He was a fading star who decided to go behind the camera, made Unforgiven, and the Academy jumped at the chance to honor a man who had entertained them for so long. Why aren’t we looking at Stallone the same way? Sure, Stallone and Eastwood are not the same. Clint has directed many more well-received movies, and appeared in a great many more. But Stallone has entertained us just the same. I can count at least 10 movies of his that are action classics (the first four Rocky’s, the first two Rambo’s, Cliffhanger, Victory, Demolition Man and most important of all, Over the Top). And don’t forget that Stallone wrote all six Rocky’s and directed four of them, and wrote the majority of his action movies. I think we could be seeing the beginning of Stallone’s Eastwood-phase; all the more reason to honor him the same way.
- The Rocky franchise is fun. Watching Rocky Balboa is going to be fun. When was the last time you had any fun watching a Best Picture Winner? Crash made me want to punch a homeless guy on the street. Million Dollar Baby was a like a two hour wrist cutting. Return of the King was an exercise in ass torture (and felt much more like something we needed to watch, as opposed to something we actually wanted to). Chicago was…well, Chicago. And A Beautiful Mind may have been more depressing than Schindler’s List, but I wouldn’t know because I hanged myself from the balcony of the Cinerama Dome just to avoid watching the third act. The last time the Academy gave its prize to a movie that was actually “fun to watch” was Gladiator in 2000. And before that, was Braveheart in 1996. That’s two out of the last eleven! We’re due for a crowd pleaser. The last thing the Academy wants is to send the message that only dour films have a shot on the grand prize. The winner this year needs to be an uplifting film. And the Rocky movies are, if nothing else, uplifting.
- You can’t watch this trailer, with the incomparable Bill Conti score, the hint of the training montage, Rocky punching the meat, running up the steps and stepping into the ring, and not be excited. To not feel pumped up and ready to go? It’s just not possible.
Seriously, what else is out there that is really worth getting behind? Best Picture winners have a passionate support group behind them. I’m not sure there’s a single movie in contention that everyone uniformly loves, or has any real, undying passion towards. Let’s go through the list:
Babel: Too muddled, too international, too much of a love/hate movie.
Bobby: Directed by Emilio Estevez? Please…
The Departed: Too violent and not nearly as good as Scorsese’s past work (which it is unfortunately being compared to). Marty will finally get his Best Director Oscar, and that will be the film’s prize.
Dreamgirls: Does anyone really want this film to win? If it does, in five years, won’t we all look at the film the way we do Chicago and not remember a single standout thing about it? And there’s also way too much in-fighting going on between the cast. The Academy does not see kindly to that.
Letters From Iwo Jima: Suffers from the baggage of Eastwood’s failed Flags of Our Fathers.
Little Miss Sunshine: The reviews and the box office are the prize for this indie darling.
Pursuit of Happyness: Not even the absurdly likeable Will Smith can drag this schmaltzfest to Oscar glory.
The Queen: A remarkable film, but when was the last time a “British” movie won the Oscar? I’ll save you the time. It was Chariots of Fire in 1981 (which is considered one of the lowest-quality winners of all time).
United 93: Impersonal, not spectacular enough, and trades too much on the inherent emotions of the material.
World Trade Center: We’re all glad Oliver Stone calmed down, but there isn’t a chance in hell the Academy gives the Oscar to a member of the 1st bunch of 9/11 flicks, especially one directed by Stone. A 9/11 film will win the award one day, but not for another ten or fifteen years.
So really, how inconceivable is it that Rocky deserves to AT LEAST stand alongside four of these movies? If the film is good, which a lot of critics are starting to say it is, and audiences fall in love they way they have with the character before, then the film should absolutely be considered for the Oscar. Secretly, if you were watching the Oscars, and saw Rocky Balboa up there with four other movies, wouldn’t you be secretly rooting for it to win? Wouldn’t that be kind of cool? Wouldn’t you rather see a crowd-pleasing movie like Rocky Balboa win, than a Babel? Or a Dreamgirls. I know I would.
Think about how great it would be to see Stallone up there accepting the Oscar for Best Picture. To see his determination to make this movie rewarded. To hear him say stuff like: “This is the greatest moment in my entire career. I’ll cherish this honor. Thank you for supporting me and supporting Rocky for all these years. It means the world to me.” While he tries not to cry? You’re telling me you wouldn’t want to see that? I don’t know about you, but I watch the Oscars for the moments. And the chance to see a moment like that is too great to pass up.
But in reality, the film doesn’t stand a chance. I know that. Academy voters would never seriously consider nominating a sequel to a franchise that has degraded in quality to such a degree (i.e. Rocky V), let alone a fifth sequel.
But they’re kidding themselves.
Imagine you’re an Academy voter. You come home from a long day at the office, and a pile of Academy screeners are waiting for you. You decide to watch one, so you start skimming through them. Here’s what I’m guessing you’d be thinking: “Ok, let’s see, gotta a multi-story drama about isolation, disappointment and Cate Blanchett dying on the floor of an Indian village. Pass. Got a musical starring Jamie Foxx and Beyonce. What else? A two-hour tour inside the minds of the British royal family. No thank you. Whoa, wait, Rocky Balboa? Really? Sweet!! I am SO watching that!”
And you know that’s exactly what would happen. You’d put it in and two hours later you’d be smiling ear to ear and rooting for Rocky to pull it out one last time. And then you’d take out your ballot and vote for Babel, because you suck, and you don’t want to be the guy who voted for Rocky 6.
And that’s just not fair.
If people like the movie, if critics like the movie, if it does well at the box office, why wouldn’t it be thought of as one of the best films of the year? It’s ROCKY for god sakes! Show some respect. I am going to be there on opening day. I’m gonna cheer on Stallone and his last shot at glory. I’m gonna be proud to like the movie. And I will defend its merits till my they pry the bandwith from my cold, dead hands.
Rocky Balboa should win the Oscar for Best Picture. And I defy you to prove me wrong.
Alright, so here’s the deal… a day after the Oscars I got bad dash of stomach flu. Up until this afternoon, I hadn’t been out of bed since Monday night. And it sucked. If you think for a second it may be fun to hang out in bed for two days, I welcome you to try it, but you’re gonna hate it, because it sucks. First off, there’s absolutely nothing on TV during the days. Aside from the always reliable PTI on ESPN there might be an above average SNL on E!, but mostly there’s a big ball of nothing (Man, there were a lot of abbreviations in that sentence. LOL!).
Also, lying down for an extended period of time is not fun; your legs lock up and get sore, you get nasty full body cramps and you get a raging cotton sheets-induced headache. So now I’m a couple pounds lighter, a couple Netflix mailed back and two days behind on my final Oscar recap. Unfortunately, I’m apparently the only one on the net that hasn’t done one yet. Seriously, who knew that Oscar coverage would be so widespread on the net? Since when was it about anything else but porn?
So you’re not getting a big slam bang Oscar recap filled with best and worst lists and cheap shots at the expense of Reese Witherspoon (well maybe you’ll still get one or two). I’m done with the Oscars, done with my mammothly over thought-out Oscar coverage and done with my blinding anger over the Crash win. And I would bet most of you would like to see me writing about something else. But before I do, I will give you one last Oscar treat.
Every year I like to write what I think some celebrities were thinking as they walked down the Oscar red carpet. A-Train personally requested I do this, and since he’s throwing what will be an awesome St. Patrick’s Day party down at his Manhattan Beach pad next week (Irish Car Bombs here I come…), I am inclined to acquiesce to his request… means “yes”.
So…
Things Overheard… On The Oscar Red Carpet
Paul Giamatti – I would have shaved for this thing, but I know they’re giving it to Clooney. Why even make me come down? You screwed me last year and now you’re giving me a pity nod? Screw it, I’m gonna go find Russell Crowe, get drunk and throw stuff.
George Clooney – I wonder… if I win, could I get as many chicks as Jack? Probably not, but damn if I’m not gonna give it my best shot.
Keira Knightley – I left Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom on a beautiful Caribbean island to fly halfway around the world, and get all crazy hotted up just so I can lose graciously to that squirrel chin, Reese Witherspoon? The things I gotta do to make up for Domino!
Heath Ledger – And to think, I was this close to signing up for A Knight’s Tale 2: Revenge of the Joust.
Scarlet Johansson – You mean I suffered through three months of Woody Allen ogling my ass and Isaac Mizrahi grabbing my tits and I didn’t even get nominated? Damn! Well, at least I look like a pornstar. That should get me some respect.
Hillary Swank – Remember everybody, I’m still a girl. That fact has not changed. And now I’m single. Line it up, boys!
Charlize Theron – Man, what is that thing on my shoulder? Was I high when I picked this dress, or am I just high now? Eh, probably both.
Martin Scorsese – Hey, what do you guys have going on here? Oh, the Oscars? That’s cool. Yeah, I stopped going ten years ago when I realized I’d never win. You reap what you sow. I probably should never of whacked Gil Cates’s wife after I lost out on Goodfellas to Kevin freakin’ Costner! Eh, what can you do?
Lindsay Lohan – It’s five o’clock, did I miss the free coke giveaway?
Harrison Ford – What? They don’t serve alcohol at this thing? Fuck it, I’m going back to my ranch.
Tom Hanks – My hair looks fantastic. So much good product in it. Look at that wave. Two-time Oscar winner, box office champion, and now, hair model. And I don’t at all look like an idiot.
Jake Gyllenhaal – I gotta go kiss some more girls to prove I’m not gay. Where did Hilary Swank go?
Reese Witherspoon – It’s too bad that famous online humorist The Jay doesn’t like me. Maybe If I win the Oscar he’ll finally forgive me for that face I made in Cruel Intentions, and for generally acting snotty and above it all.
Renee Zellweger – I wouldn’t count on it. Trust me, I know.
The Jay – Bitchface is right, sorry. The hate-on continues!
Nicole Kidman – Can someone blink my eyeballs for me? Seriously, I can’t move them. It’s possible I may have botoxed my eyes permanently open. This can’t be good. Well, on the bright side, at least I’m not still married to Tom.
Steven Spielberg – Stop asking me about Indy 4. We’ll make it as soon as Harrison dries out.
Samuel L. Jackson – Next year it’s all me. Best Actor for Snakes on a Muthafuckin’ Plane! Yes I deserve the Oscar and I hope they burn in hell!
Jennifer Garner – That’s Mrs. Affleck if you’re nasty!
Jack Nicholson – You know what? Whatever it says on that envelope, I’m saying something else. Just for funsies. I mean, what are they gonna do? I’m Jack.
Michelle Williams – Let’s see, Pacey fell off the face of the earth, Dawson is stuck doing failed sitcom pilots, Katie got sold into slavery, and I’m here, nominated for an Oscar and married to Heath Ledger. Yeah, we’re gonna call that a win for me. Michelle’s Creek in the house!
Peter Jackson – Walloping wallabies and crickey, you mean you buggers didn’t love me Kong movie? I don’t blimey get it. Should I not have made it three hours? Was that dreadful first hour where you don’t even see Kong too much? Should I have put in some gay hobbit sex just to make it topical? Cause I have me some of that. I got Elijah drunk one night on the set of The Two Towers.
Jennifer Aniston – What? Did you say Brad’s here? Cause I coulda sworn you said Brad’s here. No? Oh, ok. Breath, Jen, just breathe. It’s gonna be ok. He’ll come back. He’ll forget all about that skank Angelina and come back to me, Leathersk-er, I mean, Jennifer.
William H. Macy – Did you see the dick on my wife in her movie? Yeah, that’s right people! I take her home EVERY NIGHT.
Matthew McConaughey – You what I say about the Oscars? I keep getting older, they never nominate me.
Katie Holmes – Please god, somebody just kill him. I had no idea it would be like this. He’s so creepy. If I don’t smile and call him amazing every five minutes he’ll force me spend the night in the Scientology Center. I’m so scared.
Tom Cruise – Woo hoo! Yeah! I’m so in love. She is not at all a beard! Did you see how pregnant I have made her! Woo! Katie, it’s been five minutes. Smile and call me amazing, it’s time for a sound bite and a way heterosexual photo-op kiss. Bend down. Lower…. lower… c’mon, you afraid to ruin your dress? I’m like, 3’4, get on your knees and open wide. I am so not nuts!
Mel Gibson – That ok, cause I am! Go see my psychotic new Mayan adventure movie“Apocalypto”, coming this summer to a theatre near you. Best Picture 2006, here I come! Praise Jesus!
As my impeachable moral code dictates, I am the first to admit when I’m wrong. So… I was wrong. Despite overwhelming evidence that Brokeback Mountain was the best picture of the year (Golden Globe, DGA, PGA, WGA, dozens of critics prizes, plus, you know, popular freakin’ opinion!), the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts & Sciences, in their infinite wisdom, decided to forgo this groundbreaking, progressive and socially relevant film in order to bestow the highest prize in all of cinema to a hackneyed, cluttered ensemble piece whose central message was that, surprise, people still don’t like other people. Like, whoa, you’re telling me there are still bigots, racists, narrow-minded fools and rampant global-ignorance? I am stunned that it took Matt Dillon to teach me about the evils of isolationism.
Wow…
The biggest upset in Oscar history. Bigger than John Wayne robbing Dustin Hoffman back in 1968. Bigger that Shakespeare in Love buying a Best Picture win over Saving Private Ryan. Bigger than Marisa Tomei and all the conspiracy theories surrounding the way she won. It’s not often you get to watch history literally unfold, but boy, we got that chance last night. What was up until that point a relatively predictable Oscar telecast (I was right about the Clooney win), became the most exciting Oscar ceremony in nearly a decade. It reminded me of the Rams/Titans Super Bowl back in 2000. That last play was so amazing that the entire attitude toward that game was changed. I remember a boring Super Bowl with an exciting final few minutes, everyone else remembers the greatest Super Bowl in the history of the NFL. In ten years people will remember this Oscar show as tense, surprising and exciting. They will say it was the funniest Oscar show they have ever seen. I’m telling you, don’t believe them. This was a boring, tepid Oscars, overrun with silly clip montages, poorly choreographed Best Song numbers and unfunny, dull acceptance speeches. This was a mild show with an unbelievable climax. Memorable television, that does not make.
So here I am, recapping the second Oscars in a row where Paul Haggis fooled us all. I hated his Million Dollar Baby, calling it unsubtle, manipulative and pretentious. I couldn’t have dreamed that he could write a more on the nose film. Again, I was wrong.
You know, it’s not so much that I was so in love with Brokeback Mountain and desperately wanted it to win, as it is that I so vehemently disliked Crash. I am befuddled by the critics that lavished praise on Crash, calling in a searing examination of modern day racism. I don’t understand the people who were touched by the “redemption” of the Matt Dillon character, and who were moved by the scene where the little girl is “shot”. What I saw was a bunch of well-known actors saying words that were designed to manipulate and provoke preset emotions and not intended to decipher the problem and attempt a resolution. Where some saw subtlety, I saw a weak, unconfident narrative. You know what you do when you want to write about racism but don’t have any answers to the problem? You have people talk openly about racism, then show them being racist, albeit with moral consequences.
I don’t need to be told there are racists still alive today. I don’t need to see obvious racism in action. And I especially don’t need to be told that I should feel bad that there is racism. Of course I feel bad. It’s but one of many things about life that I feel bad about. Racism, poverty, anti-Semitism, homophobia, genocide, ignorance, bad education, drugs, sexual and physical assault, abuse in any form, child molestation, violence in schools, gangs… and so on; there are bad things happening in this world, and having Thandie Newton and Terrence Howard complain about it is not the way to make me reach into my heart and open the floodgates.
And furthermore, what side was that movie on, anyway? Did it even take a side? Sure, they fell on the “racism is bad” side, but you know, of course they did. What I’m saying is, I know everything they showed me, and I wanted to see something more. I wanted to walk out of that movie thinking that the film tried to do something about the effects of racism, that the filmmakers took some time to examine the problem and attempt to visualize a solution. I wanted to see that they had more on their mind than giving Sandra Bullock a chance to gain some indie cred.
Crash was a bad social studies lesson with no central plot. What was the movie about? Don’t tell me that all there was was a group of characters that coincidentally crossed each other’s paths. Don’t tell me that the writers of the movie had no roadmap to the end credits, that they didn’t create a traditional (and necessary) three-act story structure, or that I am expected to marvel at a screenplay about ten little stories woven together with character bumpers. Because if I’m being told these things it is because Crash was weak, that it had no spine. You know what you do when you don’t have the talent to write a single story so powerful that it deserves its two-hour length? You write several moderately powerful stories and modulate the major emotional scenes so that you have one slam dunk after another. Sure, it’s seems powerful and heart-rending, but in reality it’s just manipulative, small filmmaking. I didn’t need to see ten different B-plots about gay men in society because Brokeback Mountain had a central story strong enough to propel in an entire film.
And let me change gears a bit and talk about the Academy, a group of people so blind to the world that they couldn’t recognize social change if Paul Haggis wrote a three-part epic about it. I think they were afraid of the mid-west. I think they were afraid of what it may look like to conservative Americans if they gave their highest honor to a “gay cowboy” movie. That if someone in the Heartland was watching the Oscars and complaining about how “nebbishy” Jon Stewart is (Like, way to bring the Yiddish, Heartland), and when Jack opened the envelope and said Brokeback Mountain they would have swelled with homophobia and at that moment absolutely refuse ever to go to the movies again. How bad would it really have been to name Brokeback Mountain our Best Picture of the year? What was so wrong and scary about saying that the film that touched hearts, opened lines of dialogue and that informed people about a subject that had previously been ignored, that it is the best representation of what cinema offered in the year 2005?
The Academy has always like being a proponent of social change. They awarded Driving Miss Daisy, an intimate look on race relations in the south. They awarded Rain Man, a optimistic look about overcoming mental retardation. They awarded Kramer vs. Kramer when divorce was beginning to become a real problem in society. They awarded Gandhi, Schindler’s List, Midnight Cowboy and The Bridge Over the River Kwai. So am I to understand that the Academy is more than willing to award film that explore social change, as long as it isn’t homosexuality? In fifty years Brokeback Mountain will still be an important film. It will still be a glowing example of how film can change society’s way of thinking. Crash will just be another ensemble movie, a footnote in Oscar history. The way we will forget Chicago, Out of Africa and Around the World in 80 Days. I want my Academy to be a place where they value daring cinema, and who cares if certain people don’t like it.
Coke, GM and whoever else bought airtime would not have refused to sponsor the Oscars if Brokeback had won. It’s the Oscars; nothing will stop people from watching. They could have set a strong message. They could have set a daring precedent. They could have done some good. I need the Best Picture of the year to blow my socks off. I need to feel like when my son goes to film school that he’ll come home from class one day, call me up and go “Dad, they showed me Braveheart today. Man alive, that was a great film.‿ I want the Best Picture to inspire kids to want to be filmmakers. I don’t need the Best Picture to be a bargain-rate social studies class. That’s what we have high school for. The Oscars are supposed to be about something more. And last night they let me down.
In time I will get over this. I will grudgingly accept that the last two Best Pictures have been films that I loathed. I will hope against hope that I fall head over heels in love with the next five Best Pictures. That maybe the Academy will climb a ladder, get over their selves and give Martin Scorsese a freaking Oscar already. That maybe Paul Giamatti will eventually get this Oscar (As will Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone, Ed Norton and Tom Cruise). In time I hope that my Oscar parties only get better and better (Though last night was a ton of fun. Thank you to everyone that came.). I hope that they bring back Jon Stewart and let him grow into the national stage; he was not bad, but not great (Though I did love the Keira Knightley crazy-hotness commercial).
I hope… I hope that one day I will catch Crash on TNT and be surprised to find that I was wrong. That I just missed it the first time around. That I fall in love with the film and regret all the things I just wrote about the film. I hope all these things happen, but do I think they will? No… probably not.
Congratulations to all the winners; congratulations to Paul Haggis, may he strive to do better work so that I may start respecting him and respecting his films, his Best Pictures.
Will Win: Forest Whitaker - The Academy tends to toe the line for the Best Actor race, and Forest has the most amount of shiny plaques. Though don’t be surprised if the Academy decides to follow the Be Old rule and give a goodbye award to Peter O’Toole. He was nominated on name recognition, so who’s to say what people actually seeing the movie could do for his chances.
(NOTE: This is an updated version of a column I ran last year before the Oscars. 
Some think that the acting categories are merely a popularity contest, the High School student-body president race of the Oscars. Those people are wrong. I know this, the Academy knows this, and most importantly, actors know this. Actors are well aware that there are ways of manipulating the Academy into giving you an Oscar. Ever heard the phrase “Oscar bait” when someone is talking about one of those pretentious December movies that Miramax used to put out? Career decisions are often made not by money, but by how it will affect their relationship with the Academy. It’s a dance, you see. Some are good at it, and dip their way into Oscar gold before their feet even hurt. Others take so long to learn the steps that when they finally figure it out, they can barely do a box-step waltz. But make no mistake, every actor knows the way, and now you will to. 
Birthday wishes go out to Steven Spielberg, my all-time favorite director, who celebrated his 60th birthday on Monday. He may not always make the coolest movies, or even the smartest movies, but his movies are always exceedingly watchable, expertly made and laced with the type of magic seldom seen on-screen. In other words, he makes the best movies.
Consider this…
Things Overheard… On The Oscar Red Carpet
Jake Gyllenhaal – I gotta go kiss some more girls to prove I’m not gay. Where did Hilary Swank go?
William H. Macy – Did you see the dick on my wife in her movie? Yeah, that’s right people! I take her home EVERY NIGHT. 
