My official sleeper hit of the summer!

Bangarang!

As a entertainment blogger it’s important that I’m able to find just the right picture to go with a particular story. If I’m writing about, say, Tara Reid being a model citizen, as I do, and I type “Tara Reid Model Citizen” into the Google Image search, it’s imperative I find just the right picture of her drunkenly passed out on the streets of Ibiza (the joke comes from the irony!). My blogger brethren and I depend on image searches to add visual stimulation to our pieces, punctuate jokes, and sometimes, to create whole posts.

I’m continually amazed by the accuracy of Google’s image search engine. No matter how disparate my search terms, I can always seem to find what I’m looking for. It gets me to wondering just how far I can test Google’s accuracy. If I type in a celebrity and then add a random word onto the search, what would I find? Would “Jodie Foster + tuna” get me a shot of The Jodes from Freaky Friday, enjoying being in her Mom’s body just a bit too much, or just another boring publicity still from Flightplan? I had to know…

So here is a little experiment I ran to see just how accurate a Google Celebrity Image Search can be (all results found on page 1 of the search results):

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Search Terms: Katherine Heigl + douchebag

Result: Yep, that’s her looking pretty douche-y all right. Like she sails! Or wears white pants after Labor Day! Or isn’t a douche!

Accuracy Grade: A

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Search Terms: Katie Holmes + outer space

Result: I don’t know about you, but that’s the look I had on my face the first time I saw an alien living amongst us and realized it was actually my husband who had signed me to a five-year wedding contract stating I would bear him a genetically created pod baby that looks asian and kinda Chris Klein-y and not wear a bra when I run the NYC Marathon.

Accuracy Grade: A-

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Search Terms: Christian Slater + suicide

Result: Not sure what exactly I expected to find here, but I’m fairly amused that MC Hammer is exploiting the hypothetical death of the star of Kuffs. Greetings and salutations, Slater is NOT too legit to quit.

Accuracy Grade: C (but a “B+” for pure morbidity)

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Search Terms: Keanu Reeves + genius

Result: I don’t understand how anyone could find Keanu stupid. See him walking away from a horny, near-naked Lauren Graham? That’s the wisest decision a man can make in his life! He just chose the grail cup!

Accuracy Grade: A

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Search Terms: Dakota Fanning + assassin

Result: Get on her bad side and the last thing you see in this world is her tiny little boot coming down on your face, as you lay limp on the ground of a dirty street in Mexico.

Accuracy Grade: A

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Search Terms: Val Kilmer + polite

Result: Funny, I don’t remember typing in “Val Kilmer + beached whale”, but hey, at least he’s covered up. That’s a splash of beach etiquette.

Accuracy Grade: B-

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Search Terms: Halle Berry + dentist

Result: I know that when I think of Halle Berry getting her teeth worked on, the first image that comes to my mind is of the former Bond girl half-nakedly fondling Sarah Jessica Parker. Isn’t it the same for you?

Accuracy Grade: B

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Search Terms: Paris Hilton + relevant

Result: Think long and hard about this (that’s what she said!): of all the contributions to society given by Paris Hilton, from the unpublicized humanitarian work in third world countries to her charitable donations for Cancer research, and tireless work to improve the lives of the US homeless population, when you think of Paris Hilton, don’t you really just think about her sucking on something?

Accuracy Grade: A

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Search Terms: Tom Cruise + smart

Result: Well… this one is dead on!

Accuracy Grade: A+

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Search Terms: Renee Zellweger + bitchface

Result: I swear to you I didn’t rig this. It just so happens that when you search for a picture of Renee Zellweger making a bitchface, my award badge for being one of the Best Culture Blogs on the net shows up in the results (as the third image!). What can I say, Google knows where’s it at.

Accuracy Grade: A++++++

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Final Conclusion: No matter what you’re looking for on the net, be it a shot of Val Kilmer coming ashore to rest his blowhole and lay eggs or Halle Berry molesting the star of Sex and the City, Google Image Search has got your back. I deem their celebrity image search dead-on balls accurate!

Bangarang!

In honor of Hayden Christensen’s latest attempt to convince us he’s actually a really really good actor (SPOILER ALERT: He fails.), and Rachel Bilson’s triumphant big screen debut (SPOILER ALERT: She’s hot.), here are some pics from their new movie Jumper, with a little TheJay.com love added to them. Enjoy!

Bangarang!

TAI: Cher, do you think I’m still as pretty as we were in high school?

CHER: No, you’re a full-on Blu-Ray Monet.

TAI: What’s a Blu-Ray Monet?

CHER: It’s like a really great 1080i digital picture, see? From far away, or on a small YouTube window it’s OK, but up close, on Hi-Def, it’s a big old mess. Let’s ask a guy. Ashton, what do you think of Tai’s newly worked-on face?

ASHTON KUTCHER: Hagsville. And I would know.

CHER: See?

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CHER: But Tai, do you really think anyone wants to see you in movies, anymore?

TAI: What am I some sort of facially disfigured celebritard? Like Tara Reid?

CHER: No, not even. I didn’t say that. You were great on King of the Hill!

TAI: Oh, animation voice work, sure. But I’m not good enough for big budget movies, or something?

CHER: I just don’t think that you mesh well together.

TAI: You don’t think we mesh well? Did you even see Little Black Book! It’s like, why am I even listening to you to begin with? You’re just a failed teen movie star who can’t carry a TV show.

CHER: That was way harsh, Tai. I totally did a pilot last season.

TAI: Look, I’m really sorry. Let’s just talk when my collagen has mellowed and I can blink again, alright? I gotta go blow my agent now. I’m outie!

Bangarang!

(Miss Match was kinda charming, no?)

One of the most distinct and profound moments of my adolescence was the week or so in late April of 1992 when the billboard above the 7/11 on Reseda and Devonshire had the poster of Far and Away emblazoned on it. My eleven year old mind couldn’t seem to process how ridiculously gorgeous Nicole Kidman was. Remember, this was before the Internet, before TV started hiring hot girls to play leads, before teen movie hotties resurfaced in the late 90’s, before Maxim and FHM and everything else we have today that allows us to check out hot chicks. Movie star actresses were all we had.

And for me, Nicole Kidman was the business.

The wall of crazy curly hair. The perfect alabaster skin. The pursed lips and great mouth. The Aussie sauciness. The fact that she went full frontal in Billy Bathgate the year before. And was also naked in a Billy Zane thriller back in the late 80’s. Everything about her was great. And in the picture of her on the poster, she was perfection. I couldn’t look away. And didn’t want to, anyway.

The movie ended up sucking huge balls - ’bout the only good thing in the flick were the bare knuckle fight scenes and the line where The Cruiser begs Kidman to say she likes his hat and her response is “but you’re not wearing a hat” - but it didn’t matter. I was happy enough with the poster image, and the knowledge that I’d be seeing her looking fly on billboards above convenience stores for the foreseeable future. All was right in my Valley world.

And for a time, it was. She was hot in Days of Thunder (”Let me out of the car, Cole!”), and Malice (”You ask me if I have a God complex? I AM GOD!”), smokin’ bangin’ in To Die For, and even brought some of the saucyback in Batman Forever (with a Top Ten moronic character name of all-time, to boot: Dr. Chase Meridian). She continued to be somewhat babelicious through Eyes Wide Shut (hello again, boobs), Moulin Rouge, and definitely in that spooky hallway shot in the first act of Practical Magic where the light is just bouncing off of her like she’s rubber and it’s glue. But somewhere around The Others, and maybe it’s attributed to the divorce with Tom, she started looking… well, different. More plastic-y. Harder. Icy, if you will. And it only got worse.

I look at Nicole Kidman now and all I see is a botoxed ice queen. Harsh, stiff face with no emotion, hollow eyes, Helen Hunt-y sixhead (just a touch bigger than a fore), and anorexia that would make 2006 Lohan jealous. She turned from one of the hottest screen actresses I have ever seen, into this:

I almost don’t even recognize her anymore. Age is a cruel bitch, and apparently Nicole slept with Age’s boyfriend. I’m not sure her intention was to actually become an ice queen witch hag, but she’s definitely on her way.

I had given out all hope that I would ever find her hot again. I feared my memories of the Far and Away poster would be overtaken by the onslaught of images I see of her now that make my wang point into the negative degrees.

But then today I saw this picture on Comingsoon.net:

At first I just glanced over it and moved on to the next news item. But something from the image stuck with me. A few minutes later I looked at it again and I swear, for just a moment, I think it moved. Sparks were definitely flying, crotch-wise.

Could it be? Could Nicole Kidman actually look legitimately hot again? I wasn’t sure. So I decided to break the image down piece by piece and see what the numbers really tell me. This will either be the first time math has ever given me an erection, or another in a long series of instances where Arithmetic makes me its bitch.

The Face: I love her expression. Inquisitive, slightly tender, hints of wanting. Ages of history there. Her skin is a touch red, like she’s seen some hard times and came through OK. It’s like a Diane Lane face, right there. And the forehead problems are abated by the smooth hand of the Jackman. Her jaw line is still as razorsharp as ever, but the whole of the parts doesn’t equal ice queen, but an honestly beautiful, natural woman, for maybe the first time this millennium.

The Neck: Elongated and kind of awesome. I never realized she had such an Audrey Hepburn neck. It’s almost regal.

The Bust: Nicole has never had a giant rack, but it was always a solid one. Kind of like Julia or Sandra. It’s good and you don’t really take it for granted, but you’re never focused on it like you would be for Angie Jolie or Halle Berry. I’m not sure if she got a boob job or the shirt she’s wearing is just supes tight, but man alive, thems yaboos be looking tasty. I wonder if they’re built for speed or comfort. Might be time to pull the motorboat out of the docks.

The Bottom Half: Legs are lookin’ good and I believe I even see a hint of a spicy Aussie backside. I still get that she’s too thin, but the clothes are doing a good job of making it all look palatable.

The Outfit: The shirt is all sorts of thumbs up and delicious. Opened to crazy depths, hinting at what’s beneath it? Nice. Love the color of it, too. It’s not ostentatious or overly rich and designer-y. She looks like a normal person, and that transformation is doing her favors. High waisted pants always look good on tall, skinny girls, and Nicole is no exception. It’s making her stomach look taut and touchable, and perfectly assists in the correct boob placement.

The pose: Ass out, stomach in, chest high… always a great combo. Straight body lines and a little leg kick thrown in? I think better, ahem, lock the door.

The Rest: I dig how daintily she’s holding her hat, how she’s casually rubbing Jackman’s leg, and how she generally just looks pleasant in the moment. The light behind her really compliments the dusted color of her shirt, and doesn’t wash out her light skin. Everything is just put together really well. Like the most epic, expensive Stetson ad, ever.

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Add it all up and I get this equation: Pretty face + elegant neck + good hair + hot sugar chesticles + sweet ass + long luscious legs + great pose =

If she turns out to look horrid in the movie, and this was merely a perfect storm of hotness captured by a lucky set photographer, that’ll be OK. If she never looks better than an LA 7 ever again, that’ll be OK too. If she continues to botox hardcore for the next two decades and winds up looking like Joan Rivers’ less annoying niece, that’ll also be OK, because I’ll finally have a bookend to my magnificent Nicole Kidman movie images memory. I can put the two images together and nod my head appreciatively at the body of work she’s put together.

And by “body of work”, I mean the times when she starred in a tentpole event.

And by “tentpole”, I mean in my pants.

And by “in my pants”, I mean…

Bangarang!