TheJay.com - Fresh and Funny Pop Culture Commentary » Bad Celebrity Pictures

And Now For A Completely Uninteresting Picture of Ben Affleck

Jason Matthews — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 08:14:01 +0000

That is all.

*H/T to the EVER vital US Weekly Hot Pics

Bangarang!

Ten Things Wider Than Teri Hatcher’s Spindly Grandma Gams

Jason Matthews — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 01:02:16 +0000

It’s a problem when the widest point of your entire leg is your knee. I’m not entirely sure how she uses those things as actual support devices. Can you get anorexia of the calf? Did her legs get infected with Benjamin Button syndrome? Cause they are EASILY 42 years older than the rest of her body. How is it that these ten things are wider than the widest part of her legs?

1- Match Sticks

2- Verne Troyer’s Tiny Man Junk

3- Eight #2 pencils

4- A travel pack of Kleenex

5- The iPod Nano

6- Her own mouth

7- The spine of CD case

8- A normal person’s ankles

9- Tube of Toothpaste (Crest, not Colgate)

10- A proton

Answers? Anyone?

Bangarang!

Subtle Plastic Surgery? FAIL.

Jason Matthews — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 00:05:21 +0000

Audiebird: Are you sitting down?

The Jay: Yes.

Audiebird: http://www.dlisted.com/node/30086/images/90107A1_COX_N_B-GR_04.jpg

The Jay: I just threw up.

Audiebird: And since you’re sitting down, it probably went all over your lap. Unfortunate.

The Jay: All over my suit pants. Gonna have to LAUNDER that shit.

Bangarang!

Reese Witherspoon Has Some Competition For Her Man

Jason Matthews — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 07:13:12 +0000

WOOOHOOOO!!!

FUCKIN WOOOOOO, BAAAAAYBEEEEE!

I feel like such a MAN right now! Like I could wear socks with my sandals and nobody would give me shit. Cause if they did, I’d cut them with my man-sword. And I don’t even mean my penis this time!

I wonder if I can get this hat in beige?

Riding this hard, tough, hot stallion is the best! It’s a good thing Reese is tighter than a five pound kettle drum, or I’d be having second, third and foursies thoughts about Zoo-ing up this bitch!

My crotch feels electric pinned against this leather saddle. Like climbing the rope in gym class, but multipled by a factor of rainbows. Oh boy, this must be what being a Power Top feels like! If only that was in my character. Le sigh…

I love running my hands through mah steed’s lush mane. It reminds me of that one night Matty McCons was on the right side of the bi-line and I bongoed my own little Brokeback sequel… nah what I mean, brah? Hand spit, like a mofo! (R.I.P. Heath!)

That reminds me… I should have my agent set up lunch with Owen Wilson. I would definitely be WOOOING if I got to ride The Butterscotch Stallion. That Butterscotch Stallion is so hot right now. Butterscotch Stallion.

Neeeeigh!

This must be what Matthew Broderick feels like every night!

Bangarang!

Cage and Travolta Team Up For Really Ugly Face/Off Sequel

Jason Matthews — Fri, 02 May 2008 23:55:01 +0000

My official sleeper hit of the summer!

Bangarang!

Testing the Accuracy of a Google Celebrity Image Search

Jason Matthews — Sat, 01 Mar 2008 01:36:57 +0000

As a entertainment blogger it’s important that I’m able to find just the right picture to go with a particular story. If I’m writing about, say, Tara Reid being a model citizen, as I do, and I type “Tara Reid Model Citizen” into the Google Image search, it’s imperative I find just the right picture of her drunkenly passed out on the streets of Ibiza (the joke comes from the irony!). My blogger brethren and I depend on image searches to add visual stimulation to our pieces, punctuate jokes, and sometimes, to create whole posts.

I’m continually amazed by the accuracy of Google’s image search engine. No matter how disparate my search terms, I can always seem to find what I’m looking for. It gets me to wondering just how far I can test Google’s accuracy. If I type in a celebrity and then add a random word onto the search, what would I find? Would “Jodie Foster + tuna” get me a shot of The Jodes from Freaky Friday, enjoying being in her Mom’s body just a bit too much, or just another boring publicity still from Flightplan? I had to know…

So here is a little experiment I ran to see just how accurate a Google Celebrity Image Search can be (all results found on page 1 of the search results):

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Search Terms: Katherine Heigl + douchebag

Result: Yep, that’s her looking pretty douche-y all right. Like she sails! Or wears white pants after Labor Day! Or isn’t a douche!

Accuracy Grade: A

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Search Terms: Katie Holmes + outer space

Result: I don’t know about you, but that’s the look I had on my face the first time I saw an alien living amongst us and realized it was actually my husband who had signed me to a five-year wedding contract stating I would bear him a genetically created pod baby that looks asian and kinda Chris Klein-y and not wear a bra when I run the NYC Marathon.

Accuracy Grade: A-

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Search Terms: Christian Slater + suicide

Result: Not sure what exactly I expected to find here, but I’m fairly amused that MC Hammer is exploiting the hypothetical death of the star of Kuffs. Greetings and salutations, Slater is NOT too legit to quit.

Accuracy Grade: C (but a “B+” for pure morbidity)

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Search Terms: Keanu Reeves + genius

Result: I don’t understand how anyone could find Keanu stupid. See him walking away from a horny, near-naked Lauren Graham? That’s the wisest decision a man can make in his life! He just chose the grail cup!

Accuracy Grade: A

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Search Terms: Dakota Fanning + assassin

Result: Get on her bad side and the last thing you see in this world is her tiny little boot coming down on your face, as you lay limp on the ground of a dirty street in Mexico.

Accuracy Grade: A

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Search Terms: Val Kilmer + polite

Result: Funny, I don’t remember typing in “Val Kilmer + beached whale”, but hey, at least he’s covered up. That’s a splash of beach etiquette.

Accuracy Grade: B-

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Search Terms: Halle Berry + dentist

Result: I know that when I think of Halle Berry getting her teeth worked on, the first image that comes to my mind is of the former Bond girl half-nakedly fondling Sarah Jessica Parker. Isn’t it the same for you?

Accuracy Grade: B

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Search Terms: Paris Hilton + relevant

Result: Think long and hard about this (that’s what she said!): of all the contributions to society given by Paris Hilton, from the unpublicized humanitarian work in third world countries to her charitable donations for Cancer research, and tireless work to improve the lives of the US homeless population, when you think of Paris Hilton, don’t you really just think about her sucking on something?

Accuracy Grade: A

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Search Terms: Tom Cruise + smart

Result: Well… this one is dead on!

Accuracy Grade: A+

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Search Terms: Renee Zellweger + bitchface

Result: I swear to you I didn’t rig this. It just so happens that when you search for a picture of Renee Zellweger making a bitchface, my award badge for being one of the Best Culture Blogs on the net shows up in the results (as the third image!). What can I say, Google knows where’s it at.

Accuracy Grade: A++++++

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Final Conclusion: No matter what you’re looking for on the net, be it a shot of Val Kilmer coming ashore to rest his blowhole and lay eggs or Halle Berry molesting the star of Sex and the City, Google Image Search has got your back. I deem their celebrity image search dead-on balls accurate!

Bangarang!

Clueless 2: The Blu-Ray Monet

Jason Matthews — Fri, 08 Feb 2008 02:05:54 +0000

TAI: Cher, do you think I’m still as pretty as we were in high school?

CHER: No, you’re a full-on Blu-Ray Monet.

TAI: What’s a Blu-Ray Monet?

CHER: It’s like a really great 1080i digital picture, see? From far away, or on a small YouTube window it’s OK, but up close, on Hi-Def, it’s a big old mess. Let’s ask a guy. Ashton, what do you think of Tai’s newly worked-on face?

ASHTON KUTCHER: Hagsville. And I would know.

CHER: See? But Tai, do you really think anyone wants to see you in movies, anymore?

TAI: What am I some sort of facially disfigured celebritard? Like Tara Reid?

CHER: No, not even. I didn’t say that. You were great on King of the Hill!

TAI: Oh, animation voice work, sure. But I’m not good enough for big budget movies, or something?

CHER: I just don’t think that you mesh well together.

TAI: You don’t think we mesh well? Did you even see Little Black Book! It’s like, why am I even listening to you to begin with? You’re just a failed teen movie star who can’t carry a TV show.

CHER: That was way harsh, Tai. I totally did a pilot last season.

TAI: Look, I’m really sorry. Let’s just talk when my collagen has mellowed and I can blink again, alright? I gotta go blow my agent now. I’m outie!

Bangarang!

(Miss Match was kinda charming, no?)