Bad Celebrity Pictures

What’s Giving Keira Knightley A Lemonface?

How about a Lionface every now and again, eh Kiera?How about a Lionface every now and again, eh Kiera?How about a Lionface every now and again, eh Kiera?How about a Lionface every now and again, eh Kiera?

She’s the lead in a critically acclaimed new film coming out this week that’s generating her some serious Best Actress Oscar buzz, she starred in the fourth highest grossing movie of the year, she’s recently been named the new spokesperson for vaunted perfume company Chanel and she’s successfully swatted away the incessant tabloid reports that she’s anorexic, so why does she keep flashing the Lemonface? What could be bothering her so much?

Being as I am 1) a fan of the Bend It Like Beckham star, 2) always support survivors of the Orlando Bloom Blandness Plague, and 3) am still trying to show my appreciation for her making Pride and Prejudice so surprisingly watchable, I decided to do a little digging to determine what’s dragging our pouty darling down (man, that literation came out of nowhere!). So I clicked open the Firefox, went down the Google rabbit hole and gazed into the magical glowing ball of fictional magicalness and this is what I came up with:

Things That Are Giving Keira Knightley A Lemonface…

- She’s deep into her research on a Victoria Beckham biopic. The hunky soccer husband and scary alien boobs arrive shortly.

- Shook hands with Tommy Lee at an industry party last week. Two words: Herpes Scare.

- Can not get that damn Feist song out of her head! She’s planning to sue Apple for damages.

- Still stung by the poor reception to Domino. Don’t people realize that the incoherent narrative, pretentious color timing and excessive editing were a metaphor for the broken existence that all humans share in their lonely walk towards disillusionment? It was a poignant metaphor, people! Also, she gave that one guy a pretty awesome lap dance while Mickey Rourke watched. So there was that.

- Just once could people not come up to her and say they loved her in Star Wars? Just once! Or even go up to Natalie Portman and tell her she was great in Pride and Prejudice?

- All she’s saying is that if she doesn’t get to play grown up Ginny in the Deathly Hallows movie, bitches are gonna pay!

- Seriously, whatever happened to Mazzy Star?

- Her TiVo cut off the last two minutes of Grey’s Anatomy. What happened to Seth Green?!

- Just this very second realized how bland Orlando Bloom really was. Is now rethinking every decision she’s made over the last five years.

- The plight in Darfur (uh oh, it just real. Quick Jay, make fun of something. Pink is a tranny. Phew. Close one!)

- She made the face so much as a kid that it stuck that way. Mom was right (please don’t tell her, or she’ll force me to stop cracking my knuckles)!

- Afraid of bees flying into her mouth. Consequently, currently HATES Jerry Seinfeld.

- She’s bummed that Ben Affleck doesn’t make more movies. He was just SO good in Phantoms, yo!

- Still trying to figure out the plot of Pirates of the Carribean: At World’s End. That shit was confusing! Keira became a Chinese ship captain and then Tia Dalma became a giant and was in love with Bill Nighty and what was with Orlando having to become Davy Jones with the who and the what now and the heart when why where how then the ship had to turn upside down to come back to the land of the living but what was up with the thousand Jack Sparrow’s and the crabs that walked the Black Pearl back to the beach and why again was Orlando even trying to save Jack when he totally macked down on Keira not to mention double-crossed him like eleventy billion times over the trilogy and good lord does anyone really WANT to see a Sweeney Todd movie? Remember when the whole thing was just a cute Johnny Depp performance? Yeah, me neither.

- All kidding aside, she’s just really, really hungry. Sucking on air is pretty much her daily breakfast.

- Would it kill a brother to say they liked King Arthur? The movie has its merits. Keira did spend half the movie painted blue and rocking a leather string bikini, after all. And it did have Clive Owen in it (albeit not telling Julia Roberts to fuck off and die, so it loses points in that regard).

- She’s just doing whatever she can to avoid being put on The Jay’s list of The Biggest Mouths In Hollywood.

- Taking over for the retired Derek Zoolander to create a sequel to Magnum. But I shouldn’t even be talking about it, it’s nowhere near ready!

- Actually sucking on a lemon. Apparently it’s good for the gums. Who knew?

But really? It’s probably this:

- But I want an Oompa Loompa NOW, Daddy!

Cheer up Keira, it’s all gonna be OK. You don’t have to make any more Orlando Bloom movies. The Jay promises.

Bangarang!

I’m Fabio, Bitch!

I'll never watch Heroes the same way again

Let’s right, peoples! Me, the eternal Fabio, is here to take your women, anger your movie stars, and BLOW YOUR MINDS. I am old, craggy, a has-beens has-been, and I was the original male celebritard, but STILL I score with your tiny blonde hotties! Looks at the smiles on their faces. They can’t believe they are in my thrall. They love the Fabio, and want to show me just how much. I will let Hayden run her hands through my luscious brown mane, while Veronica Mars starts an investigation on my taut Italian mid-section. And do you know what she’ll find? Romance. …cause that’s what I named my strapping penis.

The girls want me to be on their TV show, the Heroes, and I have agreed to do it. What’s my super power going to be? SUPER FUCKING AWESOMENESS! My exposed chest renders women powerless. My flowing locks are a truth serum. My teutonic biceps can crush metal. My razor wit literally cuts people to the bone. And my nipples shoot liquified nazi gold. I will be unstoppable, and utterly charismatic, for I am Fabio.

I defeated your ultimate man George Clooney last week; I fear nothing anymore. I break birds with my face! I ruin Reality shows by dating the contestants. I cause divorce just by unbuttoning my flowing, puffy shirt. I promote butter! It’s a Fabio world, and you’re just staring at my book cover.

Come tiny blonde hotties, it is time to fulfill your life-long dream. No, not being successful, respected actors, I mean being with me, Fabio.

Bangarang!

Checking In On Renee Zellweger’s Road To Bitchface Recovery

I think Jerry Maguire might have been better off shoplifting the pooty.

Yep, still got a ways to go.

THIS ARTICLE on Renee’s extensive pre-red carpet beauty regimen is a must read. It will make you shocked at the insane lengths celebrities will go to stay pretty. Let’s just say the word “sand blasting” is prominently involved, and leave it at that. My favorite part of this whole deal is that Renee goes through so much for her appearance and still ends up looking like the above picture. I’m starting to get the feeling that whatever she’s doing, it’s not working.

Or maybe it’s working exactly according to plan and she’s aiming to look like a more red-faced, batshit crazy Sharon Stone? That could be her thing, who knows. It’s possible she’s always wanting to be a living embodiment of an evil Disney villain. Or a burn victim.

Seriously, can you tell who's who?

But hey, at least she’s smiling. So there IS progress!

More updates on Renee’s Road to Recovery as they come in…

Bangarang!

Benicio Del Toro Likes To Look Pretty

That's not make up, he just hasn't shaved in a few days.

Attacking Rick Baker in a make-up test for his new movie “The Wolfman”.

That's a face only his GRANDmother could love.

Trying to look happy at the Things We Lost In The Fire Premiere.

Motherhood looks good on Halle!

Standing next to Halle Berry does not help matters.

Will this man never do a movie where he smiles?

Enjoying his screen time with Halle. (I look at this picture and all I wanna do is quote Jay from JSBSB, “Look at this morose motherfucker right here!”)

This casting is as visually spot on as Kevin Spacey as Lex Luthor.

Getting his Che Guevara on, but not looking very… t-shirt and college dorm room-iconic.

He looks madder than Burt Reynolds after he lost to Michael Caine.

Happy happy joy joy time at the Oscars (for which he WON, hello! Can an internet humorist get a smile, here?)

He looks madder than Burt Reynolds after he lost to Michael Caine.

Positively reveling in the Sundance limelight.

Yeah, that's an appealing ad for smoking.

Enjoying his cigarette in the creepiest way possible.

He who smelt it, dealt it, Benicio.  Respect!

Smelling a fart at the premiere of The Pledge.

Yeah, that's an appealing ad for smoking.

Smuggling a Pomeranian on his head into the Sin City premiere.

Still doesn't do it for me.

OK, fine, he’s not a bad looking guy.

But seriously, tell me again how he tagged Scarlett Johansson in an elevator?

She must be the world's most committed starfucker, or have zero aesthetic interest in men.

I guess talent really is everything. Course that doesn’t explain Bret Ratner nailing half the models in Hollywood AND Lindsay Lohan (ok maybe Lindsay, but I blame that on the drugs).

Bangarang!

(Follow me on Twitter @jasonamatthews)

A Yom Kippur Message From Mel Gibson

Mi chamocha, you shape-shifting cockroaches!

To Jews It May Concern:

This is Mel Gibson wishing all my Hebrew brethren, the sugar-titted JAP’s and the fucking man Jews, an easy fast and an enriching day of reflection and atonement for all their sins (the war-starting, the money-grubbing, the big noses, et al) on this most festive holy day, Yom Kippur. And to that end, I, the ever-benevolent Mel Gibson, forgives you Jews. At least the ones that bankroll my movies, anyway. Oh, and all my greedy Jew lawyers that keep me out of the clink and/or rehab, of which I have many. Also, Sydney Pollack.

You’re welcome.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m wanted in Kazakhstahn. I’m going to be the Grand Marhsall in the prestigious, annual Running of the Jews Parade. It’s quite an honor.

Hugs and kisses, my hungry shape-shifting Jews!

Signed,

Mel Gibson, Mayor of Malibu

The Celebritards Are Making It Too Easy…

This is a layup pic

Too many jokes… must keep humor dignity… must refrain from using the word “Punk’d” as a noun… must remember I am above easy meanness… think of the kids, Jay, THINK OF THE KIDS!

At least she's smiling.

Well, at least she’s smiling? (Look, I’m trying REAL hard not to knock this girl, but it’s not easy when she looks like this. I feel like Vincent Vega standing in Mia Wallace’s bathroom. “…it’s a moral test of yourself, whether or not you can maintain loyalty. Because when people are loyal to each other, that’s very meaningful. So you’re gonna go out there, drink your drink, say “Goodnight, I’ve had a very lovely evening,” go home, and jack off. And that’s all you’re gonna do.”)

Promises suck!

So, so pretty!

Tell me again why women like him so much?

This equals Hardcore

“OMG! This is like, THE most punk I have ever looked. My pink mic could start, like, total anarchistic revolutions it is so freakin’ punk rock. Suck it David Bow-E, I’m the fiercist rocker in music history, LOL!”

You're so not at all money and you don't even know it!

“Hi. I’m Peter La Fleur, Owner and Operator of Average Joe’s Gym. And I’m here to tell you, you’re perfect just the way you are. But if you feel like losing a few pounds, gettin’ healthier, and making some good friends in the process… don’t listen to anything Vince Vaughn says. EVER.”

That vein scares me.

I thought Teri knew that Warners already cast Heath Ledger as The Joker?

Bangarang!

Dirty Dancing 3: Scientology Nights

There are so many things wrong with this picture. “Nobody puts Xenu in the corner!”

Bangarang!