She’s the lead in a critically acclaimed new film coming out this week that’s generating her some serious Best Actress Oscar buzz, she starred in the fourth highest grossing movie of the year, she’s recently been named the new spokesperson for vaunted perfume company Chanel and she’s successfully swatted away the incessant tabloid reports that she’s anorexic, so why does she keep flashing the Lemonface? What could be bothering her so much?
Being as I am 1) a fan of the Bend It Like Beckham star, 2) always support survivors of the Orlando Bloom Blandness Plague, and 3) am still trying to show my appreciation for her making Pride and Prejudice so surprisingly watchable, I decided to do a little digging to determine what’s dragging our pouty darling down (man, that literation came out of nowhere!). So I clicked open the Firefox, went down the Google rabbit hole and gazed into the magical glowing ball of fictional magicalness and this is what I came up with:
Things That Are Giving Keira Knightley A Lemonface…
- She’s deep into her research on a Victoria Beckham biopic. The hunky soccer husband and scary alien boobs arrive shortly.
- Shook hands with Tommy Lee at an industry party last week. Two words: Herpes Scare.
- Can not get that damn Feist song out of her head! She’s planning to sue Apple for damages.
- Still stung by the poor reception to Domino. Don’t people realize that the incoherent narrative, pretentious color timing and excessive editing were a metaphor for the broken existence that all humans share in their lonely walk towards disillusionment? It was a poignant metaphor, people! Also, she gave that one guy a pretty awesome lap dance while Mickey Rourke watched. So there was that.
- Just once could people not come up to her and say they loved her in Star Wars? Just once! Or even go up to Natalie Portman and tell her she was great in Pride and Prejudice?
- All she’s saying is that if she doesn’t get to play grown up Ginny in the Deathly Hallows movie, bitches are gonna pay!
- Seriously, whatever happened to Mazzy Star?
- Her TiVo cut off the last two minutes of Grey’s Anatomy. What happened to Seth Green?!
- Just this very second realized how bland Orlando Bloom really was. Is now rethinking every decision she’s made over the last five years.
- The plight in Darfur (uh oh, it just real. Quick Jay, make fun of something. Pink is a tranny. Phew. Close one!)
- She made the face so much as a kid that it stuck that way. Mom was right (please don’t tell her, or she’ll force me to stop cracking my knuckles)!
- Afraid of bees flying into her mouth. Consequently, currently HATES Jerry Seinfeld.
- She’s bummed that Ben Affleck doesn’t make more movies. He was just SO good in Phantoms, yo!
- Still trying to figure out the plot of Pirates of the Carribean: At World’s End. That shit was confusing! Keira became a Chinese ship captain and then Tia Dalma became a giant and was in love with Bill Nighty and what was with Orlando having to become Davy Jones with the who and the what now and the heart when why where how then the ship had to turn upside down to come back to the land of the living but what was up with the thousand Jack Sparrow’s and the crabs that walked the Black Pearl back to the beach and why again was Orlando even trying to save Jack when he totally macked down on Keira not to mention double-crossed him like eleventy billion times over the trilogy and good lord does anyone really WANT to see a Sweeney Todd movie? Remember when the whole thing was just a cute Johnny Depp performance? Yeah, me neither.
- All kidding aside, she’s just really, really hungry. Sucking on air is pretty much her daily breakfast.
- Would it kill a brother to say they liked King Arthur? The movie has its merits. Keira did spend half the movie painted blue and rocking a leather string bikini, after all. And it did have Clive Owen in it (albeit not telling Julia Roberts to fuck off and die, so it loses points in that regard).
- She’s just doing whatever she can to avoid being put on The Jay’s list of The Biggest Mouths In Hollywood.
- Taking over for the retired Derek Zoolander to create a sequel to Magnum. But I shouldn’t even be talking about it, it’s nowhere near ready!
- Actually sucking on a lemon. Apparently it’s good for the gums. Who knew?
But really? It’s probably this:
- But I want an Oompa Loompa NOW, Daddy!
Cheer up Keira, it’s all gonna be OK. You don’t have to make any more Orlando Bloom movies. The Jay promises.