90210

And before we begin, let me just set the record straight: there are WAY more than 50 reasons. That’s merely the highest number I felt you could tolerate before my excessive salivating over an obnoxious trainwreck of a teen melodrama got a squinch out of hand.

OK, let’s begin…

Was that not the greatest/worst thing in the history of time, space and existence? And also, like, ever?

I literally could not contain myself for one second of that glorious/utterly craptastical piece of wonderful trash. Not during the scrumptious opening notes of Coldplay’s “Viva La Vida” (brills) or the introduction of the snoooooore-y Wilson clan (in their totes drab van, made extra dirty to symbolize their POORNESS), through the super insider-y Gabs Carteris back-handed reference to the return of the patron saint of non-hot blonde hotness, Miss Kelly Taylor. And let’s not even get started on “Are you lost?” Oy! SO MUCH TO TALK ABOUT!

Straight to the list!

1. Can we talk about how great the music was? Suck it, overrated indie music drops on The O.C.

2. The new “Walsh house” is a mansion. A MANSION! Brandon and Brenda nearly shat themselves at the size of Casa Walsh and that was barely a three bedroom Ranch spread. This is a damn palace! I see were removing ALL stakes (not to mention scope) from these kids lives. Good choice, show.

3. Lucille Bluth is so beyond gratuitous and so utterly necessary. If they don’t have her in a scene with Brenda by October I’m divorcing the show. Seriously, I love Grandma Bluth that much. I could watch her fling nasty bon mots at Aunt Becky for a hundred seasons. Speaking of…

4. “Why don’t you go churn us some BUTTAH” is maybe the finest one liner in creation. Learn it, love it, LIVE it.

5. Rob Estes is not aging well. Lori Laughlin? IS!

6. “Oh my God, it’s like the Oscars and everybody is Scarlet Johansson.” Oh, lame 9er dialogue, how I’ve missed thee!

7. A BJ? In a car? In broad daylight? Before school? Really, show? REALLY? Not even Valerie Malone would pull something that low-fi. I’m supposed to root for these kids?

8. So let me get this right: Annie and Dixon have to always be nice to each other, because he’s black? Dude, where is the angst? Where is the playful competition? Brandon and Brenda secretly wanted to bone each other! And it was awesome! At the very least Dixon should be throwing inappropriate lingering eyeballs at Annie whenever she scarecrows done the hall. We can do the inferring from there.

9. This may be a good time to point out that EVERYONE on this show, save that heffer Brenda Walsh, is WAAAAY to skinny. Does no one remember that the original cast were whales? Like, huge blimpy people? I swear Annie has legs the width of arms, Lori Loughlin could cut a bitch with her cheekbones and Silver looks like a cancer patient. I’d still bang every single one of them, including and expecially Jessica Walters, don’t get it twisted, I’m just saying…

10. Hannah Zuckerman-Vasquez? Oh hot damn lord and Jesus. Before we even BEGIN talking about the age joke, can we comment on the fact that this girl’s presence on the show means that Andrea Zuckerman is floating around somewhere in the show’s universe? And that she’s apparently done so well with her life that she can send her kid to West Bev for real, instead of illegally using her Grandmother’s address cause she secretly lives in THE VALLEY! And that the show actually considered her character’s legacy and storyline for one iota instead of dismissing her like a Ray Pruit second “t”? Cause seriously? Nobody cares about Andrea Zuckerman. Not when she was on the show, and not now. Even Brandon didn’t tag her and he was THE preeminent male TV whore of the 90′s (sorry Michael Mancini!).

11. But yes, the “what is she, 30?” joke was perfektch and probably the moment that made me fall head over high heels for the new 9er. Well, that and…

12. “Are you lost?” OH! OOOOH! No. No! I’m not ready to talk about it yet.

13. If Mr. Matthews isn’t being grossly inappropriate to Naomi inside of four episodes I will picket the show’s set.

14. Who is the druggie faux-Anne Hathaway bruny with the wicked bangs? Cause on the totes? She is the best teen actress on the show. Girl was making things HAPPEN. And I’m pretty sure she’s supposed to be the Emily Valentine. Which, um, we should probably not talk about, as EV is my kryptonite. And also? My dream.

15. That picture of Estes with S2 Kelly Taylor? Are we to believe that he actually EXISTED in the original universe? That he was FRIENDS with KELLY TAYLOR and we didn’t know about it? Uh, no.

16. The flashback to the Kansas musical? Yeah, let’s not so much do that EVER again.

17. OK, I’m ready… my first thought when she rolled out of the classroom and dropped the “are you lost” hotness was “whose the middle aged Asian women who needs to go on Atkins?” My second thought was “OHMYHOLYCRAPTHAT’SBRENDAWALSH!” And my third thought was “Brenda Walsh intro then slam cut to the credits is genius that can’t be comprehended by modern man”.

18. Theme song, if you’re not gonna give me the double fist bump musical cut after the opening notes, then you can die. Just get dead.

19. It’s a TRAVESTY that the cast didn’t do slow motion turnaround cast cards. That was the layuppiest layup of the entire reinvention!

20. I am STUNNED that I didn’t put two and two together that “Silver” was Erin Silver, Kelly and David’s half sister.

21. Estes and Naomi’s mom have a bastard kid together and it ISN’T Naomi? What morons are writing this show? You make the kid Naomi and then not tell the kids for awhile so Dixon can grow inappropriate feelings for her and then when they find out it’s awkward and kinda creepy frowned upon like Luke and Gwyneth in Tennenbaums hot. THAT’S how you write good teen melodrama.

22. Did Kelly Taylor just say “yowza”? Lord…

23. Who is the Tori on this show? Where is the fugly one? If Ethan is the Steve, where are the bad Rayen shirts and lame vanity plates? Is Navid the David? Where is Color Me Bad, already?

24. Why does Naomi look like a 40 year old Real Housewife of Orange County?

25. One of these kids BETTER have a mob boss for a father, or, at the very least, seventeen inch sideburns.

26. Hey Dixon? NOBODY cares about your character. Do something about that.

27. “I’m not gonna tell the end of the story because I don’t remember it.” HA! Lucille Bluth FTW!

28. Is Mr. Matthews the catch-all teacher for the school? Like if Silver needs AP Blogging to get into CU will he suddenly be her Tech teacher? Cause I could be down with that nonsensery.

29. Can we get an explanation for why Nat moved the Peach Pit to an upscale area, completely redesigned the place into a coffeehouse and opened an exclusive club on the second floor but is STILL serving latte’s by himself on a Thursday night? There is SO a secret evil boss storyline here.

30. If you stop and consider the Silver character you’ll note that she is completely pathetic. She has no friends, dresses like a bag lady and goes home every day to blog. TO BLOG! She writes a script, makes puppets and films herself bitching about her classmates. Kelly Taylor should be ashamed she has such a lame little silver. David’s probably proud of her, though. Douche.

31. Speaking of: Kelly is all growds up! Looking like a women and looking it WELL. She always needed to work at being the hot girl and it’s finally starting to come easy. It’s a treat to look at her womanliness amidst all the anorexic stick Barbie’s that infest this show.

32. Annie? Never sing again. Never do choreography again. Never do anything but eat hamburgers and let your eyebrows grow out.

33. A full seventy minutes before a scene of Brenda? MORE BRENDA WALSH IMMEDIATELY AND ALWAYS!

34. Naomi’s punishment for cheating was to write another paper? Which she does with ease? Some education at West Bev. And again, way to raise the stakes there, show! Steve Sanders would have spent three acts stressing about his thesis sentence, then finally pay Andrea to write it for him, like he’s supposed to. But here it’s just tossed off and never spoken about again. What a joke. (Though I did like Estes handing her a pad of paper and pen, like, here ya go kid, get writing. And she looked like “A pencil? Bitch please, I’ll text that shit to you in a minute.”

35. What porn director has a set that nice? I know no houses in Chatsworth that swank.

36. Shannen Doherty’s arm in the Peach Pit scene made me vomit. In my mouth. Repeatedly. And with force. If you’re feeling bulimic, go back and watch that scene in slow motion. Make sure a toilet is clean and at the ready.

37. So let me get this right: Annie gets involved in a cheating scandal, sneaks out of the house to attend a party, flies to San Francisco without permission and weighs 86 pounds and she barely gets grounded? Jim Walsh would have put bars on Brenda’s wedding is she overspent her allowance by a nickel. Where does this show think it’s going?

38. What I’m saying is that Brenda was such a great hero to teens because her antagonist was her own father. Annie’s antagonist is her frenemy Naomi. It’s relatable, but boring. We WANTED to se Brenda disobey. And we wanted her to thrive despite the strict rules of Casa Walsh. I just want Annie to get slapped with some carbohydrates.

39. “There’s a whole world outside of Beverly Hills” Um, idiot, you’re in Santa Monica. Chill the eff out.

40. Oooh, Ethan is night surfing. And he has commitment issues. What a rebel! Dylan McKay was a motherless, fatherless, DRUNK at sixteen. Beat that, conflicted lacrosse douche!

41. Was Kelly on the phone with DYLAN? Her baby daddy? Cause, um, HU-WHAT? And why was her kid wearing crocs like slippers? What wardrobe lady was hitting on Mr. Matthews when that outfit came through for launch approval?

42. Ty has a more obvious rape face than Chuck Bass.

43. Which makes it all the more disappointing when he didn’t try to rape Annie in San Fran. What a wasted opportunity. There was a nice inroad to create real character for Annie. He could have tried to force himself on her, she could have backpedaled and then taken control of the situation and her womanhood, Jolie-style. Afterwards, he would have been gaga for her and she would be empowered by her newfound control. Also, she’d be conflicted about what she did to get out of the situation. No teen girl can relate to flying to San Francisco in a private plane with a 17 year-old boy. But I know SEVERAL girls who could relate to giving their boyfriend’s BJ’s to avoid having sex. That is what separates this 9er from the OG. Brenda was nearly date rapped inside of three episodes and she learned shit from that episode. What did Annie learn? Next time bring a more powerful cell phone?

44. Wait, Brandon is calling Kelly at 3am, professing his love for her? I don’t understand. He had his chance. They called off the wedding! She got back with Dylan. He MUST know this. Hell, he MUST know the identity of her baby daddy, which is presumably Dylan. God, even when he’s not around Brandon is STILL a self-absorbed prick.

45. Was it just me or did Ethan look like he was wearing socks in the pool? Terrible lighting job, there.

46. Did you see the lingering look Brenda gave Mr. Matthews? I give it five episodes before she steals him from Kelly. Cause that’s how BRENDA EFFING WALSH rolls!

47. I love that during Silver’s sad, sad speech about her parent’s break up, all I could think about was how great it is that Jackie Taylor is still a drunken whore. The more things change, the more they stay the same.

48. Was I supposed to care that Ethan saw Annie kissing Ty the rapist? He spent the episode hooking up with other girls and she spent it telling him he was a douche. That was the ending to the big 90210 premiere? Not so much there, show.

49. Donna Martin Graduates!

50. The acting is uniformly terrible, everyone is too hot and too skinny, the b-plots are nonsense and boring, the bruny bangs girl is the only interesting kid, Kelly is hot but has a pathetic sister and baggage, Shannen looks like a cryptkeeper, Nat is a joke, Rob Estes is bland, Lori Loughlin KNOWS she’s better than this shit, Jessica Walters isn’t quite sure she isn’t still making Arrested Development, the theme song is crap, the dialogue is leaden, the pace is flat, the conflict is non-existent and the show is only good for reminding us that the originally show wasn’t that good to begin with.

So, to recap, I HATE LOVED IT!

Bangarang!

(Follow me on Twitter @jasonamatthews)

Here’s the promo for The CW’s upcoming soul-sucking remake of the greatest sideburn teen melodrama starring actors in their 30′s ever devised, Beverly Hills, 90210. Try not to vomit your childhood:

I’m both utterly intrigued and completely horrified by this whole affair. I’m definitely nauseous, and I think I may barf. Beverly Hills, 90210, was my Thursday, then later Wednesday, night 8-9pm world for close to nine years. Nine of my most formative years. It was the first show I dropped everything to watch. My first experience obsessing wholly and completely about an entertainment product. My first experience watching an adult show, really, as I started watching when I was all of ten. So 90210 is ingrained into me; it’s a major part of my teenage life. When it ended (with Tori and her hamburger cleavage smushed into a wedding dress while a hollow-eyed BAG tried to convince us he’s stoked to bang Donna freakin’ Martin for the next 50 years), a part of me ended with it.

I feel like Duke in Rocky 4, talking about Apollo: 90210 was like my son. I was raised with it. And when it was canceled, a part of me was canceled. But now you’re the one. You’re the one that’s gonna keep the show’s spirit alive. You’re the one that’s gonna make sure that it wasn’t canceled for nothing. Now you’re gonna have to go through hell (more Tori Spelling). Worse than any nightmare you ever dreamed (more Ian Ziering). But in the end, I know you’ll be the one standing (as long as Shannen comes back).

So now we have this fuckacta redo. Some idiot in a suit who could give a shit about what The Walsh family means to the world, took a look at the Google search numbers for Gossip Girl, shit a money brick and hit the re-energize button on a teen melodrama corpse that died for good reason. And now I have to deal with this collection of atrocities strung together in the service of name recognition. Well… if I’m gonna have to watch every minute of every single episode of this damn awesome/terrible show, because I will, I might as well get some good snark out of it. So here are my initial ten thoughts about the promo/show:

1. The cast is WAAAAAAY to pretty. I would bang every single one of them, including Lucille Bluth. This is not a good thing. Take a trip back to the 1st season look of the OG 90210: an awkward looking Jennie Garth, a frumpy Gabs Carteris, asymmetrical faced/eyebrow challenged/horse-toothed Shannen Doherty, and the patron saint of ugly, Mr. Tori Spelling. And that’s before we shiver at the be-mulleted Cindy Walsh. The only person you would even go near was Jennie, and even that was an end of the night, scan the bar, sigh and accept your lot in life sort of deal. But here? Vile things would be done to each of these perfect hotties. The whole point of the original show was that the cast was ugly; it was how we plebes related to the show. No one from my high school looked like these girls. I mean, sure, they’ll be great to watch in a locked room, but mostly I just want to punch them all in the face a couple times so they look more like Tori.

2. Can someone please tell me why Lucille Bluth and Uncle Jessie’s girlfriend are taking pictures with that nice Jewish girl? Is it her Bar Mitzvah, or something? Is she dying and this is her “Make A Wish”? I don’t understand.

3. Where exactly are Kelly Taylor and Donna Martin fitting into this show? I don’t mean as characters, because we know what they’ll be doing. I mean in terms of scope. The show is basically The O.C. but shot in Torrance; where in the midst of fast cars, flat tummy’s and text-speak are we gonna find Kelly Taylor doing anything significant. Is it gonna be like watching the Green Bay Packers last year? A slew of hotshot rookies humoring the old guy who still happens to throw a good ball now and again? Kelly as the West Bev Fashion teacher? Pop show, please! Kelly Taylor survived a gunshot to the stomach, an addiction to coke, a fire, a cult, two tours of service with Brandon Walsh, Steve Saunders’ penis, living with David Silver and being poor. And she ends up a high school teacher? What’s Donna doing, renting out tapes at the local Blockbuster?

4. Can someone please tell me why in the promo, that Silver girl – who was crazy hot on Reaper – is randomly inserted into the Fiona Apple “Criminal” video? I’m not complaining, just curious.

5. All these kids are so damn fresh-faced! Who’s the drunk here? Who’s gonna have to work in a car wash at some point? Who’s gonna watch his friend shoot himself in the head and then break down over the campus PA? Who’s gonna have sex on the beach with Dylan while Brenda is in Paris with Rick?

6. Where are all the sideburns? I refuse to approve this redo unless I see a cumulative three feet of unnecessary, well-groomed cheek fuzz.

7. Is this what we should expect from the fashion on the show? Cause I don’t remember Carrie Bradshaw ever living and horsing in the 9′er. If I see Pat Field’s name ANYWHERE in the credits, I’m out!

8. One good thing I can say: This is their Steve Saunders. So, at least they cast an appropriate-looking douchebag. However, the show loses massive points for not giving him a horrific blond mullet and a tri-paneled rayon shirt.

9. OK, let’s talk for a second about Dixon Mills. And let’s talk about his skin color. And how’s it’s a device that won’t hold water. Firstly, there were ZERO minorities in the OG 9′er. Did anyone have a problem with this? No! Because it was a stereotype of the culture and the stereotype were rich, vapid white people. Um, what’s changed? I mean, has anyone SEEN Gossip Girl? It’s all white people. Why? Because that’s the Upper East Side culture they are making fun of. 90210 is the Westside UES. Does anyone else see my issue here? Secondly, I get that it’s ultra-PC and “in” to have the new Brandon be black, but really, who’s gonna care? After the third episode, when everyone “accepts” him, and he “adapts” to the code, what’s the point of his race? Is it just to bring in African American viewers? They’re not gonna watch the show! They didn’t watch The O.C. or Dawson’s Creek, why would the new 9′er change that pattern just because they call the guy Dixon and make him look like Chris Brown? I mean, the guy can’t even rock a greased up, step fade hair cut and a giant sense of entitlement and moral superiority, so really, what good is he?

10. So here’s the new logo. Apparently the show is just going by “90210″. Cause they’re too good for the “Beverly Hills” part. Oooh, how hip and edgy, it’s just a number! Live by the code! You know what, “90210″, with your flashy establishing shots, lack of sideburns, too pretty starlets and lack of Walsh’s, why don’t you just live by the GO FUCK YOURSELF!

I hate that I’m going to love this show so much.

Bangarang!