Welcome, one and all, to the two hour David Archuleta coronation special! Sub-titled “Don’t Worry, David Cook Will Be Just Fine”.
No time for the intro, let’s get straight to the live blog! (Updates roll down, so make sure to hit refresh and scroll)
8:00 – The Davids in white, Ryan in fau-hawk, all is right with the Idol World.
8:01 – Still haven’t gotten used to those credits. And by “used to those credits”, I of course mean “used to Taylor Hicks”. HATE!
8:02 – 96 million? Suck it, Presidential Race! Cook/McPhee in 2012!
8:02 – Really? Mikalah still? She didn’t have someone’s credit card to max out? Oy, the hate is starting eeeeearly tonight.
8:04 – Welcome Back, Top 12. We hardly missed you. Especially you, Michael Johns. Johns, Australian for Idol loser.
8:05 – Why are they all in white? Not a one of them is pure. The only one who is even heavenly at all is Jason Castro, and that’s only because he’s so high he can see Jeebus.
8:10 – David Cook singing Chad Kroeger is the fastest way on Earth to make me hate him. Sunlight doesn’t reach me faster than that hate.
8:12 – Thankfully, he looks ashamed for himself. But also, like he wants to write Nickelback 4Eva on his palm and pimp slap Camera 1.
8:13 – Is Archie even ALLOWED to see a PG-13 movie? Thankfully he was accompanied by someone over the age of 17.
8:14 – Whore, thy name is Mike Myers. Archuleta looks like he’s meeting Mickey Mouse for the first time.
8:15 – Oy.
8:18 – We almost just lost our national treasure!!!! Can we sue Mike Myers for near manslaughter? Or just jail him for being a crazy promo whore?
8:18 – Oh, how nice, Heidi Klum let Seal out of the bi-racial babymaking factory. She’s such a nice boss.
8:19 – Is something wrong with Syesha’s mic? Oh, no, nothing wrong, I just forgot she’s not very good. Nevermind. Moving on…
8:20 – She looks FANtastic, though. What a total pro. Too bad Seal is BLOWING her out of the Nokia Dome.
8:25 – Oh neat, it’s make fun of the pothead time. I like that they didn’t even TRY to give him a duet. Like he could keep a beat with another person. Also, dig that he’s singing the ONLY song he ever did well, way back in the semis. So awesome that an ambivalent burnout who peaked three months ago made it into the Top 3. Cause it’s not like there wasn’t other people who actually CARED to be on the show, ahem Carly Smithson. Effing Jason Castro!
8:28 – Things the world cares less about then the Ford commercial: Behind the scenes outtakes of the Ford commercials. NEXT!
8:29 – Aww, they gave the Davids cars. So in three years when Arch gets his learner’s permit he can take the thing out for a swing.
8:30 – Love how fierce Carly looks. Giving out death eye stares. She is working this song out. Meanwhile, Amanda smoked an entire pack of Marlboro Reds during that performance.
8:31 – Pack of Twinkie’s, table for one, under the name Malubay. First name is Ramiele.
8:33 – Alright, who gave Seacrest a Red Bull? You KNOW he turns into a spastic Gremlin when you give him sugar past 3pm. Bad Idol staff, bad!
8:35 – Oh, there you are, Syesha!!! Man alive she looks happy to be up there with Donna. Good for her. Everytime I think I don’t like her, I remember she’s kind of awesome.
8:41 – One of the things I love most about this season was the complete lack of outcry at Michael Johns’ surprise ouster. Like the entire viewing audience realized at the exact same time how much of a tool munch he was, and collectively decided to do something about it. Well done, USA!
8:43 – Kimmel attacking Sanjaya. FRESH!
8:43 – Ryan is metro jokes? Where is he getting his material, 2003?
8:45 – Oooh, a montage of Simon’s utter awesomeness. Fun!
8:46 – Ah, David H. got time off the pole so he could come to the Finale! How sweet.
8:48 – Bryan Adams? So he’s grizzled. Like a pancake left on the griddle 30 seconds too long. Any chance he can sing the Robin Hood song? Is he good for anything else?
8:53 – If there was any question that David Cook will have a long, successful career, please look at Example A of his awesomeness: the ZZ Top performance. On key, sounding great, dancing (!), giving off rock star glow. Like if he grew his beard a bit more he could be part of the band. Slightly off topic, how much would I pay to hear him sing the ZZ Top song from Back to the Future 3? That number has yet to be conjured by mathematicians.
9:00 – Brooke White and her witch hands performing with Graham Nash. Thanks for the five minute nap break, Idol!
9:03 – David Cook as Tom Cruise is scary. In twenty years, will Cook be banging Suri and believing in dead sci-fi writers? Yeesh, who will Archie be dating? A sunflower?
9:07 – This is either the Jonas Bros or the lost Archuleta brothers? Wait, it’s the Jonas Bros? Time for a pad thai break!
9:09 – Look at the Grammy with her purse! Totes adores.
9:10 – Shite contestants montage. I’m going for actressing!
9:12 – The show was doing so well not being about humiliation. And then… you are my brother. Eff you Idol, I’m going for channel-changing!
9:18 – What does OneRepublic have to do with Idol? And is anyone else confused that we’re listening to this song but we’re not seeing a slow motion montage of the Gossip Girls cast look wistfully into the middle distance?
9:20 – Um, the producers knew Arch has no falsetto when they dreamed this number up, right? Just curious…
9:22 – The “biggest party in Utah” is like saying the “biggest Flat-Iron in Ryan’s bathroom”. Which is to say, that don’t mean shit.
9:23 – Aw, who put that nice ogre in gold tinfoil?
9:24 – Can you believe we gave her the title last year? Blake must be punching walls, on the daily tip.
9:25 – Look at those ginormous calves. She could field goal Ramiele into Nevada with those calves.
9:26 – Aw, look at Blake, singing along, giving support. SUCH a cool dude!
9:31 – RoDoJu!!!!!!!
9:32 – Can we make him American Idol? He’s only the coolest person on the face of the universe!
9:33 – Um, we get it! Move on.
9:35 – Am I supposed to be seeing that much of Carrie’s crotch? is that legal? Woof, she looks good. Syesha is bacne compared to the Underwood hotness.
9:36 – Why Idol didn’t just shut down and call it a day after they crowned Carrie, is beyond me. Do they really think they’re gonna find a specimen of music better than her? That’s just foolishness.
9:41 – Oh nice, a pedophilia commercial. Does Arch even know what he was parodying?
9:45 – I think Overmyer is drunk. And I think Brooke has no idea what this song is about. She just hears “Faith” and her broom starts levitating.
9:47 – How much do I love that they have the Top 12 singing George Michael songs. Think David Hernandez thinks he’s back at work?
9:48 – Man, Chikezie got the shaft this year. He was so awesome. Again, effing Jason Castro.
9:49 – This show just turned into the Gayest thing that ever Gayed. Ryan must be floating right now. You couldn’t pull his smile off with pliers.
9:53 – I know I say this every year, but seriously, why are we wasting the last 15 minutes of the entire season listening to some washed up singer? Last year it was Bette Midler, now it’s George Michael. What gives? Does he have any connection to American Idol? In what world is he relevant to the audience of this show. Definition of inexplicable, this.
9:59 – Ooh, final Randy Jackson useless comment of the year. Always a touchingly useless moment.
10:00 – Simon is apologizing now? Guess he saved it up for the final episode. He just blew his nice budget for the season.
10:01 – Here we go, the result…
10:02 – DAVID COOK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111
10:03 – Holy shitballs!!!!!!
10:03 – How did we get it right? AMERICA, FUCK YEAH!
10:04 – Congratulations, David Cook. You started off a geeky, vest-wearing melon head who provided us only with bad crossword puzzle video clips and totes smug facial expressions and evolved into a awesomely cropped, stubble rocking, bad ass who nailed every challenge, rose above bad material, and was humble in victory. You deserve this prize. And I am SO glad I was wrong. So glad that I underestimated this show’s fans.
10:04 – Congratulations to Archuleta. Despite you being a hollow vaccuum of nothing, you have a beautiful voice and you were a tremendously sweet kid. I wish you the best. I hope you survive the night.
10:05 – Thank you all for following my coverage of American Idol Season Seven. I can say this now: it was all worth it. We got it right. We got David Cook. Thank Jeebus.
10:06 – And by “Jeebus”, I of course mean “Simon Cowell”.
See you next season!
Bangarang!
Everything I said in my April Fool’s post, up until the end, was completely true. I don’t have the time anymore, I’ve lost interest in celebrity shenanigans, I have other projects I want to focus on, and I don’t want to not like things anymore.
TRIPLE BLOOP
DOUBLE BLOOP
SINGLE BLOOP
Even though Cook tanked (TANKED!) the Collective Soul song, I wasn’t wowed by Archuleta’s “Imagine” sequel, either. But Cook at least gets points for trying something new, and acknowledging that redoing a performance is lame and vote-pleading (and thereby undercutting Archuleta. Who brought the dick? Cook brought the dick!). Arch’s Imagine redo paled in comparison to his original, but more importantly, by choosing to sing it again, Archuleta was basically admitting he peaked 14 weeks ago and stayed one-note the ENTIRE season! However, the finale always gets casual viewers, and they won’t remember that he sang it 654% better back in February, and hasn’t sounded any better since then. 
When all is said and done, American Idol is supposed to be about finding the great new voice in pop music. David Archuleta has that voice. Again, yes, OBVIOUSLY, David Cook is more fun to listen to, and can do amazing things with the right arrangement. But from a strict powerhouse vocal standpoint, Archuleta is without peer. It’s the difference between listening to Josh Groban and Justin Timberlake. Timberlake will get you moving, will get you hot, but that’s the music, Groban will get you crying, and that’s the voice, the whole point. And since the show has shown it’s not in the business of finding pop stars (or else Kat McPhee, Daughtry and Blake would all be winners), much as Simon would like to believe; Idol has no interest in David Cook.
