But I will NOT be shutting down the website.

So technically, the April Fools was on myself. Or, I guess, I unconsciously fooled myself by trying to fool you into thinking I hadn’t fooled myself when in reality I was the fool and you were the foolee, except not, because it wasn’t true, but it was and my brain just broke.

Can someone get MIles from Lost to explain time travel to me, cause I think I just shot Ben Linus dead.

So TheJay.com, as it is, won’t be going offline. I get too much traffic to old posts, have too many links floating around the net, and it’s nice to be able to go through my online archives every so often and laugh at my old jokes. That being said, new posts will be VERY few and far between (think 2-3 posts a month at best). And when (or if) it does happen, it will be fun and funny like always, but positive. A collection of ideas around things that are awesome.

In fact, I’m changing my site description from:

“TheJay.com is pop culture from inside the bubble, offering fresh and funny commentary on the world of entertainment and celebrity shenanigans.”

To:

“TheJay.com is fresh and funny commentary on all things awesome in the world of entertainment.”

Will I still be somewhat acerbic? Sure. Will I still poke fun at some of my lesser favorite celebrities ahem Reese ahem? Yeah, probs. Will I every so often let a bitchy post slip through the wire? Only if Mischa Barton does something stupid enough to block my sunshine.

But for the most part, you can expect great YouTube clips, move trailer reviews, drops of songs that are worth endlessly repeating on a loop on your iPod (think: “Use Somebody”, Kings of Leon, or “Hope Valley Hill”, Helios), love letters to celebrities are who loveable and updates on things going on with me that are of note.

I hope you’ll pop back in occasionally and see what’s up. Whatever is here, I’m hoping it’ll be just a little something to brighten up your day. Especially if you hate Mischa Barton.

Bangarang!

You know what’s the best? An American Idol season where the producers pick the Themes without paying attention to the musical styles of the contestants. We had Country Night last week and no one in the Top 11 is a country artist. This week we had Motown Night and barely 3 of the Top 10 have any business whatsoever of playing in that sandbox (and Lil peed in the sand). I can only assume that after Matt and Scott get booted, they’ll have Piano Night. Such an ass backwards season we got here.

This may be a hypercritical observation, but has anyone noticed the relative lack of passion so far this season? That we no longer have a search for the next great artist, but a search for the person who can act the most like the next great artist? I liken season eight to the season of Real World just after Miami, where the kids finally realized they were never going to top Dan calling Mellissa a bitch and Mike having a threeway in the shower and then jumping on comic book girl Sarah and her saying he “smells like broads”, and to go further back, the entirety of Puck, David blanket raping Tami, the life and death of Pedro Zamora, Neil getting his tongue bitten off and Eric Neis’s arms, so now the Idolists have stopped being real and started playing the exact stereotype they were cast as, without hesitation or conscience.

We’re a season and a half from a moderately talented black guy slapping Kara for having Lyme disease, three Idol finalists banging in a hot tub on day one of Top 12 week and Ruthie showing up drunk out of her mind and getting behind the wheel of a bus.

Oh, what I wouldn’t give to see Simon beat the snot out of the Miz.

Wait, what show are we blogging about? Anyway… yeah, a lack of passion. A soulless, dead-eyed cabal of mediocre singers, restless judges, useless Randy Jackson, Ryan quickly losing patience and a total Abe Froman group sing. You know Abe Froman, right? The Sausage King of Chicago?

Let us move post haste to the bloop review before I start a 700 word rant about how this show would be infinitely better if done on a Winnebago traveling across the country.

As I do every elimination week, I recap the performances and grade the singers on a sliding scale of how much I wanted to, or did, TiVo-bloop through the song. At the end of each recap I’ll make my pick for who should (and hopefully will) get the axe on the mind-numbingly long results show. Let’s start the blooping!

TRIPLE BLOOP

Megan Corkrey – Much as it pains me to relinquish my lone Idol Boof, I am disavowing Megan Joy. She’s gorgeous and kooky, but the dancing is now that uncomfortable and not cute kind of special needs, the singing is atrocious, her control is off the rails and she has no defense against any of it. She’s so much like Tai in Clueless during the “what do I do with this sweatshirt” montage, trying anything to make her dumb shit work and never realizing the best approach would have been NOT bringing the sweatshirt to begin with. I tried so hard to love her, but even Boof Love has its limits.

Michael Sarver – I never noticed this before, but Sarver has a total Buffy the Vampire Slayer vamp forehead when he sings. The eyebrows go up, the skull becomes cro magnon, the mouth moves like there are too many big teeth in it, and he forever looks two blinks from eating the crowd. If he put a claddagh ring on and wore a duster, Idol security would need to be on constant patrol for a petite blond girl with a stake, ugly leather pants and a complete inability to show leadership or diplomacy.

Scott MacIntyre – This has reached the “not funny, not fun” state. He’s just no good. And the judges have run out of kind ways to tell him he’s not a worthy Idolist, without hurting his blind feelings. His vocals trade off between sharp and flat, the song and performance was boring, he gave ANOTHER song choice excuse, which I didn’t buy, and there was even more random shenanigans in his judges critique. Paula brought props? And decided to run the bit in front of the BLIND GUY who’s standing up there not sure why the audience is suddenly laughing? Stay classy, American Idol.

DOUBLE BLOOP

Anoop Desai – Well that was some sloppy, somnambulant bullshit.

Lil Rounds – Sooooo she biffed it. I got the feeling she was caught up in the pressure of being the chosen one this week. The producers practically gift-wrapped the week for her, and she just buckled. Loved the homage outfit and hair, but she oversang the song, ran it too fast and constantly looked like Walt from Lost just before The Others took him. I half expected Randy to start screaming LIIIIIIIILLLL, while Simon pushed a “that was atrocious” button every 108 seconds. Kara was right, we expected her to pwn the week and the fact that she didn’t, well… let’s just say that the winner usually pwns their Chosen One Night. Carrie pwned Country Night, David Cook pwned lite-Alt Rock Night, Taylor pwned Old Man Night and a Kelly pwned In Five Years I Will Be A Whale Night.

Danny Gokey – The voice fit the Theme, the outfit matched the Spring print ads for Express. It’s Motown week and you can’t suit up, you pandering ponce? Fail! I can not sit through anymore of his “please love me” bullshit. The running around the stage, the woofing, the jumping in with the backup singers, the touching the crowd; it’s all so manipulative, plastic and wasteful. Completes supes totes Amateur Hour.

SINGLE BLOOP

Matt Giraud – I was juuuust about to knock him a bloop grade for doing ANOTHER piano performance, when he finally got up and used his bloody feet. Then, after watching him, I kinda wished he hat sat back down. He’s so tall and gangly, but with the button up shirt, tie and cardigan he looked so stiff, its like watching a mannequin do pilates. Thankfully, there’s such a thing as closing your eyes. When one does that all you notice is a smooth, soulful voice throwing down on a classic Motown track. I would take him in the Finals over Gokey in a heartbeat.

Kris Allen – Kris is really an 84% guy, isn’t he? He gets up, performs, it’s fine, you feel safe watching him, he’s not going to Lambert you, it will never be a trainwreck, but it will also never be transcendent. It’s better than middle of the pack, but nooooot good enough to get the “A”. You have to admire his consistency and low profile style; I see him silently passing over better contestants a la Jason Castro. And I see him disappearing from my world the second he attempts to sing in French with a mandolin.

Adam Lambert – This will sounds strange, but is it possible that last night, WE Lamberted HIM? It must be the guyliner and in the face bangs that cause the Rapey Eyes, because Adam looked like a legit crooner all cleaned up on stage. It was a fabulous turn for him. He showed that he can go mainstream, not offend the Red States, still deliver a knockout vocal without all the lights and sounds and mishegoss, and proved, once again, that as far as American Idol Contestants go, he’s light years smarter than everyone else. He’s the only one that gets how to win; it’s not about pure vocal ability, you have shake up all the peripheral stuff (staging, arrangement, etc.), but stay in the box for the vocals and then you can make the audience and judges love you equally. I will also quickly add that he needs a chemical peel worse Bill Murray and Seal combined.

NO BLOOPS EVER!!!!

Allison Iraheta – Confident, smooth, commanding and not at all Gokey-ish. I love that Allison gets up there and just belts. None of this playing to the crowd bullshit; she doesn’t need to because her voice is so ZOMG good. And when she does move, she stalks that stage like a cheetah, gives us the growl eyes and whips around her magenta hair. She’s like a Wild Thing. This is what we wanted Carly Smithson to be, but never got because Carly has desperation tattooed on her forehead and Allison is too young to understand what that even looks like, she just thinks Carly’s boots are cool. And they are. … THEY ARE!

The Bottom Three: Michael Sarver, Megan Corkrey, Scott MacIntyre

My prediction for who gets the axe: Michael Sarver

Bangarang!

Oh, TiVo Multi-Bloop, how I missed you so! On those long audition rounds when I yearned for your sweet mercy. In Hollywood Week whilst enduring the aural torture that was Bikini Girl. During the Top 36 when I kept fighting the urge to grab you and Triple Bloop the bejeesus out of Tatiana Del Toro. There have been many long days and nights since we last graded a bunch of wannabe pop stars. Good sir, it has been too long.

So it is with great pleasure that I welcome you to the new season of American Idol. And to a new, ever-mediocre Top 12 (nee 13). I know your work this year will be as generous and philanthropic as ever. As vital as ever. Especially in regards to any video package where Allison Iraheta speaks, or any performance where Adam Lambert attempts to eye rape the world.

Let’s not waste time with pleasantries. Straight to the show review and blooping we go!

I absolutely love what Simon is doing with his reviews this year. Cutting through the bullshit and actually commenting on the emotional manipulation the contestants use is nothing short of brilliant. And you know I love the transparency of Idol declaring itself a puppet show and then detailing the how’s and where’s it moves the strings. Kris Allen, don’t bring out your wife so soon, you’ll lose votes! Sarver, the oilrig thing is not selling, change it up! Lil Rounds, stop trying to sing to Middle America, the Blue States WILL carry you! Danny, keep pimping the dead wife, we still love it!

God I love Simon Cowell. Can’t wait to see him start telling all the Momtestants to stop using their bastard children to endear us to them. Megan just may lose her epic fool mind! Paula, Kara, Randy, you were by turns useless, fugly and retarded. Work on that, hmm.

To the Blooping!

As I do every elimination week, I recap the performances and grade the singers on a sliding scale of how much I wanted to, or did, TiVo-bloop through the song. At the end of each recap I’ll make my pick for who should (and hopefully will) get the axe on the mind-numbingly long results show. Let’s start the blooping!

TRIPLE BLOOP

Allison Iraheta – I see Allison’s been watching tape of Amanda Overmyer; the trucker fashion, the janky hair, the broken glass voice and the oft-putting stage presence. It’s a potent combination that achieve two things, 1. It feels like a “good” “performance” when it isn’t, and 2. It has so much going on right in your face that it takes you till the next performer before you realized she kinda had the suck happening. Smart move, kid.

Jorge Nunez – Are we actually… allowed to do that with suit sleeves? I thought a bill was signed into law about that trend. No? Will Jorge need to pay Don Johnson royalties? Is this secretly a viral marketing way of getting Miami Vice back on the pop culture radar? Is Colin Farrell fronting this under the table? Cause there ain’t no way it was an actual MOVE in this competition. Picking the most boring MJ song in his catalog (Borge? Nunez?), singing it with half a pulse, letting his eyebrows swallow his entire face. I’m just gonna assume he’s trying to get kicked off, so I can let logic exist in my life again.

Michael Sarver – Can we put an embargo on the oil rigging footage? If he’s not gonna do a slow motion Ben Affleck in Armageddon 360 stand up while the President asks him to save the world, I could care less that he rigs oil. Also, when did we start letting Wedding Singers compete on this show? I felt like Michael was abouy to announce the cake cutting when he was done, or pull the Father of the Bride out on the dance floor, something reception-y. I also felt like I wanted to strangle is misplaced ass with a microphone cord and then cry over Drew Barrymore. But that’s just me.

DOUBLE BLOOP

Anoop Desai – You know the term “dress for success”? And the term “dress for the job you want, not the job you have”? Anoop apparently equates “success” with “1am funsies at a Frat Party”, and appears to want the job of “American Apparel register monkey”. I mean the jeans? The frakking jeans? On national TV? ReTIRE that sloppy shit. Does he even want to be ON this show? Has he at any point given us a reason why he WANTS to be the next American Idol? Anoop Dog is in the doghouse until future notice.

Matt Giraud – We’re just gonna talk about it once, then we won’t need to talk about it again. Justin Timberlake Lamberted Jason Segel and they produced a child. That child grew up to be Matt Giraud. OK. Great. Let’s never speak of this again.

Scott MacIntyre – We’re not gonna talk about the voice or performance, because I think we all know the deal: he’s not blind, he’s not in the Top 12. So let’s talk about the pandering video package the producers whipped up to make their own little weekly Idol Gives Back. Check it: not only is SCOTT blind, but so is his SISTER. Can you believe the injustice! Vote for hope! Yes we can! A vote for Scott is a vote for the entire nation of sighted people. You will never need to help a blind person cross the street, or give change to a blind homeless person. Nope, American Idol takes care of your charity, and your karma, with a gift-wrapped box of “Vision Impaired WOW”. I mean, look, we’ve seen him triumph over his handicap, seen him simultaneously mock AND forgive Ryan for the Not Five Incident, and seen him bring back the white person mullet. Isn’t it about time we say thank you, send him on his way and focus on the more important special needs person in the Top 12, Megan Joy Corkrey?

Jasmine Murray – Now that is a photogenic family. With their round Cosby kid faces and group TV watching like Cuba’s family at the end of Jerry Maguire. They even had the little black child running around slapping pics of Jasmine on the frig and yelling “that’s my mofo”! And I could spend pretty much all day just looking at Jasmine’s Mom’s bangs. That’s some Beyonce shit right there. As for the performance, it was rough. Girl needs a better stylist, less eye make-up, the best vocal coach money can buy and ten hours in an isolation tank with every episode of TRL from 2002 playing on a loop.

SINGLE BLOOP

Kris Allen – I feel like watching him is like knowing what a Lance Bass solo album would look and sound like. The hair is great, the arms are cut, the height is diminutive at best, the desperation is teeming at the surface, the wife beard is standing just offstage and the actual MUSIC is an afterthought. A sweet, sweet afterthought.

Megan Joy Corkrey – The right song for her burnt acid voice and the right beat for her adorably dorky corkscrew bebop dancing, though the complete wrong choice for an actual singing competition. And did I catch her “cawing” at the end there? Unless she’s auditioning for the Arrested Development movie she needs to never do that again. In the ever. Of ever. Also? Ever. Was I completely sucked in by her hip shaking, billion dollar smiling and obvious appeal to Annette Funicello beach party movie fans? I was. But now I’m a bit worried Katy Perry is gonna show up and cut this girl.

Danny Gokey – Well that was spastic. And in the employ of every suck ass kiss up move in the book. Point the mic at the crowd! Point the mic at Paula! Dance like a dork! Go on runs for no reason! Wear glasses! I will be SHOCKED if at some point this season he doesn’t have some stupid words written on his hand, all David Cook-style (something like “Down With Poverty”). Listen to me close: I fear for a Gokey-Lambert, Soul v. Rape finals.

Adam Lambert – I know what he was doing is traditionally called “singing”. I can accept that he was performing words that have been written down and combined with a melody. But all I actually HEARD was this: “Hi there, I’m Lambert. Ooh, say, would you mind if I raped you? Cause I was really hoping to get a rape going tonight. And not just some G-rated raping, I’m talking like Monica Bellucci Irreversible raping. A level five rape. Where at the end, the term “raping” is changed to “Lamberting”. Would that be OK with you? Well, while you’re considering my proposal, I’m gonna go ahead and get started on that raping, OK?”

Lil Rounds – Remember the poster for the movie Angel Eyes? Where Jennifer Lopez was turned into a white person? And how it was completely inexplicable because her On The 6 Bronx Latin-ness is what we LIKED about her? That’s what went down on the Rounds tonight (minus the Jim Caveziel stalking). Call me un-PC, but I like my whites white and my blacks black. I want Lil singing Blige and Beyonce and doing it in a massive bedazzled denim jacket, layers of gaudy platinum jewelry and an out of control Soul Glo weave. I want to be scared she’s gonna cut me if I don’t applaud. I do NOT want her wearing lavender. And an entire Rose Parade float of fringe on her shoulder. Lil, please, go black deep. Never forget: Fantasia beat Jennifer Hudson.

NO BLOOPS EVER!!!!

Alexis Grace – Teaching your daughter to say “Seacrest Out”? That’s how you become my WIFE. Rocking the pimp slot with a fierceness? That’s how you become the next American Idol. Loved the hair, loved the look, loved the tone, control and pitch. Loved the stage lighting, loved the song choice. Loved it all. Love.

The Bottom Three: Jorge Nunez, Matt Giraud, Michael Sarver, Allison Iraheta

My prediction for who gets the axe: Jorge Nunez, Michael Sarver

Bangarang!

Bangarang!

The Idol Matrix Part 2!

The Idol Matrix Part 3!

EXT. HOLLYWOOD BLVD. – AFTERNOON

DAVID ARCHULETA runs through the streets of Hollywood. He is being chased by a horde of screaming tween girls.

He runs.

He licks his hips.

He runs.

He forgets his words.

He is tired.

He thinks of what will happen if his Dad finds out he’s been near a girl instead of obssesively training to be a SUPERstar! Hat burns sting real bad!

He runs.

He climbs the fire escape of the Nokia Dome on Hollywood and Highland.

He tears through the hallways. The stage door is feet away. Salvation.

He pulls the door open, stardom just on the other side.

SIMON COWELL stands in the doorway. Menace on his face. He raises a gun.

Bullets fly into DAVID ARCHULETA.

DAVID ARCHULETA: Ahhhh!

His death cry is beautiful, but a little pitchy, dawg!

SIMON stands over his tiny body.

DAVID ARCHULETA: Imagine there’s no heaven. It’s easy if you try…

DAVID ARCHULETA dies.

CUT TO:

DAVID COOK watching the grisly scene on a monitor back stage. He can’t believe what he sees.

DAVID COOK: It’s not possible. I didn’t think I had the votes. I’m a word nerd! I wasn’t supposed to actually win.

He cries. Does not look smug for once.

CUT TO:

SIMON watching DAVID ARCHULETA convulse.

SIMON: Goodbye, Mr. Archuleta. Hello, David Cook, millions of records sold and a musical Empire at my feet. Muhahahahahahah!!!!

He rubs his nipples for a full hour.

FADE OUT

FADE IN

A cell phone ringtone blares.

EXT. HOLLYWOOD BLVD. – DAY

DAVID COOK talks into his BRAND NEW SPRINT PCS PHONE!! SPONSPORED BY COCA-COLA!!! Go FORD!

DAVID COOK: I know you record industry executives are out there. I can feel you now. You won’t stop text messaging me. I know that you are afraid. You’re afraid of the American Idol Winner Jinx. You’re afraid I’m not as marketable as Daughtry. I don’t know the future. I didn’t come to American Idol to tell you how my music career will end. I came to American Idol to tell you how it will begin. I’m going to hang up this phone, and then I’m going to show the American public what you don’t want them to see. I’m going to show them a world with a successful male American Idol winner. A world without Clay Aiken’s or Ruben Studdard’s. Without Bo Bice’s and Constantine Maroulis’. A world… where I sell five million copies of my debut album. Where we go from there, is a choice I leave to Simon Cowell.

DAVID COOK hangs up his cell phone.

His version of “Little Sparrow” begins playing on the soundtrack.

DAVID COOK gets into his brand new Ford Escape Hybrd 2 and drives off into the sunset.

THE END

Bangarang!

Welcome, one and all, to the two hour David Archuleta coronation special! Sub-titled “Don’t Worry, David Cook Will Be Just Fine”.

No time for the intro, let’s get straight to the live blog! (Updates roll down, so make sure to hit refresh and scroll)

8:00 – The Davids in white, Ryan in fau-hawk, all is right with the Idol World.

8:01 – Still haven’t gotten used to those credits. And by “used to those credits”, I of course mean “used to Taylor Hicks”. HATE!

8:02 – 96 million? Suck it, Presidential Race! Cook/McPhee in 2012!

8:02 – Really? Mikalah still? She didn’t have someone’s credit card to max out? Oy, the hate is starting eeeeearly tonight.

8:04 – Welcome Back, Top 12. We hardly missed you. Especially you, Michael Johns. Johns, Australian for Idol loser.

8:05 – Why are they all in white? Not a one of them is pure. The only one who is even heavenly at all is Jason Castro, and that’s only because he’s so high he can see Jeebus.

8:10 – David Cook singing Chad Kroeger is the fastest way on Earth to make me hate him. Sunlight doesn’t reach me faster than that hate.

8:12 – Thankfully, he looks ashamed for himself. But also, like he wants to write Nickelback 4Eva on his palm and pimp slap Camera 1.

8:13 – Is Archie even ALLOWED to see a PG-13 movie? Thankfully he was accompanied by someone over the age of 17.

8:14 – Whore, thy name is Mike Myers. Archuleta looks like he’s meeting Mickey Mouse for the first time.

8:15 – Oy.

8:18 – We almost just lost our national treasure!!!! Can we sue Mike Myers for near manslaughter? Or just jail him for being a crazy promo whore?

8:18 – Oh, how nice, Heidi Klum let Seal out of the bi-racial babymaking factory. She’s such a nice boss.

8:19 – Is something wrong with Syesha’s mic? Oh, no, nothing wrong, I just forgot she’s not very good. Nevermind. Moving on…

8:20 – She looks FANtastic, though. What a total pro. Too bad Seal is BLOWING her out of the Nokia Dome.

8:25 – Oh neat, it’s make fun of the pothead time. I like that they didn’t even TRY to give him a duet. Like he could keep a beat with another person. Also, dig that he’s singing the ONLY song he ever did well, way back in the semis. So awesome that an ambivalent burnout who peaked three months ago made it into the Top 3. Cause it’s not like there wasn’t other people who actually CARED to be on the show, ahem Carly Smithson. Effing Jason Castro!

8:28 – Things the world cares less about then the Ford commercial: Behind the scenes outtakes of the Ford commercials. NEXT!

8:29 – Aww, they gave the Davids cars. So in three years when Arch gets his learner’s permit he can take the thing out for a swing.

8:30 – Love how fierce Carly looks. Giving out death eye stares. She is working this song out. Meanwhile, Amanda smoked an entire pack of Marlboro Reds during that performance.

8:31 – Pack of Twinkie’s, table for one, under the name Malubay. First name is Ramiele.

8:33 – Alright, who gave Seacrest a Red Bull? You KNOW he turns into a spastic Gremlin when you give him sugar past 3pm. Bad Idol staff, bad!

8:35 – Oh, there you are, Syesha!!! Man alive she looks happy to be up there with Donna. Good for her. Everytime I think I don’t like her, I remember she’s kind of awesome.

8:41 – One of the things I love most about this season was the complete lack of outcry at Michael Johns’ surprise ouster. Like the entire viewing audience realized at the exact same time how much of a tool munch he was, and collectively decided to do something about it. Well done, USA!

8:43 – Kimmel attacking Sanjaya. FRESH!

8:43 – Ryan is metro jokes? Where is he getting his material, 2003?

8:45 – Oooh, a montage of Simon’s utter awesomeness. Fun!

8:46 – Ah, David H. got time off the pole so he could come to the Finale! How sweet.

8:48 – Bryan Adams? So he’s grizzled. Like a pancake left on the griddle 30 seconds too long. Any chance he can sing the Robin Hood song? Is he good for anything else?

8:53 – If there was any question that David Cook will have a long, successful career, please look at Example A of his awesomeness: the ZZ Top performance. On key, sounding great, dancing (!), giving off rock star glow. Like if he grew his beard a bit more he could be part of the band. Slightly off topic, how much would I pay to hear him sing the ZZ Top song from Back to the Future 3? That number has yet to be conjured by mathematicians.

9:00 – Brooke White and her witch hands performing with Graham Nash. Thanks for the five minute nap break, Idol!

9:03 – David Cook as Tom Cruise is scary. In twenty years, will Cook be banging Suri and believing in dead sci-fi writers? Yeesh, who will Archie be dating? A sunflower?

9:07 – This is either the Jonas Bros or the lost Archuleta brothers? Wait, it’s the Jonas Bros? Time for a pad thai break!

9:09 – Look at the Grammy with her purse! Totes adores.

9:10 – Shite contestants montage. I’m going for actressing!

9:12 – The show was doing so well not being about humiliation. And then… you are my brother. Eff you Idol, I’m going for channel-changing!

9:18 – What does OneRepublic have to do with Idol? And is anyone else confused that we’re listening to this song but we’re not seeing a slow motion montage of the Gossip Girls cast look wistfully into the middle distance?

9:20 – Um, the producers knew Arch has no falsetto when they dreamed this number up, right? Just curious…

9:22 – The “biggest party in Utah” is like saying the “biggest Flat-Iron in Ryan’s bathroom”. Which is to say, that don’t mean shit.

9:23 – Aw, who put that nice ogre in gold tinfoil?

9:24 – Can you believe we gave her the title last year? Blake must be punching walls, on the daily tip.

9:25 – Look at those ginormous calves. She could field goal Ramiele into Nevada with those calves.

9:26 – Aw, look at Blake, singing along, giving support. SUCH a cool dude!

9:31 – RoDoJu!!!!!!!

9:32 – Can we make him American Idol? He’s only the coolest person on the face of the universe!

9:33 – Um, we get it! Move on.

9:35 – Am I supposed to be seeing that much of Carrie’s crotch? is that legal? Woof, she looks good. Syesha is bacne compared to the Underwood hotness.

9:36 – Why Idol didn’t just shut down and call it a day after they crowned Carrie, is beyond me. Do they really think they’re gonna find a specimen of music better than her? That’s just foolishness.

9:41 – Oh nice, a pedophilia commercial. Does Arch even know what he was parodying?

9:45 – I think Overmyer is drunk. And I think Brooke has no idea what this song is about. She just hears “Faith” and her broom starts levitating.

9:47 – How much do I love that they have the Top 12 singing George Michael songs. Think David Hernandez thinks he’s back at work?

9:48 – Man, Chikezie got the shaft this year. He was so awesome. Again, effing Jason Castro.

9:49 – This show just turned into the Gayest thing that ever Gayed. Ryan must be floating right now. You couldn’t pull his smile off with pliers.

9:53 – I know I say this every year, but seriously, why are we wasting the last 15 minutes of the entire season listening to some washed up singer? Last year it was Bette Midler, now it’s George Michael. What gives? Does he have any connection to American Idol? In what world is he relevant to the audience of this show. Definition of inexplicable, this.

9:59 – Ooh, final Randy Jackson useless comment of the year. Always a touchingly useless moment.

10:00 – Simon is apologizing now? Guess he saved it up for the final episode. He just blew his nice budget for the season.

10:01 – Here we go, the result…

10:02 – DAVID COOK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111

10:03 – Holy shitballs!!!!!!

10:03 – How did we get it right? AMERICA, FUCK YEAH!

10:04 – Congratulations, David Cook. You started off a geeky, vest-wearing melon head who provided us only with bad crossword puzzle video clips and totes smug facial expressions and evolved into a awesomely cropped, stubble rocking, bad ass who nailed every challenge, rose above bad material, and was humble in victory. You deserve this prize. And I am SO glad I was wrong. So glad that I underestimated this show’s fans.

10:04 – Congratulations to Archuleta. Despite you being a hollow vaccuum of nothing, you have a beautiful voice and you were a tremendously sweet kid. I wish you the best. I hope you survive the night.

10:05 – Thank you all for following my coverage of American Idol Season Seven. I can say this now: it was all worth it. We got it right. We got David Cook. Thank Jeebus.

10:06 – And by “Jeebus”, I of course mean “Simon Cowell”.

See you next season!

Bangarang!

Lame gimmicky Idol introductions, bad original songwriting and Simon in a collared shirt open to his smelly Euro-happy trail? Yep, must be season finale time!

I’ve been ruminating on the Battle of the Davids all week, with each looking like the clear-cut winner at various times. Cook is fraking amazing, but Archuleta has the voice and fan support. This is easily the most difficult Top 2 to pick in Idol History. There was an obvious winner each season, save the fifth, when the country went temporarily insane and picked a 50 year old with seizure problems over the insane hottie with the silky voice and gams for weeks. But this season? I mean, OBVIOUSLY David Cook is a better performer and the more dynamic pop Idol, but Archuleta has a rabid fan base that has never let him down, even when he forgets words, is screechy and/or sings freakin’ Sweet Caroline. So can Cook really beat him?

We’re going to switch up the grading this week, because there’s really no point in judging their performances from last night. As much as Simon wants to call the night for Archuleta, I thought it was pretty even. Cook was solid on U2 and Arch was sort of comatose on Elton John. Neither of them did well on the original song performance, as the songs themselves sucked red hot Malakar balls. I mean, really, we can’t shill out for some Diane Warren action? Hell, even the chick from Coyote Ugly would have done a better job. And we would have had cool bar dancing. Cook could have served the drinks! Archuleta would have had some juice in a sippy cup. What a grand time for all!

Even though Cook tanked (TANKED!) the Collective Soul song, I wasn’t wowed by Archuleta’s “Imagine” sequel, either. But Cook at least gets points for trying something new, and acknowledging that redoing a performance is lame and vote-pleading (and thereby undercutting Archuleta. Who brought the dick? Cook brought the dick!). Arch’s Imagine redo paled in comparison to his original, but more importantly, by choosing to sing it again, Archuleta was basically admitting he peaked 14 weeks ago and stayed one-note the ENTIRE season! However, the finale always gets casual viewers, and they won’t remember that he sang it 654% better back in February, and hasn’t sounded any better since then.

Then again, Dial Idol has Cook beating Archuleta by a mile, despite the entire hour being an Archuleta slob knob fest.

Really guys, I’m stumped. Both of them are legit. So how do we decide? Well, I have a plan… American Idol winners are generally graded on five important components:

1. Who will the better representative of the show?
2. Who will better represent the legacy of the show?
3. Who will better affect the talent pool for future seasons?
4. Who will put out the more successful debut album?
5. Who fits into the marketplace better?

Let’s take a closer look at these questions, one by one, and see if we can suss out the rightful American Idol.

Who will be the better representative of the show?

David Cook is eloquent, charismatic and witty. He can form words into real sentences and create a camaraderie with whomever he’s speaking to. David Archuleta can say “gosh” about as sincerely as it’s ever been said. Beyond that, I’d rather listen to President Bush speak extemporaneously about Iraq than listen to Archuleta try to explain his feelings.

Winner: David Cook

Who will better represent the legacy of the show?

When all is said and done, American Idol is supposed to be about finding the great new voice in pop music. David Archuleta has that voice. Again, yes, OBVIOUSLY, David Cook is more fun to listen to, and can do amazing things with the right arrangement. But from a strict powerhouse vocal standpoint, Archuleta is without peer. It’s the difference between listening to Josh Groban and Justin Timberlake. Timberlake will get you moving, will get you hot, but that’s the music, Groban will get you crying, and that’s the voice, the whole point. And since the show has shown it’s not in the business of finding pop stars (or else Kat McPhee, Daughtry and Blake would all be winners), much as Simon would like to believe; Idol has no interest in David Cook.

Though I hasten to point out that from a human interest standpoint, Cook wins in a walk. A nobody bartender getting his one shot at fame and fortune is a helluva lot more interesting then a pipsqueaked 17 year-old who has been training to be a pop Idol since he was in diapers. And has a scary stage Dad.

Winner: David Archuleta

Who will better affect the talent pool for future seasons?

Well, gosh, let me see who I’d rather watch… fifty ultra-soulful robots who can expertly sing ballads but have no souls, or fifty kick ass rockers who have real musicology and can blow down on Mariah, Lionel Ritchie, and Michael Jackson? Put another way, I’ll take smug faces and douche-y writing on palms over excessive lip licking and stomach holding, especially when “Always Be My Baby” is the result. Gotta pick your annoyances.

Winner: David Cook

Who will put out the more successful debut album?

Cook will put out the better album, but again, Josh Groban outsells Justin Timberlake by leaps and bounds. And Archuleta appeals to the tween set, who actually pay for CD’s. To the tweens, Cook is like the older brother in college you think is cool, but don’t want to worship because you have insecure younger brother issues. And one time he ripped your stuffed animal. Archuleta gets the Adult Contemporary crowd, the tweens, the obnoxious girls in pink and the Gays (he’s GCWOK approved, just like Ted’s violent red boots). Cook gets people in their late 20′s and early 30′s who fondly remember inoffensive rock from the 1990′s (miss you, Third Eye Blind!), but who don’t have the time to go to Best Buy. Best guess for each: Archuleta sells 2 million copies, Cook sells 900k.

Winner: David Archuleta

Who fits better into the marketplace?

There are a glut of good solo male acts: Justin, Gavin DeGraw, Rob Thomas, Beck, Cary Brothers, Citizen Cope, Damien Rice, James’ Blunt and Morrison, Paolo Nutini, Ray LaMontagne, Pink. Hell, even Daughtry (which is not a fair comparison to Cook, as Cook is a rock cipher, while Daughtry pinned himself to the Fuel crowd at Jump Street and was thus more easily identifiable as a commodity). Is David Cook good enough to stand with those guys or even push a few down? Does he seem so awesome because the Idol talent pool was so shallow this season? I tend to think he’s great, but not as great as we all think. He’ll need a TREmendous first single to have any market retention.

David Archuleta doesn’t really fit anywhere. He won’t make a cheesy pop album, because his voice isn’t tailored for that. He doesn’t have the training to run with Groban or Damien Rice, so the soulful set is out the window. Rap isn’t an option (but would be AMAZING to listen to). And I’m not sure he even knows what country music is. Also, what radio stations will play his music? The rock ones? The easy listening ones? The God ones? Probably the last one. And America has no time, or love, for God music. Just ask King of all Christian Singer Douchebags, Mr. Scott “Fattie Douchebag” Stapp.

Neither one has any hope for long-term success. And if you think I’m wrong, tell me, how did Bo Bice and Elliot Yamin’s post-Idol lives go?

Winner: Push

Tallying up the scores, I see we’re tied. Dammit! I told you this race was close. It can go either way. But if I’ve learned one thing this season it’s that in an elimination situation like this one must defer to American Idol logic. You can’t just vote who your favorite, you have to choose the person that American Idol voters will support. And American Idol voters are inherently stupid and narrow-minded.

So it comes down to this:

Should win: David Cook

Will win: David Archuleta

Will lose: the audience, the viewers, the world, The Jay’s patience with his favorite show.

Bangarang!