American Idol: Season Seven

Before we get to Mariah(‘s flotation device boobage) Night, allow me a few thoughts on the (not) shocking Michael Johns ouster from last week. Ahem… THAT’S WHAT HE GETS FOR IGNORING MY ADVICE! Fool thought he could just wear that cravat all willy nilly and not face any consequences? There are always consequences! (I feel like Sam Jackson in Jumper right now, yelling at the idiot Hayden Christensen for not knowing the obvious rules of the world. )

Who was really that surprised by his elimination? Sure he had never been in the Bottom Three before, but that’s only cause other people deserved it more up till that point. Who was his fanbase, really? The young girls want Archuleta, the college kids like Castro, the women like Carly, the hippie’s love Brooke, the blacks love Syesha, the Midwest pulls for KLC and every smart person left is all about David Cook, so who was voting for Michael Johns? He was NEVER going to win American Idol. Not because he’s Australian, but because he sucked. In the words of Lt. Jonathan James Kendrick, Johns was eliminated because he had no honor (or fashion sense), and Simon Cowell was watching.

Now, on to tonight…

I loved Idol meta-referencing the fact that they’ve spent six years yelling at every female singer for even tip-toeing on the Mariah Carey line and then went ahead and had a Mariah Carey night and blatantly told the females not to go near the Mariah Carey line. It’s no wonder the guys did so well. The overall failure of the girls was INEVITABLE. And the guys still remaining in the competition are tailor-made to sing her songs. David Archuleta probably had his first wet dream the night he heard Mariah was coming on the show.

One history-making performance, one return to greatness performance, one surprise quality performance, one “she was robbed” performance and one near nervous breakdown performance. All that AND the insane train wreck insanity that is the insane train wreck named Mariah Carey? Can’t ask for too much more. Read on to find out who belongs to each of the performance types I listed above and as always, to my picks for the Bottom Three and the axe.

As I do every elimination week, I recap the performances and grade the singers on a sliding scale of how much I wanted to, or did, TiVo-bloop through the song. At the end of each recap I’ll make my pick for who should (and hopefully will) get the axe on the mind-numbingly long results show. Let’s start the blooping!

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TRIPLE BLOOP

Jason Castro – Whooooooooooooooo cares! Coming directly after an all-time David Cook performance ANYONE was gonna be lame, but Castro did himself no favors by Sting-ing his way through a soft rock ballad that even Jack Johnson would have been bored by (and on that note, Hackysack!). If he had sang that at auditions, Hollywood Week, Semi’s or any of the first three performance weeks he’d have been bounced out on his dreadlocked ass. Jason should give Brooke some of his weed to calm her down, and Brooke should give him some of her energy through osmosis to liven up the Castro beat. Trust me, everyone would come out a winner. Too bad Brooke is going home and Jason isn’t long for the stage after the two David’s just locked up the finals.

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DOUBLE BLOOP

Brooke White – Why will no one let Brooke take a nap? Girl was shaking while she sang. During the judging she was biting her lip like a nutso Kristen Wiig sketch. I feel like she could break into a million pieces and no one would be surprised. I have moved from hating her to feeling sorry for her in under a month. Unbelievable! Even though I’ve come around on Brooke, it might be time to send her home. She was ahead of the beat the entire song, which would be OK, except for the fact that it was HER beat. A jittery, unsure performance; something KLC would have dropped on us in the Semi-finals. When did she lose her confidence? What happened to the fearless Brooke who sang “Love is a Battlefield” under the spotlight and wowed the world (except me)? Gimme that obnoxious hippie back!

Syesha Mercado – Great hair, nice outfit, solid rack, bold song choice, impressive run on the big note, technically beautiful performance and ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

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SINGLE BLOOP

David Archuleta – How can I hate on the Arch for singing the soundtrack song to The Prince of Egypt, a movie ABOUT Passover, (shout out to Val Kilmer as Moses. He’ll be your Baruch-berry.) during the week OF Passover. That’s some sly KLC-style strategerie of him (but in a totally non-obnoxious vote-grabby way). It was cool to hear him go into different ranges – the falsetto was a touch scary, though – and I especially liked the return of the big note ramp-up, where the word gets held up on his tongue and he has to rev up his mouth to get it out, like one of those wind up McDonald’s Happy Meal racer toys. I’ve been down on David for a few weeks now, but this was a nice reminder of why I became such a big fan in the first place. And on one final note, because he rocked it Jew-styles tonight I’m going to refrain from commenting on his disNASTY leather pants, except to say this: David : Leather Pants :: Michael Johns : Cravat

Carly Smithson – Can we talk for a minute about how Mariah knows Carly from back in the day and is a fan of her voice (there is actual documentation on this), so Idol trying to play it off like they just met is a bunch of bullshit? Cause it is. That being said, Carly blew the damn doors off that song. She sang the shit, the hell and the god damn outta that joint. I don’t what was up the judges ass, cause she was effin’ brills. Were they overcompensating so it didn’t look like Carly was such a plant? Her big voice finally found a complimentary big song; she did not deserve the bludgeoning she got tonight. And it may get her knocked off, which would be a shame. A singing competition where KLC lasts longer than Carly Smithson is a plain travesty.

Kristy Lee Cook – Either she’s tricking us into thinking she’s getting better, or she’s the Keyser Soze of American Idol. I see Ryan calling her name instead of David, the entire universe going apeshit like Truman just escaped Seahaven, and during her sing out her deuce stance mysteriously goes away, the eye twitches stop, she lights a cigarette with her left hand and then belts out a ballad so mighty it makes Aretha Franklin crap her diapers. She’ll be the nightmare story stage parents tell their precocious teens. Cause seriously, KLC wasn’t bad tonight. She might even have been pretty good. I am shocked. SHOCKED! Is this me rooting for her to stay in?

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NO BLOOPS EVER!!!!

David Cook – DAVID MOTHERFUCKING COOK! Just WON the season right there! Seriously, for my money the best performance of ANY Idol this ENTIRE season. A GREAT version of that song. I WILL download it. Whoo DAMN I can’t stop using caps! And he cried! It might have even gotten a bit dusty in The 209, I’m not ashamed to admit. Even Mariah was in love; did you notice David was the only person she JOINED in with, as opposed to Jason Castro, whom she corrected? I’ve watched that performance three times now, and it just keeps getting better. It lingers on. It’s him, Blake, Carrie and Kelly as the best four Idols of all time. Yeah. That. Just. Happened.

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The Bottom Three: Brooke White, Kristy Lee Cook, Syesha Mercado

My prediction for who gets the axe: Brooke White

Bangarang!

I have a passionate dislike for Idol Gives Back Week. My thoughts on the charity special are well-documented (you can read them HERE), so I’m not gonna go on a rant about the jarring transition that is Simon crying over starving African children put next to a montage of B-list actors lip-synching to “Stayin Alive”. I’m just not going to do it. Instead I’ll tell you why the performance night before IGB is a terrible idea.

1. The Idols are over-worked and put in lackluster performances. David was practically comatose during his judgment round-up, Brooke was shaking like a child left up past her bedtime and David Cook looked like he was in dire need of an IV drip.

2. “Inspirational Song” Week is a touch too much schmaltz. We get it, this week is not about commerce and Coca Cola (except, yeah, still is), but do we need two straight nights of begging? Couldn’t we have a wee bit of fun?

3. Hell, why even HAVE a performance night this week? Why not just air the Idol Gives Back show and that’s it? The Idols get to rest up and not think about getting kicked off, and the audience doesn’t get overloaded on the show. I gotta sit through five hours of Idol this week just to see Syesha get the boot. That’s way too much.

4. The theme turns the performance night into Bizarro Idol. The heavy-hitters all take the night off, and as a result the crap contestants seem awesome by comparison. DialIdol.com has Cook and Carly as their Bottom 2 and KLC in the Top 3! Does this make sense to anyone? Would this result have come during any other week when the show doesn’t need their superstars to shine bright on their all-important benefit show? I say no.

I’m just gonna get through the blooping so I can start preparing to hold down my vomit for the three hour benefit bullshit tonight. But I swear, if I have to sit through another green screen celebrity karaoke montage I swear to jeebus I will Triple Bloop David Archuleta for the rest of the season on general principle. Yeah, that’s right!

As I do every elimination week, I recap the performances and grade the singers on a sliding scale of how much I wanted to, or did, TiVo-bloop through the song. At the end of each recap I’ll make my pick for who should (and hopefully will) get the axe on the mind-numbingly long results show. Let’s start the blooping!

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TRIPLE BLOOP

Michael Johns – What? Did I say? About? THE NECKERCHIEFS??? Is he trying to get me to put a “he should only get CANCER” Jewdoo curse on him? Why would he so blatantly disregard my sound advice, in order to look like an idiot for a second week in a row? I just don’t get it! And using the neckerchief in the service of spitting on THE BEST Aerosmith song of all time? Seriously, he should only get CANCER!be raked over the coals the same way any female singer is when they tackle Whitney, Mariah or Celine. The only reason he isn’t getting an unprecedented Quadruple Bloop this week is that his song choice allows me to link to the best sports montage of all time, set to Aerosmith’s “Dream On”. I get chills just THINKING of this video. Please enjoy the only positive thing to come out of Michael Johns’ performance this week:

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DOUBLE BLOOP

Carly Smithson – Here’s an idea: on the night before Idol Gives Back, when you’re supposed to sing something inspirational, maybe don’t be the only contestant to pick a depressing song. And be distracted while you do it. Yeah, I don’t know, might help. Glad to hear Simon apologize for going after Carly’s body last week (girl looked effin FAB this week), not glad to listen to such a dissonant performance. Was almost as inexplicable a song choice as Syesha. At this stage of the game, when the chum has been cast aside, what keeps the Idols alive week-to-week is choosing recognizable songs. Brooke was sub-par, but she’ll be fine because EVERYBODY knows that Carol King song. Does anyone in the world know what Carly sang? If she ends up getting kicked off this week (Bottom Three is a lock) that will be the reason.

Syesha Mercado - She violated two major Idol rules. 1. NEVER sing a song by an Idol winner, ESPECIALLY the one she sang WHEN SHE WON the show! 2. And if you do, DO NOT complain about getting compared to that performance. There was a 0.1% chance she comes off looking better than Fantasia. The judges LOVE Fantasia. Love her; probably more than Whitney. So if Syesha barely survived aping the all-time Whitney song last week, why in the world would she go after, not just the all-time Fantasia song, but the all-time Idol Winner song? Completely inexplicable! Regardless of her sounding technically perfect, she’s still going home this week. I admire her courage, shake my head at her ignorance, and look forward to the five minutes next week I won’t be bored out of my mind cause she’s not performing.

Brooke White – I have it in me to be mean to Brooke this week, but I’m not going to be, because I could plainly see that that performance was not her fault. Brooke is a sensitive girl. She’s such an empath Peter Petrelli loses HIS powers around her. So I can imagine how tough it must have been prepping for Idol Gives Back (a Brooke White weepy event par excellence) AND having to choose an Inspirational song to perform. It’s asking too much of such a kind (read: weak) soul. If Simon had said one mean thing at all, she might have disintegrated on stage. Ryan would have been dusting her off his platform Jimmy Choo’s. Thankfully, she sang a beloved song with just enough oomph so as to keep her safe. But next week, when the charity work is complete, my gloves are coming off. She goes near any more iconic flower power female vocalists and I’m gonna be like Drago at the Creed exhibition, “if she dies, she dies”.

David Cook – A little bit beggin. Just a little bit. I wouldn’t have written on my hand, I tend to think that’s a move done by someone who knows their performance was going to be less than, and is trying to shill for votes (with the added nechiness of writing “Give Back” the night before the Idol Gives Back show, like, hey guy, no ulterior motive there, huh?), but that’s just me. He also picked an unrecognizable song, mush-mouthed the opener, got overtaken by the back up singers during the chorus and walked into the crowd like a smug Constantine-wannabe. Was it me, or did he just seem… tired? Like he knew he was gonna be safe no matter what, so he took the week off? That has to be the explanation for the reprehensible white jacket, right? Anybody? Bueller?

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SINGLE BLOOP

Kristy Lee Cook – I firmly believe that when a perennial suckball does well, they should be rewarded. So to that end, congratulations Kristy, you did quite well. Picked the right song, sang it with confidence and you sang it well; for the third week in a row you did exactly what you need to stay in the race. There you go. Don’t say I never said anything nice about KLC. This will be the first week that she takes the seat of a truly superior performer, but the first time I thought she might deserve to stay. Still hate the face, still hate the pop-a-squat stance and still HATE HATE HATE her predilection for tacky, sparkly tops and uber-perm hair, but I’m happy to give credit where credit is due.

David Archuleta – Was there any doubt he was gonna pwn this week? Inspirational Song Week for David is like Ape A Rock Star Week for David Cook or Lilith Fair Week for Brooke White (or Drop A Duece Week for KLC). And how smart was Archie to pick a British pop song, knowing full well that Simon would be pre-disposed to loving it? I still think he’s coasting a bit too lazily, and am still braced for the inevitable Top 3 surprise ouster, but for this week, I was happy to sit back and be covered in pop schmaltz, once again, by The Arch.

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NO BLOOPS EVER!!!!

Jason Castro – The apex, the nirvana, the height of Castro-dom. Sounded so nice it would put a colicky baby to sleep in a duece. Is he the best singer in the Top 8? No. Is he performing the most difficult songs? No. Will he go far in this competition because he knows his place so well? God, yes! This is the first time since “Hallelujah” that I didn’t think he was busking on the Venice Beach pier. Israel Kamakawiwo’s version of “Somewhere Over The Rainbow” is a seriously beautiful song. Jason Castro did it fine justice. I hope the spotlight on the Israel version bring some love to Meet Joe Black, the movie it was first used in. An underrated, beautiful film, with a brilliant score, an effervescent Claire Forlani perf, and a coffee shop meet cute that stands as one of my five favorite scenes in motion picture history. True story.

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The Bottom Three: Carly Smithson, Syesha Mercado, David Cook

My prediction for who gets the axe: Syesha Mercado

Bangarang!

David, because you’re the the heir to the Daughtry Rock crown, the only season seven Idol consistently blowing our hard tasty minds 24/7 washerboard-style, you finally cut your disgusting mange, you’re the odds on favorite to crush the hearts of every Archuleta-lovin fourteen year-old girl and win American Idol, AND I actually like you, I’m taking it upon myself to warn you of a potential future that would be in your best interest to avoid. I can’t say whether you will able to dodge this fate, but my hope, and the hopes of all your fans, is that you heed this vision and do what must be done to ensure it never comes to be.

David Cook, don’t let this happen to you:

Consider yourself warned.

Bangarang!

Only one thing was made certain in this week’s performance night of American Idol: if the show ever gets canceled, Ryan Seacrest has a career in speed-reading, waiting for him. He could be the next micro-machines guy! I was flat out amazed how fast he was getting those numbers out, and horrified out how easily he dismissed the Idols. “Oh, Carly, did Simon just cross the line and call you ugly, fantastic, hereareCarly’snumbers1866IDOLS09don’tforgetthat’satollcallokgreatthankyouCarlyupnextisDavidARCHULETA!Batteriesnotincluded.” As overly-long as I feel the show usually is, I do believe it takes an amount of time to get through everything the audience wants to see, and those parts should not be rushed.

Where is the logic in extending the Wednesday night results show, ostensibly only ten minutes of interesting entertainment spread out over a full hour, and condensing the performance night into 67 minutes, when they need 80, at least? Nine singers left and they only get ninety seconds to perform? How does that math work? Forty-nine minute episode, not counting commercials, gives you three minutes per judging for a total of twenty-seven minutes of non-performance time. Why don’t they cut the lame video packages and give the Idols another 35 seconds each? It would have let Syesha stick to the Dolly version of “I Will Always Love You”, and given me another 35 seconds to ignore Kristy Lee Cook (a country singer worthless on Country NIGHT!). So there are some distinct advantages to making Ryan simma down na!

And besides, what were they rushing for, Hell’s Kitchen? Hey, Fox Executives, we’re here to watch the angry Brit that hates pop music, not the one who thinks the steak is too pink. Get a clue.

As I do every elimination week, I recap the performances and grade the singers on a sliding scale of how much I wanted to, or did, TiVo-bloop through the song. At the end of each recap I’ll make my pick for who should (and hopefully will) get the axe on the mind-numbingly long results show. Let’s start the blooping!

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TRIPLE BLOOP

Ramiele Malubay - As much as I love the cuteness, girl has got to go. She plays not to lose, which I abhor. At least with Kristy you know she’s trying, talent be damned. Ramiele never once looks like she wants to stomp on another contestant’s throat, which is necessary on a FOX Reality show. Carly would rip out Archuleta’s eyeballs if it meant staying another week. I wouldn’t put it past Ramiele to spend her downtime baking David Cook oatmeal cookies. You have to play to win the game! Ramiele plays to get her hair done. She lacks a star voice and star charisma; the stage literally swallows her up. She should take a cue from Brooke and surround herself with the band, it would make her seem bigger, and probably get her on the beat, which was her main problem last night.

Kristy Lee Cook - I’m not sure how exactly you go about bombing on Country Night when all you ARE is a Country singer, but after last week’s patriotic “I can’t believe she went THERE” begging, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised by anything Captain Stage Deuce does. She was terrible, but for once I thought she looked pretty good, so she has that going for her, which is nice. I particularly liked her telling Dolly she’d rather impress her, than her mother. Way to score some gross brownie points in front of the living legend (who could really care less)! Hope it’s still worth it when your mother disowns your twitchy ass for embarrassing the family on national TV by sucking so hardcore. Maybe your horse can be your new mommy.

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DOUBLE BLOOP

Michael Johns - I can not take anyone seriously when they are wearing a neckerchief. Sorry, can’t do it. I actually thought he sounded great, really killed the last measure, but he loses a full bloop for the neckerchief. The only man who can rock one of those is Steven Tyler, and even then it’s only acceptable when Alicia Silverstone is involved (and giving Steven Dorff the finger). If Johns ever just quit the front man bullshit, especially the hand waving and the questionable dressing, I might actually like him. But I doubt that’s happening any time soon.

Jason Castro - This is about where I start to get bored of Jason Castro. I’m seeing new levels to mostly all the Idols, but with Jason the only addition he’s made is even uglier big note singing faces. I think he peaked with “Hallelujah” and has been down sliding ever since. Doing the French bit on Beatles night saved him then, as did singing an immensely popular Sting song last week. But I didn’t see anything this week that I hadn’t seen before, or that stood out enough to keep him from the Bottom 3. But none of that matters, because he’s safe for at least this week. As my roommate put it, “he’s getting postcards, Jay. Postcards!” Postcards.

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SINGLE BLOOP

Brooke White - I have to give it up to Brooke this week, she sounded great, looked great, chose the song I didn’t expect her to (Islands in the Stream was practically a gift wrap), and did the one thing I’ve been wanting her to do since she came into my life: take her criticism and shut her yapper. When she let Randy finish his thought and then said “thank you”, I almost plotzed. I literally dropped the dish I was holding. We had to pause the show so I could pick up the broken pieces. Her etiquette cost me a $1.49 plate from Target, but was well worth it. If she keeps bringing the polite, I may start rooting for her.

Carly Smithson - My roommate, who was totally on point with the observations this week, brought up a fascinating point about Carly, which may go a long way to figuring out why she’s such a divisive performer. She noticed that for Carly it’s all about the music, and never the words. She tries so hard to SOUND perfect – which she completely pulled off, girl sounded great – but you never get the sense that she’s paying attention to what she’s saying. The first line of her song was about getting dumped and she was smiling as she sang it. This is the complete opposite of Archuleta, who is a Peter Petrelli song lyric-empath. If he ever sang Christina Aguilera’s “Beautiful” he’d be in danger of drowning in his own tears.

David Archuleta - Speaking of the emotive one, I watched his performance twice and this is all I have to say about it: SSDD. Boy better flip the script and I mean right quick, because Cook just passed him and Brooke is breathing down his tiny neck. Not to mention Carly, who’s coming at him with a butcher knife and a look of sheer desperation (the kind David has when he looks into the crowd and sees his baseball-capped Stage Dad glaring at him. Run, David, Run!).

Syesha Mercado - I promised to write about her when she did something interesting, and she finally did. Everything Simon said about her performance was right on. I was skeptical of the African American woman singing the quintessential Whitney song, an Idol no no if there ever was one, but had to give it up to Syesha for having the stones to go there. She made the right decision to pull a Pfeiffer in Baker Boys and straddle the piano, standing alone on the stage would have been a death knell. The stage production helped, too, with the mega diva light change on the powerhouse note. And that last note? Whew, nailed it. As far as technique is concerned, she probably has the second best voice this season after Carly.

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NO BLOOPS EVER!!!!

David Cook - He didn’t sound his best, didn’t perform with the best energy, and didn’t perform all that interesting a song. BUT… he finally cut his frakkin’ hair, and for that he earns my ever-lasting praise (and a No Bloop). This was the first time I saw him as a legit superstar. Who knew seeing a dude’s forehead could be so vital? But with the emergence of the new hair, owning up to stealing arrangements in his sit-down interview and performing his OWN (quality) arrangement last night, I am prepared to name him the odds on favorite to smite the all-powerful Archuleta and claim his throne as the next American Idol. Yeah, that happened.

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The Bottom Three: Ramiele Malubay, Kristy Lee Cook, Jason Castro

My prediction for who gets the axe: Ramiele Malubay

Bangarang!

The first episode of Idol that actually felt like a real American Idol episode since Top 4 week of LAST SEASON. Well-produced, expertly paced, recognizable music, solid performances, cute video packages, a minimal amount of Ryan/Simon bitchiness, a maximum of amount of Paula Abdul train wreckiness, and a overall sense of good times. The Idol wannabes seemed relieved to be away from the Beatles fortnight, picking songs they’ve sung a billion times before in their bedrooms (you know Carly has Total Eclipsed it twice a week, every week, for two solid decades). The favorites were great, the Bottom Three was obvious and did I mention Carly Smithson sang Total Eclipse of the Heart? Cause she did. And it was brillz, kids. Brillz!

Apologies to Ryan Seacrest, but THAT was American Idol!

As I do every elimination week, I recap the performances and grade the singers on a sliding scale of how much I wanted to, or did, TiVo-bloop through the song. At the end of each recap I’ll make my pick for who should (and hopefully will) get the axe on the mind-numbingly long results show. Let’s start the blooping!

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TRIPLE BLOOP

Ramiele Malubay – One of the unspoken rules of American Idol is never perform a song that a previous Idol winner kicked ass on. Carrie Underwood WON her season because of her Heart “Alone” performance. Don’t believe me, peep the video below. That happened. Ramiele was fine; had good tone and control despite her apparent illness. But she is NO Carrie Underwood. Carrie was a singing machine. A vocal terminator. You could blow Ramiele over with a snarky yawn. Girl needs to stand up straight, be emotionless and just sing; stop being there to make friends. Assuming she survives the week, of course, which I doubt she will. Oh, and the high-waisted shorts were utterly horrible and made her look even more elfish than normal. Shakira could have used her as an armrest in those shorts.

Kristy Lee Cook – Really? God Bless America, REALLY? Ugh! I hate that she played this week so brilliantly. Saying it was a great song choice doesn’t mean the judges thought she sang it well, but like Simon says, it was a clever choice. We’re not kicking the country singer off American Idol for singing “God Bless America”, no matter how pitchy she sounded (which was a lot). I personally wanted to deport her to Canada.

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DOUBLE BLOOP

Michael Johns – Screaming is NOT singing. Screaming is NOT singing. Screaming is NOT singing. Screaming is NOT singing. Screaming is NOT singing. Screaming is NOT singing. Screaming is NOT singing. Screaming is NOT singing. Screaming is NOT singing. Screaming is NOT singing. Screaming is NOT singing. Screaming is NOT singing. A worse gimmick than KLC slobbin’ America’s knob.

Jason Castro – First off, if you’re going to be a busking stoner doing 1987 Sting on national television and you don’t sing “Englishmen in New York”, dude, I don’t even wanna know you. That’s just wasted airtime. Castro was mumbly, slurry, sloppy on his strings, and seemed rushed throughout. The arrangement was a drag; the chorus was depressing and uninteresting. And he was making some seriously uggo singer faces. Totes distracting. The man NEEDS to cut down on his drug use. He’s less McConaughey now and more Jared Leto at the end of Requiem.

Syesha Mercado – I continue to be both impressed by her control and unimpressed by her utter lack of charisma. I made a vow not to write anything about her until she does something interesting. The vow will not be broken this week.

Brooke White – I’ll give her the mistake in the opener. Even I needed help starting my haftarah portion at my Bar Mitzvah. Notes don’t always come out the way we want in the beginning. But every thing else after that was not good. I’m not sure if she was in a lower register than normal, but I wasn’t a fan. She sounded kinda, I don’t know… mannish? The arrangement was stilted, the band did her no favors and the harmony was non-existent. When you make me miss the Puff Daddy version, you did something wrong. And I was really hoping that Diddy would come out and drop some Biggie love.

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SINGLE BLOOP

Carly Smithson – She’s younger than me? I thought she was 40! I really need to start moisturizing more often. I don’t know what was up Randy Jackson’s ass, calling this a bad song choice. Total Eclipse of the Heart is NEVER a bad song choice. Also, it’s the same time of song she sings EVERY week. And, hello, she rocked the hell out of it. There was dancing, singing and melodramatic arm movements in The 209. We clapped at the end. Un-ironically! I get what Simon was saying about her looking tense, but I feel like that’s more her style of performing. She’s not gonna grab a toke from Castro’s bong before the show, girl’s just a bit stiff. Her voice is fantastic, what does it matter how relaxed she is?

Chikezie – Brian McKnight-y, much? Dug the arrangement; Chikezie was smooth and had a nice sensual groove to his voice. And you know I dig the clothing style. I wasn’t blown away by the vocal or the performance, but he continues to be a stand out on what is quickly being revealed to be a sub-par season.

David Archuleta – What was going on up there? I mean, I loved it, but what the hell was happening? He sounded great; the runs were practically Archuleta-esque, he seemed to be having a ton of fun (loved the arm waggling), but seriously… what was that? If anyone else in the competition sang that song they’d get kicked off immediately just for confusing us. Archuleta gets a pass, though. I couldn’t believe it when I found out it was a John Farnham song. John Farnham! Composer of the Rad Soundtrack! I would pay my entire week’s salary – not an unimpressive sum, let me tell you – to hear David sing “Thunder in your Heart”.

David Cook – Randy Jackson needs to go eat some more pie, cause he’s useless with the judging. Cook is great, don’t get me wrong, but he is NOT the boldest contestant the show has ever seen. That would be Taylor Hicks (for thinking we’d buy him as 29, and for pulling it off). He’s not the most original contestant in Idol History. That would be Blake Lewis. Good God, it wasn’t even his arrangement! He just aped Chris Cornell. Hell, he basically imitated Chris Cornell. Nothing about this performance was original. Blake Lewis would have turned that, flipped it and reversed it and Paula would have broken her neck loving it so much. David is smart to pick recognizable songs, sing them like we remember them, and be good at doing it, but I refuse to buy the hype until I see him do ANYTHING that Daughtry, Blake and Bo Bice didn’t do before him.

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NO BLOOPS EVER!!!!

Nobody this week.

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The Bottom Three: Ramiele Malubay, Chikezie, Syesha Mercado

My prediction for who gets the axe: Ramiele Malubay (Damn, no, probably Chikezie. I just don’t want to believe it.)

Bangarang!

Too much of a good thing can be bad. Ain’t that the truth. Let’s make it a rule never to do sequels to American Idol theme nights. Last night was the Under Siege 2: Dark Territory of theme night sequels. All the contestants look fifty pounds heavier, the one-liners are stale as expired cereal and the all-star cast got replaced by a collection of amateur talent show winners. Just a horrid, disconnected, boring performance night. I blame Gary Busey.

At least David Archuleta got off the schnide.

I have nothing more to add about the night as a whole, because it’s not worth my bandwidth, but before we jump to the blooping, let me introduce the official new sponsor of this weekly post series:

As I do every elimination week, I recap the performances and grade the singers on a sliding scale of how much I wanted to, or did, TiVo-bloop through the song. At the end of each recap I’ll make my pick for who should (and hopefully will) get the axe on the mind-numbingly long results show. Let’s start the blooping!

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TRIPLE BLOOP

Kristy Lee Cook – Did she deuce on a wardrobe person? Did she slap Ryan Seacrest in the face (the only true mortal sin you can commit in Hollywood). Seriously, what did she do to deserve that hideous dress? It’s uglier than ugg boots. It’s like whoa! And combining the dress with the awful facial ticks and the horrible phrasing and the wondering around the stage like a drunken person and the bad eye makeup and forever akimbo stance and the not knowing a classic Beatles song? That’s a little something I like to call “yikes”.

Michael Johns – Is it me? Am I the only one who doesn’t get why he’s still around? I’d rather watch Hate Noriega than Michael Johns. At least the Hate was fun to write about (ish). But Aussie Johns? With the hand flailing through the air all the time as if independent of his body and the flaccid vocal strength and the stage scurrying and the elements that don’t add up to anything? How bout no, ok? He murdered that song. It’s lying in an alley right now and Dick Wolf is gearing up the Ching Ching. Give the guy something to pin his hand down, get him a voice coach that will point to his diaphragm and say “there, sing there”, and a really good music defense attorney and maybe I’ll rule a no contest on him next week.

Syesha Mercado – Singing the most recognizable song of the night does not excuse her from being boring again. Syesha is the same every week: controlled, satisfactory and lifeless. Even her hair was flat (yes, I’m aware that was the intent). She’s just the anti-charisma. She’s the margarine of charisma. She’s the Diet Coke of charisma. Just one calorie, not charismatic enough!

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DOUBLE BLOOP

Jason Castro – Have you ever seen a stoner try to speak a foreign language he doesn’t actually know? It’s not pretty. I liken it to Tommy Boy saying “roads” over and over till it lost all meaning. Castro gets points for ditching the guitar and trying to busk a romance beat, but he should probably reconsider the convention break. Also, he should wear a belt. Nobody tucks into tight pants without a belt, that shit is the anti-fierce.

Brooke White – Do you see now why I am of mixed feelings about her? Step her away from the ivory and she’s lost. She has no stage presence just standing there; her shag sucks out all the air in the room. Simon should bring in The Butterscotch Stallion to give her some pointers on using the shag for the powers of good. And what was with her interrupting the judges? Girl was getting mouthy up there. Just take your lumps and shut your yapper, Brooke, you’re keeping us from watching David Cook!

Chikezie – Still my secret favorite, if only cause he’s silently taking out contestants better suited to be the next American Idol than him. Ping, nailed Hernandez. Ping, down goes Syesha! He’d be well-advised to not try and duplicate past success, but instead to try something new and potentially cooler. He can’t keep splitting his songs into two completely different entities. This isn’t From Dusk Till Dawn. And the way Jason Castro should never get off the stool, Brooke off the piano and David Cook off the Hard Harry mic, Chikezie needs to BURN the harmonica. Nobody was ever cool playing the harmonica except for Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins, and besides, that’s a signature Taylor Hicks move. And Chikezie does NOT want to become the new President of the Soul Patrol.

Ramiele Malubay – Cute like Labrador retriever puppy, but boring as a bag of Orlando Bloom DVD’s. What has gone so horribly wrong with Ramiele? The video package amplified her persona as the girl that showed up to make friends, which is a huge mistake. Every week her package should be her working on her song at 3am in an empty studio, while the other, taller Idols get some sleep. It should be about this tiny girl unleashing her giant voice on an unsuspecting public. It should not be about how much she misses Danny Noriega. If she doesn’t shape up soon, she won’t have to worry about missing him, cause she’ll get the boot and have all the time in the world to pick out boots on Melrose with him.

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SINGLE BLOOP

David Cook – OK, the bad: never again with the Richie Sambora “It’s My Life” microphone antics. It’s not cute. And it’s especially not cute when you tell us you only learned to use it a day ago. Musical ineptitude gets you no cool points (besides, Blake did this gimmick better and was more fun to watch). Now, the good: boy is fuck-able. I’m man enough to admit that he’s the hotness. But more than that, he’s the only Idol putting up a show each week you might pay to see off air. The only Idol truly establishing a credible radio personality (I’m not hearing Jed the Fish intro the new Archuleta jam on the world famous K-R-O-Q, any time soon). And he plays the crowd better than anyone since Constantine. I’m even cool with the smug grin. Now if we can only get him to cut that fucking mangy rat mess…

Amanda Overmyer – Does she ever pay attention to where the cameras are? The producers need to break it down for her, because it’s odd to the nth that she never looks at the TV audience. David Cook practically impregnates couch-bound housewives and Rogue can barely be bothered to give us a cursory glance. The quirk makes her look bored and disconnected on stage. She sounded fine, and I actually thought she looked really good, but it’s distracting watching her so vehemently avoid us. Though the revelation of the week is that she’s sort of likeable when she’s not singing; the way she diffused Simon’s criticism without coming off petulant? It’s a rare Idol skill, one I’d love to see her put into use during her performances.

Carly Smithson – I think she sang that too fast. I’ve always remembered Blackbird being slower. She sang it fine, great control and perfectly on pitch, but the speed really threw me. And once I got passed the sped up arrangement I had a hard time looking past the fact that she looked like a tranny transvestite up there. Seriously, who is dressing these kids? It’s like Edith Head threw up and the throw up designed their outfits.

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NO BLOOPS EVER!!!!

David Archuleta – Redemption is the watchword. Course he picked a lay up song to get his, but that’s not important. What’s important is that he gained back some confidence and proved he can perform on the big stage. Worries still abound that he can’t bang out an up-tempo song (hell, he practically said as much on stage), but with the mosh pit skanks going Tom Cruise (as in: batshit crazy) over his runs it doesn’t much matter. One more solid performance like that and he’ll be nigh on unbeatable. David Cook would have to pull his underwear out of his jeans like Hansel (“so hot right now, David Cook”) to even stand a chance.

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The Bottom Three: Kristy Lee Cook, Syesha Mercado, Chikezie

My prediction for who gets the axe: Kristy Lee Cook

Bangarang!