10:07 - The Jay, OUT! Bloop-Bloop!

10:06 - Congratulations to Jordin, she’s a great choice for an American Idol, will be a great representative for the show and a (moderately) successful solo singer. Best of luck to Blake, who entertained me so well for five months; I can’t wait for the shaky, beatbox-heavy debut album, and his future career as a hit record producer. And I look forward to seeing how the Top 12 shakes up the industry; who will be the next Daughtry, if Blake will flame out like Bo Bice, if Melinda can bring back Motown, if Sanjaya can capitalize on his pop culture trainwreck potential, if I’ll ever get another look at Haley Scarnato’s fine, fine gams. So many questions… I can’t wait to find out the answers (and illegally download the singles). Thank you to everyone for reading the recaps. See you in January for Season Seven.

10:04 - JORDIN SPARKS! What a shock. NOT.

10:02 - Oh look, the judges. I forgot they were even there.

9:58 - Wait, aren’t there supposed to be, um, you know, like, RESULTS? I’m missing all the resurgent Lost awesomeness! Charlie fighting with gun-toting underwater babes, Sayid planning an Other bombing, Jack being a douchebag. I need to get my Lost on! Let’s get a move on, Idol, damn! Why is it 10pm and we haven’t crowned Jordin yet? This is what you get for putting that stupid Golden Idol awards shit on for fifteen minutes.

9:57 - Mmm, Haley legs, just the thing I needed to push me through to the final moments. Thank you, Miss Scarnato.

9:56 - Watching Ruben makes me glad I didn’t become a real Idol watcher till Season 4.

9:55 - So is Carrie supposed to be the star of the night? Because I thought tonight was about Jordin and Blake? Am I wrong? She’s been on stage more than Ryan tonight. Not that I mind seeing her more than Seacrest.

9:53 - I’m confused, didn’t we decide to just forget Taylor existed on this earth? Who let the Idol Monkey out of the cage? Just breathe Jay, seven more minutes and you’ll be blissfully Idol free for six months…

9:51 - Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club? Umm, ok…. I like Kelly and Joe just fine, but can we stay a touch closer to the AI family tree please? It’s only the LAST TEN MINUTES OF THE SEASON? What is going on here? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!

9:49 - K-Ville looks tight. New Amsterdam looks, well, I hope David Boreanaz is getting suitably compensated for that mess.

9:41 - Really? Beaches? Really? Who approved this nonsense? I like Bette Midler just fine, but really, she has to take up five of the last twenty minutes of the season? We don’t get a Melinda/Tina duet, but we have to sit through “Wind Beneath My Wings”? Sometimes I really understand why so many people hate this show. Sometimes I remember that I used to be one of them.

9:35 - What does it say that they paired Blake with a non-Idolist and Jordin with a former Idol winner? Just the producers prepping her to join the fold. Do we really need to wait another twenty minutes to start the Sparks coronation? Even Blake has started drafting his proud loser speech.

9:34 - Can somebody get Jordin some hot tea, or honey or something? Girl needs help. Her voice is SHOT. Even Ruben is feeling sorry for her, and Ruben is in no position to feel superior to anyone from Idol.

9:31 - Look what you did America! Look who you chose last year. Are you proud of yourselves? We might as well just surrender back to the Brits, for all the smarts we have. Taylor freaking Hicks! I miss Katharine McPhee.

9:30 - Aw man, who brought the dick? Taylor Hicks brought the dick.

9:24 - And then they follow the doofy Sanjaya video and perf with a super-serious Green Day performance (?) in support of Darfur. Fuck you, American Idol! What is your stupid show about? Just crown Jordin already so I can go watch Lost. Gah! Also, if Green Day isn’t going to do American Idiot on American Idol then their presence is just not necessary.

9:19 - Imagine for a second if Sanjaya had made the finale. How crazy it would be. How much hate mail the show would receive. How many shots of that stupid crying girl we’d be forced to endure. The riots that would have been caused if Melinda had gotten the boot before him. A Blake vs. Sanjaya finale would have been cause for canceling the show. Simon would have had a meltdown on live TV. He would have strangled Paula, punched Randy in the face and cock slapped Ryan (just like they do at home) before cursing America for it’s stupidity.

9:16 - Here’s my problem with the Idol Gives Back nonsense: less than one commercial break before the adorable African Children’s Choir took the stage to make us all feel bad, Idol was giving a fake award and making fun of a developmentally-challenged kid. It’s just too disparate a dichotomy. The whole is fine on the surface, but REEKS of pretension and substantive desperation. Ugh. They might as well have put Sanjaya jumping a shark tank on a motorcycle up there, for all the good they want it to do. And that’s what I mean, they follow the sweet kids perf with a tongue-in-cheek Sanjaya Rocks video. What’s this shown supposed to be about, you know? I just can’t get over how much the whole Idol Gives back idea repulses me.

9:07 - I’ve been reading a lot of commentary about Blake and Jordin being the best final two in the history of the show, but watching Carrie do her thing I have to whole-heartedly disagree. Carrie and Bo were the best. Two phenomenal voices, two good-looking cool people. They shouldn’t be discounted because Carrie is a robot, or because Bo dropped an a-load of weight and nobody recognized him. I think because they were both country, their season gets discounted. The hicks running the asylum, so to speak. But I remember how much fun that season was. I remember how much I enjoyed watching Bo swoop in and school Constantine. Watch Carrie trounce all over the girls. Carrie is the biggest success that American Idol has ever produced, specific to record sales, her presence should not be discounted. Blake and Jordin are hip, fun and great talents, but I’d rather listen to Bo rock and Carrie belt, then Blake beatbox and Jordin try to emote. But that’s just me.

8:55 - The Wynans? What, was Tina stuck in the Thunderdome? I feel robbed.

8:52 - Did Simon just call Ryan an asshole? Cause if so, that would be legen - wait for it - DAIRY!

8:47 - Tony Bennett! That means it time for me to take a dinner break. Thanks, Tony!

8:42 - Look how happy Melinda looks! I love that! If she ends up doing a surprise duet with Tina Turner, her tiny no-necked head may explode.

8:39 - Dude, Gladys Knight! Melinda and LaKisha are so her Pips!

8:38 - Oh, Haley’s legs, how I’ve missed you! Excuse me, I have to go, um, lock my bedroom door…

8:35 - Who would win in a wigger-off, Blake Lewis or Eminem? That may be one of those unanswerable questions like Ginger or Marianne, Elvis or The Beatles, skinny pop Kelly Clarkson or pudgy angry Kelly Clarkson.

8:33 - I may have to recant my statement that Blake has no audience. Cause this beatboxing perf is in-SANE. He’s putting on a star clinic, and his skills are free!

8:29 - I can’t believe it took so long for 19 Entertainment to launch a band version of American Idol. That’s a bigger no-brainer than Kelly over Justin.

8:21 - Uh oh, make sure the prompter is working, Brandon Rogers is on stage. Also, holla Sanjaya. I think it’s possible I missed you. But then again, I used to eat paint chips as a young child.

8:18 - Why can’t I TiVo live TV? I did NOT need to see Big Bird french Ryan. You can’t do that to a poor tiny metro, you’ll ruin his foundation.

8:17 - The Golden Idol Awards? Really? Can’t we just move this along? I don’t need to see Sanjaya win ANYTHING. Also, J-hud is the house! You can’t give out gold boys with a flesh and blood Oscar winner in the front row. That’s just not how it’s done.

8:16 - J-Hud is in the house!

8:14 - Damn, she is good. Still the American Idol gold standard five years later.

8:12 - Someone hide crafty, here comes Kelly Clarkson! Just kidding Kel, you know I love you. But really, if you get a moment, a sit-up or two might be a good idea. Just something to think about.

8:09 - I’d just like to take this commercial break to mention that despite my recent axe prediction suckage, I actually picked Jordin, Melinda and Blake as the Top 3 TEN weeks ago. Don’t believe me, SEE FOR YOURSELF (written in Jordin’s recap).

8:06 - What is Gwen wearing? It looks like a Disney Princess Halloween costume made for a four year old. And I think I can see her whole new world, if you’re picking up what I’m putting down. Also, in regards to this song, zzzzzzzzz. Where’s Akon when you need him? probably grinding on a 14 year old somewhere, making R. Kelly jealous.

8:04 - They sound OK together, but they both sound ragged. Their voices must feel like Ashlee Simpson at the Orange Bowl by now. Melinda would have sounded as good as ever. Just sayin…

8:03 - Jordin looks good, for a giantess. I like how far away they started on the stage. It was like a forced perspective scene from Lord of the Rings. Does that make Blake the Frodo? Or the Samwise? Let’s just move on…

8:01 - Teri Hatcher is in the crowd. Odds on whether or not Ryan and her have an awkward on-screen chat? 5-2

8:00 - Blake is in a suit! I guess the argyle sweater wasn’t good enough for the Finale.

So, it is down to Blake and it is down to Jordin. After five months of singing, dancing, corporate shilling, song botching, Sanjaya Malakar-ing, Gina Glocksen crying, Sundance Head sucking, Haley legging, Melinda and Bon Jovi rocking, LaKisha diva-ing, Phil’s head shining, and Ryan Seacreast-ing, it is finally time to crown a new American Idol.

Since I decided to recap the American Idol performance night I have written more than 18000 words on the contestants. I have suffered the ups and down of Jordin’s “energy”. I have watched Blake struggle to find the balance between holy crap awesome and holy jeebus annoying. I have watched Ryan and Simon bicker, Paula try to sustain sobriety (and not always succeeding), and Randy becoming evermore unnecessary. I have been through it all. From the first audition to the final performance of last night (and how ironic that an AI loser closed out the season). And after all that, I knew I needed to do something special to mark the finale. So I’m breaking out the rare liveblog to chronicle what should be a spectacular American Idol Finale Results Show Spectacular.

Updates will post up, so make sure when you refresh that you are reading from the top down. So, without further ado, let’s get to the results…

THIS is AMERican Idol!

First things first…

Melinda…

The writing was on the wall, problem is, nobody was paying any attention to that wall.

You were far and away the best singer of the season. Your journey took you the farthest, and was the most inspirational. Your consistency and goodwill set a gold standard that few contestants will ever (aspire to) match. Your modesty was so all-encompassing it forced cynical online bloggers to recalibrate our snark-o-meters. Your ability to transcend genre limitations and just plain bring it down, no matter the song, drew judges comparisons to the most famous and important female singers of the modern era. Basically, you were the tits. You WERE the Next American Idol.

And yet, here we are, less than eight hours to the finale of American Idol Season Six and the final two contestants are a wee hobbit beat boxer with a sub-standard voice and a giantess kid diva with a huge voice and even huger amount of emotional fakery. Apparently, and this was news to a lot of us, America likes you, they just don’t like like you. And that sucks. I’ll be rooting for you, not that you’re going to need much help. You’re career, much like Jennifer Hudson’s, will be wide-reaching. Your records may not sell Kelly Clarkson numbers, but there’s not a doubt in my mind that your voice won’t still be heard twenty years from now. Frankly, you’re not winning AI is probably a good thing. You’re not shackled to the AI contract, not forced to be their puppet. So go off, cut a great old school diva jam, duet with Tina, cameo on a bunch of TV shows, make the talk show rounds and prepare for what is sure to be a fantastic career. You rocked, Melinda Doolittle, and you made this season a lot easier to watch. For that, I thank you.

And now to the finale…

Jordin will win American Idol. That much is clear. Blake may be the best performer the show has ever seen (and will ever see), but Jordin is clearly the better vocalist, and the vocals always will out in the end. After the shark jumping that was Sanjaya Malakar, the surprise boot of Melinda and the finale presence of a contestant whose main talent consists of spitting in rhythm into the microphone, Season Six needs to end with a big voice. And a big voice they shall get.

I’d like to say that it’s a real competition, but it’s not. American Idol winners are generally graded on five important components, and Jordin wins on every count.

1. Who will the better representative of the show?
2. Who will better represent the legacy of the show?
3. Who will better affect the talent pool for future seasons?
4. Who will put out the more successful debut album?
5. Who fits into the marketplace better?

Let’s take a closer look at these questions, one by one.

Who will be the better representative of the show?

Blake can think on his feet quicker, and is a more hip spokesperson, but Jordin brings the sweetness and sweetness always looks better on conservative television that cleverness. Jordin will bring the big smile, the huge hair and the entirety of her tallness and win over pretty much everyone she encounters. Blake, on the other hand, is a tad more polarizing. Some people get what he’s doing, others find him to be nothing more than a pesky lightbug they’d like to put in a jar and toss into a large body of water.

Further, Jordin can close out the Idol tour with more of a punch. Blake will bring down the house, to be sure, but Jordin will bring the thing home with her huge diva-ness. Climactic notes always make a better show close than fast-paced energy. Note how much more comfortable Jordin was singing the treackly original song last night than Blake. He’s just not comfortable standing sill and relying on his emotional voice. Plus, if he wins that means the end of the concert goes LaKisha, Melinda, Jordin. We’re gonna need a break between that many divas.

Jordin will also look better in the opening credits of the show, and on the audition murals in the first 10 weeks. Having to see Taylor freaking Hicks soul patrol over the opening credits has been like a reoccurring nightmare I just can’t seem to shake. As much as I like Blake, Jordin will be the better antidote to the Hicks. And I suspect the producers agree. Blake has a bit of Taylor in him, in the sense that he has a larger potential to fail. Jordin’s voice and youth will help propel her initial sales, but Blake’s CD is going to be solely dependent on leftover goodwill. Jordin has the upside, which is why she’s the better representative of the show.

Who will better represent the legacy of the show?

American Idol is known for its women, plain and simple. Kelly, Fantasia, Jennifer Hudson, Carrie. They more closely represent the purpose of the show, and they’re what 19 Entertainment prefers to market. Female voices are more memorable than males’, and tend to last longer in the marketplace and public consciousness. Solo male artists are harder to sell, are more difficult to keep popular and are wholly dependent on the changing trends in the industry (just look at Michael Jackson, who couldn’t handle the rap upswing of the late 80’s, or Usher, who was forced to move from R&B to rap/hip-hop, though with a bit more success than MJ). Taylor and Ruben have been flameouts for Idol, as have Bo Bice, Justin Guarini, and Elliot Yamin. While I think Blake is better than all of them (save Bo), I’m not so sure he can break the spell. If you had to bet all your money on which one will still be relevant in a decade, who would you choose? Purely on what has come before, you have to go with Jordin.

Who will better affect the talent pool for future seasons?

This is almost a toss up, but Blake loses because his side has a higher annoyance factor. He’s already opened the floodgates for wannabe wiggers and stupid human trick performers (much like Bo opened the door for “rockers”). I can’t even fathom the level of awfulness that will occur come January should Blake take the crown. Half the auditions will be some moron trying to rap, beatbox, krunk, harmonica or some such other verbal stunt and claim it’s validity based on Blake. Look what happened with all the grey-haired, bad-dancing a-holes that showed up this year to keep the Soul Patrol alive (like the stalker who tried to put gel in Simon’s hair). A win for Jordin will only increase the numbers of naïve, pre-pubescent wannabe divas, which admittedly is just as detrimental as Blake’s crowd, but at least here there’s the potential for a great voice to emerge. Or maybe someone that was inspired by Jordin’s look, and found strength of self because of it. It’s sappy, I know, but American Idol is nothing is not puppy dogs and ice cream. And if you think I’m wrong, tell it to Chris Daughtry, he has a fourth place ribbon he’d like to show you.

Who will put out the more successful debut album?

Both Kelly and Carrie had huge-selling debuts based on their great voices, solid ballads and an engaging take on their respective genres. I see Jordin following suit. I suspect her first record will be a mix of Kelly, OG Christina Aguilera, and a touch of Beyonce thrown in for good measure. She’ll sell like crazy to the tween set and to older woman. Best guess? 2.5 million albums sold.

Blake’s record will be a cornucopia of sound. It’ll be slightly alt-rock derivative, a bit too much JT dancery, but it’ll be catchy as hell (like a Neptunes record). But I don’t know who he sells to. Tweens and young girls will love him because he’s adorable, but guys aren’t gonna back him. I don’t own a Justin Timberlake album and he’s better than Blake, so why would I buy a Blake Lewis CD (and I’m the audience for it). He’ll get tremendous club support, and I can maybe see one or two medium-hit singles, but I can’t see longevity in the record. Best guess? 1.2 million albums sold.

Who fits better into the marketplace?

This basically boils down to what’s selling the most right now. Amy Winehouse, Rihanna, Carrie Underwood, Avril Lavigne, Lily Allen, Xtina, Beyonce, Fergie, Ciara, Gwen Stefani. It’s the summer, and year, of the diva. Now compare that to the notable solo guys in the marketplace right now. Daughtry, Akon, 50 Cent, Robin Thicke. That’s it. If you’re a guy, you need to be in a band. The Fray, Lifehouse, Maroon 5, Plain White T’s, Dashboard Confessional, Snow Patrol, Hinder, Linkin Park. All guy-fronted bands on the forefront of the music industry. Since I don’t see Blake pulling a Daughtry before his first album, I gotta take Jordin to make the bigger splash. She’s an easier fit on MTV, on The Disney Channel, on Nickelodeon and on the bigger internet music sites like iTunes.

I would bet that a year from now I have more Blake Lewis tracks on my iPod, but that Jordin will be a MUCH bigger pop culture force.

So you can see, Jordin is not only the best option for The Next American Idol, but the ONLY choice. Blake will do nothing to help the cause, while Jordin would bring things to the table left and right. It’s been a long, strange season, full of awful singing and detestable contestants. It’ll be nice to see that in the end, a sweet, gregarious, enjoyable singer, with a big talent, wins out.

Best of luck to Blake, and an early congratulations to this year’s American Idol, Jordin Sparks.

Bangarang!

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Thanks to two different power outages at The 209 my TiVo tripped up on last night’s Idol taping. So instead of the full hour I got a ten minute chunk in the middle, and the last fifteen minutes. But it was enough to confirm what I was feeling about this group of three. All of them are talented, professional and eminently deserving of the title “The Next American Idol”. I doubt there’s ever been a Top 3 this good. Further, I doubt there’s ever been a Top 3 that was so up in the air. Melinda is assured a spot in the finale thanks to Simon, but cases can be made for either Blake or Jordin. It’s really just a matter of whose fanbase comes up more in the clutch.

If I had to judge who should join Melinda, based solely on what I saw last night, I’d give it to Blake. He was the only one of the three to perform a new song in the Contestants choice round, he foreshadowed a great pop presence in his vocal for the Maroon 5 hit “This Love”, and he was energetic, fun and inventive all night. Jordin, on the other hand, seemed frazzled. Her banter with the judges was cringe-inducing and she seemed lethargic and unfocused during both her viewer question with Ryan and her performance of “She Works Hard For The Money”. I never doubt her voice; she is consistently one of the top vocalists each week, I question her passion. Like any 17 year-old girl her mood is constantly changing. I can’t begin to imagine how she’s keeping her hormones in check during all this madness. But the problem with her age has always been her inability to hide her boredom (e.g. Weeks 5-8). Maybe boredom isn’t the right word. Indifference? Apathy? Apathy is probably more suitable. Jordin either runs hot or cold with her performances, and while I doubt it’s going to cost her in this competition, it’s definitely something we should watch out for in the future.

Since the Top 3 is so up in the air, and even TiVo-blooping fails to appropriately measure who should get the axe (no one was below two-bloops, and no one was perfect), it’s time to try a new way of predicting the results. American Idol, for all it’s spontaneity and surprises, is fairly predictable in its finality. The same types of people tend to win again and again. By analyzing the Top 3 from the first five season it’s fairly easy to see who will be kicked off tonight, and who will win next week. So let’s take a look back at the past sets of Top 3 and see if we can’t get a handle on the fates of Jordin and Blake.

SEASON ONE

Top 3: Justin Guarini, Kelly Clarkson, Nikki McKibbin

Finalists: Justin and Kelly

Winner: Kelly Clarkson

Season 1 is the most like Season 6. Jordin has been compared to Kelly for two months now (even Kelly admitted it on Ellen last week). They’re young, energetic, emotional, fresh-faced and beloved by the tweener set. Melinda is much like Justin, the voice is technically perfect, the performances are a constant joy to watch, and yet nothing about them screams AMERICAN IDOL. At this point, much as we love Mindy Doo, what kind of record will she make? Who will buy it? Isn’t she suffering from Taylor Hicks syndrome a bit? And obviously, Blake and Nikki are kindred spirits. Same defiant musical tastes, same predilection for wild hair colors, same awesome stage presence. All things being equal, Season 1 supports Melinda and Jordin.

SEASON ONE Prediction: Blake gets the axe, Jordin is The Next AI.

SEASON TWO

Top 3: Clay Aiken, Kimberly Locke, Ruben Studdard

Finalists: Ruben and Clay

Winner: Ruben Studdard

Season 2 is a bit of a haze with me, as I don’t remember Kimberly Locke at all, and this season was adversely affected by America pulling a Cher Horowitz and calling “Project!” on the woebegone Clay. However, I can wring some comparisons. Clay always had the powerhouse voice coming from the slightly odd packaging. That’s Melinda to a “T”, what with her stout body, missing neck and awkward facial contortions. They were both the least likely to be embraced, based solely on aesthetics, yet America looked past that and supported them. Ruben was the lovable large body, an easy comparison for Jordin. Both have voices that are warm, engaging and big. This must mean that Blake is the Kimberly, but since I can’t vouch for that, I’ll just move on.

SEASON TWO Prediction: Blake gets the axe, Jordin is The Next AI.

SEASON THREE

Top 3: Fantasia Barrino, Diana DeGarmo, Jasmine Trias

Finalists: Fantasia and Diana

Winner: Fantasia Barrino

Season 3 is the biggest anomaly in the show’s run. Jasmine had no business being in the semi-finals, Diana was a nothing personality from day one and, by any measure, Fantasia should have been competing on Muppet Idol instead of American Idol (and even then you know she would have lost to Fozzie Bear). This is also the first year that the Top 3 was all comprised of the same sex, which was probably a reaction from seeing two boys in the Season 2 finale. Melinda is probably the Diana here, both were very pretty, solid voices with personalities lacking the fire or magnetism of the other two. But that’s where easy comparisons end. If you base the popularity of Fantasia on the electricity of her performances, than Blake is her counterpart. His stage antics are always mesmerizing (case in point: You Give Love A Bad Name). Yet Blake doesn’t have nearly as interesting a voice as Fantasia. On the other hand, Jordin is so NOT Fantasia. Fantasia always gave off a sense of world-weariness. Like she had been around and wasn’t going to take anyone’s shit. Jordin is young and naïve beyond all belief, which makes her more suitable as the Jasmine Trias of Season 6. The only problem there is that Jasmine sucked and Jordin does not. But like I said, Season 3 was an anomaly. We will never have a Top 3 like that again, nor will we ever have a winner like Fantasia Barrino. This does not bode well for the beatboxer

SEASON THREE Prediction: Jordin gets the axe, Blake is The Next AI.

SEASON FOUR

Top 3: Bo Bice, Vonzell Solomon, Carrie Underwood

Finalists: Carrie and Bo

Winner: Carrie Underwood

Here is where comparisons get back on track. Jordin is so the Bo Bice it’s scary. They both have powerful voices that sound great in almost every genre (though obviously not Arena Rock in Jordin’s case), and were shoo-ins for the finals from the beginning of the season. Carrie is probably the most talented vocalist American Idol has ever seen, which makes her very much like the resident pro Melinda Doolittle. Though they don’t match up looks wise, Carrie never traded on her beauty to get votes (heck, most of the time she wore awful country dresses that did nothing for her figure). Further, Carrie always seemed like a robot to me. She walked on the stage, hit all the notes, sounded great and then went into a corner to power down. Doesn’t that remind you a lot of Melinda? She’s so good that even if she were Liberace her voice would still overpower her personality. Also, and most importantly for Melinda, you knew from the very beginning what type of sound you would get from Carrie’s albums. If I had to appropriate that feeling for Melinda, I’d say we’re in for a series of great throwback, Motown-style albums (which I would totally buy). Unfortunately, this makes Blake the Vonzell. It’s more apropos than one might first expect. Both were inherently lovable. Both had to rise above suspicions that their voices weren’t as good as the rest of the contestants. And both were gorgeous people who leveraged their hotness to get votes. Of course, both were also tossed aside in favor of the robot perfectionist and the larger-than-life voice. So there’s that.

SEASON FOUR Prediction: Blake gets the axe, Melinda is The Next AI.

SEASON FIVE

Top 3: Taylor Hicks, Katharine McPhee, Elliot Yamin

Finalists: Taylor and Kat

Winner: Taylor freakin’ Hicks

I hate the comparison to this year because it means Melinda is the Taylor. And it has to be that way, unfortunately, as Jordin is SO the McPheever of Season 6 and Blake is Elliot Yamin like Mike Tyson was Clubber Lang. Let’s start at the end and go backwards. Elliot and Blake, admirable scrappers who unexpectedly garnered more and more support each week. When we first met Blake, beatboxing through the sloggy Seattle auditions, did anyone think he’d get this far? Sure his hair was cool and he could do crazy things with his mouth, but Top 3 on a singing competition? Hardly. But like Elliot proved, you can be a weird choice and still be the right one. I saw Elliot and Taylor perform on Ellen on consecutive days and Elliot blew Taylor out of the water. Elliot was always great to watch; you never knew if his forehead vein would unexpectedly burst, covering the judges in blood. You never knew if he would break down crying mid-song. And he constantly made Paula weep, a reaction that’s ALWAYS fun to see. Truly, he had the biggest upside of the Top 3. Now compare that to Blake’s place relative to the divas. Melinda and Jordin have great voices, but at this point, can they really surprise us? Don’t you get the feeling we’ve seen all we’re gonna see from them? But Blake continues to improve, with his evermore creative integration of beatboxing and straight vocals, to his fashion sense (tux shirt notwithstanding) to his arrangements to his dancing. He’s a lot like a Justin Timberlake record; you never know what the next track will bring. Will it be a crazy, syncopated dance track, a contemplative revenge ballad, a funky dive bar juke joint, a soul song, etc. That’s why out of this year’s Top 3, his debut CD will be the most interesting (and probably the most polarizing, as well).

Jordin and Kat are an easy alliance. Both are beautiful, young singers with wide-ranging, sexy vocals. Not to mention both are very tall. Kat gained steam as her season went along, with her apex being the writhing on the floor rendition of KT Tunstall’s (love her) “Black Horse, Cherry Tree” and the motionless perfection of “Somewhere Over The Rainbow”. That sounds a lot like Jordin’s exquisite “I Who Have Nothing” and her supreme “Broken Wing” where we watched Martina McBride realize she is useless after Jordin crushed HER OWN song. Of course, if this comparison is accurate, it means she’s the rightful winner who will be robbed of the crown by a stuttering buffoon. And even more frightening, that makes Melinda the buffoon.

Of which she most certainly is not. However, they Melinda and Taylor do share some character traits. Both are older than the normal AI contestant. Both are throwback vocalists. Both have muddled genre loyalty (hence Taylor’s failure to gain traction on the charts). Both can’t dance. The only thing that really sets them apart is that Simon loves Melinda and hated Taylor (also Taylor sucks and Melinda does not). The difference in my eyes, however, is simple: I want to see Melinda in the finals and believe that she would be a worthy winner (whereas I wanted Taylor to suffer a very painful poker to the junk accident). I’d be delighted to see Melinda as The Next American Idol (and not just because I picked her to win 12 weeks ago).

SEASON FIVE Prediction: Blake gets the axe, Melinda is The Next AI.

So to recap, if history tells us anything, based on four out of the five previous seasons Blake gets the axe tonight. And Jordin and Melinda split the Best in Show at two seasons a piece, which means they’re both locks to make the Finale. However, since Melinda would have “won” the last two seasons it seems uncertain that the producers and the audience would blindly continue down that path. I think it’s time for a shake-up. Time for a throwback winner. And with all the talk of Jordin being the second-coming of Kelly, it’s easy to think that the next American Idol has already been crowned, and that Ryan is going to need a step ladder to put the tiara on her.

Peace out Blake, the final will be a lot less fun without you.

Bangarang!

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The herd has been thinned, the discarded chum chucked to the sharks, and all that is left is the top sirloin. By all accounts, the Top 4 is the best Top 4 in American Idol history. Each performer is talented, professional and for the most part, marketable. There isn’t a Sanjaya Malakar, Jasmine Trias or Constantine Maroulis in the bunch. No matter what the theme over the next few weeks, this foursome can be counted to deliver solid, entertaining performances.

Which just makes the show so goddamn boring!

Where’s the wild card? I hated Phil the Alien as much as the next guy, but at least he brought something off-kilter to the proceedings. Like you weren’t sure what he was doing there, but you’d pay attention just in case he unleashed the awesome might of his extra terrestrial powers. I need that kind of surprise. I need Elliot Yamin in there, singing so hard his head might explode like the girl on House last night. I need crazy shucking and jiving from Taylor Hicks, hypnotizing America into making him the next American Idol instead of the knock-out brunette with the powerhouse voice and the Jessica Rabbit body. Heck, after watching last nights pulse-less show, I would have been content seeing Antonella up there doing her skanky thing.

American Idol thrives off of lunacy. Performers that don’t belong, wildly poor song choices, and outfits and hairstyles that scream “To The Watercooler”! We’re not getting that this year. Instead we just get stupid quality singers. How boring. My ears may be pleased, but my adrenaline gland is as dead as Jason Statham at the end of Crank. I never thought I’d say this, but I miss Sanjaya.

We’re changing things up a bit this week. I’m not going to be grading the singers on their bloop worthiness. They were all relatively “meh”, so instead I’m going to be grading them on how fun they are to actually watch. Grading them on their performance more than their voice. The BeeGees after all, are much more fun to watch then they are to hear. The confluence of the crazy facial hair, the blindingly white polyester jumpsuits, the coifs, and those crazy cool medallions, as well as actually seeing that voice come out of Barry Gibb elevates the group to a level of true pop art. And I was especially happy it was BeeGee’s night because it gives me the opportunity to show possibly the best thing Jimmy Fallon will ever do in his entire life (it would have been JT’s as well, until Andy Samberg got the brilliant idea to put his dick in a box). I’m speaking of course about The Barry Gibb Talk Show. Take a watch and have a laugh.

Awesome.

If the real Barry Gibb was even ¼ as fantastic as that clip, I knew I’d be in for a great night. My expectations were not met. He didn’t unleash a high kick, his chest hair was covered up and I didn’t see even one crazy cool medallion. He was nice enough to the kids, and I always enjoy when the artist sings along with the Idol during rehearsals, but I wanted the Barry from SNL, not the old, slightly befuddled, missing his fast ball Barry that we got. If J.Lo is the top and Peter Noone is the bottom, Barry Gibb was hovering next to Tony Bennett as far as this season’s mentors are concerned.

As far as the performances, I was hoping to see a bit of BeeGee-esque chaotic awesomeness (especially from Blake), but was sadly denied the pleasure. I blame the gender balance. Too many divas, not enough immature guys. You can’t tell me Chris Richardson or Phil Stacey wouldn’t have been A LOT more fun to see strutting around on stage, than LaKisha’s misguided attempt to Blakify “Staying Alive”. Blake gets by because of his production skills; it’s not just him on the stage with a mic, it’s also the lights, the strobes, the reverb, and the house band. The girls just get up there and belt, there’s no pizzazz to it. It’s the BeeGee’s for godsakes! Make it crazy! The show needed more falsettos. Chris’s nasal voice would have been PERFECT for this week. And again, as I said before, at least in terms of last night, I missed Sanjaya Malakar.

Let’s jump right to the grades.

1. Jordin Sparks – She didn’t try to overdo the song, she kept the melody relatively intact, and she delivered a controlled, beautiful vocal. For the first performance anyway. The second song was a bit out of her league, but she acquitted herself better than the rest of the Idolists. I like that she didn’t let the band or production overwhelm her (as she did on JBJ night), and that she modeled her look on the type of songs she was singing (classy dresses and slick, straight hair). Jordin is either great or lazy depending on the night, an attitude that fits her age but may lose her points next week. I’m not sure if she can top Blake AND Melinda to get into the finals, but if the first performance of last night were any indication (not to mention Barry’s hyperbole about her), she’s going to pull an upset next week (and maybe the week after that).

Grade: A

2. Melinda Doolittle – Things you are never going to get from Melinda: dancing, spazzing out, a view of her neck, sloppy vocals, real risk. Paula keeps asking for Melinda to wow her, but it’s not going to happen. Melinda can sing just about any song she wants and pull it off convincingly (heck, Tony Bennett wanted to marry her and JBJ asked her to join Bon Jovi), but the assimilation stops at the vocal. She’s not going to dance like Paula Abdul, vogue like Madonna, rooster dance like Mick Jagger, throw a guitar like a hard rocker, or stage dive like an idiot. She’s gonna walk out on that stage and belt. And it’s going to sound great every time. That’s Melinda in a nutshell. You know what you’re going to get, and that’s ok. She sounded just fine last night, but it was no different than five or six performances I’ve seen of her this season. I still think she’s the winner, and the judges seem ready to crown her already and hit the beach, but she’s certainly not the most electrifying of artists. Then again, what’s better, the high risk flash and dazzle of Blake, or the poised perfection of Melinda? I guess it depends on your mood. And I’m willing to bet America is in the mood for perfection come the end of May.

Grade: B+

3. Blake Lewis: The great thing about Blake is that he’s always operating on the razor’s edge. He pushes his limits and tests his audience. Yes, Paula was right in saying that he can do the beatboxing because he can, but the better answer is that he does it because no one has said they don’t like it. He’s only been in one bottom three all year (Melinda has never been in the bottom three, just by the by); it’s a testament to the audience’s appreciation for his musicality. Even though I don’t always like his style of singing (his voice is a bit weak, and he uses his dancing and beatboxing as a distraction from it), I always enjoying watching him. He’s definitely the best performer American Idol has ever seen, but he’s also definitely not the best singer. He wouldn’t have last this far against Bo and Carrie. Fantasia has him beat on watchability. Clay outnerds him. And I bet Taylor and McPhee would have taken him down also. Does he make the finals? I think so. No one wants to see a Melinda vs. Jordin diva off. But if I were voting, it wouldn’t be for him. I’ll buy his first album, but I wouldn’t pick him as the next American Idol.

Grade: B-

4. LaKisha Jones: Part of the reason I changed up the formula this week is because there really isn’t any tension as to who’s getting kicked off. Everyone knows it’s time for LaKisha to get back to her kid. She was back to the shrieking, as Simon pointed out. And now that all the boys are gone, she is vulnerable to the audience love for Melinda and Jordin. There hasn’t been much keeping her around these last few weeks other than people more deserving of getting kicked off. She’s not as controlled as Melinda, not as raw and passionate as Jordin and not as fun as Blake. She brings nothing to the finale fun. I’ll miss the potential live hardcore sex between her and Simon if she had won the whole shebang, but sometimes the potential is better than the reality.

Grade: C

Bottom Three: There won’t be one.

My Prediction For Who Gets The Axe: LaKisha Jones

So until next week, we’ve been…

Talking it up!

On American Idol!

Talking about Simon, talking about some gay sex with Seacrest!

Talking it up!

On American Idol!

Talking about Melinda, talking about crazy cool beatboxing!

Talking it up!

Bangarang!

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We’re gonna call a mulligan on last week’s axe predictions since no one got the boot and the whole week was a sham anyway. I’ve already spoken at length about how I feel on the topic of Idol Gives Back, so I won’t rehash my thoughts now. I’ll simply point you to this take on the subject and say AGREED.

Now back to something that actually matters, namely Jon Bon Jovi. If ever there was a reason to have Rock Week, JBJ would be it. His songs kick ass, everyone and their mother has attempted to drunkenly sing “Living On A Prayer” at an ill-advised karaoke bender (“Oh, we’re halfway there…”), and the dude tapped a pristine Heather Locklear before Tommy Lee got his anaconda junk anywhere near her. If the entire music industry were this show, Bon Jovi would easily have won American Idol for the entirety of the 1980’s (Madonna would have been second, but only because she would have given Simon a hummer after every commercial break. She was definitely Antonella’s spiritual mentor.). And that’s all before mentioning that he wrote one of the best soundtrack tunes of all time (holla, Emilio!). A lot of people got psyched up for the benefit concert, what with the celebrities and pageantry and what not. Me, I just laid low till last Thursday and then began my countdown to JBJ in earnest. This is what I waited for; Blake, Melinda and Jordin taking on the rock. I sat through Country, Latin, Sanjaya Malakar, British Nonsense, fucking Old Sad Bastard Week (not to mention the suckage that was Hollywood Week Sundance Head) and now that torturous journey has finally been vindicated. As my boy Sean Connery might say… Welcome to the Rock!

I could go on more about my thoughts on the night, but it’s all there below. Aside from British Week, Rock Week was my favorite performance night of the season. From the thunderously epic lows of Jordin Sparks to the revolutionary, flip-the-script Blake Lewis performance. We got some surprise skills from resident pro Dr. Melinda Doolittle and a return to form from a soon-to-be departed LaKisha. Even Phil got on my good side, though that had more to do with the song choice and a lot less to do with the fact that he patently refuses to cover his gihugenormous noggin (he sings a cowboy song and doesn’t wear a ten gallon hat? L-A-M-E). I didn’t think JBJ brought anything particularly new to the mentor role (he pretty much just aped J.Lo), but it was great to see him actually playing with the singers (and even taking over in parts where they needed help. Ahem, Chris!). The night, more than anything, was about the lasting appeal of Bon Jovi’s music, and if the quality of the performances is any indication, that appeal will extend for many more years to come. I can’t wait to see him perform on the results show (would it kill him to give us a little Slippery When Wet medley-action?).

As stated before, I’ve decided to recap the show week-to-week and grade the singers on a sliding scale of how much I wanted to, or did, TiVo-bloop through the song. At the end of each recap I’ll make my pick for who should (and hopefully will) get the axe on the Wednesday night results show.

Let’s break it down, bloop bloop style!

1. Blake Lewis – Remember the way Jon was hesitant about Jordin’s version of “Living on a Prayer”, and how he minced words about how much he thought it sucked? The way he soft-peddled Blake’s adventurous take on arguably Bon Jovi’s biggest hit was the complete opposite of that. Paula was right; you could see how much he enjoyed seeing his song taken to such extremes. American Idol is more about the performance than about the singing, which is half the reason Blake is still in the competition. More than anyone else this year, and possibly of the shows ENTIRE run, Blake understands how to maximize his performance, how to make them bigger than the vocal, bigger than the song and most importantly, bigger than everyone else. He knows how to sell; he’s THAT good of a performer. The other reason he’s still around (and currently in the lead, yes, in front of Melinda) is that he’s not only exceedingly talented, but also keenly aware of what he is capable of. I don’t know how much of a leap of faith it really was. That was just a flat out GREAT rendition of a song we’ve probably heard and sung in bars hundreds of times. I loved it. I loved it so much I watched twice. It was so good that he’s beyond no bloops tonight. I’m actually going to give him a half-bloop bonus NEXT week. Such was the love he engendered in me tonight. If Blake ends up winning American Idol (and at the moment that is a very real possibility), this performance will be the reason why.

2. Melinda Dolittle – Sweet sassy molassey, that girl can rock! The one week you’d think she’d falter and she crushes it. How is it possible that she’s this good? She tells Jon Bon Jovi, the American King of Modern Rock, that she doesn’t know his genre and twenty minutes later he adopts her into the band! Unbelievable. She worked that stage like it was a 1986 arena tour and the speakers went to eleven. I loved the tank top, the angry hair, the attitude, and most of all, that she got me to care about a Bon Jovi song that wasn’t originally recorded before my Bar Mitzvah. On any other night she’d be at the top of the list without question, but despite how awesome she was, Blake stole the show. I am very much looking forward to seeing these two titans go at it at the end of the month. It’s going to be a superfight by the second half of the finale, with both singers barely able to even lift their mic. As soon as the credits roll on the season the producers are gonna whisk them to the hospital like the end of Rocky. I can’t wait. Yo Seacrest, I did it!

3. Phil Stacey – Phil and JBJ. It’s the chrome dome versus the classic shag. I wonder who came out on top (HINT: Go with the guy who doesn’t look like an alien)? I think it says a lot about Phil that he claims he practiced a Young Guns 2 Soundtrack song for fifteen years. He apparently never chose “Living on a Prayer” or “Wanted: Dead or Alive” when he would go karaoke. No no, he wanted what Billy the Kid got. Admittedly, I love the song and the movie it’s attached to, but c’mon, of all the Bon Jovi songs to crush on, you chose the title track from an Emilio Estevez joint? I just don’t get it, why is America voting for this guy? Ah yes, I remember, because he panders. Starting in the crowd, giving the sex eyes to random girls, mad dogging Simon like you do when you want to engender “ooohs”, rockstar pose on the catwalk, fist-bumping Randy. All that was missing from his desperation plea was a couple finger guns and Phil rocketing free t-shirts into the crowd like he was a Laker girl (fortunately Paula already loves him so this wasn’t necessary). Even Ryan, the king of fake sincerity, is all “Dude, calm your shit. Everyone knows you’re a poser. And I know of posers.” All annoyance aside, I actually liked the vocal. And maybe the decade and a half of practice actually paid off, because he seemed in control, confident and passionate. He was into it; check the tape for the sweat on his bat boy noggin as an example of how hard he worked it. If he didn’t try SO hard to be liked and didn’t have such an awful neck stump, I might actually be on his side. But as for the grade, the boy rocked it to a Young Guns 2 clip, like he gets anything more than a one-bloop.

4. LaKisha Jones – I love that her reference point for Bon Jovi was Oprah. That pretty much sums up Bon Jovi’s current place of importance on LaKisha’s iPod. As for the performance, I have to dock her points for not doing a recognizable track, and then ding her a few more for choosing Bon Jovi’s only soul song. Like she couldn’t go on a limb and TRY to rock out? She’s not winning the competition so why not take the risk? She might not have got my vote, but she would have gotten my respect. Despite all that, however, I dug the vocal. It started out iffy (natch), but she picked it up in the middle (culminating with the power note squat), and really brought it home in the end. She showed a remarkable level of passion and interest, considering how checked out she’s been the last month. And for a few seconds there I kinda thought I could see a world where she was the Next American Idol. But only for a few seconds. Add that miasma of LaKisha commentary together and what do you get? One and half bloops and a decidedly pleased recapper. And that’s all without going into SIMON LITERALLY MAKING OUT WITH HER. I think we can kiss his objectivity goodbye. Sheesh.

5. Chris Richardson – Since he brought it up, I went back and watched Chris Daughtry do “Wanted: Dead or Alive” for comparisons sake. And what I found was that there was no comparison. Daughtry, without the house band and the studio audience and the stage production thoroughly crushed the Finalist hoopla-enhanced Chris R. There was nothing new there, and on a night when Blake completely flipped the script, doing nothing is a death knell. I was bored, and I’ll bet so was America. I wish there was something more I can offer here, but there isn’t. There just wasn’t anything to his four minutes of tape, beyond a guy singing a song that’s been sung better before. Two-bloops and a peace out, Chris R. Sorry you couldn’t ever escape the Timberlake crutch.

6. Jordin Sparks – Jon Bovi isn’t the worst actor in the world, but when he even can’t keep a straight face over the suckitude that is Jordin singing “Livin On A Prayer” you know something horrible is about to happen. And boy did it ever. The house band overpowered her from the word go, she undersold the FIRST lyric and the stench of uncertainty permeated in the studio like Keanu Reeves ramping up to do a Shakespearean soliloquy. She wasn’t fast enough with the lyrics, she definitely wasn’t loud enough and she didn’t even attempt to understand what the song is about. If the goal was to make it her own, she did the complete opposite of that. Just a total failure on all fronts except “Kick Ass Frizzy Hair”. Why did she think she could do this particular song? “It’s My Life” would have been MUCH better, and she would have crushed “Always”. I have to blame her age for this, as ANYONE over the age of 21 has sung this song roughly 623 times at parties, weddings and karaoke joints across the country, and KNOWS how to rock it. I think the clue was when she told Jon that her Mom grew up with the band. This just wasn’t her music; it was over her head. My problem is that if she knew she was gonna tank, as Paula pointed out, then why did she go with it? At this stage in the game she should have known better. A disappointing two and a half bloops for Jordin (though she’ll be safe this week).

Bottom Three: There won’t be an official one this week. Ryan will make two groups of three and boot one person from each one. But if there was a bottom three it would probably be Chris Richardson, Jordin Sparks and LaKisha Jones.

My Prediction For Who Gets The Axe: Chris Richardson and LaKisha Jones

Bangarang!