Another lackluster week in Idol Land. I can’t blame the mentor this week, as I found Jennifer Lopez disarmingly endearing (anyone who cracks up at their own jokes because it amuses them so much is OK in my book; I mean, I know she’s really a beyotch, but her on-camera persona is very cool. I’m definitely looking forward to her live performance tonight). The Idols seemed to relate to her a lot better than they did any other mentor since Diana Ross, mostly because they’ve watched her become an Idol over the last half decade. She’s the living embodiment of a singer with a mediocre voice but tons of charisma selling millions of albums. J.Lo is a modern American Idol, and the cast can relate to that. She was fun, upbeat, knew the type of advice the Idols needed to better their performance (if not their vocal), and generally seemed to be throwing a good-time fun bash with the kids. I especially loved when she said she had her favorites but wouldn’t name them, then proceeded to bring Blake on camera roughly 456 times for no reason. Yeah, no chance we find out who her favorite is.
My pick for the blame is not the theme this week, but song choice. Three girls sang Gloria Estefan songs. Gloria Estefan is A) not a “singer” singer, and B) not the end all, be all for Latin music. It’s no surprise that the one performance that was actually sung in Spanish (Sanjaya!) was the most well-received. The overall song choices showed immaturity and lack of depth, and that resulted in a ho-hum performance night. I mean, heck, Chris R. sang a Rob Thomas vocal. I like Matchbox 20 and all, but one thing you can’t say about them is that they represent the Latin world. I get that the producers wanted the kids singing songs people would recognize, but I found it slightly offensive to the hundreds of talented Latin musicians that were pushed aside in the name of the four Latin performers that broke through to Pop Music in the last few decades. Not to mention the fact that, ahem, Jennifer Lopez is not a Latin artist. Either do these theme nights right, or don’t do them at all.
But ANYWAY…. On to the bloop review.
As stated before, I’ve decided to recap the show week-to-week and grade the singers on a sliding scale of how much I wanted to, or did, TiVo-bloop through the song. At the end of each recap I’ll make my pick for who should (and hopefully will) get the axe on the Wednesday night results show.
Let’s break it down, bloop bloop style!
1. Blake Lewis – Sure, mostly all of the performance last night were like bad karaoke, but at least Blake was trying. I wasn’t a fan of his J.Lo suckuppage (he was really throwing game at Jennifer, not that she minded), and I kinda hate Marc Anthony and everything his soulless mummy-face represents (with the exception of his cameo in Hackers), but the Blake-factor made up for most of the hate. He rocked the moves, the melody, the finger-pointing and the “look into the camera and unleash the sexy eyes” bit. In a night of uneven performances, this is the only one I’d want to watch again (not counting Haley’s on mute, of course). Half a bloop for Blake.
2. Melinda Doolittle – I didn’t think it was a bad performance, per se, but it’s not like Melinda is gonna be the next Shakira, you know? It’s just not her wheelhouse. But she accommodated herself a lot better than LaKisha, was more involved than Jordin, more poised than Haley, and more likeable than Phil, so she deserves this spot. Pertaining to my careful research of her “shy” persona, I’m leaning evermore to the belief that it might just be a hoax. She’s getting just a touch too confident up there. She batted away Simon’s assaults like Tom Cruise evading “are you gay” questions. Could she just be a fast learner? Maybe. But my money is on the whole persona being a very clever ruse.
3. Sanjaya Malakar – I’m the first to admit when I’m wrong, so here I go: Sanjaya was good last night. He was the only Idol to sing in Spanish, which gives him a ton of cred. He toned down the wild and crazy stage act, which was a welcome relief. And for the first time, I could see him as an actual pop star. That being said, I agree with Simon that the vocal was still not great, and that he was too quiet and mumbly for most of the song. But those complaints pale in comparison to the other things he did well. This was the first time in many, many weeks that I remembered why I originally picked Sanjaya as one of my horses. Welcome to the universe of Sanjaya, indeed. One-bloop for the surging (and possibly legit) Sanjaya.
4. Jordin Sparks – Ho hum. That’s about all I have to say about that. She looked bored, she sang bored and I was bored watching it. I got the distinct feeling she was treading water. She has a lot of support out there, so all she has to do until the finale is give a medium-energy performance and she’ll be fine. She’s still three or four weeks from being in any real danger, so I get the tread, but I’m still not pleased by it. I haven’t wanted to double-bloop her in a while, but last night she deserved it.
5. Haley Scarnato – I hate that Simon won’t expand on Haley beyond her beautiful legs, but I guess that’s all he can do. No, she is not a great vocalist, but let’s be real, neither was Katherine McPhee. They both pushed the sex angle, and look where it got McPhee. To the finals. Will Haley get that far? No, she’s probably gone next week, but I do believe it is her right to use any angle she can to stay on the show. And I also want to point out that Simon put her through to the top 24, and to the top 12, and America has kept her around for another month, so how bad could she REALLY be? I shouldn’t get worked up though, because she has a .5% chance of getting kicked off tonight. You don’t kick off the Latin girl on Latin week. It would be like kicking Blake off during Hip-Hop week, or LaKisha during Aretha Franklin week, or Phil during Creepy Alien Tonal Assault week. As always, a no-bloop on mute, and a double bloop with the volume up.
6. Chris Richardson – I can’t stress this enough: Rob Thomas does not equal Latin music. That’s why you shouldn’t do a Santana song on American Idol (Phil, listen close here). Santana’s music is about the music, not about the singing, which is why he does so many duets. “Smooth” is a great song, admittedly, but you don’t get points for picking it, just because a Mexican guy played the guitar behind the vocal. Chris has been pulling a bad karaoke bit for a few weeks now, and this time he needs to be punished for it. Put him in the bottom three until he learns to find his own voice, and not Justin Timberlake’s or any other well-known white male solo performer. A double-bloop to Chris R.
7. LaKisha Jones – When are people going to finally come to my side of the fence about LaKisha? She has no range! She can’t do anything on stage other than belt a big note! She has no charisma! And she keeps ignoring the mentor’s advice, which does nothing to make the “bitch” vibe go away! Whenever she picks a song that doesn’t have big, blow-the-doors notes she botches it, and last night was no exception. The hyper-speed lyrics tripped her up, as did the moving around. I can usually just tune out the garbage and wait for her to nail at least a piece of the song, but I was S.O.L. last night. I wasn’t able to get a thing out her. Triple-bloop to the stumbling LaKisha.
8. Phil Stacey – Like this was a surprise? I doubt anyone beyond Phil and his wife thought he could convincingly pull off a Latin song (and his wife was probably lying so he’d agree to change the baby’s diaper). What I said about Chris goes doubly for Phil, as the Bald One lacks Chris’s inherent likeability. Phil will always have his ungainly looks to overcome, so he’s started under par every time. For him to stay on each week he has to excel at every other point and he stumbled multiple times last night. His voice cracked, he put the emphasis on the wrong syllable for the last note, he was stiff in his movements, and Jennifer was right, he didn’t connect to the lyrics. The only good thing I can say about Phil is that at least he wore a freaking hat, and thus kept the creepy to a minimum.
Bottom Three: Phil Stacey, Chris Richardson, LaKisha Jones
My prediction for who gets the axe this week: LaKisha Jones (this was right about the time Mandisa was kicked off last year. Coincidence, I think not.)
The Jay’s Prediction Record So Far: 2 for 4 (50%)
Bangarang!
I understand that the Idols need to be pushed to sing multiple genres and styles. But it does them (and us) no good if they ALL can’t pull it off. Of course Melinda would own this, she’s a throwback. But was there any doubt that Jordin, Haley, Gina and Sanjaya would trip up? That Chris R was going to do anything but Mraz his way through a sixty year-old tune? That LaKisha would find the one tune that let her belt out the final note and flap her arms faux-Diva style? It was all just too predictable. Go outside the box to test these kids. Have them all do electronica or house or speed metal. Have the guys sing girls songs and the girls sing guys songs. Make Gina sing Shakira and Blake sing Milli Vanilli. Force Melinda to sing Ashlee Simpson and LaKisha sing All-American Rejects. If this is really nothing more than a national karaoke contest, than get these kids drunk and pitch them the hell out of their comfort zone. They’re all coasting by on guile, when they should be fighting tooth and nail with guts and grit. Heck, the only one who’s really fighting this season is Sanjaya. This must change.
1. Melinda Doolittle – I was sitting at my Passover Seder, you know, talking about Moses and not eating bread, and American Idol came up. Tony Bennett is the big time for my Mom and she asked me what I expected to see tonight. The first thing out of my mouth? That I’d give her two-to-one odds Tony adopts Melinda right on the spot. Seriously, like she wasn’t gonna be his star pupil? She’s the like the short, black, no-necked daughter he never had! Liked the hair, dug the dress, agreed with the song choice, was impressed with her attempts at being “jazzy”, and secretly recoiled at all her odd facial ticks. Girlfriend needs to get those under control, lest she fall into prey to a surprise one-bloop. For now though, it’s all good, she’s still the one to beat. (One last thought… is it me or is Melinda kind of developing a “look thoughtful while they tell me how much I kick ass” face? More as this develops…)
4. Blake Lewis – I got a bad feeling about this night the second Blake started singing. This particular group of Idols has exactly zero love for music history, and as such, is in no way capable of relating to this style of music. Blake tried his damnedest to keep me interested, but there’s not much he can do. The kid is super-talented, can entertain like gangbusters, but tonight he was a pizzazz-filled one and a half-bloop. Also, and this is not his fault, anytime I hear a Bobby Darin song now I immediately think of the atrocious Kevin Spacey movie Beyond the Sea, and how far Keyser Soze has fallen. The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he was an A-list actor. And like that, his box office was gone…
7. Phil Stacey – Can someone please put some blush on Mr. Klaatu Barakta Niktu? I’ve never been so creeped out by a human being singing an American standard. Even though the song was right in his wheelhouse, I had trouble taking him seriously. How can you not focus on how otherworldly he looks? Call it a double-bloop for the look, but a surprise one-bloop for the vocal. Also, someone needs to up Paula’s Klonopin dosage. Ain’t no way Phil Stacey resembles a young Frank Sinatra. Maybe a young alien Hugh Jackman in The Fountain, but definitely not a Junior Chairman of the Board.
The show had no rhyme, reason or rhythm. Songs came from out of nowhere, and the performances reflected that lack of connection. I never got a sense that the songs really mattered this week, which is surprising considering Idol shilled out for a hit-making superduperstar to mentor them in the ways of pop success. And on the Gwen Stefani tip, she was cute as hell, but seemed to be in way over her head. Her tips to the Idols were limited to “watch out for the melody” (Lulu was better at this), she rarely had a good word to say (other than for Melinda, natch), and she’s a terrible actress, because it was beyond obvious when she hated someone (Chris Sligh). Furthermore, how can someone so successful be so “deer in the headlights” just because she’s pulling studio time with Sanjaya? Is he THAT detrimental to the health of modern music? Should Gavin Rossdale put on his machinehead and destroy the kid? Can we get Sanjaya a time machine to 1996 so he can wander into Orange County and kill the evil Ska trend before it gets invasive and nearly deafens a nation of grunge recovery victims?
1. Melinda Doolittle – When they opened with the wide shot of the lights going crazy and Mindy waving her hands in the air I knew there was no chance she was getting the bloop tonight. Match that awesomeness with the kickin flippy bob, the daring six inch heels and the under the boob beltage, and this was a package I would mail first class with insurance. No plebian ground delivery for this girl. She rocked, as per usual. And I – and the nation – loved it, as per double usual. 
4. Blake Lewis – Is Blake a Cylon now? Is he hearing All Along The Watchtower in his dressing room? Because I’ve never seen him so boring, dreary or stalkerish (check the eyes, they had “Giggity Giggity” written all over them). The only explanation for this lapse was that he was too busy watching the BSG finale to put his usual spin on things. I don’t dig Blake bringing it tender. And I really don’t like him saying he’s covering The Cure when he so obviously sung the 311 version from the Sandler in Hawaii flick. That’s twice with the substandard 90’s crap rock band. Let it go Blake. You go or we go. Double bloop this unfortunate Blake bullshit.
