American Idol

12 Word Summaries of the American Idol Season Eight Group 2 – Top 12

Feb 25th, 2009

I’m holding off on the TiVo Multi-Bloop Scale until the Top 12, when I can actually tell this bus full of kids apart. For now, we’re going with quick summaries.

A quick word about the judges… were they all drunk? Or just really tired (in general or of each other, doesn’t matter)? Way too much bitchiness and disagreement and restless behavior tonight. Ryan kept twitching at the judges table, expecting a slapfight or gay joke from Simon, Kara and Paula were alternately mad dogging each other and orgasming over the grody Jonas Brother, Adam Lambert. And Randy found a way to have even less to say. I also didn’t like that Ryan was dressed in casual wear, and how shrimpy his short-sleeve button down made his guns look. Where’s your killer instinct, Rybo?

There’s a real lack of effort problem on the show this season. Hopefully the Top 12 round will make some bitches up.

Anyway! Here we go…

GROUP 2 – Top 12

matt-giraud Jasmine Murray - In any other season she’d be a lock for the Top 12.

Matt Giraud - A shivering, shaking mess of pitchy douchebaggery. Doesn’t matter. He’s being groomed.

Jeanine Vailes - The homeless persons Leona Lewis. But with better legs… and less talent.

Nick Mitchell - Why are they letting him make such a mockery of the show?

Allison Iraheta - Hate the hair, hate the dangly star ring, but love the voice.

allisoniraheta Kris Allen - Forgettable, with no shot for the Top 12. But I liked him.

Megan Joy Corkrey - Was it special needs? Yes, but it was ADORABLE, boofy special needs.

Matt Breitzke - Loved the song, bored the singer. We wasted a slot on him?

Jesse Langseth - Great body, great voice. But I’d rather have my special needs boof.

Kai Kalama - Boring boringness that bored me to boring. But I liked his name.

meganjoycorkrey Mishavonna Henson - Total punim boof, but why did she sing that rancid Train song?

Adam Lambert - A bigger fake than Nick Mitchell. Except Lambert could actually win Idol.

And the predictions…

Top 3: Allison Iraheta, Adam Lambert, Matt Giraud

Wild Cards: Jasmine Murray, Megan Joy Corkrey, Kris Allen

12 Word Summaries of the American Idol Season Eight Group 1 – Top 12

Feb 17th, 2009

by Jason Matthews.

4 comments

I’m holding off on the TiVo Multi-Bloop Scale until the Top 12, when I can actually tell this bus full of kids apart. For now, we’re going with quick summaries. Why? Cause I need to spend the rest of my day figuring out the fuzzy logic that sends three non-gender-specific contestants from each group into the finals and three into a Wild Card but somehow magically still ends up with six guys and six girls in the Finals. The strings on the Idol puppet are heavy this year.

Real quick before we begin, a word on each judge:

Randy: Should never wear scarves. Ever. On his person. Ever. Again.

Kara: Should flirt with the lighting guys a bit more. They’re practically spotlighting her giant schnozz. But she gave good notes tonight.

Paula: Should always have bangs. On her person. Always.

Simon: Should remind the studio audience to STFU more often. Kara is just as bitchy as Simon, and in a far less commercially constructive way, so why is everyone always giving him hell? Haven’t they picked up over the last seven seasons that he’s ALWAYS right?

Anyway! Here we go…

GROUP 1 – Top 12

Jackie Tohn - Please never do that with your legs in those pants, again. Ever.

Rickey Braddy - Can a great voice triumph over bad fashion & zero charisma? For now.

Alexis Grace - When did Chloe from Smallville start belting out diva ballads? And well?

Brent Keith - Will be a successful country singer at some point. Just not here.

Stevie Wright - Who puts their big opportunity in Taylor Swift’s songwriting hands? Epic Fail.

Anoop - American just isn’t ready for a male Indian-American Idol. Who sings ballads.

Casey Carlson - I never expected my BOOF to be a good singer. Good thing…

Michael Sarver - Gavin DeGraw is a lay-up. Way to take a risk, guy!

Anne Marie Boskovich - Looked eight kinds of boofy, sang eight kinds of pitchy. Nice try.

Stephen Fowler - So forgettable & charisma-deficient I forget to put him in this post.

Tatiana Del Toro - I don’t care that some moments were good, she’s still Crazy McPsychopants.

Danny Gokey - As the current front-runner, shouldn’t he try to dress better? Or shave?

And the predictions…

TOP 3: Danny Gokey, Alexis Grace, Michael Sarver

WILD CARDS: Tatiana Del Toro, Rickey Braddy, Casey Carlson (BOOFiness alone got Haley Scarnato into the Top 9, it’ll keep Casey in the game for at least one more round)

My American Idol Season Eight Early Favorites

Feb 12th, 2009

by Jason Matthews.

2 comments

ais8-top36

How are we a full month into the season and literally nothing has happened except a heinous girl in a bikini, Ryan not-fiving a blind guy and the world-crushing awfulness that is Tatiana Del Toro? Seriously, has there been ONE good note of music sung in four weeks?

By this time last season David Archuleta had already birthed puppies across the globe, Brooke White had put Vanessa Carlton out of business and Ramiele Malubay had started me down the path of the BOOF!

Who are even the front runners this year? We usually have at least one by now. Danny Gokey has been getting the camera time, but he’s too homeless person’s Elliot Yamin to even come close to sniffing the Top 2. Joanna Pacitti is a hot mess, Anoop is riding an Obama wave that will never last, Nick Mitchell is Nathan Lane, Von Smith is an actual alien being and all the rest are who cares? So basically we have Jasmine, my BOOF! and a dude to be named later.

I have a sickening feeling that Season 8 is Season 6 in disguise; a hodgepodge of unattractive medium-talents who combine to make the blahiest blah that ever blahed after the break. And here’s to you Blake Lewis, a nation turns its lonely eyes to you.

For what it’s worth, as I do every year, here are my American Idol Season Eight Early Favorites:

ais8-top36-caseycarlson CASEY CARLSON

My reasoning is thus: BOOF!

The defense rests.

ais8-top36-dannygokey

DANNY GOKEY

A dead wife, a Joe Cocker voice and a compelling hetero lifemate scenario make for a fastpass to the Finals. He’s gonna be with us till Early May, trust The Jay.

ais8-top36-jasminemurray

JASMINE MURRAY

The token perfect African American/amazing sixteen year-old that gets to the Top 5 every year. In a month’s time we will all secretly agree she’s the most talented kid on the show, and hope to God Tatiana doesn’t kill her in her sleep. Also, btdubs, if Jasmine doesn’t sing “Halo” at some point this season, I will come out this show like a spider monkey.

ais8-top36-scottmacintyre

SCOTT MACINTYRE

How are you gonna kick off a blind guy? It’s not happening. Besides, Ryan needs at least seven more weeks of helping him down steps and politely describing the set, to atone for humiliating himself on national TV in the Not-Five Incident. And you find me one man on this Earth doesn’t want to see Scott try to do the choreographed group routines. You find that man!

ais8-top36-steviewright

STEVIE WRIGHT

A great name, an endearing horse face, a passing resemblance to my College girlfriend (always a good way to make this list, ahem Amy Krebs ahem), a solid voice and not a chance in the world to make it past the Top 9, what’s not to love?

ais8-top36-adamlambert

ADAM LAMBERT

If only because staring at his ruddy, pock-marked skin in HD each week will remind me to moisturize, exfoliate and bust some micro derm-abrasion my face on the frakking daily. Because really, the face is pretty much all I got. Also, you know, he’s talented.

…Like that’s ever helped ANY contestant on American Idol!

Bangarang!

A Quick Kelly Clarkson Equation

Feb 2nd, 2009

by Jason Matthews.

2 comments

Kelly Clarkson – Since U Been Gone

Kelly Clarkson – My Life Would Suck Without You [Exclusive]

Class dismissed.

Bangarang!

Idol Gives BOOF!

Jan 15th, 2009

by Jason Matthews.

2 comments

Ever wanted to see what it looks like when a person goes on an audition and gets the part, in the room, in the middle of things, and knows it?

This is BOOF-tastic 20 year-old Casey Carlson:

Punim = BOOF

A petite bruny stunner on the order of Rachel Bilson, likeable to beat the band, with a Southern song voice twang that would get Carrie Underwood ruffled, and a punim that could break the JDate network server; basically, she’s everything the Disney Channel wants Selena Gomez to be, but never will.

This is her audition. Try and spot the moment where she wins, and knows it:

Did you see it? No? Let me show you the timeline of events:

1:50 - Casey walks into the room, giggles, and I watch her do so again, twelve more times on a loop.

1:48 - I start randomly humming Phantom Planet’s “California”.

1:43 - Casey makes a dumb joke about her name that I will ignore because she’s cuter than Sophia Bush covered in puppies.

1:36 - Somewhere in San Francisco, the lead singer of Third Eye Blind just stepped back from that ledge, my friend.

1:30 - She starts singing Vanessa Carlton’s “A Thousand Miles”, directly at Simon (because she knows the score). Michelle Branch immediately retires.

1:25 - Simon smiles the smile of a man who just found ten million dollars in his jeans pocket. And somewhere in LA, Vanessa Hudgens grips Zac Efron’s hand a bit tighter.

1:22 - There it is. Casey sees it, gets it, and begins considering potential hairstyles for the Idol finale. Maybe an up-do, with some surprise bangs? (Did you catch the little knee bend she does after making the face? Totes uh doors.).

:51 The judges jump all over themselves to send her to Hollywood. The room REEKS of synergy.

:27 - Casey breaks down into happy tears, and skips out of the room. I take a cold shower.

Back to the moment… So, yeah, does she kind of resemble the Wicked Witch of WeHo in that moment to such a degree that my soul is liquified worse than when I look at the KINGS poster?

Sure. But when she also resembles this, I’m OK with it:

In that Reese-faced moment, Casey got the golden ticket and the backing of Simon Cowell, the support of Kara (cause even her staunch feminism can recognize and respect a Kat McPhee) and all but assured herself a place in the Top 36, my list of Early American Idol Favorites, and the hearts of every pseudo-Seth Cohen walking the planet.

(It also doesn’t hurt that, apparently, she’s a bikini model. Somewhere in Burbank studio apartment, Antonella Barba just changed her Myspace mood to “hopeful” to “sour”.)

Mark my words, I will be TiVo single-blooping Casey Carlson until May.

Bangarang!

Not Ryan Seacrest’s Finest Hour

Jan 14th, 2009

by Jason Matthews.

1 comment

We’ve all done stupid things when we weren’t thinking. Tripped in front of a crush, walked into traffic cause you were distracted by a song you were singing in your head (Beyonce “Halo”, obvs), asked an overweight woman when the baby was due. Heck, once I bought a ticket for Sweet Home Alabama, and stayed for the whole thing!

But trying to high-five a blind guy? Not too many people do that one.

I like me some Ryan Seacrest, and I’ll defend his hosting skills as vehemently as I do Keanu’s acting talents, but this? Yeah, I don’t think I can get my boy’s back here. But for all the great moments in Idol History Ryan has given us, I will give it a shot. Excitement over a nice guy getting a chance? Got lost in the spirit of the moment? Maybe… an overwhelming, soul-consuming desire to be liked? One could even make a case for Ryan forgetting Scott MacIntyre was blind because the guy was so capable. Yeah? No?

Alas, in the end, no matter the reason or excuse, Ryan Seacrest still tried to high-five a blind guy.

Tact with the Handicapped? FAIL.

Hey Ry? Maybe you should stick to rolling your eyes at the flame-outs, having big arms, pretending you hate Simon, abusing the pregnant pause and cringing when nearly-naked girls with bitchfaces try to mack down on you. It’s a lot more your speed. I don’t know, it’s just a thought…

Bangarang!