But I will NOT be shutting down the website.

So technically, the April Fools was on myself. Or, I guess, I unconsciously fooled myself by trying to fool you into thinking I hadn’t fooled myself when in reality I was the fool and you were the foolee, except not, because it wasn’t true, but it was and my brain just broke.

Can someone get MIles from Lost to explain time travel to me, cause I think I just shot Ben Linus dead.

So TheJay.com, as it is, won’t be going offline. I get too much traffic to old posts, have too many links floating around the net, and it’s nice to be able to go through my online archives every so often and laugh at my old jokes. That being said, new posts will be VERY few and far between (think 2-3 posts a month at best). And when (or if) it does happen, it will be fun and funny like always, but positive. A collection of ideas around things that are awesome.

In fact, I’m changing my site description from:

“TheJay.com is pop culture from inside the bubble, offering fresh and funny commentary on the world of entertainment and celebrity shenanigans.”

To:

“TheJay.com is fresh and funny commentary on all things awesome in the world of entertainment.”

Will I still be somewhat acerbic? Sure. Will I still poke fun at some of my lesser favorite celebrities ahem Reese ahem? Yeah, probs. Will I every so often let a bitchy post slip through the wire? Only if Mischa Barton does something stupid enough to block my sunshine.

But for the most part, you can expect great YouTube clips, move trailer reviews, drops of songs that are worth endlessly repeating on a loop on your iPod (think: “Use Somebody”, Kings of Leon, or “Hope Valley Hill”, Helios), love letters to celebrities are who loveable and updates on things going on with me that are of note.

I hope you’ll pop back in occasionally and see what’s up. Whatever is here, I’m hoping it’ll be just a little something to brighten up your day. Especially if you hate Mischa Barton.

Bangarang!

When a monstrously funded, intelligently engineered, brilliantly conceived production chooses to be so lazy as to make their Theme of the Week “Whatever is on your iPod Shuffle”, I have no choice but to answer their laziness with some of my own. Let’s make this tripe quick.

Randy is useless and ugly and has the audacity to question someone’s fashion sense when I have seen him wearing teal cardigans that Heathcliff Huxtable would have dumped his Jello on, Simon is bored out of his bloody mind, Kara is losing her shit faster than I do in the second minute of the Where the Wild Things Are trailer and Paula, PAULA, is the sanest, most constructive judge on the panel.

Do I need to point out how utterly atrocious this season has become?

Fine, one more point, quickly: the most well-produced beat of the night was the video package of Ryan doing his American Top 40 Radio show. Man alive is that guy a pro! I wish Idol would just crown Adam Lambert tomorrow so that we could watch Ryan do all his various jobs for an hour every week till May. At least I’d have some passion to blog it.

As I do every elimination week, I recap the performances and grade the singers on a sliding scale of how much I wanted to, or did, TiVo-bloop through the song. At the end of each recap I’ll make my pick for who should (and hopefully will) get the axe on the mind-numbingly long results show. Let’s start the blooping!

TRIPLE BLOOP

Megan Joy – Just a mega-disaster of Watchmen box office gross proportions. Can’t pick a song to save her life (the judges would have kicked each other in the ear to praise her if she had sung Winehouse. Which is why they suck, cause this is a show about karaoke and yet we get told every week that karaoke is not what they want.), has anti-stage presence, and is so violently annoying that her beauty has become a wash. Simon practically yelled at her tonight for being an idiot. Take it from someone who watched the show twice, he wasn’t the only one.

Anoop Desai – I can’t believe it took us this long to call him out for being a drunken douche at a Frat House Rock Band night. And he picks this aimless, worthless night to suit up instead of the classy Motown Night? See: the first sentence.

DOUBLE BLOOP

Scott MacIntyre – Anytime you can turn a white guy’s fro into a white guy’s greasy helmet hair, you TAKE THAT CHANCE! Especially on a blind guy who won’t know how silly yet glorious he actually looks. I’m still meh on his talent and performance ability but I’ll reverse bloop him just to watch that luscious bubble hair head.

Lil Rounds – Was her wig off-center, or just awful? I’m going with both. Let me get this right, you’re told that the theme of the week is basically every song ever made with instruments, and you, a black woman, the only contestant with actual Hip Hop cred, chooses to sing Celine Dion? Congratulations Lil, you are now officially a beige person.

Danny Gokey - Snorey Snorekey. Snored me with his snorey snoring. And then? More snore. Somebody please explain to me why I should stay awake for this lightweight!

SINGLE BLOOP

Adam Lambert – The best he has ever looked; somebody was nice to the makeup artist this week! Was fun to see him stay cleaned up, love the Elvis pomp, you KNOW I love the return of the Rape Eyes, buuuut that was some campy theater shenanigans. I thought I was watching the second act of Jersey Boys. Call me when he remembers that there’s a difference between performing in theater and performing IN a theater.

Matt Giraud – I’m a sucker for pappy crap like The Fray and I’m a sucker for playing IN the crowd, so I can tell with a certainty how hopeful I was that Giraud would knock it out of the park. I was, as I am with this whole season, disappointed. He should have done “Sex on Fire” by Kings of Leon, better fit for his voice, sexier song, way more current and I wouldn’t have had such an awful pit in my stomach that at some point next year I’m gonna be hearing his second single underneath the Act Four montage of a misfired Grey’s Anatomy episode.

Allison Iraheta – Who doesn’t love an insanely crazy pink buckled mumu coat dress combined with an even pinker peacock hairdo? Especially when the point is to ape Gwen Stefani, the Queen of crazy pink buckled fashion. The performance was a miss, but her voice is just SO good, she gets brownie points for rocking the guitar and I’m giving her a personal bloop bump for how Ryan introduced her “[growing up] 20 miles from where No Doubt started”, which in Southern California proximity terms is like saying they both live in the Northern Hemisphere.

NO BLOOPS EVER!!!!

Kris Allen – The best performance by every standard ever used to measure anything ever. Who knew he could rock the keyboard? And better than Giraud, even! Amazing arrangement to a song that has been done and done and done, Kris made the song fresh and bold and interesting again. Can’t give a pass to his weird squirrelly singing faces, but I’ll forgive it if he makes music that sounds so good. For once, this 84% contestant gets an “A”.

The Bottom Three: Megan Corkrey, Scott MacIntyre, Allison Iraheta

My prediction for who gets the axe: Megan Joy Corkrey

Bangarang!

You know what’s the best? An American Idol season where the producers pick the Themes without paying attention to the musical styles of the contestants. We had Country Night last week and no one in the Top 11 is a country artist. This week we had Motown Night and barely 3 of the Top 10 have any business whatsoever of playing in that sandbox (and Lil peed in the sand). I can only assume that after Matt and Scott get booted, they’ll have Piano Night. Such an ass backwards season we got here.

This may be a hypercritical observation, but has anyone noticed the relative lack of passion so far this season? That we no longer have a search for the next great artist, but a search for the person who can act the most like the next great artist? I liken season eight to the season of Real World just after Miami, where the kids finally realized they were never going to top Dan calling Mellissa a bitch and Mike having a threeway in the shower and then jumping on comic book girl Sarah and her saying he “smells like broads”, and to go further back, the entirety of Puck, David blanket raping Tami, the life and death of Pedro Zamora, Neil getting his tongue bitten off and Eric Neis’s arms, so now the Idolists have stopped being real and started playing the exact stereotype they were cast as, without hesitation or conscience.

We’re a season and a half from a moderately talented black guy slapping Kara for having Lyme disease, three Idol finalists banging in a hot tub on day one of Top 12 week and Ruthie showing up drunk out of her mind and getting behind the wheel of a bus.

Oh, what I wouldn’t give to see Simon beat the snot out of the Miz.

Wait, what show are we blogging about? Anyway… yeah, a lack of passion. A soulless, dead-eyed cabal of mediocre singers, restless judges, useless Randy Jackson, Ryan quickly losing patience and a total Abe Froman group sing. You know Abe Froman, right? The Sausage King of Chicago?

Let us move post haste to the bloop review before I start a 700 word rant about how this show would be infinitely better if done on a Winnebago traveling across the country.

As I do every elimination week, I recap the performances and grade the singers on a sliding scale of how much I wanted to, or did, TiVo-bloop through the song. At the end of each recap I’ll make my pick for who should (and hopefully will) get the axe on the mind-numbingly long results show. Let’s start the blooping!

TRIPLE BLOOP

Megan Corkrey – Much as it pains me to relinquish my lone Idol Boof, I am disavowing Megan Joy. She’s gorgeous and kooky, but the dancing is now that uncomfortable and not cute kind of special needs, the singing is atrocious, her control is off the rails and she has no defense against any of it. She’s so much like Tai in Clueless during the “what do I do with this sweatshirt” montage, trying anything to make her dumb shit work and never realizing the best approach would have been NOT bringing the sweatshirt to begin with. I tried so hard to love her, but even Boof Love has its limits.

Michael Sarver – I never noticed this before, but Sarver has a total Buffy the Vampire Slayer vamp forehead when he sings. The eyebrows go up, the skull becomes cro magnon, the mouth moves like there are too many big teeth in it, and he forever looks two blinks from eating the crowd. If he put a claddagh ring on and wore a duster, Idol security would need to be on constant patrol for a petite blond girl with a stake, ugly leather pants and a complete inability to show leadership or diplomacy.

Scott MacIntyre – This has reached the “not funny, not fun” state. He’s just no good. And the judges have run out of kind ways to tell him he’s not a worthy Idolist, without hurting his blind feelings. His vocals trade off between sharp and flat, the song and performance was boring, he gave ANOTHER song choice excuse, which I didn’t buy, and there was even more random shenanigans in his judges critique. Paula brought props? And decided to run the bit in front of the BLIND GUY who’s standing up there not sure why the audience is suddenly laughing? Stay classy, American Idol.

DOUBLE BLOOP

Anoop Desai – Well that was some sloppy, somnambulant bullshit.

Lil Rounds – Sooooo she biffed it. I got the feeling she was caught up in the pressure of being the chosen one this week. The producers practically gift-wrapped the week for her, and she just buckled. Loved the homage outfit and hair, but she oversang the song, ran it too fast and constantly looked like Walt from Lost just before The Others took him. I half expected Randy to start screaming LIIIIIIIILLLL, while Simon pushed a “that was atrocious” button every 108 seconds. Kara was right, we expected her to pwn the week and the fact that she didn’t, well… let’s just say that the winner usually pwns their Chosen One Night. Carrie pwned Country Night, David Cook pwned lite-Alt Rock Night, Taylor pwned Old Man Night and a Kelly pwned In Five Years I Will Be A Whale Night.

Danny Gokey – The voice fit the Theme, the outfit matched the Spring print ads for Express. It’s Motown week and you can’t suit up, you pandering ponce? Fail! I can not sit through anymore of his “please love me” bullshit. The running around the stage, the woofing, the jumping in with the backup singers, the touching the crowd; it’s all so manipulative, plastic and wasteful. Completes supes totes Amateur Hour.

SINGLE BLOOP

Matt Giraud – I was juuuust about to knock him a bloop grade for doing ANOTHER piano performance, when he finally got up and used his bloody feet. Then, after watching him, I kinda wished he hat sat back down. He’s so tall and gangly, but with the button up shirt, tie and cardigan he looked so stiff, its like watching a mannequin do pilates. Thankfully, there’s such a thing as closing your eyes. When one does that all you notice is a smooth, soulful voice throwing down on a classic Motown track. I would take him in the Finals over Gokey in a heartbeat.

Kris Allen – Kris is really an 84% guy, isn’t he? He gets up, performs, it’s fine, you feel safe watching him, he’s not going to Lambert you, it will never be a trainwreck, but it will also never be transcendent. It’s better than middle of the pack, but nooooot good enough to get the “A”. You have to admire his consistency and low profile style; I see him silently passing over better contestants a la Jason Castro. And I see him disappearing from my world the second he attempts to sing in French with a mandolin.

Adam Lambert – This will sounds strange, but is it possible that last night, WE Lamberted HIM? It must be the guyliner and in the face bangs that cause the Rapey Eyes, because Adam looked like a legit crooner all cleaned up on stage. It was a fabulous turn for him. He showed that he can go mainstream, not offend the Red States, still deliver a knockout vocal without all the lights and sounds and mishegoss, and proved, once again, that as far as American Idol Contestants go, he’s light years smarter than everyone else. He’s the only one that gets how to win; it’s not about pure vocal ability, you have shake up all the peripheral stuff (staging, arrangement, etc.), but stay in the box for the vocals and then you can make the audience and judges love you equally. I will also quickly add that he needs a chemical peel worse Bill Murray and Seal combined.

NO BLOOPS EVER!!!!

Allison Iraheta – Confident, smooth, commanding and not at all Gokey-ish. I love that Allison gets up there and just belts. None of this playing to the crowd bullshit; she doesn’t need to because her voice is so ZOMG good. And when she does move, she stalks that stage like a cheetah, gives us the growl eyes and whips around her magenta hair. She’s like a Wild Thing. This is what we wanted Carly Smithson to be, but never got because Carly has desperation tattooed on her forehead and Allison is too young to understand what that even looks like, she just thinks Carly’s boots are cool. And they are. … THEY ARE!

The Bottom Three: Michael Sarver, Megan Corkrey, Scott MacIntyre

My prediction for who gets the axe: Michael Sarver

Bangarang!

I’m gonna need you to get ahead and watch this video. IMMETES.

In continuing my recent “you might not know this about The Jay” Tour, I wanted to tell you that when I’m not online skewering celebrities and on my couch TiVo-blooping Idol flunkies, I have me a real world jobby job. And in that jobby job I work on a webseries. That webseries is called “Harper’s Globe”. It’s the companion webseries to the new CBS show “Harper’s Island”, and, if I do say so myself, it rocks. It rocks the socks. It rolls, it owns, and it pwns. It would be the Top Post on SuccessBlog.com.

You know how Wayne Campbell says “This blows goats. I have proof”? Well Harper’s Globe is the COMPLETE opposite of that. It goats blows.

Picture the most amazing thing you can think of that doesn’t include a monkey wearing two tuxedos (ONE tux wasn’t formal enough!). So you’re probably imagining something like this: Keanu Reeves is whoa-ing in bullet time while Rachel McAdams makes out with Ryan Gosling on a pier, Rocky is boxing a Russian, Vince Vaughn is talking a mile a minute at nothing in particular, Reese Witherspoon is gathering nuts for the winter (because she is a squirrel), The Zellweger is hitting the wall, Guy Pierce is taking Polaroids of you, Mel Gibson is shaking hands with Jews, Megan Fox is bending over every car in the parking lot, the Terminator just showed up and is all “come with me if you want to live” but you’re holding out for Michael Beihn cause you’re a child of the 80′s, somehow you have a working lightsaber in your hand and Vader is NOT your father but IS a really cool Uncle, Chris Farley is suddenly alive and falling into coffee tables, Beyonce is singing Halo on a loop, ’99 Britney is rocking her catholic schoolgirl outfit and asking you to hit her baby, one more time, Molly Ringwald wants to go to Prom with you, Ferris Bueller is dedicating Beatles songs to you, Chazz is asking you about a gangster named Keyser Soze, Ben Affleck is saying that YOU were the bomb in Phantoms, your abs are as jacked as King Leonidas, you’re saving hostages on the top of Nakatomi Plaza, everything is in that James Cameron-style blue filter that makes you look kickass and THIN, your hair is better than Don Draper’s best day side-sweep and this is all being filmed using that one Spielberg shot wear the camera zooms in on the actors but the background goes all wide and blurry, like when Chief Brody first sees the shark in Jaws.

This is better than that.

Listen to my mouth words here and peep the star of our show:

Like you don’t want to spend time with her? Like that isn’t the punim that launched a thousand frenzied Google searches (real name = Melanie Merkosky. Have fun!)? You’re actually telling me this? And expecting me to believe you? Go fuck yourself.

So watch it, comment on it, help me make it a success. Because I don’t slave all day making high-quality web entertainment so that it can be ignored. Get on this, people!

Bangarang!

American Idol has a huge Country fanbase. We know this because contestants like Kristy Lee Cook routinely make it to the Top 7. We know this because Carrie Underwood is the highest selling Country Artist in music today. We know this because Bucky Covington exists on this Earth. And while those facts are all true, none of them support the bigger argument that American Idol should focus more attention on Country music.

Because this is, after all, a pop music show.

So why must we be forced to endure a host of kids who don’t listen to Country, can’t sing Country, don’t want to sing Country, and have no business fronting the genre, karaoke that beast? And why this season especially? Season Eight is atypically devoid of even one true Country kid. You could argue for Michael Sarver, cause of the Texas, but he fits more into the Bear Porn genre than he does Country Music. Alexis Grace is secretly a blues singer, Megan Corkrey is secretly from Mars, Adam Lambert only rapes in rock, and Anoop will only sing Country if his Frat House is doing a Western-themed roofie party with the Kai Delts.

And the judges hate the music, too! Simon loathes the genre, Randy has no experience in it, Paula only knows the Country Divas and Kara just wants to have sex with Kris Allen and not getting any Lambert herpes on her choppy bangs. Couldn’t we have just skipped this? Couldn’t we have NEVER spent two hours watching Randy Travis vainly attempt to find his pulse?

I’ve never wanted to octuple-bloop through a performance night so much in my Idol-watching life. Let’s get down to business so we can start forgetting this week ever happened.

To the Blooping!

As I do every elimination week, I recap the performances and grade the singers on a sliding scale of how much I wanted to, or did, TiVo-bloop through the song. At the end of each recap I’ll make my pick for who should (and hopefully will) get the axe on the mind-numbingly long results show. Let’s start the blooping!

TRIPLE BLOOP

Anoop Desai – I refuse to comment on Anoop until he wears something nicer than his Sigma Pike Beta Thursday Night bar crawl outfit. I don’t need to listen to him sing in the same clothes he wears while over-serving Freshman Sosh Majors into his Frat house top bunk.

Michael Sarver – So that was a whole that of please God stop doing whatever it is you are doing. The Roughneck may be super charming, and he’s probably a great guy to have a beer with, provided you don’t mind PBR, but listening to him do a Micro Machines commercial up there was nauseating. It wasn’t musical, it wasn’t entertaining, I don’t believe it was actually singing, so much as talking in front of a dude with a harmonica. If this is the truly indicative of Country Music, than I haven’t missed a thing.

Scott MacIntyre – Totes me de ocreage. Again we’re going to ignore the performance, cause I don’t have the time or the inclination to spend words on something that is inherently pointless, so we’re gonna talk about the rest of his camera time on the show last night. Did you notice that Scott caught hell for playing the piano two weeks in a row, but Matt Giraud didn’t? That’s the Idol Producers subtly telling you to kick him off so they don’t have to plan a whole Tour’s worth of choreography where one of the kids drags him along the elaborate stage. I’ve been to a Idol Tour show, trust me, it’s no place for Scott MacIntyre. But hey, he did have the best joke of the night: “I can move it closer”. If I said moronic things like “LOL”, here’s where I would. And then I would kill myself. Or volunteer to be Lamberted in the ear; something painful to repent for my sins.

Alexis Grace – She gets props for being the only Idolist to actually sound like a country artist. She loses points for being the only Idolist to sound like utter crap. And when did she turn into plastic surgery face? I haven’t fallen off a bandwagon this quickly since I went on a Sugar Purge back in 07 and then proceeded to eat 22 Oreo Cakester cookies eight minutes later.

DOUBLE BLOOP

Lil Rounds – I finally understand what Simon means when he says something is “cruise-ship”. Lil Rounds sang that song with about as must passion as I have when I’m watching being forced to watch Private Practice cause nothing else is on (I hate everything about it except KaDee Strickland’s everything). You knew Lil was gonna biff on Country Week; not cause she’s black, but because why would her voice and style translate? Mary J. Blige wouldn’t be caught dead singing Reba or Dolly, and that’s the way it should be. Lil should have taken a page from Iraheta and just R&B’d the steez out of Nashville.

Danny Gokey – More like Danny BOREkey! Huh? Huuuuuh? Yeah. Had to. (Did I repeat this joke from last week? Don’t care. Still works.). I can’t believe we’re gonna crown this borebag. Archuleta was eleventy-thousand times more fun last year and he didn’t win and no one is buying his record, so why should I care about Gokey? Especially when he chooses to where Costanza Gore-tex jackets on stage and give Paul Rudd from 40 Year-Old Virgin Michael McDonald brain aneurisms.

Matt Giraud – Not yet on his bandwagon. I need to see him perform away from his piano and not come off like the spastic epilepsy patient that was his Coldplay performance. It’s not hard to be impressed by a dueling piano player be charming on the piano. But would he have been as charming doing what Kris Allen did? I’m thinking no. I’m thinking his nine-head sweats would have soaked the stage.

SINGLE BLOOP

Kris Allen – Well that was certainly earnest goes to idol. I felt like I had watched every Mandy Moore movie ever made in the span of two and a half minutes, and suddenly I didn’t want to violently punch Shane West in the throat. And, really, that’s not so bad a feeling. I’d rather see him Mraz it up, but if Kris wants to get a little mellow every now and again, try to take votes from Jack Johnson, I’ll allow it.

Megan Corkrey – Looked great, toned the crazy down by 64%, played her sickness up just enough to stay safe for a week and only did one thing to make me regret crowning her my Boof (that would be the raise the roof before Ryan joined her on stage. Girl really needs to retire the gratuitous noise bullshit). Thought the performance itself was pretty reserved, fairly absent in her usual vocal quirks, but she played the part of Grand Ole Opry nine kazillion times more charming than Alexis, so kudos to my Boof.

Adam Lambert – When he wasn’t violently Lamberting my nether regions with his eyes and pasty skin, he was blatanly Lamberting David Cook’s “Billie Jean” performance. And despite my now sore and humiliated manhood, I thought the whole experience was pretty frackin amazing. The man’s rape voice can do astounding things. Blair Waldorf amazing things. I may have to watch him with my eyes closed (you know, so I can avoid the raping), but I will happily do so for many more weeks.

NO BLOOPS EVER!!!!

Allison Iraheta – OK, I’m officially on the Iraheta Train. She may have a face that’s ten pounds of ass in a five pound bag, but that voice is commanding and awesome and scrumtrillescent. She even made Country fun to hear. I like the hair modulations, the outfits are calming down and the personality, while still boring, is less horrendous than before. She’s a single bloop performer, quintuple bloop talker, and that’s alright by me.

The Bottom Three: Michael Sarver, Alexis Grace, Megan Corkrey

My prediction for who gets the axe: Michael Sarver

Bangarang!

Oh, TiVo Multi-Bloop, how I missed you so! On those long audition rounds when I yearned for your sweet mercy. In Hollywood Week whilst enduring the aural torture that was Bikini Girl. During the Top 36 when I kept fighting the urge to grab you and Triple Bloop the bejeesus out of Tatiana Del Toro. There have been many long days and nights since we last graded a bunch of wannabe pop stars. Good sir, it has been too long.

So it is with great pleasure that I welcome you to the new season of American Idol. And to a new, ever-mediocre Top 12 (nee 13). I know your work this year will be as generous and philanthropic as ever. As vital as ever. Especially in regards to any video package where Allison Iraheta speaks, or any performance where Adam Lambert attempts to eye rape the world.

Let’s not waste time with pleasantries. Straight to the show review and blooping we go!

I absolutely love what Simon is doing with his reviews this year. Cutting through the bullshit and actually commenting on the emotional manipulation the contestants use is nothing short of brilliant. And you know I love the transparency of Idol declaring itself a puppet show and then detailing the how’s and where’s it moves the strings. Kris Allen, don’t bring out your wife so soon, you’ll lose votes! Sarver, the oilrig thing is not selling, change it up! Lil Rounds, stop trying to sing to Middle America, the Blue States WILL carry you! Danny, keep pimping the dead wife, we still love it!

God I love Simon Cowell. Can’t wait to see him start telling all the Momtestants to stop using their bastard children to endear us to them. Megan just may lose her epic fool mind! Paula, Kara, Randy, you were by turns useless, fugly and retarded. Work on that, hmm.

To the Blooping!

As I do every elimination week, I recap the performances and grade the singers on a sliding scale of how much I wanted to, or did, TiVo-bloop through the song. At the end of each recap I’ll make my pick for who should (and hopefully will) get the axe on the mind-numbingly long results show. Let’s start the blooping!

TRIPLE BLOOP

Allison Iraheta – I see Allison’s been watching tape of Amanda Overmyer; the trucker fashion, the janky hair, the broken glass voice and the oft-putting stage presence. It’s a potent combination that achieve two things, 1. It feels like a “good” “performance” when it isn’t, and 2. It has so much going on right in your face that it takes you till the next performer before you realized she kinda had the suck happening. Smart move, kid.

Jorge Nunez – Are we actually… allowed to do that with suit sleeves? I thought a bill was signed into law about that trend. No? Will Jorge need to pay Don Johnson royalties? Is this secretly a viral marketing way of getting Miami Vice back on the pop culture radar? Is Colin Farrell fronting this under the table? Cause there ain’t no way it was an actual MOVE in this competition. Picking the most boring MJ song in his catalog (Borge? Nunez?), singing it with half a pulse, letting his eyebrows swallow his entire face. I’m just gonna assume he’s trying to get kicked off, so I can let logic exist in my life again.

Michael Sarver – Can we put an embargo on the oil rigging footage? If he’s not gonna do a slow motion Ben Affleck in Armageddon 360 stand up while the President asks him to save the world, I could care less that he rigs oil. Also, when did we start letting Wedding Singers compete on this show? I felt like Michael was abouy to announce the cake cutting when he was done, or pull the Father of the Bride out on the dance floor, something reception-y. I also felt like I wanted to strangle is misplaced ass with a microphone cord and then cry over Drew Barrymore. But that’s just me.

DOUBLE BLOOP

Anoop Desai – You know the term “dress for success”? And the term “dress for the job you want, not the job you have”? Anoop apparently equates “success” with “1am funsies at a Frat Party”, and appears to want the job of “American Apparel register monkey”. I mean the jeans? The frakking jeans? On national TV? ReTIRE that sloppy shit. Does he even want to be ON this show? Has he at any point given us a reason why he WANTS to be the next American Idol? Anoop Dog is in the doghouse until future notice.

Matt Giraud – We’re just gonna talk about it once, then we won’t need to talk about it again. Justin Timberlake Lamberted Jason Segel and they produced a child. That child grew up to be Matt Giraud. OK. Great. Let’s never speak of this again.

Scott MacIntyre – We’re not gonna talk about the voice or performance, because I think we all know the deal: he’s not blind, he’s not in the Top 12. So let’s talk about the pandering video package the producers whipped up to make their own little weekly Idol Gives Back. Check it: not only is SCOTT blind, but so is his SISTER. Can you believe the injustice! Vote for hope! Yes we can! A vote for Scott is a vote for the entire nation of sighted people. You will never need to help a blind person cross the street, or give change to a blind homeless person. Nope, American Idol takes care of your charity, and your karma, with a gift-wrapped box of “Vision Impaired WOW”. I mean, look, we’ve seen him triumph over his handicap, seen him simultaneously mock AND forgive Ryan for the Not Five Incident, and seen him bring back the white person mullet. Isn’t it about time we say thank you, send him on his way and focus on the more important special needs person in the Top 12, Megan Joy Corkrey?

Jasmine Murray – Now that is a photogenic family. With their round Cosby kid faces and group TV watching like Cuba’s family at the end of Jerry Maguire. They even had the little black child running around slapping pics of Jasmine on the frig and yelling “that’s my mofo”! And I could spend pretty much all day just looking at Jasmine’s Mom’s bangs. That’s some Beyonce shit right there. As for the performance, it was rough. Girl needs a better stylist, less eye make-up, the best vocal coach money can buy and ten hours in an isolation tank with every episode of TRL from 2002 playing on a loop.

SINGLE BLOOP

Kris Allen – I feel like watching him is like knowing what a Lance Bass solo album would look and sound like. The hair is great, the arms are cut, the height is diminutive at best, the desperation is teeming at the surface, the wife beard is standing just offstage and the actual MUSIC is an afterthought. A sweet, sweet afterthought.

Megan Joy Corkrey – The right song for her burnt acid voice and the right beat for her adorably dorky corkscrew bebop dancing, though the complete wrong choice for an actual singing competition. And did I catch her “cawing” at the end there? Unless she’s auditioning for the Arrested Development movie she needs to never do that again. In the ever. Of ever. Also? Ever. Was I completely sucked in by her hip shaking, billion dollar smiling and obvious appeal to Annette Funicello beach party movie fans? I was. But now I’m a bit worried Katy Perry is gonna show up and cut this girl.

Danny Gokey – Well that was spastic. And in the employ of every suck ass kiss up move in the book. Point the mic at the crowd! Point the mic at Paula! Dance like a dork! Go on runs for no reason! Wear glasses! I will be SHOCKED if at some point this season he doesn’t have some stupid words written on his hand, all David Cook-style (something like “Down With Poverty”). Listen to me close: I fear for a Gokey-Lambert, Soul v. Rape finals.

Adam Lambert – I know what he was doing is traditionally called “singing”. I can accept that he was performing words that have been written down and combined with a melody. But all I actually HEARD was this: “Hi there, I’m Lambert. Ooh, say, would you mind if I raped you? Cause I was really hoping to get a rape going tonight. And not just some G-rated raping, I’m talking like Monica Bellucci Irreversible raping. A level five rape. Where at the end, the term “raping” is changed to “Lamberting”. Would that be OK with you? Well, while you’re considering my proposal, I’m gonna go ahead and get started on that raping, OK?”

Lil Rounds – Remember the poster for the movie Angel Eyes? Where Jennifer Lopez was turned into a white person? And how it was completely inexplicable because her On The 6 Bronx Latin-ness is what we LIKED about her? That’s what went down on the Rounds tonight (minus the Jim Caveziel stalking). Call me un-PC, but I like my whites white and my blacks black. I want Lil singing Blige and Beyonce and doing it in a massive bedazzled denim jacket, layers of gaudy platinum jewelry and an out of control Soul Glo weave. I want to be scared she’s gonna cut me if I don’t applaud. I do NOT want her wearing lavender. And an entire Rose Parade float of fringe on her shoulder. Lil, please, go black deep. Never forget: Fantasia beat Jennifer Hudson.

NO BLOOPS EVER!!!!

Alexis Grace – Teaching your daughter to say “Seacrest Out”? That’s how you become my WIFE. Rocking the pimp slot with a fierceness? That’s how you become the next American Idol. Loved the hair, loved the look, loved the tone, control and pitch. Loved the stage lighting, loved the song choice. Loved it all. Love.

The Bottom Three: Jorge Nunez, Matt Giraud, Michael Sarver, Allison Iraheta

My prediction for who gets the axe: Jorge Nunez, Michael Sarver

Bangarang!

ORIGINAL POST:

We have arrived at the mysterious Wild Card Round, with nine (obvious) finalists set, and three to go. But who will the 3 be? I’m gonna walk you through it, Clue-style.

First we must look at the 9 finalists and where they fall in the American Idol Stereotype Hierarchy:

Alexis Grace: White, spunky pop-rocker

Michael Sarver: White, burly soul man

Danny Gokey: White, Archuleta V.2

Allison Iraheta: Latin, GIANT-voiced child

Kris Allen: White, Pretty Boyband canon fodder

Adam Lambert: White, Over-sexed “Rocker”

Lil Rounds: Black, BBV

Scott MacIntyre: White, Blind Guy

Jorge Nunez: Latin, Mildly-annoying Latin singer

Looking at that list, I notice two things.

1. I picked 7 out of the 9 people in that group, messing up only on Kris Allen (who I liked, anyway) and Jorge Nunez (who I didn’t pick because I sometimes forget screen time in the semi-finals=Top 12. Also, I forget that American audiences are stupid.)

2. There’s juuuuust a bit too much Caucasian on that list. Sure, this is traditionally a Wonder Bread-heavy show, but TPTB on Idol always like to have a little Minority Flavor to boost their fringe demos.

So now let’s break down the Wild Card contenders one-by-one, judging them not on their talent, because that’s not what this round is about, but by their position as a pawn in the American Idol Ratings Machine. Remember: the Judges are picking 3 kids from a group of 8 that they chose, which means they believe any of the 8 could:

1. Win the whole show
2. Market to a particular niche
3. Bring in the ratings

You’ll notice none of those were: “Is Talented”

Another quick thing to keep in mind: the Top 12 is traditionally made up of 6 Guys and 6 Girls. Right now we stand at 6 Guys and 3 Girls. So the judges are either picking ALL girls to hit their quota, or they’re picking 1 Guy at most. Bear that in mind when I slice up Matt Giraud.

VON SMITH: They’ve been pimping him since Jump Street, feeding Simon the choice cuts and Extreme Makeovering his douche personality. But don’t we already have a cute bruny guy (Kris Allen)? And a mildly annoying singer (Jorge Nunez)? Someone utterly confused by his own sexuality (Adam Lambert)? And a charity case (Scott MacIntyre)? Also, not to be forgotten, we’re uber-heavy on the Vanilla Men. Von is Gone.

RICKY BRADDY: Virtually non-existent up until the moment he stepped on stage to sing in the semi-finals. Still mostly non-existent. His only chance lies in the fact that the choice is out of our hands. I think Danny, Scott and Kris take his votes every week, making him a pointless choice. Unless Simon wants some decoys to keep Lil Rounds around, Braddy is Gone.

MATT GIRAUD: Moderate coverage during auditions, extended looks during Hollywood Week and given the big dog song for semi’s (Coldplay “Viva La Vida). Too bad he muffed the job by being a shaky, whiny, Jason Segel during the naked break-up scene in Forgetting Sarah Marshall on stage. If the Top 9 weren’t white-heavy, he’d be a lock. But because it is, and because he has no real shot and winning OR selling records, Giraud is Gone.

ANOOP DESAI: Which leaves us with the only non-Caucasian guy in the Wild Card round. And the only guy who has even a remote shot of making the Top 12. He’s Indian, giving him a supes totes leg up, niche audience-wise. He has a fun name to say, which makes Randy happy. And Slumdog Millionaire has turned the world on its Jai Ho ear. If Idol is going for an imbalanced Top 12 (which I think they are), Anoop Dog WILL be in the house.

JESSE LANGSETH: She has one great thing on her side: she has already proved that she can win in a sing off. Her voice is great, looks fantastic, preternaturally poised like Melinda Doolittle when she finally gave up the grift on her “shyness”, has a kid (which is the de rigueur prop for the Girls this year), and generally carries herself like a Top 12-er. I like her a lot, but again, the spunky Caucasian Mom slot has already been taken by Alexis, which means: Langseth is Gone.

JASMINE MURRAY: If there’s one thing American Idol loves it’s a BBV (Big Black Voice). If there are two things American Idol loves, it’s TWO BBV’s. Jasmine is some Beyonce shit right there, ultra-current, marketable and talented. And she’ll keep Lil Rounds honest. Jasmine is IN.

TATIANA DEL TORO: I’m still not completely sure if TPTB keep bringing her back for ratings, or because they actually believe in her promise. She undoubtedly has an amazing instrument, but girl crazy like Margot Kidder off-meds. Wouldn’t she completely destroy the group performances? And whine it up each week, blubbering over every critique and wasting Ryan’s precious number repeating time? Does anyone out there believe she could be a successful solo artist? She’s a HAYUGE ratings grab, but Idol just took out the mockery trash with Normund Gentle. Me thinks they asked the garbagemen to swing back around one more time. Tatiana is Gone.

MEGAN CORKREY: Which leaves us with my Special Needs BOOF. Her voice is totes-pre-meltdown Whinehouse, her voice is unique, her face is flawless, she’s ODD (which Idol loves. Not crazy, like Tatiana, but odd. See: Overmyer, Amanda), and she will be a polarizing performer every week. Also, she’d be the total Dark Horse of the Girls. Think about it: Alexis Grace is the Brooke White, which means Gone, Jasmine is too raw a talent, which means Gone, Lil Rounds isn’t Fantasia and we already HAVE Mary J. Blige, which means GONE, so why couldn’t it be Megan and Danny in the Final 2?

So my picks are: Anoop, Jasmine Murray and Megan Corkrey.

That would give the Top 12 two more minorities, two more unique looks, two more strong vocalists (and Megan) and one absolute contender for the crown (Megan again). Also, the hot quotient would be raised by a factor of ten (did I mention Corkrey is BOOF?).

That’s a Top 12 I’d like to watch. And the Top 12 I hope we get.

Bangarang!