Last Thursday, millions of The OC fans, thousands of Mischa Barton haters, hundreds of snarky entertainment blogs and a handful of Access Hollywood loyalists were stunned when the TV “newsmagazine” stupidly e-mailed out a press release mid-way through the day detailing the spoiler death of Mischa Barton’s insufferable Marissa Cooper on that evening’s season finale. Here’s what the e-mail subject line said:

ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: MISCHA BARTON CONFIRMS HER CHARACTER ON “THE O.C.‿ DIES AND REVEALS WHAT THE SHOW HAS IN STORE FOR FANS

The blogosphere couldn’t decide whom to hate more, Access Hollywood for blatantly ruining the big finale twist, or Mischa Barton for agreeing to dish the news. Even though she had been trying desperately to get canned from the show, no one could believe that she would actually stoop to the level of undercutting the show itself.

Let’s face it, The OC has been suffering for going on two seasons now. Horrible narrative arcs, badly drawn new characters, stranded story lines and the complete obliteration of the once geeky cool Seth Cohen, all contributed to turning the show from the rightful heir to the thrown of cheesy primetime melodramas (passed down from the ages by Dallas, 90210, Melrose Place, and Dawson’s Creek), to a pathetic mess that TRL-screaming teenage girls would run from. It desperately needed an injection of life to close the season and get people interested in coming back for the Fall. What better way to get one than by killing off a main character.

And if someone had to go, I would bet the cast and crew were in agreement that Mischa Barton was the perfect candidate. Rachel Bilson has become the better actress and the hotter property, and Mischa has turned into a complaining, incessantly late, poorly prepared pain in the ass. Absolutely no one wanted to see her and Ryan keep going at it, and since they ran off Olivia Wilde, Mischa wasn’t gonna go back to the pink. She had nothing else to do on the show, and it was the right choice to kill her off. Too bad Mischa lacked the good grace to let the show deliver its big secret and wow its audience.

She sucks for what she did, but the bigger blame should be placed on Access Hollywood. This went beyond bad form; they blatantly broke the rules of proper journalism by reporting on news that had not happened yet. It’s unethical to report events that the public has not bared witness to. And moreover, things like season finale spoilers mean a lot to a lot of people, and to have those spoilers revealed without given the choice to decide whether or not to hear them, cheats the viewers out of the viewing experience they deserve. Akin to critics revealing The Crying Game secret, or as Gawker pointed out, TIME Magazine spoiling the twist in Million Dollar Baby, Access Hollywood had no regard for the work of the production and creative team behind The OC, or for fans of the show.

It would have been one thing had they teased a potential spoiler earlier in the day, and then revealed the spoiler during their airtime, for it’s likely not a lot of OC fans would be watching, and would be blissfully unaware that AH and Mischa had taken a crap on The OC. But issuing a press release in the middle of the day made it news, so it was inevitable that the bloggers would pick it up, and that the major media outlets would soon follow. By the time the show aired in the east you would have been hard pressed to find anyone that hadn’t been spoiled. Even for a tabloid show, this was low. Hell, even E! News Live would have shown enough restraint to wait for the show to air on the East Coast (West Coast gets no respect. No Respect!).

So this pretty much sets the bar for etiquette and journalistic integrity in not only Access Hollywood, but in any tabloid, whether it be print or media. It’s a season finale spoiler today, a Blockbuster movie spoiler tomorrow, soon anyone that walks by a magazine rack or turns on their TV will be unable to avoid getting their entertainment ruined. That day will come. But until then, we have Access Hollywood, working overtime to spoil pop culture for those care about it.

And they won’t stop just because a few blogs got made at them for ruining The OC. Their days of rude, early spoilers will continue. It doesn’t seem even so far-fetched that one day soon you may open up your e-mail to find an Access Hollywood Press Release with these news bites in the subject line.

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: JUST MY LUCK STAR LINDSAY LOHAN REVEALS SHE DOES NOT HAVE A FIRECROTCH, BUT IN REALITY AN ALL-POWERFUL ICECROTCH, AND LETS US IN ON HER PLANS FOR WORLD DOMINATION
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: BRUCE WILLIS CONFIRMS HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY DIE IN THE UPCOMING SEQUEL DIE HARD 4, AND REVEALS WHAT TOUPEES HE’LL BE USING IN THE FUTURE
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: DAVID SPADE CONFIRMS THAT HE AND HEATHER LOCKLEAR ARE NOT IN FACT DATING, BUT THAT THE RUMOR STILL “KICKS A WHOLE LOT OF ASS‿, SPADE ALSO REVEALS THE PLOT BEHIND THE EAGERLY ANTICIPATED SEQUEL TO BENCHWARMERS
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: DA VINCI CODE STAR TOM HANKS CONFIRMS THAT HIS HAIR IS ACTUALLY A PREVIOUSLY EXTINCT FORM OF SEWER RAT, AND CONFIRMS HIS PLANS TO OPEN A CONSERVATORY TO SHELTER AND BREED THE ANIMAL
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: SAMUEL L. JACKSON REVEALS THE SHOCKER THAT THE MUTHAFUCKIN SNAKES ACTUALLY GET OFF THE MUTHAFUCKIN PLANE IN HIS NEW FILM “SNAKES ON A PLANE”
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: THE JAY CONFIRMS THAT HE NOW DEFINITIVELY LIKES RENEE ZELLWEGER, AND REVEALS PLANS TO CONTINUE HIS HATERATION ON GREASE REESE WITHERSPOON
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: DOMINIC MONAGHAN CONFIRMS HE WILL NOT DIE IN THE SEASON FINALE OF LOST, AND REVEALS THAT HE WILL CONTINUE TO SUCK ON THE SHOW FOR THE FORSEABLE FUTURE
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: WILMER VALDERRAMMA CONFIRMS THAT THE ICECROTCH IS AS DEADLY AS REPORTED AND NOT TO BE TRIFLED WITH, AND REVEALS THAT MANDY MOORE ACTUALLY HAS A CANDYCROTCH FILLED WITH GRANULATED SUGAR
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: JOHHNY DEPP CONFIRMS THAT HE WILL CHANGE HIS NAME TO JOHN DEPP, AND REVEALS HIS PLANS TO NO LONGER BE THE COOLEST GUY OVER 40 STILL NAMED JOHNNY
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: HARRISON FORD CONFIRMS THAT HE’LL HAVE A LOVE INTEREST IN THE NEXT INDIANA JONES MOVIE, AND REVEALS THE LOVE INTEREST WILL BE A HANDLE OF CAPTAIN MORGAN PRIVATE STOCK AND THAT THERE’LL BE A STEAMY LOVE SCENE BETWEEN THE TWO
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: DAVID CARUSO CONFIRMS HE IS LEAVING CSI: MIAMI, AND REVEALS HE WILL NOW IMMEDIATELY ASK FOR HIS JOB BACK BECAUSE HE HAS LEARNED FROM PAST MISTAKES
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: KEVIN SMITH CONFIRMS THAT JAY AND SILENT BOB WILL DIE A HORRIFIC DEATH IN CLERKS 2, AND REVEALS PLANS TO IMMEDIATELY BRING THEM BACK FROM THE GRAVE FOR ANOTHER GODDAMN UNNECESSARY JAY AND SILENT BOB MOVIE
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: BILLY BUSH CONFIRMS HE’S REALLY A LEPRECHAUN, AND REVEALS HIS PLANS TO BE THE NEW SPOKESPERSON FOR LUCKY CHARMS
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: OWEN WILSON CONFIRMS THAT HE IS THE REAL “BUTTERSCOTCH STALLION”, AND REVEALS THAT HE WILL ALSO ANSWER TO THE MONIKER “THE CHOCO-LICKING KITTEN”
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: TOM CRUISE CONFIRMS THAT FIANCEE KATIE HOLMES IS REALLY A SCIENTOLOGY ROBOT THAT WAS GENETICALLY ENGINEERED AT THE CELEBRITY CENTER LAB, AND REVEALS WHAT’S IN THE FUTURE FOR THE KATIEBOT 5000
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: BRYAN SINGER CONFIRMS A STUNNING REPORT… IN THE UPCOMING SUPERMAN RETURNS, SUPERMAN WILL IN FACT SAVE THE DAY, AND REVEALS HIS TRICKS BEHIND DIGITALLY REDUCING SUPERMAN’S GINORMOUS BULGE
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: HUGH JACKMAN CONFIRMS THAT WOLVERINE WILL SURVIVE X-MEN: THE LAST STAND, AND FANBOYS REVEAL THEY CAN NOW STEP DOWN FROM THE LEDGE
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: SOCIALITE PARIS HILTON CONFIRMS SHE IS THE REAL FIRECROTCH, AND REVEALS HER PLANS TO CHALLENGE THE ICECROTCH FOR ALL-TIME SLUTTY CELEBRITY CROTCH SUPREMACY
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: RYAN SEACREST CONFIRMS THAT TAYLOR HICKS WILL WIN AMERICAN IDOL, AND REVEALS PLANS FOR KATHERINE MCPHEE TO IMMEDIATELY CHANGE HER NAME TO KATEY AIKEN AND RELEASE AN ALBUM OF SHOWTUNES
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: SANDRA BULLOCK CONFIRMS REPORTS THAT SHE AND CO-STAR KEANU REEVES DO IN FACT END UP TOGETHER AT THE END OF THEIR NEW ROMANTIC DRAMA THE LAKE HOUSE, AND REVEALS PLANS TO MAKE MISS CONGENIALITY 3: SHAMELESS PAYCHECK MOVIE
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: JAMIE FOXX CONFIRMS THAT HE IS IN FACT RAY CHARLES’S ILLEGITIMITE CHILD AND MIAMI VICE CO-STAR COLLEN FARRELL CONFIRMS THAT HE IS IN FACT PERMA-DRUNK, ALSO THE NATION CONFIRMS THEY DON’T CARE ABOUT MIAMI VICE
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: MEL GIBSON CONFIRMS HE’S ACTUALLY CRAZY, AND REVEALS WHAT THE WORLD HAS IN STORE WHEN THE FORTHCOMING APOCALYPSE HITS. THE EARLY WORD FROM THE BRAVEHEART STAR: LOTS OF BIRD ON THE WIRE SEQUELS
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: GEORGE LUCAS CONFIRMS THAT HE IS THE ANTI-CHRIST AND REVEALS HIS PLANS TO BURN THE NEGATIVES OF THE UNTOUCHED ORIGINAL STAR WARS TRILOGY
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: BLACK EYED PEAS SINGER FERGIE CONFIRMS SHE IS REALLY A MAN, AND THE ENTIRE COUNTRY REVEALS WE ALREADY KNEW THAT ONE
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: PRESIDENT BUSH CONFIRMS THAT HE HAS SURRENDERED THE NATION TO THE ICECROTCH, AND REVEALS PLANS TO RENAME THE COUNTRY THE UNITED STATES OF LOHAN

LET THE REIGN OF THE ICECROTCH COMMENCE!

Bangarang!

1. What does the disappointing box office take for M:I 3 mean for the biggest star in the world, our very own Crazy Cruiser?

It means that the Tom Cruise we have come to know and expect on the big screen is gone forever. He can’t do another Mission movie, he probably can’t justify another action movie, it’s doubtful that we’ll still believe him in a drama (ala The Last Samurai), he’s never really done a horror movie, he’s too old for sports movies now and he definitely can’t do a romantic comedy. And TV is definitely out of the question. So it raises the question, is Tom Cruise’s career over?

We might be getting ahead of ourselves, seeing as how M:I 3 did $120 Million worldwide in its first weekend, which is a success by any stretch of the imagination. But things are definitely going to change. The sad fact is that for the last twenty years he has been a dependable, enjoyable big-screen presence, and now we barely find him believable as a human being. All his real-life craziness aside, the death of Tom the Movie Star is a much bigger blow to Hollywood that the death of Tom the Person. Because really, where does he go from here? He can’t go the indie route, because he costs too much money and he would drag down the merits of the film with all his personal baggage. He can’t direct like Clint or Mel or Kevin Costner (And who would want to see A Film By Tom Cruise, anyway?). Anything he produces that he doesn’t star in, tanks (Without Limits, Ask the Dust, Elizabethtown, Suspect Zero). So what else can he do? He’s got to find a way to keep his acting career going.

I think there’s only one thing he can do to fix his image: go into hiding. Just check out and disappear. Take a year or two off, quietly sign on for a well-written drama and then come back on the merits of his acting abilities. The tabloids are fickle and will happily move onto the next celebrity carcass. In two or three years Tom Cruise going batshit crazy will be as well-remembered as Julia’s marriage to Lyle Lovett, Free Winona or Halle Berry pulling a hit and run. We forget this, but he’s done nothing wrong. He hasn’t killed anyone, stolen anything, done drugs, beaten anyone up or had a huge public meltdown (couch-jumping not withstanding). It’s entirely believable that he’s going through a particularly bad mid-life crisis; an affliction many will forgive him for. And besides, short of him being truly sociopathic, a mid-life crisis is the only possible explanation for his bizarre behavior, anyway.

Nineteen years of good standing and tabloid and audience respect do not just vanish into thin air. The man is merely over-exposed and off the grid. If we can bring him back and dry him out, maybe we can get more movies like A Few Good Men and Jerry Maguire out of him. I still like the Tom Cruise I grew up with. And even though I’m enjoying the batshit craziness he has become, I do still cling to the hope that it’s all just one big joke, or one big, ill-conceived phase. Why couldn’t he have a Travolta in Pulp Fiction-like renaissance? The man used to be Tom freakin’ Cruise. He took down Col. Nathan Jessip. He saved the CIA Noc list. He won the Daytona 500. He flew fighter plans in the Gulf. He found someone that completed him. So who’s to say he can’t find his way back to us. Give him time, he’ll figure it out and in the meantime, we’ll be waiting.

2. They kicked off Chris Daughtry??? How’d that happen?

Easily, actually, as he’s been terrible for weeks, but nobody’s noticed because he doesn’t have any competition in his category. Last year Constantine got the surprise boot because he wasn’t as good a rock star as Bo (also because he sucked and had ugly, greasy hair). Had Bo not been there, Constantine would probably have won the whole damn thing. The fact of the matter is that Chris had been mailing in psuedo-rock performances since day one, never deviated from that genre and coasted mostly on his wicked side-burns and slow-burn delivery. When it was finally time to buck up and show his range, he revealed he didn’t have one. Frankly, I’m glad he’s gone. I was never wowed by him, either as a singer or a personality. I was never going to buy a Chris Daughtry album, whereas I will definitely pick up the McPhee-ver LP (Which should be called Katherine McPhee: All Moves, No Fashion Sense).

So with the favorite getting the boot, Idol getting its suspiciously well-timed publicity boost (hmmm…) and all the fans in a tizzy, who’s gonna win this thing now? I continue to believe that America is just dumb enough to give it to Taylor Hicks. Mark my words, in three weeks the next American Idol will be a spastic, manic, grey-haired twang rocker, who will promptly fall off the face of the Earth and then end up cutting the ribbon on mall openings in five years. Mark my words.

3. Will the Lost season finale be any good, or will it as most suspect, suck just as bad as last season’s finale?

It has the potential to go either way, but my gut says it will be a letdown. This season has been off its rails since the second episode, when the writers decided to repeat the first episode FROM A DIFFERENT ANGLE. They killed off all of the Tailies except Eko, making that entire season-long storyline completely pointless. We all knew Henry Gale was an Other, and got strung along for five episodes waiting for him to attack. Sayid and Charlie might as well be Central Casting extras. Jack is as petulant, selfish and pig-headed as ever. The whole word shrugged their shoulders at the Jack-Kate-Sawyer love triangle. Hurley is starting to grate. Claire won’t stop screaming about her BAY-BE! Jin and Sun have no effect on the main story. And are we really still in that goddamn hatch?

Yes, Mike coming back and wreaking havoc is cool. Yes, having Locke and Eko find another hatch is cool (and exposing the button-pushing as the fraud I always knew it was). And yes, a war with The Others sounds cool in theory. But there are so many problems and dropped storylines that I’m beyond frustrated with the show. The only way I’ll be pleased with the finale is if they do six things:

• Bring Desmond back and explain how he got to the island.

• Have Jack and Sawyer actually fight and kill some of The Others.

• Bring Walt back and explain why Shannon saw him mumbling in the jungle.

• Destroy the button pushing computer and just see what happens when the count ends.

• Have the giant Mechanical Mist Monster (remember the monster?) show up on the beach, terrorize the entire cast at once, and then actually tells us what the deal is.

• Kill off Charlie, just because.

4. Does anyone really believe this Denise Richards-Heather Locklear-Richie Sambora-David Spade nonsense, or is it all just an ill-conceived ruse to garner attention and US Weekly covers?

Ill-conceived ruse. You see, this is what you get when Tom Cruise doesn’t plan your media spin. What publicist in their right mind would cast David Spade as Heather Locklear’s rebound guy? What, was Rob Schneider asking for too much money?

5. Will Indy 4 ever happen?

Yes, unfortunately.

But Lucas, Spielberg and Crankypuss Ford should be vary weary of tarnishing their franchise the way the latest Mission movie did, and the way the beloved-Lethal Weapon series went out. Both of those films came out long overdue, were mediocre in comparison to earlier sequels and fans were no longer interested in the characters. While Indy is a canon character and probably more recognizable than Ethan Hunt or Martin Riggs, the caution still applies. The last Indy film came out 17 years ago. So the demo going to the movies the most right know (18-25) was at best a 7 year-old when Indy finally found the Holy Grail (But in Latin, Jehovah starts with an “I”). It’s entirely possible that audiences have moved on. Firewall tanked, and Harrison Ford has done nothing to endear himself to the movie-going public in the last decade. We all know how the fanboys think of Lucas, and Spielberg has had some tumbles lately (Munich backlash, Tom Cruise ruining the BO take of War of the Worlds). Moreover, despite all participants wanting to make the movie, they’ve still been talking about it for 17 years. I’ve personally read three different versions of Indy 4, with one being about Noah’s Ark and Indy having a son with Marion. We’ve heard reports of Kevin Costner signing on as Indy’s brother, that Indy would be fighting aliens at Roswell, that Harrison-squeeze Calista Flockhart would be playing Indy’s love interest and that the title of Indy 4 would be “Indiana Jones and the Opal of the Mer-Man Prince” (this was a joke made by Harrison to a nosy reporter). By this point, no less than 10 big-time screenwriters have taken their crack at the script (including Frank Darabont, Jeff Nathanson and famously, M. Night Shyamalan. No word yet whether or not the big twist would be that Indiana Jones is really a ghost haunting Shortround.).

With so much time, money, energy and bandwidth wasted on Indy 4, it might be time to consider how necessary the film really is. After all, part 3 was called “The Last Crusade” and ended with Indy finding the freakin’ HOLY GRAIL, re-uniting with his father and riding off into the sunset. How do you top that? Harrison is 64 now, and has long since passed the point of believability as an action hero. And the Nazi’s aren’t an attractive villain anymore (Done in, ironically enough, by Spielberg himself with his masterpiece Schindler’s List). The film is carrying such negative buzz and beyond-heightened expectations that in the end, what might be best for all, is to heed the advice of Dr. Henry Jones Sr.: “Indiana… let it go.”

6. Is there anything better to look forward to this summer than the return of Entourage?

Nope.

7. What will “magician” David Blaine choose as his next publicity stunt?

Let me be plainly clear about one thing, I do mean “stunt”, since Blaine long ago stopped trying to do “real” magic. Since when did unnecessary feats of endurance qualify as magic? I’m not saying I could live in a fishbowl for a week and then hold my breath for ten minutes, but if I did, I wouldn’t pop out and say “Ta Da!” I thought the guy was pretty cool back when he was suckering New Yorkers with card tricks, nailing Josie Maran, talking about it on Howard Stern and freaking out the Dallas Cowboys by fake levitating in their locker room, but now I just want him to go away. His work has been all diminishing returns. Pulling out his heart on the Carson Daly show was kick ass (partly because nobody saw it coming, and because he sold it so well). The coffin trick was sort of interesting in a “been there, seen The Vanishing” kind of way. The trapped in ice trick was fake beyond all get out, made even more stupid by the relentless media hype and subsequent (yet inevitable) anti-climax. But hanging out in a water tank for a week? Is this guy desperate for ideas or what? I thought the idea of sitting on a 22-inch board for a day and a half was thin, but a week of scuba diving? Who cares?

Apparently ABC does, because they not only continue to broadcast and subsidize the TV specials, but have already greenlit the next one. Nobody knows what the trick is going to be, but I have some suggestions if Blaine needs some extra brainstorm power.

• Take an IQ Test, then watch a marathon of every season of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, and then re-take the IQ Test. The trick is to keep your IQ above 40.

• Date the Holy Tabloid Trash Triumvirate of Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Jessica Simpson, then find a way to not contract a venereal disease (can’t be done). For extra bonus difficulty, throw in a one night stand with Tara Reid or a make out session with Natasha Lyonne.

• Climb a 300 foot ladder, reach the top, jump to the other side, and GET OVER YOURSELF!

8. Will any man on earth watch The View, now that Rosie O’Donnell is coming aboard?

Not any man who wants to keep his testicles. I’m not sure if Barbara Walters and the producers of this show are the world’s biggest man-hating lesbians, or if they’re trying to lure all of the most annoying women in showbiz into one room so that they can carpet bomb the set and win the Nobel Prize for Humanitarian Efforts. Either way, the male viewership is hitting negative numbers by October.

Rosie O’Donnell has gone so far off the grid that I’m surprised she’s even still allowed on network television. I mean, the supremely funny Sarah Silverman says “kike” on Conan just once and she’s banned from the Big Five for a decade and a half. Yet Rosie inflicted on us the inexorable “Riding the Bus With My Sister”, and she gets one of the most coveted jobs in daytime entertainment. I’m Jewish, and I’m still more offended by Rosie than I am by another Jew using the “K” word. It just shows to go you that Hollywood is a strange, strange place, filled with too many people that like to hear Tom Cruise called a “cutie patootie” at 11am in the morning. And you wonder why I’m so cynical about entertainment.

Good luck keeping your dignity with this one, Babs. I’m sure Hugh Downs is looking down on you from Heaven, so very, very proud of you.

9. Now that LucasFilm has caved to fan pressure and announced that the original versions of the Star Wars Trilogy will be released this fall, does this mean that George Lucas is no longer the anti-Christ?

Well, ask my friends this question and the resounding answer is a big fat “NO WAY!!” While I don’t think he’s the devil that all the fanboys make him out to be, I do agree that he is one of the most cunning, derisive businessmen in Hollywood. All those years refusing to release the OG version was merely chum to boost the interest level. And now that all six films are on DVD he needs another product to pimp. So what does he do? He finally agrees to release the OG versions. Millions of people will buy them, thank the lord that they can finally see Greedo shoot first on DVD, and Lucas’ll continue to rake in the kaysh. Then, a couple years from now, he’ll release Star Wars on 3-D, and everyone will buy that. Then they’ll complain that he only released the special editions on 3-D and there will be a couple years of him adamantly refusing to the release the untouched OG trilogy on 3-D. And one day he’ll agree to do that, too.

The cycle is never-ending. There is no way for every fan to be appeased in the exact manner they require, and George Lucas knows this. And more to the point, he profits from this. If all those screaming Comic-Con geeks would just calm down, ban together and refuse to be pushed around, maybe Lucas would stop whoring his films out in pieces. Maybe he would finally just release the Mega-Ultra-Definitive-Never Again To Be Touched-Use The Force Special Edition with every incarnation of Star Wars that has ever crossed his mind and ever will, and be done with it. But that won’t happen. And we all know this. Because he is (quite possibly) the anti-Christ.

So enjoy buying the Star Wars saga for the fourth time (and counting).

10. What are the odds that The Jay will make it through the series finale of The West Wing without bawling uncontrollably at the loss of his once-beloved TV show?

Exactly 7%. I love me The West Wing something fierce. It will always rank in my Top 5 Favorite TV Shows of All Time. And I will support the core cast in anything they do for the rest of their careers. I owe the show a proper send-off, and maybe someday when I catch up on all the episodes I missed in the 6th and 7th seasons I’ll do that. But for now, I’ll just say thank you and be on my way. Thank you to the incomparable Aaron Sorkin, Tommy Schlamme, John Wells, Deborah Cahn, Allison Janney, Richard Schiff, Martin Sheen, Bradley Whitford and Rob Lowe for crafting one of the finest pieces of entertainment that this online humorist has ever had the privilege of experiencing.

Bangarang! (And good luck, President Santos.)

The question has always been: what decides the best show on Television? Is it the show with the highest ratings, or the show with the most critical acclaim? Few would argue that some combination of The Sopranos, Deadwood, 24 and Lost are the all-around “best” dramatic shows, with maybe Scrubs, The Office, the now defunct Arrested Development and Desperate Housewives as the “best” comedies. But of those eight, which is the king? I would argue that none of them holds the crown.

The best show on television has got to be the one that appeals to and entertains the most number of people. With that logic, there is only one real choice: American Idol.

Idol has been the highest rated show on network television for the last five years (or in other words, since the day the show premiered). It has set ratings records on every night that it has aired, and has helped propel Fox from the network basement to the top of the ratings heap (They jumped from a #4 network to a #2 network, trailing only CSI- I mean, CBS.) Moreover, American Idol affects more people in this country than any other produced piece of entertainment, be it TV or film. The average number of contestant votes for a single episode is more than 35 Million people (in only two hours time). Over the course of the entire season the show will receive more than 400 Million votes. To put that into perspective, on average, 120 Million people vote in the Presidential election. Heck, the bigger debate here could be what’s more important to the people of this nation, voting for President or voting for the next American Idol (Bo Bice for President!).

People live and breathe American Idol. Sure, there are Lost parties and group viewings of Desperate Housewives, but none of that rivals the intensity of Idol fans. My friend Carrie refuses to get a better cell phone because she has the crappy one designed to vote for Idol, and upgrading would mean she couldn’t vote anymore. I know Doctors and nurses who bring TV’s into hospitals in order not to miss watching who gets voted off. I know people who have cell phone bills bigger than rent bills, because they couldn’t stop making sure Scott freakin’ Sabol made it into the Final Five (and you wonder why I am so cynical about entertainment).

No one is immune to this show. Both of my parents watch. My Mom is a new convert, but in only two weeks of her watching the show she already has her favorite Idol and the one she wants to see get kicked off (She likes Ace, so obviously we aren’t on speaking terms right now. Cause I got the McPhee-ver!). Even my friends who hate the show and yell at me for turning to it during the commercials of Lost, they know all the names of the people in the Top 10. It is fair to say that this show has consumed us all.

American Idol is no longer just a television show; it has become a cultural touchstone, a real life event straight out of The Running Man. In much the same way that America was riveted by the first season of Survivor (Go Colleen) and the ungodly awful (but imminently watchable) first season of Joe Millionaire, American Idol has become the watercooler show du jour. In five years, when Teri Hatcher and her housewife cronies have gone the way of the botoxed dung beetle, Ryan Seacrest will still be pleading with us to stay tuned after the break to find out who’s getting voted off. Randy Jackson will still be signing people up for his Dawg Pound, Paula Abdul will still be drunk, medicated, chasing male contestants and botoxed, within an inch of her batshit crazy life. And Simon will still be Simon, creepy flat top and all.

So how is this stupid little talent show so successful? Why is it so beloved?

The answer is simple: deep down we all want to be rock stars. Forget movie stars or athletes or even Presidents, anyone who has ever been to a concert or bought a CD or enjoyed music in any way, shape or form, they all want to be the one holding the microphone. They all want to walk onto that stage with a hundred thousand screaming fans chanting their name, and let out their golden voice to the delight of the world. American Idol, however vicarious, gives people that thrill. And the thrill is attainable because, as the show consistently demonstrates, anybody could be a contestant. There is no requirement for height, weight, age or beauty. Some of the freakiest looking people walking the planet today have been on the show, and gained a huge fan support. (Scott Sabol, the Chicken Little guy from this season, Fantasia, et al). The combination of freak show, talent show and train wreck makes American Idol destination viewing for any true masochistic pop culture lover. It’s the ultimate burning car on the side of the road, the nirvana for rubberneckers.

And it is not humiliating. Every reality show puts their contestants through a degrading, pride-reducing, dignity-stealing obstacle course of some sort, and no one, the show or the contestants, ends up looking or smelling good on the other side. We watch those shows (Fear Factor, The Bachelor, et al) to see people get humiliated, and the people that go on the show know they are being manipulated and look all the more pathetic for towing the line. American Idol has no malevolent force behind it. They are not interesting in making their contestants look bad; in fact it is to their best interest that the Top 12 looks good in the eyes of viewers. They are not trying to abuse these kids, or bleed them dry of humanity or personality. They are simply looking for the person with the best chance of being a successful pop singer. And somewhere between our wanting to be them, and our wanting to tell them to just shut up and get off the stage, lies the reason for the show’s success.

Don’t get me wrong, I know the show is a business, I just admire it for the way it conducts its business. Say what you want about the voting conspiracies, and I have. I like the current myth that the bottom three is chosen at random by the Producers. The one actually getting kicked off is legit, but the other two are arbitrary, and in there to boost the drama. After all, why would you waste the time combing through 35 Million votes to see who placed second? Say what you want about the judges shaky allegiances to bad but popular singers (To the point where Paula sung Chicken Little’s praises, while Simon had to give the kid reverse juju just to get him voted off). And say what you want about the eventual winners (cause like Seacrest says, America did pick ‘em). This is a brilliant production, from the cheesy Ford pimpomercials, to the down home B Roll of idols playing with their families, the Idol producers/writers make better characters out of real people than most television shows do out of fictional ones. After all, what would you rather watch, Katherine McPhee singing or Teri Hatcher pratfalling (Seacrest may be a bit biased on this one)?

To this end, American Idol is much like its own sports league, but with the added bonus that you get to pick a new favorite team every year. And as much as I am a loyal Miami Dolphins fan, I am now equally as loyal to my man Bo Bice (Losing to Carrie Underwood was a good thing, though. His career will be better because of it. Maybe the only time I was happy that my team lost the big game.). Idol breeds loyalty, both good and bad. How else can you explain the inexplicable success of the muppet-like Clay Aiken, or the mop-topped grease ball Justin Guarini? On the other hand, I like that I’m gonna hate some of the contestants. It wouldn’t be as much fun if I couldn’t yell at the screen and hurl obscenities at Constantine. I probably wouldn’t watch the show if it weren’t for all the terrible singers that do so well. You get so engrossed in the impossibility of this no-talent ass clown getting to live their dream on national television (and cashing in as a result of it, ahem Guarini, ahem) that you couldn’t look away if you tried.

And the most brilliant part of it all? The show actually produces talented people out this ridiculous talent show. Bo Bice is stellar, Clay Aiken does have a good voice (and may become the next Barry Manilow, not that we even needed one) and my money is on Carrie Underwood becoming a solid country presence. And best of them all: Kelly Clarkson. Dismissed when she first came out as the lucky winner of a national phenomenon, she has grown to become one of the best pop singers on the market today. I didn’t think much of her when she first came out, but now when I hear her music on the radio I’m singing along like a blonde-haired, gum chewing Valley girl. Since you’ve been gooooone….

American Idol may not receive the type of critical praise that a Lost or a Desperate Housewives gets, but who cares, really? Does any other show bring more people more happiness and satisfaction? Not a chance. So what if it never wins an Emmy, in the course of human events history is written by the winner, and right now (and for the foreseeable future) American Idol is the winner. Make no mistake, American Idol is the best show on television, and you know what, it’s not even close.

Here are my rankings for the current crop of Idol-wannabees, with my prediction for the winner at the end.

1. Katherine McPhee – She has the best voice, appears to have a good head on her shoulders, is gracious in the limelight, and is extremely comfortable on stage. She is pleasant in all the ways you want your pop stars to be pleasant. Too bad she’s gonna lose (Because America is stupid and will probably give it to Ace or some other moron, like Taylor freakin’ Hicks).

2. Chris Daughtry – Call him Bo Bice-lite. I dig the energy, the freaky-ass side burns and the fact that he could care less about being a pop star. He’s probably pushing the hard rock thing just a touch too much, but at least he isn’t singing country music.

3. Mandisa – She’s the Aretha of the group, a great singer with a surprising popularity despite pop music’s pension for making every one into a stick figure. She better hope that her voice and personality can keep her sailing past the Kellie’s and Ace’s that usually get to the finals.

4. Kellie Pickler – She’s dumb as rocks but proud of it. How can you not like a stupid girl that makes no apologies for her lack of intelligence? She’s nowhere near as good as Carrie Underwood, but she is the best eye candy left on the show, which means she’s a shoo-in for the final five.

5. Paris Bennett – Weird, scrunchy face, but a beautiful smile and a top notch pedigree. I’m on the side of Simon regarding her baby doll Beyoncé performance, but I still like her. Probably the best trained singer in the group.

6. Ace – His falsetto is uncomfortable, his hair is kinda creepy and he should have never sung a Train song if he really wanted my vote. But he’s gonna be with us for a while because the girls think he’s cute. Have I mentioned yet how much I hate America for voting for scuzzballs like this?

7. Elliot Yamin – Who let a hobbit onto American Idol?

8. Bucky Covington – I can’t understand a word that is coming out of his mouth. Not that it matters, he’ll be gone in two weeks and I’ll never have to think about him again.

9. Taylor Hicks – Shut! Up! Taylor! Hicks! I don’t like your graying Steve Martin-wannabe 29 year-old hair, I don’t like your cheesy dancing or your Joe Cocker-wannabe act and I don’t like your voice. You’re barely getting by on charisma alone, and trust me, it won’t be enough. Sooner or later you’re gonna have to calm down with all your OCD mannerism crap and just give it to us straight. And if you think I’m wrong, well then I got two words for you: Constantine Maroulis.

My Prediction for the Next American Idol: Katherine McPhee

I got a McPhee-ver and the only prescription is….

Bangarang!

The other night I sat down to write a new piece that was about anything but the Oscars (finally). So I checked my usual sites, looking for a subject, looking for inspiration. As it turns out, inspiration is hard to come by on the Internet. I checked sports sites, trivia sites, gossip sites, movie and TV sites, book sites, blogs, news sites, myspace, and anywhere else I could think to go to. But I found nothing. At the risk of writing in hyperbole, but right now, there is absolutely nothing going on of any interest.

The Oscars are over, TV is mostly in reruns and midseason pick-up ads, sports is failing miserably with the WBC and those pathetic Olympics, the gossip scene is thin and besides, who cares to read anymore about the Lohan’s, Paris’s and Brangelina’s of the world. And worse yet, there hasn’t been a single decent movie to come out this year, with very little to look forward to on the horizon. Yes, it’s a light time right now. In other words, it’s hard out here for a blogger…

I’m going to spend the next few days brainstorming good column ideas and watching as much entertainment as I can, in my search for inspiration (I have the Crispin Glover movie Willard going on in the background right now, so you know, the search is starting out pretty poorly). But until the divine hits me, or I grow impatient and bang out another “Crash sucks” piece, I did want to post SOMETHING. So I started coming up with lists of things to write about, and just as quickly, an idea came.

Lists.

And so I started listing things, pop culture-like things. And it should due for now. I promise thicker, funnier content as the ides of March roll on, but until then, please enjoy my Top 5 lists.

Top 5 Upcoming Films I Am Dying To See

1. Miami Vice
2. A Scanner Darkly
3. Nacho Libre
4. Snakes on a (Muthafuckin) Plane
5. Clerks 2

Top 5 Potentially Awesome Future Oscar Hosts

1. Jim Carrey
2. Conan O’Brien
3. George Clooney
4. Bonnie Hunt
5. Tom Cruise (Just Kidding!)

Top 5 Favorite Random Facts About Chuck Norris

1. Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
2. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
3. Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.
4. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
5. In the beginning there was nothing…then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said “Get a job”. That is the story of the universe.

Top 5 Sequels I Never Want To See

1. Crash 2: Revenge of the Fender Bender
2. King Kong 2: Less Monkey, More Adrien Brody
3. Duece Bigalow 3: Stop Employing Rob Schneider
4. Rumor Has It… This Sequel Sucks
5. The Revenge of the Christ

The Top 5 Worst Films Released So Far This Year

1. Hostel
2. Freedomland
3. Underworld: Evolution
4. Big Momma’s House 2
5. When A Stranger Calls

Top 5 Discarded TheJay.com Post Ideas

1. The Case For: King Kong, Best Picture Winner
2. Dolph Lundgren: The Greatest Action Star Ever (Actually this would be kind of cool.)
3. Why Paris Hilton Will One Day Win An Oscar
4. 50 Reasons Why I Like Renee Zellweger
5. Keanu Reeves: Misunderstood Genius, A Five Part Series (Actually I am doing this one, but it will be called “Keanu Reeves is my Favorite Actor. Seriously.”)

Top 5 Summer Films That Will Suck. Trust Me.

1. Little Man
2. The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift (Wouldn’t a better subtitle be: “3rd Gear”?)
3. Garfield 2
4. Superman Returns
5. Poseidon

Top 5 TV Shows That Just Need To End Already. It’s Time.

1. The West Wing
2. Scrubs
3. The O.C.
4. Charmed
5. Will & Grace

Top 5 Pieces of Entertainment I Have Recently Enjoyed

1. She’s The Man – Who knew I’d like an Amanda Bynes movie?
2. Elroy Nights – A wonderful, lyrical book by the famed Southern writer Frederick Barthelme.
3. Poolhall Junkies – It’s not Shakespeare, but it is a cool little indie starring a trove of excellent actors, led by the inimitable Christopher Walken (He has a monologue about lions that is tremendous, and vintage-Walken. He should be required to show up in every movie and recite some crazy speech, just to make it better; no film could not be improved by more Chirstopher Walken.).
4. Pros vs. Joes – I like this show so much that I can’t do it justice with a one-liner. As The Sports Guy would say, this definitely deserves it’s own column at some point.
5. Gilbert Gottfried: Dirty Jokes – I hate Gilbert Gottfried and I still loved this CD. It’s raunchy, it’s offensive and it made me laugh harder than anything I can remember lately.

Top 5 Most Overrated Current TV Shows

1. Desperate Housewives
2. Lost
3. Grey’s Anatomy
4. The Sopranos
5. 24

Top 5 Most Underrated Current TV Shows

1. Boston Legal
2. Battlestar: Galactica
3. Veronica Mars
4. Smallville
5. Out of Practice

Top 5 Funniest Wedding Crashers Movie Quotes

1. “I’m a cocksman!”
2. “Just the tip. Just for a second. Just to see how it feels.”
3. “Rule #76: No excuses. Play like a champion!”
4. “You shut your mouth when you’re talking to me.”
5. “I’d like to be cowboys from Arizona or pimps from Oakland but it’s not Halloween. Grow up.”

Top 5 Worst Bruce Willis Action Movies

1. Mercury Rising
2. Striking Distance
3. The Jackal
4. The Siege
5. Tears of the Sun

Top 5 Reasons Lost has Gone Off Its Rails

1. Michelle Rodriguez
2. Kate and her pretty pony
3. Way Too Much Tailies, Way Too Little Sayid, Hurley and Mr. Eko
4. Enough with the hatch, tell me more about the Others, already!
5. Seriously, a freakin pony?

Top 5 Most Annoying Things About MySpace

1. People Who Overuse the Bulletins To Post Useless, Annoying Crap That Nobody Cares About.
2. Friend Requests from people I don’t know. Go away, whores!
3. People With More Than 150 Friends. Dude, seriously, you don’t know that many people.
4. Clicking on a friend’s page and getting assaulted with a design for their page where you can’t see anything.
5. People bugging you about why they aren’t in your “Top Eight”. You’re not there, because I don’t like you. Climb a ladder and get over yourself.

Top 5 Celebrities Couples That Must Be Stopped

1. Brangelina
2. Britney and Kevin
3. TomKat
4. Lindsay Lohan and Cocaine
5. Vaughniston

The Top 5 Saddest Things in Entertainment So Far This Year

1. The decline of Scrubs (Damn you Zach Braff, can’t you at least try to act like you want to be there?)
2. The sad realization that Harrison Ford as we know him (believable action hero) is gone forever.
3. The look on Brad Pitt’s face every time Angelina drags him to another United Nations event.
4. Paul Giamatti losing out on a much-deserved Oscar… again.
5. The sad realization that Katie Holmes will never be “that hot girl from Dawsons Creek who got naked in the Gift” ever again.

Top 5 Most Embarassing DVD’s That I Own

1. Godzilla: Special Edition
2. Best of the Best 2 (Not nearly as cool as the original. James Earl Jones ruled in that one!)
3. Oscar (But at least I don’t own Stop, or My Mom Will Shoot!)
4. The O.C. – Season One
5. Practical Magic (Not only have I unwrapped it, it’s gotten a lot of play time.)

Bangarang!

We’re now officially two months into the new TV season, and halfway through November sweeps, so it’s time to start taking stock. Networks are making their moves, canceling, rescheduling, and retooling, and viewers have started making their firm decisions. There have been a slew of quality rookie shows that are connecting with audiences (Bones, Everybody Hates Chris), as well as a group of veteran shows that are frustrating (Lost, Desperate Housewives) and confounding (The West Wing) loyal viewers. With so much to watch and so much going on, I decided to grade all the shows that I watch (probably around 40% of all primetime network shows), and give each network its own report card.

The grades are in and the big boys have been put on notice. It’s time to start studying for midterms, and they’re gonna be a bitch (especially you, Lost).

ABC

• Boston Legal– It may be fighting a losing ratings battle to SVU, but damn if it doesn’t bring me such enjoyment. Love Denny Crane, love The Spader, love me some Candice Bergen. This is the funniest drama on television. Grade: A

• Commander in Chief– Boring. Even the Species chick can’t hold my interest. The only possible way I’ll tune back in is if I see Species girl stick her tongue through the back of Donald Sutherland’s throat. And even then I may not stay past the first commercial. Grade: F

• Desperate Housewives – Still don’t watch the show, still could care less about any of it. But I have been reading all the articles on how “off” the show is. I’m no expert, but when you’re frustrating viewers in your second year, it doesn’t bode well for the future. Grade: B-

• Freddie – I don’t always catch the show, but I find myself wanting to, which I guess counts for something. The show is watchable, I laugh a good laugh at least twice each episode and the Brian Austin Green career revival is my favorite out of the blue trend of the fall. Grade:C+

• Grey’s Anatomy – The biggest bright spot of the fall. I missed the boat in the first season, but am eagerly catching up to it now. Great, neurotic writing, with personality and character to spare. I’m glad the show is breaking out of the Desperate-shadow and winning ratings battles on its own merit. Grade:A

• Invasion – I gave the pilot a shot, and have tried to break into the impenetrable plot, but find myself continually bored and put off. I like me some William Fichtner, but I’m officially giving up on it. I’ll check back in if the show makes it to next season, or if somebody starts telling me what the hell is in the water. Grade: C-

• Lost– Frustrating to say the least, agonizing to say more, this is easily my biggest disappointment of the new season. I don’t think they’ve put together a great episode from start to finish, all season. And if I have to watch another episode about what happened in the previous episode, BUT FROM A DIFFERENT ANGLE, I may give up altogether. Seriously Lost, nobody cares about these new cast members, so just tell us more about the Hatch, show us some more Evangeline T & A, lose Michelle Rodriguez, and stop killing off all the pretty people. Grade:B-

• Night Stalker – Solid pilot, great cast (who knew Mr. Charlize Theron was such a promising TV lead), and a much needed jolt of scary television… too bad nobody is watching. Grade: B

ABC’s Overall Network Grade: B+

CBS

• Ghost Whisperer – Jennifer Love Hewitt has a successful television show. Verily, the apocalypse is nigh upon us, make haste to spare the women and children. Grade: C

• Out of Practice – I like this show. I’ve watched more episodes that I’ve missed, and I laugh more often that I roll my eyes. Like the cast, like the concept, like the whole thing. Grade: B+

• Threshold – Totally dug the pilot, but now I find myself surprisingly apathetic to the show. I don’t try to seek it out, and I never remember to tape it. I still love Carla Gugino, but I think I’m over this show. Grade: C

CBS’s Overall Network Grade: C+

FOX

• Arrested Development – A FANtastic show. Top notch writing, stellar cast, subtly brilliant camera work and set design. Aside from the fact that they can’t attract viewers to save their lives, this is the most perfectly constructed television show currently on the air. The fact that FOX would even think about considering canceling this show makes me insane. There has to be a line drawn in the sand where the networks side with quality over money. I just wish I knew where that line would be. Grade: A

• Bones – Aside from the glorious cheesiness that is David Boreananas (sp?), this show bores me to tears (…or Boreanazas’ me to tears! Thank you, thank you, I’ll be here all week). And yet, people like it. If this show can be a hit, than procedural shows have truly become the defining genre of the new millennium. Grade: C+

• House – I like the character, but I’m not wild on the show itself. Unless a supporting cast member steps up to the plate, I predict a slow decline over the next season and a half, until the inevitable FOX third year cancellation syndrome goes into effect. Grade: B

• The O.C. – This show has gone to the dogs. I don’t even recognize it anymore, and they haven’t changed the cast since the pilot. This is now just another great first year FOX show that turns out to be a flash in the pain. Eighteen months ago I was swearing at the altar of Josh Schwartz, and now I think they should just put the show down like a sick puppy. Grade: D

• Prison Break – This, like Desperate Housewives, is a success despite my understanding or enjoyment of it. I tried to like the overly complicated pilot. I even tried to appreciate the awesomeness that is Robin Tunney. But I just can’t. There’s far better TV out there for me to waste my time on the likes of this, a classic first year FOX phenomenon (see above) if there ever was one. Grade: C-

• Reunion – Probably the most interesting new concept of the fall, but completely ruined by a cast that has a combined acting IQ of 85. What a waste of that hottie from The O.C. Grade: D

• The War at Home – Cheap, Married With Children knock off. And Michael Rappaport, I know Al Bundy. I’m friends with Al Bundy. And you sir, are no Al Bundy. Grade: F

FOX’s Overall Network Grade: D (Automatic half grade drop for the boneheaded decision to cancel Arrested Development.)

NBC

• Joey – The most expensive mistake on television. The first season didn’t work, so they retooled. Newsflash: The second season doesn’t work any better. NBC needs to do a gut check, swallow the bill, and abort this albatross. At this point, it’s doing less harm to the network, and more harm to the legacy of Friends. Grade: F

• Law & Order: SVU – A solid, consistently compelling hour of television. You can always count on this show to give you the goods. It’s just too bad I completely ignore it to watch Boston Legal. Grade: A

• Medium – The Lady turned me on to this, and I’m eternally grateful. I didn’t give the show a chance last season, but now that I have, I’m hooked. Creator Glen Gordon Caron is a brilliant writer, and I’m so glad he now has a second classic show on his resume (after Moonlighting). Grade: A

• My Name is Earl – A funny show that’s not nearly “funny” enough. I’m always a fan of Jason Lee, so his success is earned in my book, I just hope they can keep the level of quality up throughout the run of the show, and that this doesn’t become a first season fluke. Grade: B+

• Scrubs – NBC loses points for keeping my favorite show of the air. Give me back my J.D. and my Dr. Cox! Grade: Incomplete

• Surface – Every season needs some goofy, campy fun and this show is it. I doubt it has the drawing power to keep me interested for the long haul, but I do find myself intrigued every time I pass it on the dial. Grade: B-

• The West Wing – I came back for the debate, and was not amused. I stand by my decision to leave this show, and have signed and dated the divorce papers. It was good while it lasted, but I’m glad it’s over. Grade: D

• Will & Grace – Go away. Grade: D-

NBC’s Overall Network Grade: C-

The WB

• Smallville – How is this show still on? I caught the Lois Lane-as-stripper episode, and shook my head at it the entire time. Clark is a jackass, Lex still isn’t evil, and they’ve resorted to bringing in Aquaman to boost ratings. And the scary part? Its working. Smallville consistently beats Joey in the ratings. I just don’t understand this country. This you watch, but not Arrested Development? Grade: C

• Supernatural – A great, eerie pilot, with two very likeable leads. It won’t be the next X-Files, but it can expect a long run on a grateful network desperate for a new franchise hit. Grade: B

The WB’s Overall Network Grade: C- (Automatic half grade drop due to The WB still putting 7th Heaven on the air)

UPN

• Everybody Hates Chris – The buzz was earned, and the hype is deserved. This is a funny show. Too bad it’s on UPN and nobody watches it. Grade: A

• Veronica Mars – The show has dipped a bit in quality, but still remains one of the best shows on television. I love that it doesn’t follow any traditional story structure, and that it shows up like it belongs on some alien version of television, where the networks let the shows figure themselves out, and don’t kill them off with the first sign of ratings trouble (I’m looking right at you, FOX.). If the show can keep up the cool cameos (Kevin Smith, Joss Whedon) and the quality writing, it has the makings of becoming UPN’s first signature show. -Grade: A

UPN’s Overall Network Grade: B (Automatic one grade drop because these are only two shows on the entire network worth watching at all.)

So this is how it all breaks down: For my money, ABC has the best all around group of shows, UPN is beginning a rise to greatness, the WB is stuck in the mud, CBS can’t be bothered to try something new, too busy they are counting their CSI money, NBC is growing a nice stable of shows, but has a long way to go, and FOX should be taken out back and shot.

It’s a fairly open season so far… the big guns are firing hard, the expected duds, well, dud-ed, and the mid-range shows are trying hard to be as unique as possible. Yes, there is much to like, much to loathe and much too look forward to. The new fall season of television, gotta love it.

Bangarang!