Television

In the wake of a raft of reasons to never look at a member of the opposite sex again, let alone date them: Chris Brown whomping on Rihanna, Beyonce repping Single Ladies whilst married to an impossibly rich impresario, Dan and Serena just never getting a fair shot, the possibility that dating a cute dying guy could result in him haunting you for eight excruciating episodes only to find out that you’re dying, too, the entirety of He’s Just That Into You (excepting Ben Affleck), I wanted to give my lonely-hearted geeks out there a little reminder that it’s gonna be OK.

It’s OK that you had no one special in your life on Valentine’s Day. It’s OK that you weren’t shelling out insane amounts of money to take someone to a fancy restaurant and pay for bland food from a prixe fix menu. It’s OK that that cute boy or cute girl turned you down, broke up with you, or doesn’t know you exist. It’s OK to be on your own.

I am. I spend Valentine’s Day pouring wine for 50 couples and then went to a play with some friends, came home and watched Jonas Bros (no “the” anymore) ruin Alec Baldwin’s SNL. And you know what? It was excellent. Well, not the Jonas Bros part, obvs.

My point is this: It’s all going to be OK. Know how I know that?

Because this guy:

Is engaged to this girl:

And this guy:

Is engaged to this girl:

Do you see? Anything is possible. And nothing matters, not even looks, when you’re funnysmartandgreat (Britney said that shit, and she can make a dance floor into a circus, so you know it’s true.). Be your great, geeky self and fantastic people will come into your life.

And it’s not just geeky guys. All my geekettes out there, Tina Fey is not making myths. Check out who Jon Hamm is with in real life:

If that butterface can snag the most handomest handsome that ever handsomed, there is hope for anyone.

But, just so you don’t think I’m setting outrageously unattainable expectations about the dating world, let me clarify: realign your expectations, you will not be dating Christina Hendricks or Jon Hamm anywhere in the near future.

Even in real life, people who look like this still end up together:

Look: I have no allusions that Natalie Portman and I will bump into each other on the street and it’ll be like that Mad About You episode where Paul and Jamie Buchman had never met and when they saw each other they just knew, and he goes “Let’s go home” and they live happily sitcom-ed ever after (her malignant forehead, notwithstanding). That ain’t happening. But I’m not gonna dwell on my singledom, either. And neither should you.

But in a world where David Spade knocked up a Playboy Playmate, David Silver is banging Megan Fox, Julia Roberts once married Lyle Lovett and Jimmy Fallon married an old person, it’s time we take a page not from ludicrous Kate Hudson romcoms, but from (celeb)reality. And to consider that though he’s just not into you, maybe you’re just not into that douche, either.

How about we just pull a Kelly Taylor and choose ourselves? Look how well that worked for her: she got addicted to coke, burned in a fire, recruited by a cult, shot in the stomach, nearly killed by Tracy Middendorf, knocked up and then ditched and now works for her old High School. But she looks FABulous.

And if you’re still down about a having had a lonely V-Day, let me end with this: guys, at least you’re not this fucker, and girls, at least you’re not dating him.

See? Things are already looking up.

Bangarang!