Class dismissed.
Bangarang!
Television
Idol Gives BOOF!
Ever wanted to see what it looks like when a person goes on an audition and gets the part, in the room, in the middle of things, and knows it?
This is BOOF-tastic 20 year-old Casey Carlson:
A petite bruny stunner on the order of Rachel Bilson, likeable to beat the band, with a Southern song voice twang that would get Carrie Underwood ruffled, and a punim that could break the JDate network server; basically, she’s everything the Disney Channel wants Selena Gomez to be, but never will.
This is her audition. Try and spot the moment where she wins, and knows it:
Did you see it? No? Let me show you the timeline of events:
1:50 - Casey walks into the room, giggles, and I watch her do so again, twelve more times on a loop.
1:48 - I start randomly humming Phantom Planet’s “California”.
1:43 - Casey makes a dumb joke about her name that I will ignore because she’s cuter than Sophia Bush covered in puppies.
1:36 - Somewhere in San Francisco, the lead singer of Third Eye Blind just stepped back from that ledge, my friend.
1:30 - She starts singing Vanessa Carlton’s “A Thousand Miles”, directly at Simon (because she knows the score). Michelle Branch immediately retires.
1:25 - Simon smiles the smile of a man who just found ten million dollars in his jeans pocket. And somewhere in LA, Vanessa Hudgens grips Zac Efron’s hand a bit tighter.
1:22 - There it is. Casey sees it, gets it, and begins considering potential hairstyles for the Idol finale. Maybe an up-do, with some surprise bangs? (Did you catch the little knee bend she does after making the face? Totes uh doors.).
:51 The judges jump all over themselves to send her to Hollywood. The room REEKS of synergy.
:27 - Casey breaks down into happy tears, and skips out of the room. I take a cold shower.
Back to the moment… So, yeah, does she kind of resemble the Wicked Witch of WeHo in that moment to such a degree that my soul is liquified worse than when I look at the KINGS poster?
Sure. But when she also resembles this, I’m OK with it:
In that Reese-faced moment, Casey got the golden ticket and the backing of Simon Cowell, the support of Kara (cause even her staunch feminism can recognize and respect a Kat McPhee) and all but assured herself a place in the Top 36, my list of Early American Idol Favorites, and the hearts of every pseudo-Seth Cohen walking the planet.
(It also doesn’t hurt that, apparently, she’s a bikini model. Somewhere in Burbank studio apartment, Antonella Barba just changed her Myspace mood to “hopeful” to “sour”.)
Mark my words, I will be TiVo single-blooping Casey Carlson until May.
Bangarang!
Not Ryan Seacrest’s Finest Hour
We’ve all done stupid things when we weren’t thinking. Tripped in front of a crush, walked into traffic cause you were distracted by a song you were singing in your head (Beyonce “Halo”, obvs), asked an overweight woman when the baby was due. Heck, once I bought a ticket for Sweet Home Alabama, and stayed for the whole thing!
But trying to high-five a blind guy? Not too many people do that one.
I like me some Ryan Seacrest, and I’ll defend his hosting skills as vehemently as I do Keanu’s acting talents, but this? Yeah, I don’t think I can get my boy’s back here. But for all the great moments in Idol History Ryan has given us, I will give it a shot. Excitement over a nice guy getting a chance? Got lost in the spirit of the moment? Maybe… an overwhelming, soul-consuming desire to be liked? One could even make a case for Ryan forgetting Scott MacIntyre was blind because the guy was so capable. Yeah? No?
Alas, in the end, no matter the reason or excuse, Ryan Seacrest still tried to high-five a blind guy.
Tact with the Handicapped? FAIL.
Hey Ry? Maybe you should stick to rolling your eyes at the flame-outs, having big arms, pretending you hate Simon, abusing the pregnant pause and cringing when nearly-naked girls with bitchfaces try to mack down on you. It’s a lot more your speed. I don’t know, it’s just a thought…
Bangarang!
A Note to the HFPA on the Subject of “Acting”
To the Hollywood Foreign Press:
“Acting” is the embodiment and execution of emotion and story as performed through a human vessel. It is the creation of energy and magic. It is reading words on a page and giving them life and pain and joy and intrigue. It is the art of playing pretend, well.
Allow me now to give you a visual example of excellence in the craft of acting.
THIS is acting:
Haunting, mysterious, sexy, subtle, instantly engaging. And he’s only walking down the street and doing a voice-over.
Now.
THIS is the opposite of that:
Gabriel Byrne doing Gabriel Byrne, as played by Gabriel Byrne. What it is NOT, is “acting”.
Hollywood Foreign Press Association, you have exactly one year to figure out a way to learn yourself an education. This mistake will not be tolerated a second time. And you do NOT want Don Draper coming to you for an apology.
And no, awarding Mad Men as Best TV Drama does not count. That’s just fact.
Bangarang!
I Will Now Sell Three Copies of the Mad Men Original Score
In the best piece of music news since Britney Spears went to the Circus, Mad Men, the absolute, no-questions-asked, don’t you DARE say “The Wire” is better cause NO, one day I will marry January Jones, kids named Glenn are not to be trusted, don’t EVER mess with Joan Halloway, BEST show on television, is FINALLY releasing a CD of Original Score. Composed by David Carbonara, releasing on the 13th, the haunting melodies that underscore the haunting Don Draper middlle distance monologues can be yours to keep.
Do I even need to tell you why you should own this? Didn’t think so.
But in case you have massive, detrimental indecisiveness, let me learn you an education: there are only 4 reasons why someone would not purchase this album IMMETES:
1. You are hearing-impaired.
2. You are dead.
3. You have never seen or heard of Mad Men, which, in that case, get the hell off my website. I don’t even want to KNOW you.
4. You are the ACTUAL FICTIONAL CHARACTERS in Mad Men, hear the music over your daily lives, and thus, have no use for the score. Also, CD’s don’t exist in 1962.
For EVERYone else, get to it.
Bangarang!
Why Does This Poster LIQUIFY My Soul?
…and I don’t even KNOW what it’s about!
Google Search: “Kings” + “NBC”
ENGAGE!
From NBC.com/Kings:
“Kings” is an inspiring exploration of the timeless David vs. Goliath struggle. The show is set in a modern metropolis under siege where the fighting has gone on for too long and cost far too many lives. When David Shepherd (Christopher Egan, “Resident Evil: Extinction”), a brave young soldier, rescues the king’s (Golden Globe winner Ian McShane, “Deadwood”) son from enemy territory, he sets events in motion that will finally bring peace. Suddenly, David is thrust into the limelight, earning the affections of women — including the king’s daughter. When he’s promoted to captain, he becomes the reluctant poster boy for hope. But for David, the line between his allies and enemies will blur as the power players in the kingdom go to great lengths to see him fall. From the director (Francis Lawrence) of the blockbuster movie “I Am Legend” comes the ultimate story of David vs. Goliath, and there’s no telling who will win. Sebastian Stan (“Gossip Girl”) also stars.”
Aaaaand you lost me at “From the director (Francis Lawrence) of the blockbuster movie “I Am Legend”. Maybe a trailer will help?
Well, at least the poster is soul-stompingly beautiful.
I swear, the first time I saw it, I almost caused a Blues Brothers-style 87 car pile-up at Ventura and Laurel Canyon. I took one look at it, cocked my head and my brain corkscrewed.
Is it the butterfly logo that almost appears to be… smiling? Or the blast of light illuminating the brilliant orange of the flag, creating a halo of fire? Is it the way the flag-bearer has his head turned just so, accepting of his fate, but defiant in his actions, with his fist firm and his back held high and strong?
Don’t know, don’t care. Any poster for a TELEVISION SHOW that can lay bloody waste to my mindgrapes is alright by me.
Bangarang!
Chandler Bing Offers 7 Responses To Jennifer Aniston’s Nude GQ Cover
1 - “I thought you said the cover was gonna be business casual?”
2 - “All right, you will notice that I am fully dressed. I, in turn, have noticed that you are not. So in the words of A. A. Milne, “Get out of my men’s magazine, dillhole!”
3 - “Does anyone else have the sudden urge to go vote?”
4 - “Stop blogging! You are ruining Nude Jennifer Aniston Day!”
5 - “Oh man, in my next life, I’m coming back as a bottle of Mystic Tan!”
6 - “Uh, Jen, did I ever tell you about the time I was backpacking through Western Europe?”
And, of course:
7 - “Could she BE wearing any less clothes?”
Bangarang!
