The O.C.

20 Thoughts On Navigating The New TV Season

Sep 26th, 2006
by Jason Matthews.
14 comments

Let’s do an exercise together. Imagine you’re looking at a big board, and on that board are the primetime lineups of all five major television networks. You can see all their shows, from Monday to Sunday. Scan over the names, making sure to take a moment to refresh yourself with the history of each. Done? OK, now, tell me if you can name just one hour long drama that’s past its fourth year of existence right now, and that doesn’t involve a CSI, NCIS, L&O or Keifer Sutherland. Take your time, I’ll wait. Still thinking? Alright stop, I’m going to save you the time. There’s only three of them, and they’re all on The CW: 7th Heaven, Gilmore Girls and Smallville. One stole a timeslot from a far superior show (Everwood), one needs to be put down like a sick goat (suck on that, Lorelai!) and the other is only still on because Kristin Kreuk is really REALLY pretty. Basically, none of them remain on television because of some undying loyalty to quality; the CW needed a few flagships for their underwhelming puke green-infused launch, end of story.

Here’s the point of the exercise: don’t believe the hype that television has gotten exceedingly better. It hasn’t.

Reality shows ravaged the industry. The immediate and intense success of a slew of cheap to produce reality shows (The Bachelor, Survivor, Joe Millionaire, et al) caused the premature and merciless cancellation of countless network primetime shows. When the networks saw they could retain their ratings and shares but at nearly half the cost they didn’t think twice about axing the clever, yet rating challenged budget behemoth on Tuesday nights at 9pm. And while the dumber parts of the American viewing public made away like bandits in this arrangement, the people that hope and pray for just a few hours of quality television each week were slapped in the face and made to look elsewhere. I was one of those slapees.

I tried Spike and The Shield. I watched FX and Nip/Tuck (though not Rescue Me. I can’t watch Denis Leary as a serious actor. He will always be Edgar Friendly from Demolition Man to me. Which reminds me, mmmm ratburger!). I attempted to sit through the Comedy Central rotation of mediocrity (Hey Drawn Together! What’s up? Cool. Later. P.S. You suck.). I slogged my way through the “high brow” reality crapola (basically anything on Bravo). Nothing I watched was ever as good as the top of the heap primetime dramas that reigned in the pre-Reality era. I’m talking Clooney and Goose-era ER, Franz’s ass-era NYPD Blue, Sorkin-era West Wing, anything David E. Kelly made before Calista Flockhart turned to stone, Buffy before UPN got their mitts on it, hell, even Dawson’s Creek for a little while. Good shows were all over the place back then.

And they stayed on long enough to build their worlds and attract an audience. Shows premiering today get two episodes tops before the networks pull the plug. This last spring, you couldn’t trip over a tranny on Santa Monica Blvd. without seeing Heather Graham’s smiling face blonding back at you. I didn’t even see her show and I love me some Rollergirl. Why didn’t I watch it? Cause ABC canceled it after one airing. One! Pilots suck in general. By design they’re not meant to be the best episode of the series. So how can you judge a show based on its rookie twenty-two minutes? I’m tired of getting hyped up all summer only to tune in and have my time wasted when Wonderfalls, The Inside, Karen Sisco, Surface, Threshold, Jack and Bobby, Skin, Night Stalker, Miss Match, Miracles, Lyon’s Den, Line of Fire, Life As We Know It, John Doe, Boomtown, etc get yanked almost immediately.

Yes, there is a lot of good television. HBO still makes great stuff. Two out of the three Law and Order’s are quality. House, 24, Veronica Mars, Lost, and Boston Legal all get my attention week in and week out. The networks are too gun shy right now. Remember, ABC originally gave Grey’s Anatomy a midseason nine episode run, and it’s only because they followed the first season Desperate Housewives phenomenon that the show even attracted an audience. Veronica Mars was the best show on television two years ago. Today they have a thirteen episode commitment from a network that has absolutely NOTHING to run its place should it be canceled. House is fading, nobody likes Desperate Housewives anymore, 24 is only on for half the season, NBC relegated the flagship L&O to the wasteland of Friday’s (where they’re not sure the show can even compete with Rob Morrow and the menschy jewish kid from Addams Family Values), The Sopranos is done, and ER is a mess that won’t go away.

Gone are the days when a Third Watch can survive on Mondays for six seasons. Felicity would never last today. Double that for Boston Public, Angel, Providence, Judging Amy, Charmed and Alias. The current best shows on television are in their third seasons at best. We’re only now seeing a rebirth in series loyalty and longevity. While this fall has the best new slate of shows in nearly a decade, let’s hold off announcing the awesomeness of network television until at least one of them makes it past Christmas. I refuse to get attached to another show only to see it go weakly into the May sweeps night, fading into network obscurity like so many I’ve loved before (R.I.P Undeclared).

But I think I have a solution to my problem…

I’m going to watch everything. Every single new show. I’m going to try them all once. If it doesn’t make me throw up a little in my mouth, it gets a second chance. If it never gets better I won’t watch past the third episode (peace out Justice, Happy Hour, Vanished and Til Death). But I will watch everything. And by watching everything I’ll truly know what’s worth spending my time on. The goal is to catch all 26 new shows and do a sweep of all 55 returning shows and then eventually whittle it down by quality until I’m only watching 10 on a weekly basis. Ten would seem like a lot, but I have presets built in – I’m required to watch Lost, Grey’s, House, Veronica Mars, How I Met Your Mother and in the Spring, Scrubs – so I’m really only looking to five slots. By loyalty to Aaron Sorkin I will follow Studio 60 (even though it hasn’t yet risen above the level of average). Now I’m down to four slots. I’m combining My Name Is Earl and The Office into one big mega-sitcom, so now I’m only down to three slots. Three new shows out of seventy-five choices. My TiVo is gonna get a run for its money.

It’s time for the new fall TV season and I couldn’t be more excited to crap on all the new shows. As the NPH might say on my favorite CBS sitcom How I Met Your Mother: “Suit Up!” Here are twenty thoughts on how I’m going to navigate my three show search.

1. When choosing which of two shows to watch that are on opposite each other, always choose the serial over the procedural (i.e. Grey’s over CSI). You don’t want to fall behind on a Lost or a Prison Break or a Veronica Mars just so you can watch William Petersen shine a mini-flashlight on an overly lit, green-lens tinted dead body.

2. If you just HAVE to watch Lost, do so with a large group of people. That way, when the show ends up being predictably frustrating and disappointing (Oh, did they not explain the black smoke monster? Tell me again what the Other are up to? Did Kate not choose a boyfriend yet? They didn’t tell you anything? Well, at least we got to see another flashback of Jack’s life as a doctor. New information there.), at least you’re hanging out with cool people. So start drinking to dull the pain.

3. Any pilot that features Amy Smart ripping open her blouse and tasering a helpless woman deserves your viewing attention for at least a couple episodes (regardless of how creepy and unentertaining it is to watch Ray Liotta for forty-two minutes each week).

4. Tape or TiVo Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. It’s going to be much easier to sit through all the fast paced, oh so precious Sorkinese if you can bloop bloop through the commercials.

5. Just because Qualen from Cliffhanger and Hank Kingsley from The Larry Sander Show decide to do a sitcom together, doesn’t mean it’s going to be funny. And in this case, it means the opposite.

6. Stay away from My Network TV. A shitty soap opera is stilll a shitty soap opera, even if it has Bo Derek fighting in a public fountain (who, by the way, hasn’t been worth watching since she banged Jeff Fahey on a motorcycle in the Skinemax classic “Woman Of Desire”).

7. Remember, it may seem like a cool casting choice but NOBODY likes James Woods. He’s made a career out of playing sleazy douche bags; “lovable scoundrel” isn’t exactly in his wheelhouse. Unless he’s trying to convince Louis Gossett Jr. to fight ten guys in one night, menacing Sly Stallone, or slapping Michael J. Fox around, he’s not giving me the good times.

8. There’s nothing wrong with the philosophy of “one and done”. If you don’t like a show, stop watching immediately. There’s far too much interesting television on this fall for you to get hooked into finishing a suck ass installment of Vanished or Till Death (Hey Brad Garrett, Michael Richards is on the line, he wants me to deliver a message: “Welcome to TV Hell. Hope the house is paid off.”).

9. Ali Larter is the next big TV hottie, so make sure you’re watching Heroes. There’s always a better than average chance that an enterprising staff writer got wasted and watched Varsity Blues and the next thing we know Larter’s in a whipped cream bikini and strutting all over NBC. Unfortunately, the potential ramifications of this might be a cameo from asshat James Van Der Beek. Although if the producers decide to invent a character named Giant Forehead Boy, the Beek would be perfect casting.

10. It is OK for men to watch Grey’s Anatomy, so long as they’re doing it for one of two reasons. 1. Katherine’s giant Heigl’s, and 2. They’ve been supporting Patrick Dempsey since he nailed Carrie Fisher in Loverboy, and want to remain loyal.

11. Great shows always have a great opening credits sequence, so choosing what to watch based solely on the credits may be a better bet than banking on the acting ability of Skeet Ulrich.

12. Speaking of Skeet, if TV isn’t the most redemptive medium on the planet than nothing is. Keven Federline is guesting on CSI after ruining a beloved underage sex icon. Jon Cryer has the most popular sitcom on the planet, and he was profit poison for twenty years. Hell, Ally McBeal gave Robert Downey Jr. a job before his first parole hearing. He was still showering with clenched cheeks when he got the role. You gotta love how forgiving a medium television is. After all, the following actors are now carrying their own primetime television shows: Charlie “Bullshit! Cause I wasn’t with a hooker today! Ha Ha!” Sheen, Skeet Ulrich, Erica “Swimfan” Christensen, Taye “Kevin Hill can not come to the phone right now, on account of he sucks and his show is canceled” Diggs, Joey Lawrence, and “Don’t Call Me Celestia” Anne Heche. So if you don’t think Paris Hilton is getting her own sitcom sometime in the next two years, you’re insane. At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if Michael Jackson did a six episode arc on The O.C.

13. Just as a reminder, Alabama Worley still has her own show on NBC (Medium). I think, after all the wonderful things she’s done for us (getting naked in Lost Highway, fighting James Gandolfini in True Romance, dumping Nicolas Cage, sweetly romancing Dule Hill in Holes), we owe her a viewing or two.

14. Another reminder: in accordance with the national vote taken this summer, we are all to ignore ER until it finally gets the point and goes away.

15. For pure cheesy terrificness, nothing beats The Shatner, The Spader and Murphy Brown fighting for scenery scraps on Boston Legal. NOTHING!

16. When an actor made famous from a now cancelled TV show decides to star in a new series your allegiance should depend solely on how much you liked their previous show. For example, Bradley Whitford ruled on The West Wing, therefore we should give Studio 60 a fair shot. Or take Scott Wolf, who gave us hours of unintentional comedy as Bailey on Party of Five (and also gave rise to the awesomeness that is the Jennifer Love Hewitt chestal region), and as such, we should do the honorable thing and tune in for his new show The Nine. However, by the end of Ally McBeal’s torturous run Calista Flockhart had become about as appealing as a penis eating banshee, so no, we’re not required to watch her new show Brothers and Sisters. In fact, as retribution for having to endure Vonda Sheppard closing out each episode, we should all avoid Brothers and Sister like a spinach-based plague.

17. Protesting 7th Heaven because its renewal caused the cancellation of Everwood and the further employment of Haylie Duff isn’t just allowed, it’s strongly encouraged.

18. Jamie Pressley has gotten naked in over three movies, did a sweet layout in Playboy, made out on camera with Tiffani Amber-Thiessen in a hot tub, viciously spoofed Kirsten Dunst in Not Another Teen Movie, AND once described Howard Stern’s looks by saying “You got slapped with a yarmulke”. I think it’s high time we reward her for her unending public service and start tuning in to My Name Is Earl (Not to mention she’s actually really funny).

19. J.J. Abrams’ name does not necessarily equal quality. Alias declined RAPIDLY in quality after a promising post-Super Bowl episode. Felicity was on The WB, so nuff said there. And he doesn’t, has not, and will never run Lost. My point here is this: Be very wary of Six Degrees. Just because Campbell Scott and the Swimfan star, it does not mean the show doesn’t royally blow (which it kinda does).

20. Trust the NPH. He won’t let you down. And on that note, the only sitcom truly worth your time is How I Met Your Mother (at least until Scrubs comes back in January). Snap a doo!

My early bet on the three shows that will round on my slate is: The Class, Heroes and Shark.

Bangarang!

Tearful Celebrity Apologies

Jul 28th, 2006
by Jason Matthews.
8 comments

Celebrities just don’t apologize enough. They release statements that try to white wash bad behavior, but no one ever comes outright and admits wrong doing. And that’s a mistake. With all the lying and cheating and paparazzi bashing and internet stalking going on these days, it’s hard to believe anything that comes out of anybody’s mouth. But I bet if someone were accused of something, say Paris Hilton getting accused of hacking into Lindsay Lohan’s cell phone (which actually happened last week), and Paris came out and said “Hell yeah I hacked the Firecrotch. She’s mean and she deserved it,” I bet no one would be mad at her. Heck, I bet she’d probably gain points in most peoples eyes.

You see, we like the truth. And we like the humility that stars must show when they tell the truth. Celebrity scandals would flame out much faster if the stars involved just came right out and admitted their involvement. We know (all) celebrities aren’t perfect. You have to be at least 35% crazy just to want to be in the entertainment industry so it’s no surprise when an actor turns out to be nuts and/or violent and/or sexually deviant and/or pure evil (Loved you in Baretta, Robert Blake!). So it’s a surprise to me that more stars don’t go down this road.

Wouldn’t you like La Lohan better if she just admitted to the coke and the anorexia? Wouldn’t you like Colin Farrell better if he just admitted he bangs anyone that so much as blinks at him (male or female)? Wouldn’t you like George Lucas better if he apologized for Jar Jar and the Star Wars prequels? I know I would.

We need to make this happen. We need to force celebrities to confess to their sins and hone up to the truth. And while we attempt to come up with a way to do just that, here’s a sampling of some of the tearful celebrity apologies I’d like to hear most.

Nicole Ritchie: Paris, I’m sorry I invited all your friends over to watch the video of you getting nailed by that greaser. That was wrong of me (but funny). I’m sorry about that one time when you got so drunk you passed out and I tattooed “Skaz” into your upper thigh. That was mean of me (but again, funny). And I’m sorry that I may have given you herpes. That was a weird night for me (this one’s not so funny); it’s confession time: I’m the real Firecrotch. And I’m very contagious.

Brad Pitt: I’m sorry, Jen. I know it was wrong of me to leave you for Angie, but really, do you blame me? That girl’s body is so perfect, I feel like a “3” whenever I’m around her. She may not be as down home as you. She may not smoke two packs a day like you. And she may not let me stay in Malibu instead of trekking all over Africa helping dirty foreign kids like you. But in the end, she’s still Angelina Jolie and you’re still Jennifer Aniston. Really, I’m not sure what I’m apologizing for.

You, Me and Dupree: I’m sorry I ever claimed to be funny. Everyone was telling me how important I was and how Little Man was gonna kick my ass. What else could I do? I caved to movie peer pressure. But I did learn a valuable lesson: Never cast Kate Hudson in a movie that’s supposed to be funny.

Britney Spears: I’m sorry for becoming all trashy, ya’ll. But there’s only so much a person can do deny her true roots. And like my roots, I’m as backwater as they come. Please continue to fantasize about me when I used to be the hottest tits on legs. One day I’ll make it all up to you guys. Maybe a packed hard, laid down wet Playboy spread when I’m 35 and desperate. Will that make it up to y’all?

Harrison Ford: I’d apologize for Firewall and K19 and Six Days, Seven Nights and pretty much my entire career post-1997, but I’ve been drunk pretty much every day since the Air Force One premiere, so screw all of you. I’m rich, I’m grizzled, I’m dating a troll and I’m never making Indiana Jones 4. Now leave me alone! I’ve got to go fly my airplane and sign onto a mediocre action movie.

Jack Nicholson: I’m sorry I’m so “Jack”. There’s not much I can do about it. So get used to it. I’ve been awesome for a long time now. And I’m going to continue to be awesome for the foreseeable future. So I’d rather you just said thank you and went on your way. Go Lakers!

Rachel McAdams: The Jay just told me I don’t have to apologize for anything. He says I’m perfect just the way I am. What a nice guy. I think maybe I’ll break up with Ryan and go challenge The Lady for the The Jay’s honor. Now where did I put those brass knuckles Lindsay gave me on Mean Girls?

Zach Braff: I’m sorry for appearing like I have absolutely zero interest in being on Scrubs anymore. It’s just that I am so damn kick ass now that Garden State did so well at the box office ($24 Million). I am way above this TV crap. Now if you’ll excuse, I have to go cash my latest Chicken Little residual. Humility doesn’t come cheap you know.

The Entire Cast of The O.C. (Minus the non-dearly departed Mischa Barton) : We’re sorry our show sucks now. But hey, at least we killed off Mischa. That’s something, right? Please watch us. It’s so cold here on Fox.

Orlando Bloom: I’m sorry I’m so bland. There really nothing I can do. I’ll try to be more interesting. Maybe I could date Lindsay Lohan? Would that help? If I killed a guy, would that fix the problem? I don’t know. I guess, maybe I could try acting better… wait, hmmm, I may be on to something here.

Colin Farrell: I’m sorry for denying that I ever knew that crazy bitch who attacked me on Leno and who’s suing me right now. It’s not that I lied so much as that I literally cannot tell all my sluts apart. Who can remember anyone’s name when you’re shit faced off of Yeager and Red Bull and four deep in groupies and playboy bunnies? Whoa, what’s that thing on my penis? Eh, doesn’t matter. Ladies, now serving number forty-seven? 47?

Sylvester Stallone: I’m sorry about Rocky 6. Just thought I’d get that out of the way. You know, save me some time.

Fergie (from the Black Eyed Peas): I’m sorry I keep claiming I’m not a dude. Sometimes I just forget. Then I scratch my balls and I remember.

Suri Cruise: I’ve sorry I haven’t let any of you see what I look like. It’s not what you think. I’m real. I’m not a pod baby. I don’t have three arms, or six toes or any other weird appendage. It’s just, well… I’m embarrassed by my parents. I don’t want to be the kid on the street that everyone points at and goes “That’s Tom Cruise’s kid. Poor thing…” I don’t need your sympathy, ok? I just need some privacy. If people find out what I look like, I’ll never get a fair share. No guy will ever want to bang me. And the only way I’m getting out of here is if I get knocked up the first chance I get. So don’t you fuckers ruin this for me! Go away, let me do my time and when I’m a pregnant, runaway, heroin junkie at 14, I promise I’ll give you all the interviews and pictures you want.

Haley Joel Osment: I’m sorry I got loaded and crashed my Saturn station wagon (!) into a mailbox. I’ll promptly head to rehab where my publicist can stage my ratings-boosting Primetime Live sobriety now/redemption interview. As it turns out I don’t see dead people, but I do see a stint on The Surreal Life.

Emmanuelle Chriqui: I’m sorry I haven’t gotten more naked on Entourage. I know you’d think that after a bunch of hook up scenes with Nicky Hilton’s little boyfriend, a slew of potential nipple slip-favored shirts and good lord, a freaking threesome, that I’d lose my top just once. But it just hasn’t happened yet. I’ll try to rectify this at the earliest possible chance. Maybe this weekend. Especially if The Piven asks me to. I can’t deny him anything.

George Lucas: I don’t apologize for anything! If you don’t like my movies, don’t watch them, I don’t care, I’ve got billions! And I have the precious original, untouched negatives, and you’ll never get to see them. Ha haha hahaha aha (twirls beard hair like a Bond villain). … I suck.

Tom Cruise: Wooo! Apologize? Don’t be glib. You know Scientologists don’t believe in forgiveness. It goes against Xenuian emotional weakness laws. Wooo! Time to go back to “planning” the wedding. Katie, do you want roses or daffodils? Just kidding! Ha! Like you get a choice in the matter. Silly girl, you fall for that every time.

Lindsay Lohan: I’m sorry to all the teen boys of America who weren’t able to whack off to me in good conscience last year. I’m sorry to all the random guys I’ve hooked up with and never returned their calls (especially the ones that start out “Lindsay, I just got my test results back…”). I’m sorry to all the young girls who used to think I was a role model until I started doing mass amounts of coke and banging all of Paris’s ex-boyfriends. I’m sorry to all the movie studios and production companies who’ve lost money because I didn’t show up for work (Exhaustion is a serious disease, people!). But most of all, I’m sorry to my breasts, who did so much for me and my career, and I repaid them by nearly deflating them for an entire year. Girls, it’s great having you back. I’ll never have you surgically removed again!

Bangarang!


Picture This: Celebrities Are Just Like Us, But More Gross

Jul 25th, 2006
by Jason Matthews.
15 comments

“Am I a nice person? God, no! I suck.”

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“This is what happens after you make a movie with Sarah Jessica Parker.”

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“Wanna see my impression of Paris when she’s bored on the set of The Simple Life?”

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“Say Last Call sucks again. SAY LAST CALL SUCKS AGAIN! I dare you, I double dare you motherfucker. Say Last Call Sucks one more goddamned time!

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“You ever make it with a botoxed, schizophrenic, speed-addicted puffer fish? And by botoxed, schizophrenic, speed-addicted puffer fish, I do mean me.”

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“Wait, so the Hulk 2 auditions aren’t today? But I did my hair and everything! What a waste of my valuable time. Nick Nolte is a hot commodity and you just wasted his time.”

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“Did I just give this ferret a tug job? Eh, whatever, I’ll just add a rabies shot to my weekly STD culture.”

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“My boobs come together, cause opposites attract (and put a weird, freaky hole in my chest).”

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“Who wants to be a teen heartthrob, when you can be a much cooler, cracked-out homeless guy? It’s no contest.”

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“It’s so nice to have so much free time, now that I got kicked off The O.C. I can finally devote my time to projects that mean something to me.”

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“Yeah, that’s right, I’m Kevin ‘fuckin’ Nealon, and I work at Home Depot. You got a problem with that? No? Good. Now let’s go find you that quarter-inch wood paneling on aisle five.”

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“If Harrison doesn’t marry me soon, I swear I’m just gonna let myself go.”

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“A grizzled drunk, a major geek, a burned-out drug addict and the finger. Yep, that sounds about right for a George Lucas tribute special.”

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“Vote for Pedro.”

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“I put a spell on you, because you’re mine…”

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“You’d be pissed off too if your big summer blockbuster was tanking, and you were dating the blandest guy in Hollywood.”

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“I wonder what Brad’s up to?”

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Bangarang!


Final Network TV Report Card

May 25th, 2006
by Jason Matthews.
1 comment

If you missed my Mid-Sweeps Network Report Card, CLICK HERE.

Six networks, 25 shows and a stocked TiVo’s worth of snark ahead of us. Let’s jump right into the network grades and show recaps, and I’ll see you at the bottom for a few Official TheJay.com 2006 TV Season Awards.

ABC

- Boston Legal– Too many guest stars, too many cast members, not nearly enough Bergen on Shatner action. And yet even though BL has turned into the new Will & Grace whore king of Cameoville, I cannot in good conscience hate on Spader, Shatner, Bergen or Bowen. And watching James Spader and Parker Posey go at it in the season finale was like geek candy, I could never get enough. Speaking of Posey, her race with Bowen in the finale was just about the funniest piece of physical comedy I’ve seen in years.

Grade: A

- Commander in Chief– How can a show this bad continue to get chances? ABC loves it, then puts it on hiatus, brings it back with a full press barrage, then yanks it after one episode and cancels it. And just when we thought we would never have to think about Charlie Baltimore as our President, ABC decides to bring it back as a two hour movie in the Fall. The show was never that good. It nearly killed Steven Bocho (And in only a couple months. Cop Rock couldn’t even do that!). And the ratings were terrible. At a certain point, say when C-in-C was getting crushed by House, American Idol AND Veronica Mars, you gotta just cut your losses. For the love of God, just cut your losses.

Grade: F

- Desperate Housewives– I just want to say for the record that I called the sophomore slump on this one. Any show that centers on catty women will always do well on initial release (heck, even Charmed was once a hit), and then slowly degrade into nothingness. It also doesn’t help that the show added too many characters too soon, separated the girls for too long and too often, and was never able to capitalize on the buzz or goodwill it generated last year (Also, simmer down Teri. We don’t need to see you in your panties on the cover of Vanity Fair talking about getting molested. Tacky, much?). I give it one more year before ABC pulls the show of Sundays and buries it on Friday nights at ten.

Grade: C-

- Grey’s Anatomy– Katherine Heigl owned that finale, despite the storyline being the very definition of ludicrous. Meredith gets more annoying, selfish and unwatchable by the episode. And Patrick Dempsey has become the unofficial “biggest asshole on TV”, right ahead of Jack from Lost, Leah Remini and Simon Cowell. And despite all of that, the show still brings it well. The writing is crisp and unique, the acting is uniformly excellent (led by the amazing Isaiah Washington), and it makes my Lady cry once a week. Basically, it’s a great show.

Grade: A

- Lost– Terrible for most of the year, downright unwatchable for any episode geared around Charlie, Claire or Ana Lucia, but really REALLY good by season’s end. The finale was the best episode all season, and maybe the best since the beginning of the first season. It was both wildly overhyped (Sure J.J., that really was the best season finale EVER in the history of television EVER! Just like MI:3 was the best spy movie ever. Same thing.), yet oddly satisfying, it that it finally gave us answers to questions we’ve had since Day One, and gave us a brand new set of questions to ponder. They finally admitted they screwed up with the Tailies, and kicked off the trouble girls; they settled the conspiracies behind the button, the plane crash, they showed us more of the Island (a foot statue? WTF, mate?) and best of all, they destroyed the goddamn hatch. For that alone I gotta praise the show.

Grade: A-

ABC’s Overall Network Grade: B-

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CBS

- Two and a Half Men– In the face of a nasty divorce, tabloid thrashing, online sex scandals and general public unrest, Ma-Sheen still takes care of business, making this show the number one comedy on ALL of television. Which basically means one thing… nothing can kill the Ma-Sheen.

Grade: B

- How I Met Your Mother– A surprisingly young, funny CBS sitcom that is perfect to have on either in the background, or watch in closed captions at the gym while you’re on the treadmill. So essentially it’s a funny show as long as you don’t pay too much attention to it. Which is a step up for CBS, so mazel tov to the eye network!

Grade: C

- Ghost Whisperer– They killed off Aisha Tyler! How you gonna go and do that to a former Talk Soup host? What’s next, Queer as Folk giving Hal Sparks AIDS and the TV Guide Channel canning John Henson? Pray for Joel McHale people, pray for him.

Grade: C-

- CSI:Miami– What do you think the over/under is on how many times this season David Caruso ripped off his sunglasses for dramatic effect? 100? 175? He probably has arthritis up and down his arm, after wearing down his “Sunglass Rip-off Bone”. That’s a medical term, by the way.

Grade: B-

CBS’s Overall Network Grade: C+

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FOX

- 24– RIP Pedro Cerrano. Even though you only batted .091 against the curve, you were still the best fictional president since Jed Bartlett, and that goes a long way in my book.

Grade: B

- American Idol– Dude, freaking Prince showed up. That owns! Even though the hated Soul Patrol won, and my McPhee-ver has finally broken, at least I got to see Prince do his thing. As Dave Chappelle would say, “Game, blouses!”

Grade: A

- House– I’ll admit I missed more than half the season (it was on opposite Scrubs and I don’t have TiVo), but what I did see, I loved. I liked that Cameron finally moved on from House, I liked Sela Ward coming in and screwing with House, and I always like to see Lisa Edelstein get screen time. My favorite aspect of the show is seeing actors I’ve liked in other places (John Cho, for example) come on and look like crap for a full hour. There’s no better role on television that playing House’s patient of the week. You get a big sickness scene, one big emotional confession, and seven scenes of you looking ungodly bad. Makes for a nice career boost.

Grade: B+

- The O.C.– My thoughts on this show have already been well documented, so I’ll use this space to list the five things I used to love about The O.C.

1. Bilson in the Wonder Woman costume.

2. Ben McKenzie challenging Ian Ziering as the oldest looking high school student in entertainment history.

3. Waiting for the camera to explode after trying and failing to fit both of Peter Gallagher’s eyebrows in frame.

4. “Welcome to the OC, bitch!”

5. Marissa Cooper dying in a fiery car crash. What? That was awesome, and I’m going to miss seeing it every week.

Grade: C-

- Prison Break– Can you really call your show “Prison Break” if all the characters break out of the prison? Don’t you then have to change it to, I don’t know, “Not Prison Break” or “The Fugitive Rip-off”?

Grade: C+

FOX’s Overall Network Grade: B

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NBC

- The Office– I gotta throw some love The Office’s way because they cast my old acting coach, Melora Hardin, as Steve Carell’s love interest. Also, it’s a show full of geeks about people acting geeky. How can I hate on that? NBC better not screw this one up, or let Carell go.

Grade: A

- My Name is Earl– The show lost some steam after a WAAAAY too over-hyped series premiere. I don’t think it’s strong enough to anchor a night yet, and there’s a better than average chance it gets lost in the Thursday shuffle of CSI, Grey’s Anatomy, Survivor, The OC next year. But one thing remains the same: seeing Jason Lee act every week is a pleasure. One I have no intention of giving up.

Grade: A

- Scrubs– OK, so maybe Zach Braff does want to be there. But for a while he looked more bored than me during my second viewing of Magnolia. And as much as I laughed my ass of at the season finale (Zoom, zoom, zoom!), the show went back to its stupid, futile gimmick of hooking JD up with a guest star. We know Elizabeth Banks isn’t coming on as a series regular, so why should I invest in her character or in their relationship? It didn’t work with Heather Graham, Amy Smart or Mandy Moore, three actresses I dig, so it’s most definitely not going to work here, with an actress I’m indifferent too.

Grade: B

- The West Wing– Here’s what I was happy with: CJ ending up with Danny Concannon, Will going to run for Congress, Charlie getting into Georgetown, Sotckard Channing finally getting her season one haircut back. Here’s what I didn’t like: A wasted penultimate episode of Santos and Vinick, no resolution for Toby and no scenes between Sam and Toby. Here’s what I hated: No resolution to Josh and Donna, Sam getting ad-pimped by The Powers That Be and then getting wasted with three scenes over two episodes, and most of all, that I’ll never get to watch a brand new episode of this show ever again. Oh well, at least there’s Studio 60 in the fall.

Grade: B

NBC’s Overall Network Grade: B-

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The WB

- Gilmore Girls– Don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, Hate Lauren Graham, don’t care. I wish The CW hadn’t decided to bring it back, because without series creator Amy Sherman Palladino, the show’s going down the tubes. Also, did I mention I hate Lauren Graham? (One of these days I really have to write a column about all the hateful celebrities who yelled at me while I was an extra.)

Grade: C-

- Smallville– Lex hooked up with Lana? Spike came in as Braniac? Aquaman didn’t get picked up? They killed Bo Duke? Brandon Routh made Tom Welling irrelevant? Lionel Luther is banging Ma Kent? Erica Durance got another FHM cover? Can I stop asking questions now? Did I even watch this show this season? The answer to the last one is “no”.

Grade: B-

- Supernatural– I’m sure I’ll start watching this show again eventually, but since The WB decided not to market ANY of their shows this season, cut their losses and just lame duck it until the Fall, I decided not to help their final ratings. Also, screw you guys for canceling Everwood. You pissed off my Moms, and you took Treat Williams off of network TV. The man was the Substitute, for god sakes! Show some respect.

Grade: C

The WB’s Overall Network Grade: D
(Automatic half grade drop due to The CW stupidly deciding to renew 7th Heaven AFTER they had aired the season finale. You can only say goodbye once, jackasses.)

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UPN

- Veronica Mars– Uh oh… another question barrage coming… can’t stop it…. Here we go! Veronica was raped again? Cordelia was laundering what now? Wallace has a police daddy? Enrico Colantoni can kick people’s asses? Lisa Rinna shot herself on a freeway? Steve Guttenberg is still alive? Series killer Paula Marshall is Veronica’s friend now? Iceman from X-Men got it on with Veronica? Is this the weirdest how on television? Do I need to rewatch the entire season just to make sense of it all? Is Veronica Mars maybe a bit too confusing for it’s own good? The answer to the last one is “yes”.

Grade: A

- Everybody Hates Chris– The CW decided to bury this awesome show on Sundays at 7pm, why now? Do they have that much other content that’s better than this? Did we really need a 37th cycle of America’s Next Top Model? Did Beauty and the Geek need to get re-aired four times? What was it that made them think this show wasn’t good enough for true primetime? Was it the awesome critical reception? Was it the star power of series creator Chris Rock? Was it the fact that it was one of the funniest new shows of the season? Probably all of the above. Way to go, CW. I see you have more UPN in you than I originally thought.

Grade: A

UPN’s Overall Network Grade: B
(Automatic one grade drop because these are only two shows on the entire network worth watching at all.)

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So here’s how the final network report card looks: ABC dropped hard with a sophomore dramatic slump, NBC stayed solid with their slew of quality comedies and look to have the most promising fall lineup (Sorkin’s back, Tina Fey’s on the way and the NFL is finally back on NBC). CBS is still old but is trying to get younger, FOX made some traditional bonehead moves (I still can’t believe they canceled Arrested Development), but they did some good to (They renewed The Loop, just like I said they should.). And UPN and The WB got married, killed some of their kids (RIP Everwood), resurrected a beast (You suck, 7th Heaven!) and decided that it was easier to suck as one network, then it would be as two.

I’m awarding the 2005-2006 Network TV Season to FOX, for 24, House, Idol, Family Guy and The Loop. Congratulations to FOX; I can’t wait to see what’s in store for the Fall. And now for some meaningless awards.

The “Official” 2006 TheJay.com TV Season Awards:

Biggest Shocker of the Season: Did they just kick off Chris Daughtry? You mean I get more McPhee? Suh-WEET! Peace out, bald guy! Go have fun fronting Creed.

Worst Shocker of the Season: Oh wait, you mean Henry Gale really WAS an Other? You’re kidding me!

Best New Show: My Name is Earl

Worst New Show: The Book of Daniel

Best Returning Show: Scrubs

Worst Returning Show: Desperate Housewives

Best Reason To Watch TV This Season: Watching Kiefer Sutherland yell at people. “WHERE IS THE FILE?” “TELL ME WHAT I WANT TO KNOW?” “DID YOU LIKE ME IN FLATLINERS?” TELL ME NOW!!!!”

Final Word on the Season: Wait, tell me again why that statue had four toes?

Bangarang!


Future Access Hollywood Spoilers

May 22nd, 2006
by Jason Matthews.
7 comments

Last Thursday, millions of The OC fans, thousands of Mischa Barton haters, hundreds of snarky entertainment blogs and a handful of Access Hollywood loyalists were stunned when the TV “newsmagazine” stupidly e-mailed out a press release mid-way through the day detailing the spoiler death of Mischa Barton’s insufferable Marissa Cooper on that evening’s season finale. Here’s what the e-mail subject line said:

ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: MISCHA BARTON CONFIRMS HER CHARACTER ON “THE O.C.‿ DIES AND REVEALS WHAT THE SHOW HAS IN STORE FOR FANS

The blogosphere couldn’t decide whom to hate more, Access Hollywood for blatantly ruining the big finale twist, or Mischa Barton for agreeing to dish the news. Even though she had been trying desperately to get canned from the show, no one could believe that she would actually stoop to the level of undercutting the show itself.

Let’s face it, The OC has been suffering for going on two seasons now. Horrible narrative arcs, badly drawn new characters, stranded story lines and the complete obliteration of the once geeky cool Seth Cohen, all contributed to turning the show from the rightful heir to the thrown of cheesy primetime melodramas (passed down from the ages by Dallas, 90210, Melrose Place, and Dawson’s Creek), to a pathetic mess that TRL-screaming teenage girls would run from. It desperately needed an injection of life to close the season and get people interested in coming back for the Fall. What better way to get one than by killing off a main character.

And if someone had to go, I would bet the cast and crew were in agreement that Mischa Barton was the perfect candidate. Rachel Bilson has become the better actress and the hotter property, and Mischa has turned into a complaining, incessantly late, poorly prepared pain in the ass. Absolutely no one wanted to see her and Ryan keep going at it, and since they ran off Olivia Wilde, Mischa wasn’t gonna go back to the pink. She had nothing else to do on the show, and it was the right choice to kill her off. Too bad Mischa lacked the good grace to let the show deliver its big secret and wow its audience.

She sucks for what she did, but the bigger blame should be placed on Access Hollywood. This went beyond bad form; they blatantly broke the rules of proper journalism by reporting on news that had not happened yet. It’s unethical to report events that the public has not bared witness to. And moreover, things like season finale spoilers mean a lot to a lot of people, and to have those spoilers revealed without given the choice to decide whether or not to hear them, cheats the viewers out of the viewing experience they deserve. Akin to critics revealing The Crying Game secret, or as Gawker pointed out, TIME Magazine spoiling the twist in Million Dollar Baby, Access Hollywood had no regard for the work of the production and creative team behind The OC, or for fans of the show.

It would have been one thing had they teased a potential spoiler earlier in the day, and then revealed the spoiler during their airtime, for it’s likely not a lot of OC fans would be watching, and would be blissfully unaware that AH and Mischa had taken a crap on The OC. But issuing a press release in the middle of the day made it news, so it was inevitable that the bloggers would pick it up, and that the major media outlets would soon follow. By the time the show aired in the east you would have been hard pressed to find anyone that hadn’t been spoiled. Even for a tabloid show, this was low. Hell, even E! News Live would have shown enough restraint to wait for the show to air on the East Coast (West Coast gets no respect. No Respect!).

So this pretty much sets the bar for etiquette and journalistic integrity in not only Access Hollywood, but in any tabloid, whether it be print or media. It’s a season finale spoiler today, a Blockbuster movie spoiler tomorrow, soon anyone that walks by a magazine rack or turns on their TV will be unable to avoid getting their entertainment ruined. That day will come. But until then, we have Access Hollywood, working overtime to spoil pop culture for those care about it.

And they won’t stop just because a few blogs got made at them for ruining The OC. Their days of rude, early spoilers will continue. It doesn’t seem even so far-fetched that one day soon you may open up your e-mail to find an Access Hollywood Press Release with these news bites in the subject line.

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: JUST MY LUCK STAR LINDSAY LOHAN REVEALS SHE DOES NOT HAVE A FIRECROTCH, BUT IN REALITY AN ALL-POWERFUL ICECROTCH, AND LETS US IN ON HER PLANS FOR WORLD DOMINATION

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: BRUCE WILLIS CONFIRMS HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY DIE IN THE UPCOMING SEQUEL DIE HARD 4, AND REVEALS WHAT TOUPEES HE’LL BE USING IN THE FUTURE

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: DAVID SPADE CONFIRMS THAT HE AND HEATHER LOCKLEAR ARE NOT IN FACT DATING, BUT THAT THE RUMOR STILL “KICKS A WHOLE LOT OF ASS‿, SPADE ALSO REVEALS THE PLOT BEHIND THE EAGERLY ANTICIPATED SEQUEL TO BENCHWARMERS

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: DA VINCI CODE STAR TOM HANKS CONFIRMS THAT HIS HAIR IS ACTUALLY A PREVIOUSLY EXTINCT FORM OF SEWER RAT, AND CONFIRMS HIS PLANS TO OPEN A CONSERVATORY TO SHELTER AND BREED THE ANIMAL

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: SAMUEL L. JACKSON REVEALS THE SHOCKER THAT THE MUTHAFUCKIN SNAKES ACTUALLY GET OFF THE MUTHAFUCKIN PLANE IN HIS NEW FILM “SNAKES ON A PLANE”

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: THE JAY CONFIRMS THAT HE NOW DEFINITIVELY LIKES RENEE ZELLWEGER, AND REVEALS PLANS TO CONTINUE HIS HATERATION ON GREASE REESE WITHERSPOON

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: DOMINIC MONAGHAN CONFIRMS HE WILL NOT DIE IN THE SEASON FINALE OF LOST, AND REVEALS THAT HE WILL CONTINUE TO SUCK ON THE SHOW FOR THE FORSEABLE FUTURE

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: WILMER VALDERRAMMA CONFIRMS THAT THE ICECROTCH IS AS DEADLY AS REPORTED AND NOT TO BE TRIFLED WITH, AND REVEALS THAT MANDY MOORE ACTUALLY HAS A CANDYCROTCH FILLED WITH GRANULATED SUGAR

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: JOHHNY DEPP CONFIRMS THAT HE WILL CHANGE HIS NAME TO JOHN DEPP, AND REVEALS HIS PLANS TO NO LONGER BE THE COOLEST GUY OVER 40 STILL NAMED JOHNNY

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: HARRISON FORD CONFIRMS THAT HE’LL HAVE A LOVE INTEREST IN THE NEXT INDIANA JONES MOVIE, AND REVEALS THE LOVE INTEREST WILL BE A HANDLE OF CAPTAIN MORGAN PRIVATE STOCK AND THAT THERE’LL BE A STEAMY LOVE SCENE BETWEEN THE TWO

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: DAVID CARUSO CONFIRMS HE IS LEAVING CSI: MIAMI, AND REVEALS HE WILL NOW IMMEDIATELY ASK FOR HIS JOB BACK BECAUSE HE HAS LEARNED FROM PAST MISTAKES

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: KEVIN SMITH CONFIRMS THAT JAY AND SILENT BOB WILL DIE A HORRIFIC DEATH IN CLERKS 2, AND REVEALS PLANS TO IMMEDIATELY BRING THEM BACK FROM THE GRAVE FOR ANOTHER GODDAMN UNNECESSARY JAY AND SILENT BOB MOVIE

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: BILLY BUSH CONFIRMS HE’S REALLY A LEPRECHAUN, AND REVEALS HIS PLANS TO BE THE NEW SPOKESPERSON FOR LUCKY CHARMS

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: OWEN WILSON CONFIRMS THAT HE IS THE REAL “BUTTERSCOTCH STALLION”, AND REVEALS THAT HE WILL ALSO ANSWER TO THE MONIKER “THE CHOCO-LICKING KITTEN”

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: TOM CRUISE CONFIRMS THAT FIANCEE KATIE HOLMES IS REALLY A SCIENTOLOGY ROBOT THAT WAS GENETICALLY ENGINEERED AT THE CELEBRITY CENTER LAB, AND REVEALS WHAT’S IN THE FUTURE FOR THE KATIEBOT 5000

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: BRYAN SINGER CONFIRMS A STUNNING REPORT… IN THE UPCOMING SUPERMAN RETURNS, SUPERMAN WILL IN FACT SAVE THE DAY, AND REVEALS HIS TRICKS BEHIND DIGITALLY REDUCING SUPERMAN’S GINORMOUS BULGE

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: HUGH JACKMAN CONFIRMS THAT WOLVERINE WILL SURVIVE X-MEN: THE LAST STAND, AND FANBOYS REVEAL THEY CAN NOW STEP DOWN FROM THE LEDGE

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: SOCIALITE PARIS HILTON CONFIRMS SHE IS THE REAL FIRECROTCH, AND REVEALS HER PLANS TO CHALLENGE THE ICECROTCH FOR ALL-TIME SLUTTY CELEBRITY CROTCH SUPREMACY

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: RYAN SEACREST CONFIRMS THAT TAYLOR HICKS WILL WIN AMERICAN IDOL, AND REVEALS PLANS FOR KATHERINE MCPHEE TO IMMEDIATELY CHANGE HER NAME TO KATEY AIKEN AND RELEASE AN ALBUM OF SHOWTUNES

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: SANDRA BULLOCK CONFIRMS REPORTS THAT SHE AND CO-STAR KEANU REEVES DO IN FACT END UP TOGETHER AT THE END OF THEIR NEW ROMANTIC DRAMA THE LAKE HOUSE, AND REVEALS PLANS TO MAKE MISS CONGENIALITY 3: SHAMELESS PAYCHECK MOVIE

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: JAMIE FOXX CONFIRMS THAT HE IS IN FACT RAY CHARLES’S ILLEGITIMITE CHILD AND MIAMI VICE CO-STAR COLLEN FARRELL CONFIRMS THAT HE IS IN FACT PERMA-DRUNK, ALSO THE NATION CONFIRMS THEY DON’T CARE ABOUT MIAMI VICE

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: MEL GIBSON CONFIRMS HE’S ACTUALLY CRAZY, AND REVEALS WHAT THE WORLD HAS IN STORE WHEN THE FORTHCOMING APOCALYPSE HITS. THE EARLY WORD FROM THE BRAVEHEART STAR: LOTS OF BIRD ON THE WIRE SEQUELS

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: GEORGE LUCAS CONFIRMS THAT HE IS THE ANTI-CHRIST AND REVEALS HIS PLANS TO BURN THE NEGATIVES OF THE UNTOUCHED ORIGINAL STAR WARS TRILOGY

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: BLACK EYED PEAS SINGER FERGIE CONFIRMS SHE IS REALLY A MAN, AND THE ENTIRE COUNTRY REVEALS WE ALREADY KNEW THAT ONE

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: PRESIDENT BUSH CONFIRMS THAT HE HAS SURRENDERED THE NATION TO THE ICECROTCH, AND REVEALS PLANS TO RENAME THE COUNTRY THE UNITED STATES OF LOHAN

LET THE REIGN OF THE ICECROTCH COMMENCE!

Bangarang!


The Case Against: 25 Shows On The Bubble

Apr 25th, 2006
by Jason Matthews.
No comments yet

With the summer movie season fast approaching TheJay.com will be going into blockbuster movie critique mode for a while. But before I do, I wanted to touch base in the world of television. May sweeps are just around the corner; the TV playoffs, where each show makes the final push for ratings gold. It’s also the time when networks begin announcing which shows will get renewed, and which get the axe. Right now there are slightly more than twenty shows that are on the bubble; they could go either way, depending on what type of mood Jeff Zucker or Les Moonves is in. I want to examine those bubble shows and decide whether or not they are worthy. After all, the networks don’t choose which shows to bring back, the viewers do. So let’s dive right in…

The Case Against: 25 Shows on the Bubble (in alphabetical order):

American Dad

I know FOX likes their animation domination block so much, but American Dad is not worthy enough to follow in the tradition of The Simpsons, Family Guy and King of the Hill. The jokes are more derivative than Family Guy, but not nearly as funny. And moreover, why do we need this when we have the far superior Family Guy? Dump it, and bring back Futurama.

Verdict: BIG FAT CANCEL

Arrested Development

This is just frustrating. Showtime was ready to do the deal and then creator Mitch Hurwitz says no and cancels the show. I don’t understand. You create what is widely considered the best show on television, you generate a rapid, ultra-loyal fanbase and then just when the show was going to get the home it needed to be a sensation, you pull the plug. Why? Why walk away from greatness? There better be something more to this than money. Hurwitz better have a good reason, or the next time he develops a TV show none of his Arrested fans will watch.

Verdict: SOMEBODY CONVINCE HURWITZ TO LET SHOWTIME HAVE IT!

Commander in Chief

At some point you just have to shoot the dying horse. You can’t keep watching it twitch on the ground, helplessly clinging to a life it can’t lead. Commander has already lost two show runners, most of its writing staff and the majority of it’s audience. It was a good concept, but with bad execution and even worse show management. ABC, please, cut your losses, cancel the show and give the timeslot to a worthy pilot.

Verdict: CANCEL (and merciful death)

Courting Alex

CBS took this off the air after only a few airings, but have not yet dropped the official axe. Jenna Elfman is a mediocre comedienne at best, but makes a fine TV actor for people who like their sitcoms stale, predictable and safe as a Mormon girl on prom night. The Eye tends to stick with safe sitcoms, as evidenced by their awkward faith in that horrible new Elaine Benes show, and the unbelievable six-year run of The King of Queens. I say give it the boot and give the time to another CSI show. Maybe this one gets set in, like, Wisconsin, and headlined by Jeff Daniels or Dylan McDermott.

Verdict: CANCEL

Everwood

This is the only real unfortunate casualty of the WB / UPN merger. Everwood is a good, wholesome drama that appeals to the family demographic that the WB was able to pull in by pairing it with the departing 7th Heaven. Unfortunately, The CW is pushing for a teen and urban demographic and has no desire to push the fam angle. The show’s only hope is to nail the finale, pray for a ratings bump and hope Treat Williams has enough goodwill to last through the launch of the new network. Although I doubt it, after all, he was in Deep Rising.

Verdict: CANCEL

E-Ring

Why keep this troubled show when The Unit is so much better and has a network that actually supports it. NBC beat the hell out of E-Ring, continually moving the timeslot, giving it a short-shrift marketing push and allowing the producers to call the show E-Ring (Just an awful title. Even something as stupid as Pentagon Wars would have been better). This was a botched operation from the beginning; a major blunder by NBC who needs to keep Benjamin Bratt in their stable. He will crush a TV series eventually, so you gotta keep him around until he finds his House or Medium. Also, don’t cast Dennis Hopper unless you’re going to let him be a villain. Any other role and you’re just kidding yourself.

Verdict: CANCEL

Four Kings

I like this show. Having Seth Green on my television is always a treat and it was cool to see a “guys” show that let their characters be real “guys”. Yes the three-camera sitcom is a dying art, but Four Kings could have been a last gasp of greatness. NBC used to make their money with the three-camera, so it’s sad to see them abandoning it just because My Name is Earl is popular right now. They better develop something better or the premature axe for this show will seem doubly stupid.

Verdict: RENEW

Freddie

Heck if I don’t want to see this show get renewed. Everything in me says not to endorse Freddie Prinze Jr., and yet I like this show. Brian Austin Green rules all and you know I support my 90210 alumni. Freddie works for me because the five minutes I catch while waiting for Lost to start are always filled with two things: a consistent hearty laugh and good times remembering Brian back when he was deflowering Donna Martin. And that’s always good times.

Verdict: RENEW

Free Ride

Never watched it, don’t care about it. I could go either way. But since they have a similar themed sitcom on the air that I do watch (see below), my feeling is to get rid of this one, stop splitting their audience base and throw all the support onto the more promising The Loop.

Verdict: CANCEL

Gilmore Girls

With creator Amy Palladino leaving it doesn’t seem that smart to bring the show back. Like Sorkin leaving The West Wing, Palladino was the heart of the writing staff, creating the language of the show and the voice of the characters. Her departure will mark a period of confusion, exasperated by the move to a new network and the likely understanding that the show will have one farewell season left. So what’s better, having your farewell season tempered by the needs of a network launch, or to go off the air in style, going down with The WB ship, so to speak? If it were me, I’d go out in a blaze of glory.

Verdict: CANCELLATION BY CHOICE

How I Met Your Mother

The buzz is strong on renewal for this one, and frankly CBS would be stupid not to bring it back. It’s the only Monday night sitcom that appeals to people under 30, with the bonus attraction of the show starring both Doogie Howser M.D. and Willow, the nerdy / lesbian / computer whiz / evil supreme witch from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. The show has great potential, a solid cast and consistent laughs. Bring it back and let Doogie loose. The Doogie will not disappoint.

Verdict: RENEW

Invasion

Boring. That’s the problem with this show. I watched the pilot, was not wowed and decided to check out. But now the plot has become so impenetrable that new viewers have to actively campaign for story information. It’s too insular, not dynamic enough and the only reason the show is still around is because Lost is its lead-in. Put on any other night and this show falls faster than Lohan after Mean Girls.

Verdict: CANCEL

The Loop

I don’t know why I like it, but I do. Maybe it’s because the Supertroopers team has their fingerprints all over it. Maybe it’s because Eric Christian Olsen is funny as hell. Maybe it’s because the girls on the show are crazy hot. Or maybe it’s because the show is just flat out funny. This could be the next Scrubs, if only FOX would give it the chance. I got a feeling a cancellation is imminent; after all, this is the same network that canceled the superb Undeclared and the even more superb Parker Lewis Can’t Lose. I say give it one more season to grow and then make a decision. What else does FOX have to put on? They already canceled Arrested Development.

Verdict: RENEW

Love Monkey

The forecast is grim for this Tom-Cavanaugh music dramedy. I think it’s a shame that Jason Priestley is getting canceled twice in two years (this and Tru Calling). I need regular doses of the man who would be Brandon Walsh, or the cheesy drama show lover in me might die. He’s all I have left, and Tori’s antics aren’t making things any better. I only got to see the show a few times (Mostly when I was on the treadmill at the gym. TV is hard to watch on mute. Closed captioning is sorely lacking in comedic timing.), but what I saw I liked. Tom is a worthy TV actor who deserves a good vehicle. The occasional Scrubs guest spot is not enough (especially if Scrubs gets yanked due to Zach Braff’s burgeoning film career). I say bring it back for one last chance, but give the show a time slot it may have a chance to win.

Verdict: RENEW (On the condition of only a 5 episode trial run in a good timeslot.)

Malcolm in the Middle

The show is going off the air, the decision has been made, I just wanted to say my goodbyes to the show. Malcolm ushered in the age of the one camera sitcom, paving the way for the success of Scrubs, My Name is Earl and The Office. I will always be grateful to the show, no matter how infrequent I watched it. Congratulations on a great run.

Verdict: ETERNAL LIFE IN RERUNS

The O.C.

I tried to watch this show a couple weeks ago and not even the awesomeness of Rachel Bilson could keep me interested. No show in recent history has fallen as far creatively as The O.C. I was a rabid fan of the first season and a good chunk of the second season, but now I don’t even recognize it. Ben McKenzie is the most unbelievable high school student since Steve Sanders enrolled in West Beverly High. Adam Brody has become his own self parody. Don’t even get me started on the travesty that is Mischa Barton. And Bilson is headed for big screen stardom, and as such, does not deserve to have her time wasted on the likes of this. I know the show still has their fans, but the best thing executive producer Josh Schwartz can do is not continue to destroy the legacy of the first season and just kill his baby now. It was fun while it lasted, but now it’s just sad.

Verdict: WELCOME TO CANCELLATION, BITCH!

Out of Practice

This is the ultimate CBS sitcom: the cast is somewhat appealing in a plain vanilla way, the writing is only mildly edgy (just enough to keep the median age above 50), and whenever you watch it, you find yourself inexplicably laughing out loud at least once an episode. Plus, any show that gainfully employs Jennifer Tilly can’t be all bad. Let The Fonz and The First Lady have their day in the sun.

Verdict: RENEW

Pepper Dennis

On paper, casting Rebecca Romijn-Stamos-O’Connell and Brooke Burns as sisters is a good idea. On screen, it just looks odd. The producers did realize that Rebecca is a toehead and Brooke is latin, right? Well, if only that were the least of the show’s problems. I watched two minutes and turned it off. I wasn’t the only one. A huge marketing push for this turkey of a show makes me feel like the WB was cutting its losses and clearing its docket for the CW launch.

Verdict: CANCEL

Scrubs

Word has been that Scrubs was going off the air not because Zach had gotten bigger than his TV bridges, but because their deal with NBC was coming to an end and the network has been notoriously fickle about the most excellent comedy. But ABC is apparently coming to the rescue, offering to pick the show up for multiple years and promising to give the show the type of support it has earned over the last five years. And all that is nice and dandy, assuming Zach decides to come back. I think they only have him for one more season before the features finally take hold of him (he has two films due out by the end of the year), so they should cash in while the ante is so low. But whatever they do, they better fix the writing, which has gotten thin and shallow this season. The goofy dream sequences have gotten old, and as much as I love John C. McGinley, I’ve been tuning out his Dr. Cox rants since season three. They got me for one more year, so they better make it good.

Verdict: RENEW (On ABC, with an improved writing staff)

Sons & Daughters

Never seen an episode, but I support it nonetheless. Primetime needs to have an improv show somewhere on the schedule, and producers should rally to support all the fantastic comedians on the show. There’s nothing else like this on television, so canceling it and replacing it with a repeat of Extreme Makeover or some other gratuitous reality show is akin to admitting that ABC wants nothing to do with comedy, and gives it’s support only to mediocre dramas that pull in great publicity because its stars are figurative whores (ahem, Desperate Housewives).

Verdict: RENEW

Stacked

It just never seemed right setting a Pamela Anderson sitcom in a bookstore. Yeah, it’s campy and all, but really, even at 40, wouldn’t you rather see her running down a beach in slow motion? The girl’s gone to seed, but she’s still Pamela Anderson for god sakes! Even a Pam at 7 is still like a 9.2 on regular girl’s terms. Also, she can’t act, so asking her to deliver jokes seems like an exercise in futility.

Verdict: CANCEL

Supernatural

This show is not going anywhere, trust me. It’s a perfect show for The CW’s demographic, it stars two attractive, popular leads and it’s the only sci-fi show on television. Sure it’s a little amateurish, but then again, so was The X-Files in it’s first season. I’m not saying Supernatural is even a bump on the road to The X-Files, but it’s definitely got promise.

Verdict: RENEW

The Unit

David Mamet writing, Pedro Cerrano starring and a timeslot to beat the band… this is how you launch a new drama. The cast rocks, the action is first rate (for TV) and it’s a breath of fresh air from all the boring procedural shows that have infected primetime lately. Also, I feel bad for Scott Foley. He lost Jennifer Garner to Michael Vartan, then Felicity ended, his own sitcom was canceled, Scrubs wrote his character off and the movies scripts aren’t getting sent his way. He deserves a break and I’m inclined to give him one.

Verdict: RENEW

The West Wing

This one isn’t real because NBC already decided not to bring the show back, but I wanted to drop some knowledge on it nonetheless. Bringing back Rob Lowe was a bit underwhelming, yet at the same time evoked memories of the glory days of seasons one and two. I’m intrigued by what the show would become if it followed the Santos administration, and have a feeling the show would probably return to its roots and focus on the staff instead of on the President and global affairs. Like I said, this is all meaningless, but I started watching the show again a few weeks ago after a two season lay-off and I’m all bummed that my formerly favorite show is going off the air. Deep down I’d like to see the show continue in any form, just to know that it was still there. Kinda like not wanting your ex’s to ever get married, just so you can know the door hasn’t closed, regardless if you ever want to open the door again or not. My only consolation is that Bradley Whitford just signed on to do Sorkin’s new show, so I know I’ll be taken care of in the fall. The Wing may be coming to an end, but the era of Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip has just begun.

Verdict: KEEP AIRING THE RERUNS

What About Brian

This show is like a master class in how NOT to launch a drama at the end of a bad TV season. The cast is uniformly bland, led by the super-bland Barry Watson (who has Helen Hunt head going on). The plot is trite, cliché and wholly unoriginal, but moreover, it was boring. I’ll forgive a show that it trite and clichéd as long as it’s fun to watch (Heck, I do own the first season of The O.C.), but What About Brian has nothing to keep me coming back. Not even good TV-style nudity. Which is the ultimate save for a bad show. You show me the backside of a hot TV actress and you got my TiVo time for at least four episodes.

Verdict: CANCEL

Bangarang!


My Top 5

Mar 14th, 2006
by Jason Matthews.
4 comments

The other night I sat down to write a new piece that was about anything but the Oscars (finally). So I checked my usual sites, looking for a subject, looking for inspiration. As it turns out, inspiration is hard to come by on the Internet. I checked sports sites, trivia sites, gossip sites, movie and TV sites, book sites, blogs, news sites, myspace, and anywhere else I could think to go to. But I found nothing. At the risk of writing in hyperbole, but right now, there is absolutely nothing going on of any interest.

The Oscars are over, TV is mostly in reruns and midseason pick-up ads, sports is failing miserably with the WBC and those pathetic Olympics, the gossip scene is thin and besides, who cares to read anymore about the Lohan’s, Paris’s and Brangelina’s of the world. And worse yet, there hasn’t been a single decent movie to come out this year, with very little to look forward to on the horizon. Yes, it’s a light time right now. In other words, it’s hard out here for a blogger…

I’m going to spend the next few days brainstorming good column ideas and watching as much entertainment as I can, in my search for inspiration (I have the Crispin Glover movie Willard going on in the background right now, so you know, the search is starting out pretty poorly). But until the divine hits me, or I grow impatient and bang out another “Crash sucks” piece, I did want to post SOMETHING. So I started coming up with lists of things to write about, and just as quickly, an idea came.

Lists.

And so I started listing things, pop culture-like things. And it should due for now. I promise thicker, funnier content as the ides of March roll on, but until then, please enjoy my Top 5 lists.

Top 5 Upcoming Films I Am Dying To See

1. Miami Vice
2. A Scanner Darkly
3. Nacho Libre
4. Snakes on a (Muthafuckin) Plane
5. Clerks 2

Top 5 Potentially Awesome Future Oscar Hosts

1. Jim Carrey
2. Conan O’Brien
3. George Clooney
4. Bonnie Hunt
5. Tom Cruise (Just Kidding!)

Top 5 Favorite Random Facts About Chuck Norris

1. Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a
Chucktatorship.
2. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only
another fist.
3. Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.
4. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is
gay, but because he has run out of women.
5. In the beginning there was nothing…then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said “Get a job”. That is the story of the universe.

Top 5 Sequels I Never Want To See

1. Crash 2: Revenge of the Fender Bender
2. King Kong 2: Less Monkey, More Adrien Brody
3. Duece Bigalow 3: Stop Employing Rob Schneider
4. Rumor Has It… This Sequel Sucks
5. The Revenge of the Christ

The Top 5 Worst Films Released So Far This Year

1. Hostel
2. Freedomland
3. Underworld: Evolution
4. Big Momma’s House 2
5. When A Stranger Calls

Top 5 Discarded TheJay.com Post Ideas

1. The Case For: King Kong, Best Picture Winner
2. Dolph Lundgren: The Greatest Action Star Ever (Actually this would be kind of cool.)
3. Why Paris Hilton Will One Day Win An Oscar
4. 50 Reasons Why I Like Renee Zellweger
5. Keanu Reeves: Misunderstood Genius, A Five Part Series (Actually I am doing this one, but it will be called “Keanu Reeves is my Favorite Actor. Seriously.”)

Top 5 Summer Films That Will Suck. Trust Me.

1. Little Man
2. The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift (Wouldn’t a better subtitle be: “3rd Gear”?)
3. Garfield 2
4. Superman Returns
5. Poseidon

Top 5 TV Shows That Just Need To End Already. It’s Time.

1. The West Wing
2. Scrubs
3. The O.C.
4. Charmed
5. Will & Grace

Top 5 Pieces of Entertainment I Have Recently Enjoyed

1. She’s The Man – Who knew I’d like an Amanda Bynes movie?
2. Elroy Nights – A wonderful, lyrical book by the famed Southern writer Frederick Barthelme.
3. Poolhall Junkies – It’s not Shakespeare, but it is a cool little indie starring a trove of excellent actors, led by the inimitable Christopher Walken (He has a monologue about lions that is tremendous, and vintage-Walken. He should be required to show up in every movie and recite some crazy speech, just to make it better; no film could not be improved by more Chirstopher Walken.).
4. Pros vs. Joes – I like this show so much that I can’t do it justice with a one-liner. As The Sports Guy would say, this definitely deserves it’s own column at some point.
5. Gilbert Gottfried: Dirty Jokes – I hate Gilbert Gottfried and I still loved this CD. It’s raunchy, it’s offensive and it made me laugh harder than anything I can remember lately.

Top 5 Most Overrated Current TV Shows

1. Desperate Housewives
2. Lost
3. Grey’s Anatomy
4. The Sopranos
5. 24

Top 5 Most Underrated Current TV Shows

1. Boston Legal
2. Battlestar: Galactica
3. Veronica Mars
4. Smallville
5. Out of Practice

Top 5 Funniest Wedding Crashers Movie Quotes

1. “I’m a cocksman!”
2. “Just the tip. Just for a second. Just to see how it feels.”
3. “Rule #76: No excuses. Play like a champion!”
4. “You shut your mouth when you’re talking to me.”
5. “I’d like to be cowboys from Arizona or pimps from Oakland but it’s not Halloween. Grow up.”

Top 5 Worst Bruce Willis Action Movies

1. Mercury Rising
2. Striking Distance
3. The Jackal
4. The Siege
5. Tears of the Sun

Top 5 Reasons Lost has Gone Off Its Rails

1. Michelle Rodriguez
2. Kate and her pretty pony
3. Way Too Much Tailies, Way Too Little Sayid, Hurley and Mr. Eko
4. Enough with the hatch, tell me more about the Others, already!
5. Seriously, a freakin pony?

Top 5 Most Annoying Things About MySpace

1. People Who Overuse the Bulletins To Post Useless, Annoying Crap That Nobody Cares About.
2. Friend Requests from people I don’t know. Go away, whores!
3. People With More Than 150 Friends. Dude, seriously, you don’t know that many people.
4. Clicking on a friend’s page and getting assaulted with a design for their page where you can’t see anything.
5. People bugging you about why they aren’t in your “Top Eight”. You’re not there, because I don’t like you. Climb a ladder and get over yourself.

Top 5 Celebrities Couples That Must Be Stopped

1. Brangelina
2. Britney and Kevin
3. TomKat
4. Lindsay Lohan and Cocaine
5. Vaughniston

The Top 5 Saddest Things in Entertainment So Far This Year

1. The decline of Scrubs (Damn you Zach Braff, can’t you at least try to act like you want to be there?)
2. The sad realization that Harrison Ford as we know him (believable action hero) is gone forever.
3. The look on Brad Pitt’s face every time Angelina drags him to another United Nations event.
4. Paul Giamatti losing out on a much-deserved Oscar… again.
5. The sad realization that Katie Holmes will never be “that hot girl from Dawsons Creek who got naked in the Gift” ever again.

Top 5 Most Embarassing DVD’s That I Own

1. Godzilla: Special Edition
2. Best of the Best 2 (Not nearly as cool as the original. James Earl Jones ruled in that one!)
3. Oscar (But at least I don’t own Stop, or My Mom Will Shoot!)
4. The O.C. – Season One
5. Practical Magic (Not only have I unwrapped it, it’s gotten a lot of play time.)

Bangarang!


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