The West Wing

The Central Fallacy of the Walk and Talk

Oct 1st, 2008

You’ve all seen the scene. It’s a bustling office; extras speeding around trying to look busy, ambient work noise cranked to eleven, the camera on a dolly catching all the “realistic” action. And then in comes our hero.

He strides through the office takes charge. High-fiving random co-workers, saying hello to secretaries, taking care of phone messages, booking meetings, quelling crises, doing push ups and flirting with the hottie female lead all before he even gets to his desk. We’re meant to think he’s the King of his Urban Jungle, able to take on all comers and handle all problems. And we do think that. Because all that in-control action is fun to watch.

But last night, as I was introducing a friend to the West Wing, I noticed something: everyone is in the office BUT our hero. Doesn’t that make him, I don’t know… LATE FOR WORK???

How is he never punished for walking in after EVERYONE has already begun work. Sure, the boss is allowed to be late on occasion, but if he’s the central most important figure in the office, shouldn’t he be there FIRST?

Check out Leo McGarry, walking and talking through the West Wing. Every other cast member has already dug in and gotten productive. But our Chief of Staff? Strollin’ it at his leisure:

Mad Men is making hay with this right now. McConaughey is FAMOUS for doing it in his romcoms. Tom Cruise made his lazy walk and talk name in Vanilla Sky. Michael Keaton owned in it The Paper. Eva Mendes made me vomit doing it in Hitch. And countless other stars have performed the late walk in.

Again, I get that it makes them look cool and in charge. But really? They’re just late for work and trying to look cool to distract people from noticing. And at least for me, it ain’t working.

I mean really, set some alarms, people.

Bangarang!

The Case Against: Reviving Canceled Fan-Favorite TV Shows

Aug 13th, 2007

by Jason Matthews.

7 comments

Three months ago, nearing the end of a long, rather satisfying television season, I decided not to watch the final two episodes of Veronica Mars, and instead save them for the doldrums of summer when quality television is as sparse as a Lindsay Lohan sober day (I know, I know, I promised no more cheap shots like this, but it was so easy I couldn’t help myself. It’s not easy going cold turkey on Lohan bashing. Is there a patch I can buy for this?). I knew the show was being canceled and just couldn’t reconcile losing it so quickly. May sweeps is a bullish time for a high-end TV watcher such as myself and Veronica Mars deserved my full and complete attention, not just a clock-watching commercial double bloop due to a focus distracted by my musings on what I was going to find when the Lost season finale went through the looking glass (the FUTURE… spoiler!). My desire to keep the show alive and my respect for the quality of the show meant that I would have to wait, possibly a few months, to properly say farewell to one of my favorite shows of the last decade.

This weekend I finally sat down and said goodbye to Veronica Mars. I won’t bore you with the details of my experience; if you saw the finale you know both what happened and how good it was. And if you didn’t, then you suck and it’s your fault Jim Belushi is gainfully employed by the American Broadcasting Company. No, the point of this post is not to glad-hand Rob Thomas, Kristen Bell and the rest of the makers of Veronica Mars. This post is about saying goodbye to TV shows. Making peace with what is and what is not in our hands. And understanding that sometimes, despite the best of intentions, the good ones are not always meant to be.

I wasn’t originally planning on watching the VM finale this weekend. I was busy going to Napa, hitting the Manhattan Beach AVP Tournament, writing a script for a producer and seeing my best friend off to his last year at law school. I had a full load of non-entertainment related things to do. What changed were the three Netflix discs I received this week. I’m doing a summer of TV recapping, and at the moment I’m catching up on Wonderfalls, another female-centric hour-long that was beloved by critics, adored by a small, rabid fanbase, and canceled before it’s time. And while I went through my crazy schedule, I found an occasional forty-five minutes to glance over from my computer at the wacky shenanigans of a long since canceled FOX drama.

Wonderalls I watched the first four episodes, enjoying the odd comic timing of series lead Caroline Dhavernas, the welcome appearance of William Sadler and the Matthew Fox clone they got to play Caroline’s love interest. But the thing I got the most out of the first disc was this: the show isn’t very good. The pace is stilted, the storylines are oft putting and the protagonist isn’t very likeable. In short, the show kinda blew. So much so that I didn’t even bother with the second disc (something I’ve never done) and instead jumped right to disc three and the last two episodes of the show (as a completist I wanted to see how it all ended). And after the final credits rolled I sat and pondered just what the fuss was all about.

The cancellation of Wonderfalls, like Veronica Mars, Arrested Development and a myriad of other shows, was taken rather poorly by its fanbase. A website, savewonderfalls.com, was launched in an attempt to revive the poorly rated drama from certain doom. Obviously, that did not shake out on the positive end. Now, I’m all for trumping quality television. And I support radical action. But I can’t wrap my head around going above and beyond for a show that wasn’t all that good. I can respect that the show had its supporters, heck every show has at least one loyal viewer, but with the way the television industry is constructed, specifically in the way shows are made and put on the air, I can not cotton to the idea of saving a show that is not worth saving and has no hopes for being saved.

The two great things about television are that it is democratic and unforgiving. A show is made, marketed and aired. Home viewers decide to watch it, and then decide if they like it. If they do, they watch it again the next week. If they don’t, they don’t watch it ever again. It’s a beautifully simple and merciless process. Unlike film, where even if no one goes to see a movie in theaters, you can always watch it on DVD, television shows have no real outlet when for exhibition if they fail. Pilots that don’t make it to series can pop up on You Tube (like the Aquaman pilot with Ving “Deadly Dog” Rhames), but a show that goes to series and tanks (especially ones that never finish production on their first thirteen) disappears into the mist. The odds of a series, especially an off-beat one (by off-beat I mean not CSI), are exceedingly slim. It would be easier to get a greenlight for Daddy Day Camp 2, then to get a show on the air about a teen private detective that solves crimes in her high school. Now, knowing that to be true, I submit that it’s futile and patently irresponsible to attempt to keep a show on the air that the majority of the viewing audience does not want to see.

Poor ratings are the only valid reason for canceling a television show. And as much as I might like a show, I cannot complain of its cancellation if I’m the only person watching it. Television is a business, and a poorly rated show is bad for business. Take a show that that is original, daring, well written, fiercely acted and brimming with potential. The only problem is that not enough people are tuning in to warrant its continued expensive existence; it airs 7 or 13 or 22 episodes and is canceled. Instead of decrying the network for its evil slaughter of a quality piece of entertainment, we should be grateful we even got to see it at all. Four episodes of Wonderfalls, fifty-three of Arrested Development, sixty-four of Veronica Mars, whatever number for whatever show that you loved and lost, you should be happy the show entered your life at all. Does it suck that it was canceled? Absolutely. But it’s simply the way the medium works. It’s fair, it’s just and it’s nonmoving.

Television shows are given every chance to succeed. When embraced by the viewing public they can be worth billions of dollars to the networks. They can bring in viewers for other shows. They can make stars out of nobodies. They can become iconic. Every pilot given a series order is given so because the network believed it had a shot to become iconic (yes, even crap like According to Jim). The shows may get marketed poorly (like Hidden Palms), or put in a shitty timeslot (like the J.J, Abrams dramedy Six Degrees), or get tampered with to the point where they had no shot at being successful (take the recent Traveler, for example), but in the end it is always the viewers that determine if a show stays on the air.

A poorly rated show can survive its first season on critical reception alone (see: Felicity, Arrested Development, Veronica Mars, Everwood, etc). A poorly rated show can survive its second season on minimal ratings gains and a lack of competitive pilots in its genre. But no show, no matter how good, can survive past a third season without good ratings. Period. After forty episodes, if a show has not clicked with viewers, it will never click. There have been shows that took a while to get hot. Cheers was 82nd in the ratings in its first year, only to be a top ten show by season three. But viewers don’t wait three full seasons to decide to start watching a television show. It just doesn’t happen.

This is why I cannot complain about the cancellation of Veronica Mars, Arrested Development, Wonderfalls, Sports Night, Firefly, Freaks and Geeks, et al. They were all given ample chances to succeed, and none of them did. CW prexy Dawn Ostroff worked every angle to bring Veronica Mars back for a fourth season, but the math never warranted it. They paired the show up with the network smash Gilmore Girls, and VM couldn’t retain enough of the audience. They paired the show up with advertisers to stem the production costs, but that didn’t take. Posters were put in schools and in malls. Guest stars were brought in (Harry Hamlin, Patty Duke, Kevin Smith, Joss Whedon). Nothing worked. The CW even asked series creator Rob Thomas to alter the serial format of the show and do stand alone mysteries in an attempt to bring in new viewers. The shows were bad and the new viewers never showed. The show was lucky it was on the air for as long as it was, and it’s a testament to its quality it made it past the first season at all, let alone the second. And the same goes for Arrested Development. Fox desperately wanted that show to be a hit. It would have given them artistic credibility and their first real chance at a Best Comedy Emmy. But it didn’t take. America as a whole just did not care for the Bluth family.

And we’re just gonna have to live with it.

Television shows come and go. They are transitory by nature. You enjoy them while they are there, mourn them for a time when they are gone, and then find a new show to love. This season alone I lost three of my top shelf favorite shows (Veronica Mars, The Loop & The OC), and saw the abrupt cancellation of no less than seven shows I enjoyed (Studio 60, The Class, Six Degrees, The Winner, Raines, Kidnapped, Andy Barker P.I.). Last year I lost The West Wing, AD and That 70’s Show. And this coming year I’m gonna have to say goodbye to Scrubs. Such is life as a TV watcher. You let the good ones go. You let them go because they were too good for their own good. Perhaps if Arrested Development had been dumber, Veronica Mars less complex, Wonderfalls less irritating, Firefly less overtly geeky, they would all be gearing up for their fall premiere. But if that had been the case, we would not have loved them in the first place. It was those exact qualities (brains, complexity, wit, defiance) that made them worthy of our time.

Jericho This all leads to my thoughts on the successful campaign to bring back CBS’s nuclear fall out thriller Jericho. I watched the premiere, laughed at the notion of Skeet Ulrich carrying a network drama and promptly judged the show as mediocre. I never watched it again, but apparently many people in the fall did. It was a modest hit with the potential to break out. However, CBS pulled it from the schedule for four months, a big no-no for serialized shows (just ask Lost), and on its return the audience shrunk faster than the second weekend box office for The Matrix Revolutions. CBS promptly canceled the show, and that’s when the nuts started arriving. Fans of Jericho swarmed CBS offices with bags of nuts, an in-joke from the show, in an attempt to prove that Jericho was worth saving. After a few metric tons of nuts showed up CBS gave in and renewed the series for an eight episode second season. This was a mistake.

Jericho’s ratings will not improve. The show is too insular for it to be a breakout hit, and the mythology of the show is on the verge of becoming too dense for new viewers to wade through. Plus, hello, Skeet Ulrich is the series lead. If Jericho was as good as these crazy nut senders would lead you to believe, than the drop-off from fall to spring would not have been so severe. Lost was still a hit after taking three months off, last season. 24 and American Idol continue to do well despite having a nearly seven month layoff between seasons. Good shows that people like do well regardless of the timeslot or disparity between new episodes. Take Moonlighting, a show that never aired more than 16 episodes in a nine month season, yet won a slew of Emmy’s, made a star out of Bruce Willis and aired for five years.

CBS flinched at the overwhelming viewer response because they haven’t had a show worthy of such an act in decades. Nobody is freaking out if NCIS gets canceled, know what I mean? Aside from How I Met Your Mother, Jericho is the only young skewing show on their network, and young viewers are quite easily made mental (just ask the Fox Network); heck the campaign probably started because people were so shocked that CBS was airing such a hip show and didn’t want that to end. Similar campaigns worked for Veronica Mars and Gilmore Girls in seasons past because their network didn’t have a good enough replacement, and because their target demographic was the exact same people leading the charge. Campaigns for Wonderfalls and Firefly didn’t work because FOX had replacement junk at its beck and call. They go through shows like Mandy Patinkin goes through TV series’. Jericho will fail on its return and CBS will never again bring back a struggling show with a tenuous plot concept. The Nuts-heads have effectively ruined the chances for any future big three drama that is even minutely difficult. Way to push your chips in for the star of Chill Factor, dicks.

Let these shows go, kids. No less than 60 shows are set to debut in the next four months, and that doesn’t even include cable. Pushing Daises, Bionic Woman, Private Practice, Chuck, Journeyman, Viva Laughlin, Moonlight, Reaper, K-Ville, The Sarah Conner Chronicles; these shows need our help now. Forget the Jericho’s and The Nine’s and the Andy Barker’s and the What About Brian’s. They had their shot and they blew it. Nobody wanted them around. It’s time to give the new kids a chance. Because maybe one of them will turn out to be the next Arrested Development or Veronica Mars. Maybe your favorite television show of all time hasn’t even aired yet. Isn’t that more worth your attention? Let’s not bemoan the loss of shows that had multiple chances to succeed, and instead enjoy the new batch of pilots and put all our efforts into keeping the good ones from failing.

I will miss Veronica Mars for some time. But in the end, maybe it’s just for the best. When the Ben Stiller Show was canceled Ben Stiller and Janeane Garofalo became movie stars, and head writer Judd Apatow became Judd Apatow. Bryan Fuller failed on Wonderfalls but is getting a second chance with the infinitely better (and more precious) Pushing Daises. The failure of Sports Night led to The West Wing. Bill Lawrence bombed on Spin City and came back to give us Scrubs. Will Arnett, Jason Bateman and Michael Cera are all top-lining movies now. And I look forward to seeing what will become of Kristen Bell and Rob Thomas. I predict they’re going to be giving us quality entertainment for many years to come. Their show may be dead, but the mark left by the show on the industry will linger for years to come.

And that’s the real lesson for why good shows get canceled before their time. So that the makers can go on to make better shows. Speaking off, if you’ll excuse me I need to go catch the new David Duchovny tittyball show on Showtime, created by Tom Kapinos, a guy who used to produce a little show called Dawson’s Creek. From the ashes of poorly written teen angst cancellation, to the phoenix-like rebirth of soft-core Duchovny cable porn. TV, it’s a beautiful thing.

The Verdict: Renewal is a waste, bring on the newbies.

Bangarang!

25 Birthday Wishes

Jul 6th, 2006

by Jason Matthews.

6 comments

It is the title of the last episode of The West Wing that Aaron Sorkin ever wrote.

It is the smallest square that can be written as a sum of two squares.

It is the age Kevin Smith was when he made Mallrats.

It is when a kid starts having his/her Quarter Life Crisis.

It is the size of a Major League Baseball roster.

It is how old Zach Braff was when he wrote Garden State.

And it is the age I will be turning on Sunday the 9th of July.

To mark the occasion I’ve compiled a list of birthday wishes that I want to use to make Hollywood -and entertainment in general- into a better place to live and work. Why be so altruistic and not horde my wishes on selfish, material things? Here’s the reason: I know it’s only a matter of time before Steven Spielberg asks me to write his next movie. I already have a girl better than Natalie Portman (The Lady is much cuter, a terrific actress AND doesn’t mind my intense body hair. Darth Vader can keep the Portman.) And I’ve resigned myself to Dan Marino never winning a Super Bowl (unless I’m playing Madden). So I’m not going to waste my birthday wishes on those things. Instead, I’m going to waste them on this optimistic wish list of pop culture improvements. Especially number four. And since I’m an expert (candle) blower, I fully expect to see these wishes fulfilled. Even more especially number twelve.

1. I wish that Eddie Murphy would return to stand up comedy. I’ve been waiting for Eddie to drop an F-Bomb since the 1995 abortion known as Vampire in Brooklyn.

2. I wish Ben Affleck would make a glorious return to the silver screen. My world’s just not the same without the star of Surviving Christmas and Reindeer Games. After all, he was the bomb in Phantoms, yo!

3. I wish that The Last Kiss would become the spiritual sequel to Garden State (and with an equally great soundtrack).

4. I wish that Airborne, Rad and Monster Squad would get released on DVD with big fat honking special editions. They’re my three favorite films that aren’t on DVD, which is insane because ABC Family Channel used to play Airborne every three hours like clockwork.

5. I wish that Spielberg, Ford and Lucas would decide NOT to make Indiana Jones 4. Indy rode off into the sunset after finding the Holy freaking Grail. How do you top that? Ford is pushing 65; do they really expect us to suspend our disbelief that this AARP member is still believable whipping Nazi’s and running from boulders and bad blonde actresses? Let it go, guys. Let it go…

6. I wish George Lucas would make an indie movie, just to see what it would be about.

7. I wish the Arclight had a brother.

8. I wish there was a theater in Los Angeles that was solely devoted to showing new, digital works. There are interesting, captivating films out there, done by daring new digital filmmakers, but we have yet to find a suitable distribution venue for them, and as such, studios have picked the rights up to very few of them. This needs to change. And while we’re on the subject of things that need to change at movie theaters, I wish we could find a legal way to stop idiots from bringing their kids into R-Rated movies. Or Moms who bring their babies into Friday night shows. I wish we could find a non-lethal, fully legal way of tasering people who talk on their cell phones during the movie; or crushing the larynx of assholes who won’t stop talking, even when you do the half turn glance, then full turn stare, then full turn stare and “Ssshh” them, and then they glare at you. I hate people.

9. I wish Hollywood would make Dolph “I must break you” Lundgren the new Mickey Rourke, and start casting him as a badass in every Tony Scott movie.

10. I wish I didn’t hate going to the movies now.

11. I wish Tenacious Dwould hurry up and release their next album. I can’t keep listening to Tribute (It’s the greatest and best song in the world.), my iPod refuses to play it for the thousandth time.

12. I wish gratuitous T & A would make a comeback.

13. I wish James Cameron would hurry up already and make his goddamn next movie. Those IMAX movies don’t count. And neither does Aquaman.

14. I wish I didn’t know the ending of Rocky Balboa.

15. I wish John Hughes would come back (I bet Shermer, Illinois is a happening place these days).

16. I wish the Academy would break up their acting awards the way the Emmys and the Golden Globes split up drama and comedy. There are far too many comedic performances that get overlooked (Paul Giamatti in Sideways, Jim Carrey in The Truman Show, John Travolta in Get Shorty). The highlight of this change would be the possibility that Adam Sandler might eventually be nominated for an Oscar, a sure sign of the apocalypse and the end of mankind as we know it.

17. I wish Shane Black would make a sequel to Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang (or Long Kiss Goodnight).

18. I wish Paris Hilton would just go away.

19. I wish Hollywood would stop knocking The Valley (Ahem, Entourage! Dicks.). It’s cheap, it’s not funny, it’s invariably not true, and it’s so 80’s to do it. So step off my turf, Hollywood, we like to keep it respectful in Camelot.

20. I wish they had made Angels & Demons first.

21. I wish Steve Kloves knocks “The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time” right out of the park.

22. I wish NBC would finally green light the Quantum Leap spin-off (Quantum Leap: A Bold Leap Forward) that I have been waiting for, for thirteen years. Everyone, please go and by a Quantum Leap DVD box set (I recommend season 3 for it’s heart-wrenching Vietnam-set finale), so we can show the network that this property is worthy of another go round.

23. I wish this movie would get made.

24. I wish people would agree with me about Keanu Reeves.

25. I wish that success in this industry wasn’t about getting on the cover of US Magazine, or blowing some low-rent casting director, or doing blow in a night club bathroom, or releasing a sex tape, or having pictures “stolen” from your house, or lip-synching on SNL, or doing a cloying reality show, or dating a troubled aging movie star, or pimping your religion, or fluctuating your body so harshly that no fourteen year-old in their right mind would want you as a role model, or picking scripts based on money and not based on quality, or becoming a brand name and spending all your time shilling your custom sneakers instead of working on your craft, or quantity over quality, or being mean to people who don’t deserve it, or being able to screw the little guy, or yelling at PA’s, or suing a tabloid when the story was true, or getting Botoxed, or releasing a vanity music project, or dressing like a whore on the red carpet, or revealing TMI in Vanity Fair, or mailing in your latest movie, or not respecting who and what came before you, or for trading on your celebrity to get free shit, or for generally being a stupid human being in the public eye and ruining the image of what a movie star should be.

I wish it was just about the work. Or at the very least, your willingness to show a little T & A.

Bangarang! (And Happy Birthday to me.)

Subscribe to my RSS Feed.

15 People Who Make MY America Great

Jun 30th, 2006

by Jason Matthews.

7 comments

Last week Newsweek magazine came out with a cover story called “15 People Who Make America Great“. This is all well and good except for one thing: Brad Pitt excluded, I don’t know who the hell any of them are. How exactly do they make America great if the average American (and I proudly consider myself average) has no earthly idea they even exist? As intrigued as I am by the idea that there is an easily corralled group of people that are doing real, altruistic good for this country on a day to day basis, I couldn’t get around the fact that I couldn’t relate to anyone in the group. Not a one of them, Papa Pitt included, affect my life on a day-to-day basis. And further more, none of them affect any type of change that echoes in my personal world.

And then there’s the question of what defines “making America great”. What America are we talking about here? Are we talking about a specific segment of people like the homeless community living in every major city? The GLBT community currently being repressed and marginalized? The affluent white people living in the hilltop mansions in Malibu and the Hamptons? The undereducated Midwest? Or are we talking about all Americans rolled up into one big, multi-cultural, very rank USA Ball? Just how exactly are we defining the America that these 15 people are supposedly improving?

Those two problems have stuck with me since I first read about the article online more than five days ago. Now I’m going to tell you a secret, one that I don’t often like to share because it engenders odd looks in whoever I tell it to. I am apathetic to pretty much anything that doesn’t affect me on a day-to-day basis. I don’t read the newspaper, I get my news from the Daily Show (when I even watch it, which is barely occasionally), I live in LA, which means my world view pretty much begins and ends with US Weekly, and I don’t have an opinion about the war in Iraq. More pointedly, while I have a good friend who is the Associate Producer for the new documentary “Who Killed the Electric Car”, and have another friend who is campaigning to put a Hybrid in every driveway in the country, I desperately want to buy an SVU. And again, I proudly consider myself an average American. So color me surprised that nearly a week later I am left irritated by a self-serving human interest story in a magazine I would never even pick up in a grocery store if it didn’t have an A-List celebrity on the cover.

I spent some time thinking about it and came to a conclusion: I am still bothered by the piece because I do have pride for this country, but that my pride is directly related to the America that I create in my own life. One of the great things about this country is our ability to create the environment we want and to not have to deviate that environment for anything short of an earthquake. Or whatever natural disaster that tends to befall your area of the country. I live in Los Angeles, so my environment is one of entertainment. My brother lives in Boston and goes to a musical school, so his environment is collegiate and musical and he loves it. And on and on. What I’m getting at is that the Newsweek piece is an intriguing concept, but has a misguided execution. They really should have called the piece “15 Random People Who Make America Great”, so as to unify readers behind their selections. But by claiming that these 15 people are THE 15 people for everyone in the country is ignorant and oft putting.

This is a concept that screams for personalization. Which would solve both of the problems I posited earlier. Creating my own list would not only define my personal environment, but also what America I believe in. Those 15 people would be the real “15 People Who Make America Great”, but specifically for me. And not ten minutes after I decided to make the list, I was done. They came so quickly I surprised myself. Merely off the top of my head I was able to name the group of people that most affect my life in a positive way. And that’s when I realized I’m not as apathetic as I thought. I’m just selfish. But that’s OK, because being selfish is a wholly American quality. Told you I was an average American.

So here’s my list of “The 15 People Who Make MY America Great” (in no particular order).

1. Steve Jobs – From the iPod I use to listen to music, to the iBook I’m typing this post on, to the trailers I watch on Quicktime, to the chat program I use to talk to friends, Steve Jobs is responsible, directly or indirectly for all of them. As my friend Tim puts it, he brings large scale technology to the masses, and does it in a positive way. I couldn’t agree more. It also helps his case that he funds Pixar, currently the best production company on the planet. He is also now essentially running Disney, which gives me assurance that the company who owns my childhood may continue to bring joy to kids around the world, for decades to come, instead of continuing to sell corporate greed the way they’ve been doing for the last decade. If I was watching that Pirates of Silicon Valley movie when it first came out I would have so been rooting for Anthony Michael Hall / Bill Gates (and not just because Hall is Farmer Ted). But now, if it showed up on TNT at three in the morning, I’d be all about Noah Wyle.

2. Marc Cuban – Despite knowing nothing about the film industry, having no creative spark of any kind, and being a pretty big blowhard, he is doing more good for the world of entertainment that almost anyone not named George Lucas. He bought the Landmark Cinema chain, and is restoring each theater. As well, he is exhibiting indie movies that would never have gotten theatrical distribution under any circumstances. Through his 2929 Entertainment production label he is funding interesting, experimental cinema like: Goodnight, and Good Luck, Bubble, Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room, and the underrated John C. Reilly movie Criminal. He is one of the leading proponents of digital cinema. He runs a highly entertaining basketball team. And he’s a complete blowhard. He rules.

3. Reed Hastings – Is on this list for one simple, beautiful reason: He created Netflix.

4. Aaron Sorkin – Beyond creating, writing and producing two of my favorite television shows in the world, his work has most inspired me as a writer. His masterful grasp of dialogue drives me to work harder. And his ability to write complex, adult stories that appeal to people who don’t even understand them (Let’s face it, The West Wing was a pretty Byzantine show even when it was talking about simple stuff.) is a marvel in today’s dumb-down entertainment. But moreover, he’s on my list because for a time in 2000-2001 Sorkin made me care about politics, and take an active interest in the things that were going on around me. I didn’t think I’d like that, but I was wrong. He taught me more about civic duty, domestic policy and the ways and means of modern government than any half rate college course ever could.

And really, how can I not include him when he gave me lines of dialogue like this: “I gotta tell ya, at this point the length of this conversation is way out of proportion to my interest in it.”

5. Jenna Jameson – Brought porn to the mainstream. Runs an excellent MySpace page. Has given me hours of, um, nighttime good times. Was the only reason to see the Howard Stern movie. Did I mention she helped legitimize porn? Which is good if you have a girlfriend and want to keep your, um collection. Who doesn’t love Jenna Jameson?

6. Kevin Smith – For his accessibility and for the way he inspired average slackers to cling to their dreams of becoming filmmakers. For giving us Jay and Silent Bob and for being the real reason Good Will Hunting was made (and subsequently the career of Ben Affleck). For being sharp, smart and funny and making no apologies for it. For Clerks: The Cartoon Series and An Evening With Kevin Smith. For stopping Jon Peters from putting a giant metal spider in the new Superman movie and for refusing to do the new Fletch movie without Jason Lee. Hell, for giving us Jason Lee. He makes me want to be a better writer. And he’s living proof that you can get by on your wits and wit alone.

7. My MySpace Top 12 – This one’s a no-brainer. Everyone should have friends and family on their list of 15 People. Log on to MySpace, bring up my profile and take a look at My Top 12 friends. Those are the immediate people in my life that matter to me and make my America great. My Mom, Dad and brothers are not on MySpace, otherwise they’d be there too. But them, Nina, Andy, Tim, Lena, Dimo, Galvez and all the rest deserve to be on this list. Also, they would have killed me if I put, like, Dan Marino on the list instead of them.

8. Zach Braff – The soundtrack for Garden State alone makes him worthy of this list. But he’s also responsible for the best Natalie Portman role she will ever have. He’s the star of my favorite sitcom (Scrubs). And his next movie looks like a continuation of the themes of Garden State, and not a cheap cash-in he so easily could have done. His career is one I’d like to emulate. Especially the part where he made out with Natalie Portman in the rain.

9. The Gossip Bloggers – They bring joy to my life by taking the joy away from celebrities. I read Defamer, Egotastic and The Superficial every day. They inform me of the goings on of Britney, Paris, TomKat and all the rest, and they remind me that the goal isn’t to be a celebrity, cause those people suck, but to be someone who actually works and does good work. Plus, they show pictures of hot actresses in bikinis. I’m a simple man; it doesn’t take much to make me a happy American man. But Jessica Alba beach pictures will do it.

10. Jon Stewart – I really want to be sincere about putting him on this list, but I just can’t. I watch his show, I learn about current events, but I don’t really care. Secretly, if no one ever read this list, number 10 would actually look like this:

10. Ryan Seacrest – For making it OK for me to like being clean, like wearing clothes that match, like having stuff in my hair, like rocking the three day stubble and like crappy pop music. Sure he may be a national joke, and he certainly isn’t as important a public figure as Jon Stewart, but dammit, he brings me American Idol. At a certain point you have to give up your pretension and just say thank you for that!

11. Tom – He helped create MySpace, which has made communicating with friends and random hot girls so much easier. I have found old friends, reconnected with people I long since wrote off, and read the innermost personal thoughts of people I had no interest in learning more about. I get to see pictures of friends, I get to say I have Jenna Jameson and Kevin Smith as friends, I get to spy on ex-girlfriends and I get to pimp my website. It’s a good service, and if it didn’t exist I don’t know how I’d keep all my friends.

12. Bill Simmons – If there’s one person that has influenced me the most in my career, it would be Bill Simmons. His work as The Sports Guy on Digital City Boston and now on ESPN.com made me realize that I could be successful as a humorist; that I could reach an audience of people who were clamoring for like-minded content. And he also taught me about sports. Which for a guy who has watched fifteen years of football but couldn’t tell you what a 4-3 Defense is to save his life, is definitely a good thing. He got me excited about following baseball and basketball. He taught me how to gamble on Football. He clued me in on how to do Las Vegas the real way (lots of gambling, lots of Jack and Cokes, very little strippers). But mostly he taught me that my voice is all that matters. And that if my voice was strong enough, like James Earl Jones would say, “People will come”. More than 150,000 people have read my work since I launched TheJay.com, and in it’s core form, that accomplishment belongs to Bill Simmons.

13. Tom Cruise – You have to laugh at something, and for me, Tom Cruise is that something. I don’t know why he decided to go off the reservation, but I’m grateful for it. Whenever I start envying those jackass millionaire actors who seemingly have it all, The Cruiser reminds me that they’re all nuts and married to zombies, and I start liking my life a little better. Also Jerry Maguire, Collateral, A Few Good Men, Minority Report and Risky Business kick ass.

14. Lance Armstrong – He’s inspirational in a way that seems completely irrational. No one in this country cared about cycling (even the people who do the sport) until Lance Armstrong lost a ball and started winning the Tour de France. His resiliency and determination to beat his illness has helped people draw strength in their own fights against disease. Also, nailed Sheryl Crow and invented those bracelet. That bracelet that I see on every other person, yet I have no idea to get for myself. And whenever I ask someone, “Hey, where’d you get the Livestrong bracelet?”, none of them can tell me. It’s the strangest phenomenon. It’s as if Armstrong created the little yellow rubber thing, flew up into the atmosphere like Superman, dropped a half ton of them and people started finding them in the street. It’s inexplicable, but then again, so is finding inspiration in a guy that rides a bicycle (and wasn’t in the movie Rad).

15. Steven Spielberg – Aside from creating the childhood fantasies of 80% of the kids in the 80’s, he also grows a sweet beard. Aside from continuing to further the technological advancement of film and digital cinema, he also makes small, non-CGI based personal movies. Aside from all the charities he donates to, he also has adopted five children, all from impoverished areas (suck on that Brangelina!). And aside from the fact that he is our greatest living movie director, he’s also apparently a heck of a nice guy. And seriously, he’s Steven freaking Spielberg. If he doesn’t make mine and everyone else’s America great, then I don’t know how does.

Bangarang!

Subscribe to my RSS Feed.

Final Network TV Report Card

May 25th, 2006

by Jason Matthews.

1 comment

If you missed my Mid-Sweeps Network Report Card, CLICK HERE.

Six networks, 25 shows and a stocked TiVo’s worth of snark ahead of us. Let’s jump right into the network grades and show recaps, and I’ll see you at the bottom for a few Official TheJay.com 2006 TV Season Awards.

ABC

- Boston Legal– Too many guest stars, too many cast members, not nearly enough Bergen on Shatner action. And yet even though BL has turned into the new Will & Grace whore king of Cameoville, I cannot in good conscience hate on Spader, Shatner, Bergen or Bowen. And watching James Spader and Parker Posey go at it in the season finale was like geek candy, I could never get enough. Speaking of Posey, her race with Bowen in the finale was just about the funniest piece of physical comedy I’ve seen in years.

Grade: A

- Commander in Chief– How can a show this bad continue to get chances? ABC loves it, then puts it on hiatus, brings it back with a full press barrage, then yanks it after one episode and cancels it. And just when we thought we would never have to think about Charlie Baltimore as our President, ABC decides to bring it back as a two hour movie in the Fall. The show was never that good. It nearly killed Steven Bocho (And in only a couple months. Cop Rock couldn’t even do that!). And the ratings were terrible. At a certain point, say when C-in-C was getting crushed by House, American Idol AND Veronica Mars, you gotta just cut your losses. For the love of God, just cut your losses.

Grade: F

- Desperate Housewives– I just want to say for the record that I called the sophomore slump on this one. Any show that centers on catty women will always do well on initial release (heck, even Charmed was once a hit), and then slowly degrade into nothingness. It also doesn’t help that the show added too many characters too soon, separated the girls for too long and too often, and was never able to capitalize on the buzz or goodwill it generated last year (Also, simmer down Teri. We don’t need to see you in your panties on the cover of Vanity Fair talking about getting molested. Tacky, much?). I give it one more year before ABC pulls the show of Sundays and buries it on Friday nights at ten.

Grade: C-

- Grey’s Anatomy– Katherine Heigl owned that finale, despite the storyline being the very definition of ludicrous. Meredith gets more annoying, selfish and unwatchable by the episode. And Patrick Dempsey has become the unofficial “biggest asshole on TV”, right ahead of Jack from Lost, Leah Remini and Simon Cowell. And despite all of that, the show still brings it well. The writing is crisp and unique, the acting is uniformly excellent (led by the amazing Isaiah Washington), and it makes my Lady cry once a week. Basically, it’s a great show.

Grade: A

- Lost– Terrible for most of the year, downright unwatchable for any episode geared around Charlie, Claire or Ana Lucia, but really REALLY good by season’s end. The finale was the best episode all season, and maybe the best since the beginning of the first season. It was both wildly overhyped (Sure J.J., that really was the best season finale EVER in the history of television EVER! Just like MI:3 was the best spy movie ever. Same thing.), yet oddly satisfying, it that it finally gave us answers to questions we’ve had since Day One, and gave us a brand new set of questions to ponder. They finally admitted they screwed up with the Tailies, and kicked off the trouble girls; they settled the conspiracies behind the button, the plane crash, they showed us more of the Island (a foot statue? WTF, mate?) and best of all, they destroyed the goddamn hatch. For that alone I gotta praise the show.

Grade: A-

ABC’s Overall Network Grade: B-

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

CBS

- Two and a Half Men– In the face of a nasty divorce, tabloid thrashing, online sex scandals and general public unrest, Ma-Sheen still takes care of business, making this show the number one comedy on ALL of television. Which basically means one thing… nothing can kill the Ma-Sheen.

Grade: B

- How I Met Your Mother– A surprisingly young, funny CBS sitcom that is perfect to have on either in the background, or watch in closed captions at the gym while you’re on the treadmill. So essentially it’s a funny show as long as you don’t pay too much attention to it. Which is a step up for CBS, so mazel tov to the eye network!

Grade: C

- Ghost Whisperer– They killed off Aisha Tyler! How you gonna go and do that to a former Talk Soup host? What’s next, Queer as Folk giving Hal Sparks AIDS and the TV Guide Channel canning John Henson? Pray for Joel McHale people, pray for him.

Grade: C-

- CSI:Miami– What do you think the over/under is on how many times this season David Caruso ripped off his sunglasses for dramatic effect? 100? 175? He probably has arthritis up and down his arm, after wearing down his “Sunglass Rip-off Bone”. That’s a medical term, by the way.

Grade: B-

CBS’s Overall Network Grade: C+

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

FOX

- 24– RIP Pedro Cerrano. Even though you only batted .091 against the curve, you were still the best fictional president since Jed Bartlett, and that goes a long way in my book.

Grade: B

- American Idol– Dude, freaking Prince showed up. That owns! Even though the hated Soul Patrol won, and my McPhee-ver has finally broken, at least I got to see Prince do his thing. As Dave Chappelle would say, “Game, blouses!”

Grade: A

- House– I’ll admit I missed more than half the season (it was on opposite Scrubs and I don’t have TiVo), but what I did see, I loved. I liked that Cameron finally moved on from House, I liked Sela Ward coming in and screwing with House, and I always like to see Lisa Edelstein get screen time. My favorite aspect of the show is seeing actors I’ve liked in other places (John Cho, for example) come on and look like crap for a full hour. There’s no better role on television that playing House’s patient of the week. You get a big sickness scene, one big emotional confession, and seven scenes of you looking ungodly bad. Makes for a nice career boost.

Grade: B+

- The O.C.– My thoughts on this show have already been well documented, so I’ll use this space to list the five things I used to love about The O.C.

1. Bilson in the Wonder Woman costume.

2. Ben McKenzie challenging Ian Ziering as the oldest looking high school student in entertainment history.

3. Waiting for the camera to explode after trying and failing to fit both of Peter Gallagher’s eyebrows in frame.

4. “Welcome to the OC, bitch!”

5. Marissa Cooper dying in a fiery car crash. What? That was awesome, and I’m going to miss seeing it every week.

Grade: C-

- Prison Break– Can you really call your show “Prison Break” if all the characters break out of the prison? Don’t you then have to change it to, I don’t know, “Not Prison Break” or “The Fugitive Rip-off”?

Grade: C+

FOX’s Overall Network Grade: B

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

NBC

- The Office– I gotta throw some love The Office’s way because they cast my old acting coach, Melora Hardin, as Steve Carell’s love interest. Also, it’s a show full of geeks about people acting geeky. How can I hate on that? NBC better not screw this one up, or let Carell go.

Grade: A

- My Name is Earl– The show lost some steam after a WAAAAY too over-hyped series premiere. I don’t think it’s strong enough to anchor a night yet, and there’s a better than average chance it gets lost in the Thursday shuffle of CSI, Grey’s Anatomy, Survivor, The OC next year. But one thing remains the same: seeing Jason Lee act every week is a pleasure. One I have no intention of giving up.

Grade: A

- Scrubs– OK, so maybe Zach Braff does want to be there. But for a while he looked more bored than me during my second viewing of Magnolia. And as much as I laughed my ass of at the season finale (Zoom, zoom, zoom!), the show went back to its stupid, futile gimmick of hooking JD up with a guest star. We know Elizabeth Banks isn’t coming on as a series regular, so why should I invest in her character or in their relationship? It didn’t work with Heather Graham, Amy Smart or Mandy Moore, three actresses I dig, so it’s most definitely not going to work here, with an actress I’m indifferent too.

Grade: B

- The West Wing– Here’s what I was happy with: CJ ending up with Danny Concannon, Will going to run for Congress, Charlie getting into Georgetown, Sotckard Channing finally getting her season one haircut back. Here’s what I didn’t like: A wasted penultimate episode of Santos and Vinick, no resolution for Toby and no scenes between Sam and Toby. Here’s what I hated: No resolution to Josh and Donna, Sam getting ad-pimped by The Powers That Be and then getting wasted with three scenes over two episodes, and most of all, that I’ll never get to watch a brand new episode of this show ever again. Oh well, at least there’s Studio 60 in the fall.

Grade: B

NBC’s Overall Network Grade: B-

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The WB

- Gilmore Girls– Don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, Hate Lauren Graham, don’t care. I wish The CW hadn’t decided to bring it back, because without series creator Amy Sherman Palladino, the show’s going down the tubes. Also, did I mention I hate Lauren Graham? (One of these days I really have to write a column about all the hateful celebrities who yelled at me while I was an extra.)

Grade: C-

- Smallville– Lex hooked up with Lana? Spike came in as Braniac? Aquaman didn’t get picked up? They killed Bo Duke? Brandon Routh made Tom Welling irrelevant? Lionel Luther is banging Ma Kent? Erica Durance got another FHM cover? Can I stop asking questions now? Did I even watch this show this season? The answer to the last one is “no”.

Grade: B-

- Supernatural– I’m sure I’ll start watching this show again eventually, but since The WB decided not to market ANY of their shows this season, cut their losses and just lame duck it until the Fall, I decided not to help their final ratings. Also, screw you guys for canceling Everwood. You pissed off my Moms, and you took Treat Williams off of network TV. The man was the Substitute, for god sakes! Show some respect.

Grade: C

The WB’s Overall Network Grade: D
(Automatic half grade drop due to The CW stupidly deciding to renew 7th Heaven AFTER they had aired the season finale. You can only say goodbye once, jackasses.)

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

UPN

- Veronica Mars– Uh oh… another question barrage coming… can’t stop it…. Here we go! Veronica was raped again? Cordelia was laundering what now? Wallace has a police daddy? Enrico Colantoni can kick people’s asses? Lisa Rinna shot herself on a freeway? Steve Guttenberg is still alive? Series killer Paula Marshall is Veronica’s friend now? Iceman from X-Men got it on with Veronica? Is this the weirdest how on television? Do I need to rewatch the entire season just to make sense of it all? Is Veronica Mars maybe a bit too confusing for it’s own good? The answer to the last one is “yes”.

Grade: A

- Everybody Hates Chris– The CW decided to bury this awesome show on Sundays at 7pm, why now? Do they have that much other content that’s better than this? Did we really need a 37th cycle of America’s Next Top Model? Did Beauty and the Geek need to get re-aired four times? What was it that made them think this show wasn’t good enough for true primetime? Was it the awesome critical reception? Was it the star power of series creator Chris Rock? Was it the fact that it was one of the funniest new shows of the season? Probably all of the above. Way to go, CW. I see you have more UPN in you than I originally thought.

Grade: A

UPN’s Overall Network Grade: B
(Automatic one grade drop because these are only two shows on the entire network worth watching at all.)

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

So here’s how the final network report card looks: ABC dropped hard with a sophomore dramatic slump, NBC stayed solid with their slew of quality comedies and look to have the most promising fall lineup (Sorkin’s back, Tina Fey’s on the way and the NFL is finally back on NBC). CBS is still old but is trying to get younger, FOX made some traditional bonehead moves (I still can’t believe they canceled Arrested Development), but they did some good to (They renewed The Loop, just like I said they should.). And UPN and The WB got married, killed some of their kids (RIP Everwood), resurrected a beast (You suck, 7th Heaven!) and decided that it was easier to suck as one network, then it would be as two.

I’m awarding the 2005-2006 Network TV Season to FOX, for 24, House, Idol, Family Guy and The Loop. Congratulations to FOX; I can’t wait to see what’s in store for the Fall. And now for some meaningless awards.

The “Official” 2006 TheJay.com TV Season Awards:

Biggest Shocker of the Season: Did they just kick off Chris Daughtry? You mean I get more McPhee? Suh-WEET! Peace out, bald guy! Go have fun fronting Creed.

Worst Shocker of the Season: Oh wait, you mean Henry Gale really WAS an Other? You’re kidding me!

Best New Show: My Name is Earl

Worst New Show: The Book of Daniel

Best Returning Show: Scrubs

Worst Returning Show: Desperate Housewives

Best Reason To Watch TV This Season: Watching Kiefer Sutherland yell at people. “WHERE IS THE FILE?” “TELL ME WHAT I WANT TO KNOW?” “DID YOU LIKE ME IN FLATLINERS?” TELL ME NOW!!!!”

Final Word on the Season: Wait, tell me again why that statue had four toes?

Bangarang!

The 10 Most Burning Questions in Hollywood

May 12th, 2006

by Jason Matthews.

No comments yet

1. What does the disappointing box office take for M:I 3 mean for the biggest star in the world, our very own Crazy Cruiser?

It means that the Tom Cruise we have come to know and expect on the big screen is gone forever. He can’t do another Mission movie, he probably can’t justify another action movie, it’s doubtful that we’ll still believe him in a drama (ala The Last Samurai), he’s never really done a horror movie, he’s too old for sports movies now and he definitely can’t do a romantic comedy. And TV is definitely out of the question. So it raises the question, is Tom Cruise’s career over?

We might be getting ahead of ourselves, seeing as how M:I 3 did $120 Million worldwide in its first weekend, which is a success by any stretch of the imagination. But things are definitely going to change. The sad fact is that for the last twenty years he has been a dependable, enjoyable big-screen presence, and now we barely find him believable as a human being. All his real-life craziness aside, the death of Tom the Movie Star is a much bigger blow to Hollywood that the death of Tom the Person. Because really, where does he go from here? He can’t go the indie route, because he costs too much money and he would drag down the merits of the film with all his personal baggage. He can’t direct like Clint or Mel or Kevin Costner (And who would want to see A Film By Tom Cruise, anyway?). Anything he produces that he doesn’t star in, tanks (Without Limits, Ask the Dust, Elizabethtown, Suspect Zero). So what else can he do? He’s got to find a way to keep his acting career going.

I think there’s only one thing he can do to fix his image: go into hiding. Just check out and disappear. Take a year or two off, quietly sign on for a well-written drama and then come back on the merits of his acting abilities. The tabloids are fickle and will happily move onto the next celebrity carcass. In two or three years Tom Cruise going batshit crazy will be as well-remembered as Julia’s marriage to Lyle Lovett, Free Winona or Halle Berry pulling a hit and run. We forget this, but he’s done nothing wrong. He hasn’t killed anyone, stolen anything, done drugs, beaten anyone up or had a huge public meltdown (couch-jumping not withstanding). It’s entirely believable that he’s going through a particularly bad mid-life crisis; an affliction many will forgive him for. And besides, short of him being truly sociopathic, a mid-life crisis is the only possible explanation for his bizarre behavior, anyway.

Nineteen years of good standing and tabloid and audience respect do not just vanish into thin air. The man is merely over-exposed and off the grid. If we can bring him back and dry him out, maybe we can get more movies like A Few Good Men and Jerry Maguire out of him. I still like the Tom Cruise I grew up with. And even though I’m enjoying the batshit craziness he has become, I do still cling to the hope that it’s all just one big joke, or one big, ill-conceived phase. Why couldn’t he have a Travolta in Pulp Fiction-like renaissance? The man used to be Tom freakin’ Cruise. He took down Col. Nathan Jessip. He saved the CIA Noc list. He won the Daytona 500. He flew fighter plans in the Gulf. He found someone that completed him. So who’s to say he can’t find his way back to us. Give him time, he’ll figure it out and in the meantime, we’ll be waiting.

2. They kicked off Chris Daughtry??? How’d that happen?

Easily, actually, as he’s been terrible for weeks, but nobody’s noticed because he doesn’t have any competition in his category. Last year Constantine got the surprise boot because he wasn’t as good a rock star as Bo (also because he sucked and had ugly, greasy hair). Had Bo not been there, Constantine would probably have won the whole damn thing. The fact of the matter is that Chris had been mailing in psuedo-rock performances since day one, never deviated from that genre and coasted mostly on his wicked side-burns and slow-burn delivery. When it was finally time to buck up and show his range, he revealed he didn’t have one. Frankly, I’m glad he’s gone. I was never wowed by him, either as a singer or a personality. I was never going to buy a Chris Daughtry album, whereas I will definitely pick up the McPhee-ver LP (Which should be called Katherine McPhee: All Moves, No Fashion Sense).

So with the favorite getting the boot, Idol getting its suspiciously well-timed publicity boost (hmmm…) and all the fans in a tizzy, who’s gonna win this thing now? I continue to believe that America is just dumb enough to give it to Taylor Hicks. Mark my words, in three weeks the next American Idol will be a spastic, manic, grey-haired twang rocker, who will promptly fall off the face of the Earth and then end up cutting the ribbon on mall openings in five years. Mark my words.

3. Will the Lost season finale be any good, or will it as most suspect, suck just as bad as last season’s finale?

It has the potential to go either way, but my gut says it will be a letdown. This season has been off its rails since the second episode, when the writers decided to repeat the first episode FROM A DIFFERENT ANGLE. They killed off all of the Tailies except Eko, making that entire season-long storyline completely pointless. We all knew Henry Gale was an Other, and got strung along for five episodes waiting for him to attack. Sayid and Charlie might as well be Central Casting extras. Jack is as petulant, selfish and pig-headed as ever. The whole word shrugged their shoulders at the Jack-Kate-Sawyer love triangle. Hurley is starting to grate. Claire won’t stop screaming about her BAY-BE! Jin and Sun have no effect on the main story. And are we really still in that goddamn hatch?

Yes, Mike coming back and wreaking havoc is cool. Yes, having Locke and Eko find another hatch is cool (and exposing the button-pushing as the fraud I always knew it was). And yes, a war with The Others sounds cool in theory. But there are so many problems and dropped storylines that I’m beyond frustrated with the show. The only way I’ll be pleased with the finale is if they do six things:

- Bring Desmond back and explain how he got to the island.

- Have Jack and Sawyer actually fight and kill some of The Others.

- Bring Walt back and explain why Shannon saw him mumbling in the jungle.

- Destroy the button pushing computer and just see what happens when the count ends.

- Have the giant Mechanical Mist Monster (remember the monster?) show up on the beach, terrorize the entire cast at once, and then actually tells us what the deal is.

- Kill off Charlie, just because.

4. Does anyone really believe this Denise Richards-Heather Locklear-Richie Sambora-David Spade nonsense, or is it all just an ill-conceived ruse to garner attention and US Weekly covers?

Ill-conceived ruse. You see, this is what you get when Tom Cruise doesn’t plan your media spin. What publicist in their right mind would cast David Spade as Heather Locklear’s rebound guy? What, was Rob Schneider asking for too much money?

5. Will Indy 4 ever happen?

Yes, unfortunately.

But Lucas, Spielberg and Crankypuss Ford should be vary weary of tarnishing their franchise the way the latest Mission movie did, and the way the beloved-Lethal Weapon series went out. Both of those films came out long overdue, were mediocre in comparison to earlier sequels and fans were no longer interested in the characters. While Indy is a canon character and probably more recognizable than Ethan Hunt or Martin Riggs, the caution still applies. The last Indy film came out 17 years ago. So the demo going to the movies the most right know (18-25) was at best a 7 year-old when Indy finally found the Holy Grail (But in Latin, Jehovah starts with an “I”). It’s entirely possible that audiences have moved on. Firewall tanked, and Harrison Ford has done nothing to endear himself to the movie-going public in the last decade. We all know how the fanboys think of Lucas, and Spielberg has had some tumbles lately (Munich backlash, Tom Cruise ruining the BO take of War of the Worlds). Moreover, despite all participants wanting to make the movie, they’ve still been talking about it for 17 years. I’ve personally read three different versions of Indy 4, with one being about Noah’s Ark and Indy having a son with Marion. We’ve heard reports of Kevin Costner signing on as Indy’s brother, that Indy would be fighting aliens at Roswell, that Harrison-squeeze Calista Flockhart would be playing Indy’s love interest and that the title of Indy 4 would be “Indiana Jones and the Opal of the Mer-Man Prince” (this was a joke made by Harrison to a nosy reporter). By this point, no less than 10 big-time screenwriters have taken their crack at the script (including Frank Darabont, Jeff Nathanson and famously, M. Night Shyamalan. No word yet whether or not the big twist would be that Indiana Jones is really a ghost haunting Shortround.).

With so much time, money, energy and bandwidth wasted on Indy 4, it might be time to consider how necessary the film really is. After all, part 3 was called “The Last Crusade” and ended with Indy finding the freakin’ HOLY GRAIL, re-uniting with his father and riding off into the sunset. How do you top that? Harrison is 64 now, and has long since passed the point of believability as an action hero. And the Nazi’s aren’t an attractive villain anymore (Done in, ironically enough, by Spielberg himself with his masterpiece Schindler’s List). The film is carrying such negative buzz and beyond-heightened expectations that in the end, what might be best for all, is to heed the advice of Dr. Henry Jones Sr.: “Indiana… let it go.”

6. Is there anything better to look forward to this summer than the return of Entourage?

Nope.

7. What will “magician” David Blaine choose as his next publicity stunt?

Let me be plainly clear about one thing, I do mean “stunt”, since Blaine long ago stopped trying to do “real” magic. Since when did unnecessary feats of endurance qualify as magic? I’m not saying I could live in a fishbowl for a week and then hold my breath for ten minutes, but if I did, I wouldn’t pop out and say “Ta Da!” I thought the guy was pretty cool back when he was suckering New Yorkers with card tricks, nailing Josie Maran, talking about it on Howard Stern and freaking out the Dallas Cowboys by fake levitating in their locker room, but now I just want him to go away. His work has been all diminishing returns. Pulling out his heart on the Carson Daly show was kick ass (partly because nobody saw it coming, and because he sold it so well). The coffin trick was sort of interesting in a “been there, seen The Vanishing” kind of way. The trapped in ice trick was fake beyond all get out, made even more stupid by the relentless media hype and subsequent (yet inevitable) anti-climax. But hanging out in a water tank for a week? Is this guy desperate for ideas or what? I thought the idea of sitting on a 22-inch board for a day and a half was thin, but a week of scuba diving? Who cares?

Apparently ABC does, because they not only continue to broadcast and subsidize the TV specials, but have already greenlit the next one. Nobody knows what the trick is going to be, but I have some suggestions if Blaine needs some extra brainstorm power.

- Take an IQ Test, then watch a marathon of every season of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, and then re-take the IQ Test. The trick is to keep your IQ above 40.

- Date the Holy Tabloid Trash Triumvirate of Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Jessica Simpson, then find a way to not contract a venereal disease (can’t be done). For extra bonus difficulty, throw in a one night stand with Tara Reid or a make out session with Natasha Lyonne.

- Climb a 300 foot ladder, reach the top, jump to the other side, and GET OVER YOURSELF!

8. Will any man on earth watch The View, now that Rosie O’Donnell is coming aboard?

Not any man who wants to keep his testicles. I’m not sure if Barbara Walters and the producers of this show are the world’s biggest man-hating lesbians, or if they’re trying to lure all of the most annoying women in showbiz into one room so that they can carpet bomb the set and win the Nobel Prize for Humanitarian Efforts. Either way, the male viewership is hitting negative numbers by October.

Rosie O’Donnell has gone so far off the grid that I’m surprised she’s even still allowed on network television. I mean, the supremely funny Sarah Silverman says “kike” on Conan just once and she’s banned from the Big Five for a decade and a half. Yet Rosie inflicted on us the inexorable “Riding the Bus With My Sister”, and she gets one of the most coveted jobs in daytime entertainment. I’m Jewish, and I’m still more offended by Rosie than I am by another Jew using the “K” word. It just shows to go you that Hollywood is a strange, strange place, filled with too many people that like to hear Tom Cruise called a “cutie patootie” at 11am in the morning. And you wonder why I’m so cynical about entertainment.

Good luck keeping your dignity with this one, Babs. I’m sure Hugh Downs is looking down on you from Heaven, so very, very proud of you.

9. Now that LucasFilm has caved to fan pressure and announced that the original versions of the Star Wars Trilogy will be released this fall, does this mean that George Lucas is no longer the anti-Christ?

Well, ask my friends this question and the resounding answer is a big fat “NO WAY!!” While I don’t think he’s the devil that all the fanboys make him out to be, I do agree that he is one of the most cunning, derisive businessmen in Hollywood. All those years refusing to release the OG version was merely chum to boost the interest level. And now that all six films are on DVD he needs another product to pimp. So what does he do? He finally agrees to release the OG versions. Millions of people will buy them, thank the lord that they can finally see Greedo shoot first on DVD, and Lucas’ll continue to rake in the kaysh. Then, a couple years from now, he’ll release Star Wars on 3-D, and everyone will buy that. Then they’ll complain that he only released the special editions on 3-D and there will be a couple years of him adamantly refusing to the release the untouched OG trilogy on 3-D. And one day he’ll agree to do that, too.

The cycle is never-ending. There is no way for every fan to be appeased in the exact manner they require, and George Lucas knows this. And more to the point, he profits from this. If all those screaming Comic-Con geeks would just calm down, ban together and refuse to be pushed around, maybe Lucas would stop whoring his films out in pieces. Maybe he would finally just release the Mega-Ultra-Definitive-Never Again To Be Touched-Use The Force Special Edition with every incarnation of Star Wars that has ever crossed his mind and ever will, and be done with it. But that won’t happen. And we all know this. Because he is (quite possibly) the anti-Christ.

So enjoy buying the Star Wars saga for the fourth time (and counting).

10. What are the odds that The Jay will make it through the series finale of The West Wing without bawling uncontrollably at the loss of his once-beloved TV show?

Exactly 7%. I love me The West Wing something fierce. It will always rank in my Top 5 Favorite TV Shows of All Time. And I will support the core cast in anything they do for the rest of their careers. I owe the show a proper send-off, and maybe someday when I catch up on all the episodes I missed in the 6th and 7th seasons I’ll do that. But for now, I’ll just say thank you and be on my way. Thank you to the incomparable Aaron Sorkin, Tommy Schlamme, John Wells, Deborah Cahn, Allison Janney, Richard Schiff, Martin Sheen, Bradley Whitford and Rob Lowe for crafting one of the finest pieces of entertainment that this online humorist has ever had the privilege of experiencing.

Bangarang! (And good luck, President Santos.)

The Case Against: 25 Shows On The Bubble

Apr 25th, 2006

by Jason Matthews.

No comments yet

With the summer movie season fast approaching TheJay.com will be going into blockbuster movie critique mode for a while. But before I do, I wanted to touch base in the world of television. May sweeps are just around the corner; the TV playoffs, where each show makes the final push for ratings gold. It’s also the time when networks begin announcing which shows will get renewed, and which get the axe. Right now there are slightly more than twenty shows that are on the bubble; they could go either way, depending on what type of mood Jeff Zucker or Les Moonves is in. I want to examine those bubble shows and decide whether or not they are worthy. After all, the networks don’t choose which shows to bring back, the viewers do. So let’s dive right in…

The Case Against: 25 Shows on the Bubble (in alphabetical order):

American Dad

I know FOX likes their animation domination block so much, but American Dad is not worthy enough to follow in the tradition of The Simpsons, Family Guy and King of the Hill. The jokes are more derivative than Family Guy, but not nearly as funny. And moreover, why do we need this when we have the far superior Family Guy? Dump it, and bring back Futurama.

Verdict: BIG FAT CANCEL

Arrested Development

This is just frustrating. Showtime was ready to do the deal and then creator Mitch Hurwitz says no and cancels the show. I don’t understand. You create what is widely considered the best show on television, you generate a rapid, ultra-loyal fanbase and then just when the show was going to get the home it needed to be a sensation, you pull the plug. Why? Why walk away from greatness? There better be something more to this than money. Hurwitz better have a good reason, or the next time he develops a TV show none of his Arrested fans will watch.

Verdict: SOMEBODY CONVINCE HURWITZ TO LET SHOWTIME HAVE IT!

Commander in Chief

At some point you just have to shoot the dying horse. You can’t keep watching it twitch on the ground, helplessly clinging to a life it can’t lead. Commander has already lost two show runners, most of its writing staff and the majority of it’s audience. It was a good concept, but with bad execution and even worse show management. ABC, please, cut your losses, cancel the show and give the timeslot to a worthy pilot.

Verdict: CANCEL (and merciful death)

Courting Alex

CBS took this off the air after only a few airings, but have not yet dropped the official axe. Jenna Elfman is a mediocre comedienne at best, but makes a fine TV actor for people who like their sitcoms stale, predictable and safe as a Mormon girl on prom night. The Eye tends to stick with safe sitcoms, as evidenced by their awkward faith in that horrible new Elaine Benes show, and the unbelievable six-year run of The King of Queens. I say give it the boot and give the time to another CSI show. Maybe this one gets set in, like, Wisconsin, and headlined by Jeff Daniels or Dylan McDermott.

Verdict: CANCEL

Everwood

This is the only real unfortunate casualty of the WB / UPN merger. Everwood is a good, wholesome drama that appeals to the family demographic that the WB was able to pull in by pairing it with the departing 7th Heaven. Unfortunately, The CW is pushing for a teen and urban demographic and has no desire to push the fam angle. The show’s only hope is to nail the finale, pray for a ratings bump and hope Treat Williams has enough goodwill to last through the launch of the new network. Although I doubt it, after all, he was in Deep Rising.

Verdict: CANCEL

E-Ring

Why keep this troubled show when The Unit is so much better and has a network that actually supports it. NBC beat the hell out of E-Ring, continually moving the timeslot, giving it a short-shrift marketing push and allowing the producers to call the show E-Ring (Just an awful title. Even something as stupid as Pentagon Wars would have been better). This was a botched operation from the beginning; a major blunder by NBC who needs to keep Benjamin Bratt in their stable. He will crush a TV series eventually, so you gotta keep him around until he finds his House or Medium. Also, don’t cast Dennis Hopper unless you’re going to let him be a villain. Any other role and you’re just kidding yourself.

Verdict: CANCEL

Four Kings

I like this show. Having Seth Green on my television is always a treat and it was cool to see a “guys” show that let their characters be real “guys”. Yes the three-camera sitcom is a dying art, but Four Kings could have been a last gasp of greatness. NBC used to make their money with the three-camera, so it’s sad to see them abandoning it just because My Name is Earl is popular right now. They better develop something better or the premature axe for this show will seem doubly stupid.

Verdict: RENEW

Freddie

Heck if I don’t want to see this show get renewed. Everything in me says not to endorse Freddie Prinze Jr., and yet I like this show. Brian Austin Green rules all and you know I support my 90210 alumni. Freddie works for me because the five minutes I catch while waiting for Lost to start are always filled with two things: a consistent hearty laugh and good times remembering Brian back when he was deflowering Donna Martin. And that’s always good times.

Verdict: RENEW

Free Ride

Never watched it, don’t care about it. I could go either way. But since they have a similar themed sitcom on the air that I do watch (see below), my feeling is to get rid of this one, stop splitting their audience base and throw all the support onto the more promising The Loop.

Verdict: CANCEL

Gilmore Girls

With creator Amy Palladino leaving it doesn’t seem that smart to bring the show back. Like Sorkin leaving The West Wing, Palladino was the heart of the writing staff, creating the language of the show and the voice of the characters. Her departure will mark a period of confusion, exasperated by the move to a new network and the likely understanding that the show will have one farewell season left. So what’s better, having your farewell season tempered by the needs of a network launch, or to go off the air in style, going down with The WB ship, so to speak? If it were me, I’d go out in a blaze of glory.

Verdict: CANCELLATION BY CHOICE

How I Met Your Mother

The buzz is strong on renewal for this one, and frankly CBS would be stupid not to bring it back. It’s the only Monday night sitcom that appeals to people under 30, with the bonus attraction of the show starring both Doogie Howser M.D. and Willow, the nerdy / lesbian / computer whiz / evil supreme witch from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. The show has great potential, a solid cast and consistent laughs. Bring it back and let Doogie loose. The Doogie will not disappoint.

Verdict: RENEW

Invasion

Boring. That’s the problem with this show. I watched the pilot, was not wowed and decided to check out. But now the plot has become so impenetrable that new viewers have to actively campaign for story information. It’s too insular, not dynamic enough and the only reason the show is still around is because Lost is its lead-in. Put on any other night and this show falls faster than Lohan after Mean Girls.

Verdict: CANCEL

The Loop

I don’t know why I like it, but I do. Maybe it’s because the Supertroopers team has their fingerprints all over it. Maybe it’s because Eric Christian Olsen is funny as hell. Maybe it’s because the girls on the show are crazy hot. Or maybe it’s because the show is just flat out funny. This could be the next Scrubs, if only FOX would give it the chance. I got a feeling a cancellation is imminent; after all, this is the same network that canceled the superb Undeclared and the even more superb Parker Lewis Can’t Lose. I say give it one more season to grow and then make a decision. What else does FOX have to put on? They already canceled Arrested Development.

Verdict: RENEW

Love Monkey

The forecast is grim for this Tom-Cavanaugh music dramedy. I think it’s a shame that Jason Priestley is getting canceled twice in two years (this and Tru Calling). I need regular doses of the man who would be Brandon Walsh, or the cheesy drama show lover in me might die. He’s all I have left, and Tori’s antics aren’t making things any better. I only got to see the show a few times (Mostly when I was on the treadmill at the gym. TV is hard to watch on mute. Closed captioning is sorely lacking in comedic timing.), but what I saw I liked. Tom is a worthy TV actor who deserves a good vehicle. The occasional Scrubs guest spot is not enough (especially if Scrubs gets yanked due to Zach Braff’s burgeoning film career). I say bring it back for one last chance, but give the show a time slot it may have a chance to win.

Verdict: RENEW (On the condition of only a 5 episode trial run in a good timeslot.)

Malcolm in the Middle

The show is going off the air, the decision has been made, I just wanted to say my goodbyes to the show. Malcolm ushered in the age of the one camera sitcom, paving the way for the success of Scrubs, My Name is Earl and The Office. I will always be grateful to the show, no matter how infrequent I watched it. Congratulations on a great run.

Verdict: ETERNAL LIFE IN RERUNS

The O.C.

I tried to watch this show a couple weeks ago and not even the awesomeness of Rachel Bilson could keep me interested. No show in recent history has fallen as far creatively as The O.C. I was a rabid fan of the first season and a good chunk of the second season, but now I don’t even recognize it. Ben McKenzie is the most unbelievable high school student since Steve Sanders enrolled in West Beverly High. Adam Brody has become his own self parody. Don’t even get me started on the travesty that is Mischa Barton. And Bilson is headed for big screen stardom, and as such, does not deserve to have her time wasted on the likes of this. I know the show still has their fans, but the best thing executive producer Josh Schwartz can do is not continue to destroy the legacy of the first season and just kill his baby now. It was fun while it lasted, but now it’s just sad.

Verdict: WELCOME TO CANCELLATION, BITCH!

Out of Practice

This is the ultimate CBS sitcom: the cast is somewhat appealing in a plain vanilla way, the writing is only mildly edgy (just enough to keep the median age above 50), and whenever you watch it, you find yourself inexplicably laughing out loud at least once an episode. Plus, any show that gainfully employs Jennifer Tilly can’t be all bad. Let The Fonz and The First Lady have their day in the sun.

Verdict: RENEW

Pepper Dennis

On paper, casting Rebecca Romijn-Stamos-O’Connell and Brooke Burns as sisters is a good idea. On screen, it just looks odd. The producers did realize that Rebecca is a toehead and Brooke is latin, right? Well, if only that were the least of the show’s problems. I watched two minutes and turned it off. I wasn’t the only one. A huge marketing push for this turkey of a show makes me feel like the WB was cutting its losses and clearing its docket for the CW launch.

Verdict: CANCEL

Scrubs

Word has been that Scrubs was going off the air not because Zach had gotten bigger than his TV bridges, but because their deal with NBC was coming to an end and the network has been notoriously fickle about the most excellent comedy. But ABC is apparently coming to the rescue, offering to pick the show up for multiple years and promising to give the show the type of support it has earned over the last five years. And all that is nice and dandy, assuming Zach decides to come back. I think they only have him for one more season before the features finally take hold of him (he has two films due out by the end of the year), so they should cash in while the ante is so low. But whatever they do, they better fix the writing, which has gotten thin and shallow this season. The goofy dream sequences have gotten old, and as much as I love John C. McGinley, I’ve been tuning out his Dr. Cox rants since season three. They got me for one more year, so they better make it good.

Verdict: RENEW (On ABC, with an improved writing staff)

Sons & Daughters

Never seen an episode, but I support it nonetheless. Primetime needs to have an improv show somewhere on the schedule, and producers should rally to support all the fantastic comedians on the show. There’s nothing else like this on television, so canceling it and replacing it with a repeat of Extreme Makeover or some other gratuitous reality show is akin to admitting that ABC wants nothing to do with comedy, and gives it’s support only to mediocre dramas that pull in great publicity because its stars are figurative whores (ahem, Desperate Housewives).

Verdict: RENEW

Stacked

It just never seemed right setting a Pamela Anderson sitcom in a bookstore. Yeah, it’s campy and all, but really, even at 40, wouldn’t you rather see her running down a beach in slow motion? The girl’s gone to seed, but she’s still Pamela Anderson for god sakes! Even a Pam at 7 is still like a 9.2 on regular girl’s terms. Also, she can’t act, so asking her to deliver jokes seems like an exercise in futility.

Verdict: CANCEL

Supernatural

This show is not going anywhere, trust me. It’s a perfect show for The CW’s demographic, it stars two attractive, popular leads and it’s the only sci-fi show on television. Sure it’s a little amateurish, but then again, so was The X-Files in it’s first season. I’m not saying Supernatural is even a bump on the road to The X-Files, but it’s definitely got promise.

Verdict: RENEW

The Unit

David Mamet writing, Pedro Cerrano starring and a timeslot to beat the band… this is how you launch a new drama. The cast rocks, the action is first rate (for TV) and it’s a breath of fresh air from all the boring procedural shows that have infected primetime lately. Also, I feel bad for Scott Foley. He lost Jennifer Garner to Michael Vartan, then Felicity ended, his own sitcom was canceled, Scrubs wrote his character off and the movies scripts aren’t getting sent his way. He deserves a break and I’m inclined to give him one.

Verdict: RENEW

The West Wing

This one isn’t real because NBC already decided not to bring the show back, but I wanted to drop some knowledge on it nonetheless. Bringing back Rob Lowe was a bit underwhelming, yet at the same time evoked memories of the glory days of seasons one and two. I’m intrigued by what the show would become if it followed the Santos administration, and have a feeling the show would probably return to its roots and focus on the staff instead of on the President and global affairs. Like I said, this is all meaningless, but I started watching the show again a few weeks ago after a two season lay-off and I’m all bummed that my formerly favorite show is going off the air. Deep down I’d like to see the show continue in any form, just to know that it was still there. Kinda like not wanting your ex’s to ever get married, just so you can know the door hasn’t closed, regardless if you ever want to open the door again or not. My only consolation is that Bradley Whitford just signed on to do Sorkin’s new show, so I know I’ll be taken care of in the fall. The Wing may be coming to an end, but the era of Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip has just begun.

Verdict: KEEP AIRING THE RERUNS

What About Brian

This show is like a master class in how NOT to launch a drama at the end of a bad TV season. The cast is uniformly bland, led by the super-bland Barry Watson (who has Helen Hunt head going on). The plot is trite, cliché and wholly unoriginal, but moreover, it was boring. I’ll forgive a show that it trite and clichéd as long as it’s fun to watch (Heck, I do own the first season of The O.C.), but What About Brian has nothing to keep me coming back. Not even good TV-style nudity. Which is the ultimate save for a bad show. You show me the backside of a hot TV actress and you got my TiVo time for at least four episodes.

Verdict: CANCEL

Bangarang!

The West Wing

The Central Fallacy of the Walk and Talk

The Case Against: Reviving Canceled Fan-Favorite TV Shows

25 Birthday Wishes

15 People Who Make MY America Great

Final Network TV Report Card

The 10 Most Burning Questions in Hollywood

The Case Against: 25 Shows On The Bubble

Most Recent Posts:

The Things The Jay Talks About: