The Scene: The producers of the awesome slash nauseating 90210 remake consider bringing back the old cast. Realizing the amazing potential of a Brenda Walsh resurrection, they take their life in their hands and call up Shannen Doherty.

The Players: Producer 1, Producer 2, Shannen Doherty, the right side of Shannen Doherty’s face and one centimeter higher, the left side.

INT. 90210 PRODUCTION OFFICE – HOLLYWOOD – DAY

Two Producers sip lattes, type on their Blackberry’s and look at headshots of the original cast of Beverly Hills, 90210.

PRODUCER 1: I say we bring them all back. The fans would love it!

PRODUCER 2: I say you’re an idiot and fuck the fans! Besides, it’s not even possible. We can’t lift the network ban on Priestley and Luke Perry is too busy doing Hallmark Channel movies.

P1: Ian Ziering is available.

P2: Does he still have the mullet?

P1: You know it, but don’t worry we can flat-iron it down to a Jewfro. That look is in!

P2: Is he still married to that hot Playmate?

P1: No, she dropped his mullet-y ass. But kept the last name, if you can believe it.

P2: If he can’t bring her by the set for me to harass, then forget it.

P1: What about the B.A.G.?

P2: Are you nuts? He’s not coming back! If you were starring in a kick ass action show and going home to Megan Fox every night would you agree to come back to the 9er on The CW and make out with Tori Spelling again?

P1: Sorry, what? I stopped paying attention after you said “Megan Fox”. The B.A.G. must be packin something major. (sigh)

P2: So who else is left?

P1: Gabs Carteris

Producer 2 vomits in his mouth a little.

P2: I just vomited in my mouth a little.

P1: So it’s just gonna be Jenni and Tori, then?

Pause.

P2: …make the call.

P1: No.

P2: Yes.

P1: But why?

P2: Do you seriously think we can get away with remaking 90210 and NOT have her in it? We gotta bunch a kids on our show, totally fuckable, but who gives a shit about them? We got Lori Loughlin, easily the homeless person’s Heather Locklear. And Rob Estes isn’t setting the world on fire. 90210 IS the old cast! And if you think for one goddamn second that today’s audience will stomach Tori Spelling for 44 minutes every week than you’re dumber than a Jerry O’Connell sitcom. Girl’s got a face like a down syndrome-y Walrus.

P1: But sir, I mean, we can’t. She’s…. she’s… she’s evil, sir!

P2: She’s Brenda fucking Walsh. Make the call.

Producer 1 crosses himself. Dials the number.

SHANNEN DOHERTY: GODFUCKINGDAMNIT, WHAT?

P2: Shannen, babe, hi, it’s the guys at the new 9er. Got a minute to talk remake?

SD: I’M BUSY SLITTING TIRES, ASSDOUCHE! YOU DON’T JUST CALL SHANNEN DOHERTY AND EXPECT HER TO BE FREE! I’ll call you back in ten.

Three hours later.

Producer 1 dials Shannen again.

SD: DIE OF AIDS, BITCH, WHO IS THIS?

P1: Um, Shannen, hey, it’s us… again. Thought you were gonna call us back.

SD: DON’T YOU TALK BACK TO ME, SHITDICK! That’s a violation of my contract. I’m walking off this project right fucking now!

P1: Shannen, we don’t have you under contract for anything.

SD: Dammit, I’m talking to you for free? I WILL GUT MY AGENT’S MOTHER!

P2: Shannen, listen, we’re re-doing 90210 and we’d like you to consider coming back and playing Brenda again.

SD: Why are we talking about this? That old bastard Spelling is dead. I should know, I put him in the ground myself.

P1: We’re doing it without him, may he rest in peace.

SD: And you want Shannen Doherty back on your show? Well, what took you so fucking long, SNATCHFUCKS! I coulda told you I was necessary. Audiences can’t stomach Tori for 44 minutes a week. Girl’s got tits like semi-frozen Wendy’s hamburger meat.

P2: So are you interested?

SD: I AM INTERESTED IN YOU SUCKING MY DICK! Listen up and listen good, DICKBRAIN, you need me more than I need you. I’m doing fucking super with my career. Have you seen my Reality show, Breaking Up With Shannen Doherty? I break bitches up and cause pain and misery in otherwise happy people. I’m finally getting paid to do what I’m good at.

P1: Shannen, we love you, we think you’re great. You’re the key to this show. Everybody knows it. We have BIG plans for Brenda.

SD: Yeah? That’s good, cause I HAVE BIG PLANS FOR FUCKING YOU IN THE ASS! I am great. And I am the key to the show. So what you need to have BIG plans for is my salary. I’ll start thinking about coming back when you do one thing for me. It’s a Shannen Doherty motto. Four words, here they are. PAY. ME. MY. MONEY. PAYMEMYMONEY! And also I want Alyssa Milano killed.

P1: What? But she’s so pretty and funny! And her manly arm hair is so endearing!

P2: Shannen, Alyssa won’t be on the show.

SD: I give a fuck! Make her dead and we can talk.

P2: OK. We’ll… um… work on that. So six figures per episode and we’ll give you the prestigious “and” credit. Anything else?

SD: THERE WILL ALWAYS BE SOMETHING ELSE, YOU MONIED FUCK! I’m SHANNEN DOHERTY. I will not shoot any scenes with Jennie Barf. If I see her, Imma break a prop bottle off on her face.

P1: But she’s a Mom!

SD: She should have thought about that before stealing Dylan while I was in France fucking Reek. The only way I’m doing a scene with her is if she’s covered in shit, while I’m in head-to-toe Prada, which I will keep, and licking the sweat off of Michael Vartan’s abs. And I don’t mean random shit, either, I mean actual human fecal matter.

P1: You want to put human poo on her?

SD: Not just any poo. MY POO! Revenge is a dish best served DOHERTY!

P2: Um… we’ll shoot you guys separately.

SD: I don’t want to shoot with ANYBODY, get it! I do my best work by my damn talented self!

P1: But we need to shoot you with, somebody.

SD: IT’S CALLED BLUESCREEN, DOUCHEMORON! It’s how we shot my last season of Charmed after I roofied Combs, and it worked just fine.

P2: We’ll make it happen.

SD: And I want every shot of me tilted at nine degrees counter clockwise or I will take a bat to the Director’s children.

P1: Nine degrees? I don’t get it. You want to be crooked?

SD: My face is crooked, MOTHERFUCKER! IT’S TO BALANCE IT OUT! THANKS FOR GIVING ME A COMPLEX ABOUT IT, TWATSCAR! I SWEAR, IF I SEE YOU ON THE STREET I WILL RUN YOU DOWN LIKE YOU’RE A PUBLICIST WHO BOOKED ME SECOND ON CONAN, BEEYAHOTCH!

P2: Shannen, your wild asymmetry is beautiful. We’ll get each side of your face an Emmy nomination. Hell, I’ll personally get the gap in your front teeth a Cable Ace Award, just come and do the show.

SD: FUCK YOU! Fine, I’ll do it.

P1: Oh, thank God!

P2: Super! That’s great, Shannen. We really appreciate it. Just one thing we’re gonna need from you. It’s small, but we can’t get the network to sign off on you without it.

SD: This better involve you giving me free cigarettes.

P2: We’re gonna need you to stay out of trouble and be nice to the cast and crew.

SD: WHAT THE GOOD GODDAMN HELLFUCK WOULD MAKE YOU THINK THAT WOULD BE A PROBLEM, YOU PRESUMPTUOUS TAINTLICK?

P1: You used to be kinda of notorious for that.

SD: Did you just say I was like Tori?

P1: No.

SD: I WILL FEED YOUR BALLS TO MY SHITZU AND THEN PUT HIM IN A WOODCHIPPER JUST TO SPITE YOU!

P2: This is what we’re talking about, Shannen. You can’t behave like this if you’re gonna do the show.

SD: Am I really so bad?

P1: You’re EVIL!

SD: Oh dear, I… I didn’t know. I’ve been so famous for so long that I guess I just forgot how to behave with regular people. I’m a nice person, I really am. Everything that happened back in the 90’s, that was all nonsense from a stupid child on a power trip. Truth is, my career is in the toilet. My reality show got canceled, no one will hire me, hell, even Ziering is doing better than me. Truth is, I really need this job. If I didn’t say it before, let me say it now: thank you. Thank you. You’re saving me. And I won’t ever forget it.

P2: You’re very welcome, Shannen. We can’t wait to work with you. We’ll see you on set Monday at 8 am.

SD: GET FUCKED, ASSCLOWN, I’LL BE THERE AT NOON OR I WON’T BE THERE AT ALL!

P2: It’s great to have you onboard!

FADE OUT

Bangarang!

Sandra Bullock, Former All-Time Girl Next Door and Current “Really Sandy, Another RomCom? REALLY?” Actress, and better-bearded abtor (actor with abs instead of chops), Ryan Reynolds, shoot a scene from their upcoming romantic comedy (natch), the sure to be middling box office earner, “The Proposal”.

Ryan Reynolds: Remember when you were a relevant film actress?

Sandra Bullock: Remember when you were considered the next big thing?

RR: Remember when you did The Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood and every guy who ever thought you were hot swore they’d never be roped into another one of your movies ever again, even if Keanu Reeves was in it?

SB: Remember when you did Waiting and everyone that ever found you funny swore they’d never look at Van Wilder the same way again, and not just because Tara Reid was in it?

RR: Remember when you almost took the America’s Sweetheart away from Julia Roberts, which was never?

SB: Remember when you could open a movie to more than $11 million, which was never?

RR: Remember when you weren’t pigeonholed into only doing Romantic Comedies?

SB: Remember when you weren’t pigeonholed into only doing Romantic Comedies?

RR: …

SB: …

RR: Remember when you were crazy hot and you did the cover of US Magazine where you were soaking wet and all come hither and you made a man out of The Jay?

SB: Remember when your abs were the abbiest abs that ever abbed and it was almost scary too look at your stomach for fear your abs would smite the world?

RR: Remember when you totally pulled off that Bill Pullman romcom?

SB: Remember when you totally rocked the fat suit in Just Friends like no other man has ever rocked a fat suit before (except for Courtney Cox on Friends)?

RR: Remember when you were the only tolerable thing about Crash?

SB: Remember when you made neck beards and man highlights cool again in Blade: Trinity?

RR: Remember when you used to bang Ryan Gosling before it was in to be an A-list Cougar?

SB: Remember when you used to bang Alanis Morissette before it was in to be an A-list actor dating a has been rocker?

RR: Remember when you were almost Wonder Woman?

SB: Remember when you were almost The Flash?

RR: Remember when you were cast as Maggie in Million Dollar Baby but left the production only to see Hilary Swank get the role and win an Oscar for it?

SB: Remember when you were offered the role of Xander on Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you turned it down and it became a huge cult hit that spawned legions of fans and you ended up doing Two Guys A Girl and a Pizza Place which spawned a lot of people changing the channel?

RR: Remember Two If By Sea?

SB: Remember Buying the Cow?

RR: Hey!

SB: /shrugs

RR: …

SB: …

RR: Remember Speed?

SB: Remember Smokin’ Aces?

RR: Remember Miss Congeniality?

SB: Remember The Nines?

RR: Remember when you were awesome?

SB: Remember when you were funny?

RR AND SB: Those were the daaaaaays!

Bangarang!

Billy Crystal LaLoosh, a hard-joke throwing, wildly unfunny over the hill comedian with script choosing deficiences signs a ludicrous one-day contract with a Yankees minor league affiliate. Hank Steinbrenner, sensing “Throw Red Sox From the Train” potential, trades for Crash Davis, an aging star at the end of a long, sorta illustrious career (Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves was kinda tight, Mr. Brooks… not so much), to mentor Crystal and get him ready for the show.

These are the lessons Crash imparted onto Billy about playing and acting in the Church of Funnyball…

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Crash Davis: Relax, all right? Don’t try to make everybody laugh. Jokes are boring! Besides that, they’re fascist. Throw some dramedy - like a Tenenbaum movie, it’s more democratic.

Billy Crystal LaLoosh: [to himself] What’s this guy know about comedy? If he’s so good how come he hasn’t been in a hit movie for the last ten years? If he’s so good how come the Oscars want me to host every year instead of him?

Crash Davis: Oh, hey, and another thing, Meat. You don’t know shit, all right? If you wanna make it to the bigs, you’ll listen to me. The Oscars only want you cause Steve Martin keeps turning them down and Chris Rock is too black for Kansas, got it? So relax! Let’s have some fun out here! This comedy game’s fun, OK? Fun goddamnit. And don’t hold your useless Cable Ace Award so hard, OK? It’s an egg. Hold it like an egg.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Crash Davis: It’s time to work on your interviews.

Billy Crystal LaLoosh: My interviews? What do I gotta do?

Crash Davis: You’re gonna have to learn your clichés. You’re gonna have to study them, you’re gonna have to know them. They’re your friends. Write this down: “We gotta shoot one scene at a time.”

Billy Crystal LaLoosh: [writing] Got to shoot one scene at a time… it’s pretty superficial.

Crash Davis: Course it’s superficial, it’s an interview with Access Hollywood, that’s the point. Write it down.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Billy Crystal LaLoosh: How come you don’t like me?

Crash Davis: Because you don’t respect yourself, which is your problem. But you don’t respect the entertainment industry, and that’s my problem. Forget Paris totally sucked, guy. But you got a gift.

Billy Crystal LaLoosh: I got a what?

Crash Davis: You got a gift. When you were a baby, the Gods reached down and turned your humor bone into a thunderbolt. “You look marvelous” was legendary stuff. You got Hall-of-Fame funny, but you’re pissing it away.

Billy Crystal LaLoosh: I ain’t pissing nothing away. I got an Emmy already; a City Slickers franchise and a standing voiceover deal with Pixar.

Crash Davis: Christ, you don’t need a standing voiceover deal with Pixar! What you need is a smart romantic comedy like you used to do! In the show, everyone can get a hit with Pixar.

Billy Crystal LaLoosh: Well, how would you know? YOU been in the Box Office Top Ten?

Crash Davis: Yeah, I’ve been in the Box Office Top Ten. A little thing I like to call Tin Cup, bitch! Recognize.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

/Crash calls for a cult classic fantasy film, Billy shakes off the movie pitch twice.

Crash Davis: Hey! HEY! Why are you shaking me off?

Billy Crystal LaLoosh: I want to give them the humor and announce my comedy with authority!

Crash Davis: Announce your fucking comedy with authority? These audiences are fantasy movie fans, who like fantasy movies where guys storm the castle!

Billy Crystal LaLoosh: Well they haven’t seen my humor!

Crash Davis: And by “haven’t seen my humor”, you mean “Father’s Day”, yes? Alright meat, show them your humor.

/Crash walks back to the box office.

Crash Davis: [to the audience] Guys, here comes a bad mob comedy sequel, right down the center. And when you speak of my sports movies, speak well. (Is this heaven? No, it’s Field of Dreams… one tear.)

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

/Billy has finally made it to the show. He sits down with Pat O’Brien to talk about his career.

Billy Crystal LaLoosh: A good friend of mine used to say, “This is a very simple game. You throw the joke, you catch the joke, you hit the joke. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, and sometimes you make My Giant.” Think about that for a while.

Bangarang!

Oh look, the Academy Awards are o-zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Wuh? Huh? What I miss? Did Daniel Day-Lewis drink a milkshake?

Yikes, that was forgettable. It says a lot about the quality of the telecast when the best thing all night was the fake montage for binoculars and Hottie Mirren saying balls in Spanish. Why couldn’t Jon Stewart have secretly started working before the strike ended? Would anyone have really minded? At least we would have been saved the painful Nintendo Wii bit and the obnoxious Bee Movie bullshit; and maybe Amy Adams would have gotten some freaking Debbie Allen-style SUPPORT during her musical number! That being said, I would totally vote for Gaydolf Titler.

On the predicting front, I went seven for eight on the big races, and also nailed Animated Feature, Score, Costume Design, Editing, Cinematography, both of the Sound Awards and Jon Stewart’s B- perf (and won my party pool, btw). I biffed on OG Song (too much love for Amy Adams, though the Once song was pretty), VFX (guess the Academy loves hot Polar on Polar bear action as much as me), and Best Documentary. I was happy about No Country as Best Picture; my first true favorite since American Beauty in ’99, and was impressed that the Academy recommended so many worthy performances. A solid year for Oscar.

And I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that my Mom nailed the Cotillard win the moment she stepped on the red carpet. “That’s a Best Actress dress,” she said. “Just like when Julia wore the black and white dress in 2000.” Now you know where I get my mad predicting skillz.

So you know the drill: check any of the kagillion other pop blogs for a full recap or liveblog, cause you’re not getting one here. I have what I always have: the lowdown on what the stars were talking about on the Red Carpet.

Things Overheard on the Oscars Red Carpet…

Jack Nicholson: What am I even doing here? There’s not one Best Actress nominee here worth nailing. I already tagged Christie, and I don’t do Frenchies or pregnant chicks. Who in the hell is Laura Linney? And this Juno girl? Am I allowed to bang children now? Is that cool? What was it Roman used to say about that…

Daniel Day-Lewis: I will go Bill the Butcher on the next dippy journo who asks me about milkshakes. I will smear his blood on my boudoir. Two coats! Oh hi Roeper. Yes yes you drink my milkshake, ha ha!

Helen Mirren: The Queen demands you bring her James McAvoy. Place him in my private study. I shall tend to him shortly…

Hal Holbrook: What? Who? Where am I? I thought I was going to the Opera tonight? Is this a Designing Woman on my arm? Delta, is that you? … I am old.

Diablo Cody: Has anyone seen my date, Bam Bam?

Katherine Heigl: I am such an international movie star. It’s only a matter of time before I’m winning one of these bitches. /smokes a carton of cigarettes, is obnoxious

Ellen Page: Cute words cute words cute words LOVE ME(!), derf, I’m wearing Connie’s! I’m Rowr! But cute!

Cameron Diaz: It’s 5 o’clock, did I miss the free crack giveaway?

Jennifer Garner: So I didn’t get a nomination, that’s OK. That’s fine. They’re just jealous because I get to go home and fuck Ben Affleck. That a REAL honor! Just ask The Jay.

The Jay: True story.

Tilda Swinton: I heard it might rain today, so thankfully I remembered to bring my garbage bag poncho. Phew, that could have been embarrassing!

Javier Bardem: Hola, yo soy swarthy swarthy swarthy! /instantaneously knocks up Amy Adams just by looking at her

Jessica Alba: If I had known I’d get invited to the Oscars just for getting knocked up and making four or five bad movies in a year, I would have started years ago. Oh wait, I did…

Johnny Depp: /mumbles incoherently, immediately called the frontrunner for next year’s Best Actor race

Amy Adams: I swear to Jesus if they send me up on that stage by myself without any backdrop whatsoever and I have to sing that ridiculous song while waving my hands like an idiot, I’m gonna sick Anton Chigurh on bitches. I’m the new Julie Andrews, dammit!

Tommy Lee Jones: What’s all this wrassle frassle commotion? Dagnamit, this is hogwarsh! I ain’t got time for this. I have horses to tend to! And things in the distance to look weary at! I’m grisled!

Nicole Kidman: Chandelier delivery! Who ordered the chandelier?

John Travolta: Ch-Ch-Chia!

Bangarang!

TAI: Cher, do you think I’m still as pretty as we were in high school?

CHER: No, you’re a full-on Blu-Ray Monet.

TAI: What’s a Blu-Ray Monet?

CHER: It’s like a really great 1080i digital picture, see? From far away, or on a small YouTube window it’s OK, but up close, on Hi-Def, it’s a big old mess. Let’s ask a guy. Ashton, what do you think of Tai’s newly worked-on face?

ASHTON KUTCHER: Hagsville. And I would know.

CHER: See?

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

CHER: But Tai, do you really think anyone wants to see you in movies, anymore?

TAI: What am I some sort of facially disfigured celebritard? Like Tara Reid?

CHER: No, not even. I didn’t say that. You were great on King of the Hill!

TAI: Oh, animation voice work, sure. But I’m not good enough for big budget movies, or something?

CHER: I just don’t think that you mesh well together.

TAI: You don’t think we mesh well? Did you even see Little Black Book! It’s like, why am I even listening to you to begin with? You’re just a failed teen movie star who can’t carry a TV show.

CHER: That was way harsh, Tai. I totally did a pilot last season.

TAI: Look, I’m really sorry. Let’s just talk when my collagen has mellowed and I can blink again, alright? I gotta go blow my agent now. I’m outie!

Bangarang!

(Miss Match was kinda charming, no?)