You may not know this by reading my blog, but I’m actually a wine enthusiast. And I don’t just mean I like to drink a glass of Blackstone or Charles Shaw on a Friday Night. I’ve studied wine, worked in the wine industry, spoken about wine at venues and large-scale events, traveled to Wine Valleys across California, and have drunken every varietal you can think of, at prices ranging from $3 to $300. I can tell you which areas of the New World are better for which type of grape. I can wow you with useless wine trivia, like how the wineries in Hawaii grow their grapes under clay, not soil, and that within the next five years there will be a working winery in every zip code in California.
I can tell you that the difference in you buying a $20 Cabernet and a $50 Cabernet is that you paid an extra $30 for a boost in quality level that you won’t be able to taste or appreciate. But hey, that’s a nice label you bought there.
I know enough about wine even to tell you that the climactic scene in Sideways is a secret insult to Miles, as the prized bottle of wine he sneaks into the fast food chain, the ‘61 Cheval Blanc, the bottle he bonded with Maya over, the bottle that he based his wine love around, is in part made up of the one grape he despises. That’s right, fucking Merlot.
So it’s with great interest (and a piqued eyebrow) that I read about Sting releasing his own wine label. Many celebrities have dabbled in wine – it’s the Silver Medal winner for obnoxious celebrity hobbies that shouldn’t be dabbled in – and while some pull it off, notably Francis Ford Coppola, Paul Newman and golfer Greg Norman, most just whore out their name to add some bucks to their bank account. Ahem GFY Paris Hilton ahem! But what should I make of Sting’s attempt at fostering his very own Good Life?
THIS article seems to be a mixed bag. The wine is from Tuscany, which is good, but it was grown on an organic farm, which is bad, as no organic wine can truly be any good because it has no way of sustaining itself over a long period of time. The as yet unnamed wine is a Sangiovese, a grape I love with a fierceness, but the vintage is 2007, so it’s not going to be drinkable for at least 3-4 years. Bottom line is that the 30,000 bottles he’s producing will sell out in a matter of months, on name recognition alone. But I doubt it’s going to be any good.
Sting’s attempt at winemaking draws five burning questions.
1. Will the wine be able to do yoga on a mountain side?
2. Will Sting call his label “Tantric Wine”?
3. If so, will it need to decant for seven hours but result in the most amazing explosion of strawberry and spice you’ve ever had in your entire life?
4. Will it be a classic rock vintage when bought in a case, but transform into new age pop rock when bought by the bottle?
5. And most importantly, will it walk in Fields of Gold?
And because I never ask a question I don’t already know the answer to, cause what, like I’m asking you for your opinion, here are the big answers to those burning questions.
1. Yes, but it only really does the lotus pose. And then grows a beard.
2. Undoubtedly, because wine, not unlike Sting, is inherently pretentious.
3. No, and most definitely no. But it will pair well with roast chicken.
4. You’ll buy it cheap by the bottle and enjoy its simplicity, but shill out hundreds of dollars for an overrated case that doesn’t even end up playing “Spirits in the Material World” like you want them to.
5. It won’t, but when you drink it, you will see a Moon over Bourbon Street.
Bangarang!
