When a monstrously funded, intelligently engineered, brilliantly conceived production chooses to be so lazy as to make their Theme of the Week “Whatever is on your iPod Shuffle”, I have no choice but to answer their laziness with some of my own. Let’s make this tripe quick.
Randy is useless and ugly and has the audacity to question someone’s fashion sense when I have seen him wearing teal cardigans that Heathcliff Huxtable would have dumped his Jello on, Simon is bored out of his bloody mind, Kara is losing her shit faster than I do in the second minute of the Where the Wild Things Are trailer and Paula, PAULA, is the sanest, most constructive judge on the panel.
Do I need to point out how utterly atrocious this season has become?
Fine, one more point, quickly: the most well-produced beat of the night was the video package of Ryan doing his American Top 40 Radio show. Man alive is that guy a pro! I wish Idol would just crown Adam Lambert tomorrow so that we could watch Ryan do all his various jobs for an hour every week till May. At least I’d have some passion to blog it.
As I do every elimination week, I recap the performances and grade the singers on a sliding scale of how much I wanted to, or did, TiVo-bloop through the song. At the end of each recap I’ll make my pick for who should (and hopefully will) get the axe on the mind-numbingly long results show. Let’s start the blooping!
Megan Joy – Just a mega-disaster of Watchmen box office gross proportions. Can’t pick a song to save her life (the judges would have kicked each other in the ear to praise her if she had sung Winehouse. Which is why they suck, cause this is a show about karaoke and yet we get told every week that karaoke is not what they want.), has anti-stage presence, and is so violently annoying that her beauty has become a wash. Simon practically yelled at her tonight for being an idiot. Take it from someone who watched the show twice, he wasn’t the only one.
Anoop Desai – I can’t believe it took us this long to call him out for being a drunken douche at a Frat House Rock Band night. And he picks this aimless, worthless night to suit up instead of the classy Motown Night? See: the first sentence.
Scott MacIntyre – Anytime you can turn a white guy’s fro into a white guy’s greasy helmet hair, you TAKE THAT CHANCE! Especially on a blind guy who won’t know how silly yet glorious he actually looks. I’m still meh on his talent and performance ability but I’ll reverse bloop him just to watch that luscious bubble hair head.
Lil Rounds – Was her wig off-center, or just awful? I’m going with both. Let me get this right, you’re told that the theme of the week is basically every song ever made with instruments, and you, a black woman, the only contestant with actual Hip Hop cred, chooses to sing Celine Dion? Congratulations Lil, you are now officially a beige person.
Danny Gokey - Snorey Snorekey. Snored me with his snorey snoring. And then? More snore. Somebody please explain to me why I should stay awake for this lightweight!
Adam Lambert – The best he has ever looked; somebody was nice to the makeup artist this week! Was fun to see him stay cleaned up, love the Elvis pomp, you KNOW I love the return of the Rape Eyes, buuuut that was some campy theater shenanigans. I thought I was watching the second act of Jersey Boys. Call me when he remembers that there’s a difference between performing in theater and performing IN a theater.
Matt Giraud – I’m a sucker for pappy crap like The Fray and I’m a sucker for playing IN the crowd, so I can tell with a certainty how hopeful I was that Giraud would knock it out of the park. I was, as I am with this whole season, disappointed. He should have done “Sex on Fire” by Kings of Leon, better fit for his voice, sexier song, way more current and I wouldn’t have had such an awful pit in my stomach that at some point next year I’m gonna be hearing his second single underneath the Act Four montage of a misfired Grey’s Anatomy episode.
Allison Iraheta – Who doesn’t love an insanely crazy pink buckled mumu coat dress combined with an even pinker peacock hairdo? Especially when the point is to ape Gwen Stefani, the Queen of crazy pink buckled fashion. The performance was a miss, but her voice is just SO good, she gets brownie points for rocking the guitar and I’m giving her a personal bloop bump for how Ryan introduced her “[growing up] 20 miles from where No Doubt started”, which in Southern California proximity terms is like saying they both live in the Northern Hemisphere.
NO BLOOPS EVER!!!!
Kris Allen – The best performance by every standard ever used to measure anything ever. Who knew he could rock the keyboard? And better than Giraud, even! Amazing arrangement to a song that has been done and done and done, Kris made the song fresh and bold and interesting again. Can’t give a pass to his weird squirrelly singing faces, but I’ll forgive it if he makes music that sounds so good. For once, this 84% contestant gets an “A”.
The Bottom Three: Megan Corkrey, Scott MacIntyre, Allison Iraheta
My prediction for who gets the axe: Megan Joy Corkrey