American Idol has a huge Country fanbase. We know this because contestants like Kristy Lee Cook routinely make it to the Top 7. We know this because Carrie Underwood is the highest selling Country Artist in music today. We know this because Bucky Covington exists on this Earth. And while those facts are all true, none of them support the bigger argument that American Idol should focus more attention on Country music.
Because this is, after all, a pop music show.
So why must we be forced to endure a host of kids who don’t listen to Country, can’t sing Country, don’t want to sing Country, and have no business fronting the genre, karaoke that beast? And why this season especially? Season Eight is atypically devoid of even one true Country kid. You could argue for Michael Sarver, cause of the Texas, but he fits more into the Bear Porn genre than he does Country Music. Alexis Grace is secretly a blues singer, Megan Corkrey is secretly from Mars, Adam Lambert only rapes in rock, and Anoop will only sing Country if his Frat House is doing a Western-themed roofie party with the Kai Delts.
And the judges hate the music, too! Simon loathes the genre, Randy has no experience in it, Paula only knows the Country Divas and Kara just wants to have sex with Kris Allen and not getting any Lambert herpes on her choppy bangs. Couldn’t we have just skipped this? Couldn’t we have NEVER spent two hours watching Randy Travis vainly attempt to find his pulse?
I’ve never wanted to octuple-bloop through a performance night so much in my Idol-watching life. Let’s get down to business so we can start forgetting this week ever happened.
To the Blooping!
As I do every elimination week, I recap the performances and grade the singers on a sliding scale of how much I wanted to, or did, TiVo-bloop through the song. At the end of each recap I’ll make my pick for who should (and hopefully will) get the axe on the mind-numbingly long results show. Let’s start the blooping!
TRIPLE BLOOP
Anoop Desai – I refuse to comment on Anoop until he wears something nicer than his Sigma Pike Beta Thursday Night bar crawl outfit. I don’t need to listen to him sing in the same clothes he wears while over-serving Freshman Sosh Majors into his Frat house top bunk.
Michael Sarver – So that was a whole that of please God stop doing whatever it is you are doing. The Roughneck may be super charming, and he’s probably a great guy to have a beer with, provided you don’t mind PBR, but listening to him do a Micro Machines commercial up there was nauseating. It wasn’t musical, it wasn’t entertaining, I don’t believe it was actually singing, so much as talking in front of a dude with a harmonica. If this is the truly indicative of Country Music, than I haven’t missed a thing.
Scott MacIntyre – Totes me de ocreage. Again we’re going to ignore the performance, cause I don’t have the time or the inclination to spend words on something that is inherently pointless, so we’re gonna talk about the rest of his camera time on the show last night. Did you notice that Scott caught hell for playing the piano two weeks in a row, but Matt Giraud didn’t? That’s the Idol Producers subtly telling you to kick him off so they don’t have to plan a whole Tour’s worth of choreography where one of the kids drags him along the elaborate stage. I’ve been to a Idol Tour show, trust me, it’s no place for Scott MacIntyre. But hey, he did have the best joke of the night: “I can move it closer”. If I said moronic things like “LOL”, here’s where I would. And then I would kill myself. Or volunteer to be Lamberted in the ear; something painful to repent for my sins.
Alexis Grace – She gets props for being the only Idolist to actually sound like a country artist. She loses points for being the only Idolist to sound like utter crap. And when did she turn into plastic surgery face? I haven’t fallen off a bandwagon this quickly since I went on a Sugar Purge back in 07 and then proceeded to eat 22 Oreo Cakester cookies eight minutes later.
DOUBLE BLOOP
Lil Rounds – I finally understand what Simon means when he says something is “cruise-ship”. Lil Rounds sang that song with about as must passion as I have when I’m watching being forced to watch Private Practice cause nothing else is on (I hate everything about it except KaDee Strickland’s everything). You knew Lil was gonna biff on Country Week; not cause she’s black, but because why would her voice and style translate? Mary J. Blige wouldn’t be caught dead singing Reba or Dolly, and that’s the way it should be. Lil should have taken a page from Iraheta and just R&B’d the steez out of Nashville.
Danny Gokey – More like Danny BOREkey! Huh? Huuuuuh? Yeah. Had to. (Did I repeat this joke from last week? Don’t care. Still works.). I can’t believe we’re gonna crown this borebag. Archuleta was eleventy-thousand times more fun last year and he didn’t win and no one is buying his record, so why should I care about Gokey? Especially when he chooses to where Costanza Gore-tex jackets on stage and give Paul Rudd from 40 Year-Old Virgin Michael McDonald brain aneurisms.
Matt Giraud – Not yet on his bandwagon. I need to see him perform away from his piano and not come off like the spastic epilepsy patient that was his Coldplay performance. It’s not hard to be impressed by a dueling piano player be charming on the piano. But would he have been as charming doing what Kris Allen did? I’m thinking no. I’m thinking his nine-head sweats would have soaked the stage.
SINGLE BLOOP
Kris Allen – Well that was certainly earnest goes to idol. I felt like I had watched every Mandy Moore movie ever made in the span of two and a half minutes, and suddenly I didn’t want to violently punch Shane West in the throat. And, really, that’s not so bad a feeling. I’d rather see him Mraz it up, but if Kris wants to get a little mellow every now and again, try to take votes from Jack Johnson, I’ll allow it.
Megan Corkrey – Looked great, toned the crazy down by 64%, played her sickness up just enough to stay safe for a week and only did one thing to make me regret crowning her my Boof (that would be the raise the roof before Ryan joined her on stage. Girl really needs to retire the gratuitous noise bullshit). Thought the performance itself was pretty reserved, fairly absent in her usual vocal quirks, but she played the part of Grand Ole Opry nine kazillion times more charming than Alexis, so kudos to my Boof.
Adam Lambert – When he wasn’t violently Lamberting my nether regions with his eyes and pasty skin, he was blatanly Lamberting David Cook’s “Billie Jean” performance. And despite my now sore and humiliated manhood, I thought the whole experience was pretty frackin amazing. The man’s rape voice can do astounding things. Blair Waldorf amazing things. I may have to watch him with my eyes closed (you know, so I can avoid the raping), but I will happily do so for many more weeks.
NO BLOOPS EVER!!!!
Allison Iraheta – OK, I’m officially on the Iraheta Train. She may have a face that’s ten pounds of ass in a five pound bag, but that voice is commanding and awesome and scrumtrillescent. She even made Country fun to hear. I like the hair modulations, the outfits are calming down and the personality, while still boring, is less horrendous than before. She’s a single bloop performer, quintuple bloop talker, and that’s alright by me.
The Bottom Three: Michael Sarver, Alexis Grace, Megan Corkrey
My prediction for who gets the axe: Michael Sarver
Bangarang!
