I’m gonna need you to get ahead and watch this video. IMMETES.
In continuing my recent “you might not know this about The Jay” Tour, I wanted to tell you that when I’m not online skewering celebrities and on my couch TiVo-blooping Idol flunkies, I have me a real world jobby job. And in that jobby job I work on a webseries. That webseries is called “Harper’s Globe”. It’s the companion webseries to the new CBS show “Harper’s Island”, and, if I do say so myself, it rocks. It rocks the socks. It rolls, it owns, and it pwns. It would be the Top Post on SuccessBlog.com.
You know how Wayne Campbell says “This blows goats. I have proof”? Well Harper’s Globe is the COMPLETE opposite of that. It goats blows.
Picture the most amazing thing you can think of that doesn’t include a monkey wearing two tuxedos (ONE tux wasn’t formal enough!). So you’re probably imagining something like this: Keanu Reeves is whoa-ing in bullet time while Rachel McAdams makes out with Ryan Gosling on a pier, Rocky is boxing a Russian, Vince Vaughn is talking a mile a minute at nothing in particular, Reese Witherspoon is gathering nuts for the winter (because she is a squirrel), The Zellweger is hitting the wall, Guy Pierce is taking Polaroids of you, Mel Gibson is shaking hands with Jews, Megan Fox is bending over every car in the parking lot, the Terminator just showed up and is all “come with me if you want to live” but you’re holding out for Michael Beihn cause you’re a child of the 80′s, somehow you have a working lightsaber in your hand and Vader is NOT your father but IS a really cool Uncle, Chris Farley is suddenly alive and falling into coffee tables, Beyonce is singing Halo on a loop, ’99 Britney is rocking her catholic schoolgirl outfit and asking you to hit her baby, one more time, Molly Ringwald wants to go to Prom with you, Ferris Bueller is dedicating Beatles songs to you, Chazz is asking you about a gangster named Keyser Soze, Ben Affleck is saying that YOU were the bomb in Phantoms, your abs are as jacked as King Leonidas, you’re saving hostages on the top of Nakatomi Plaza, everything is in that James Cameron-style blue filter that makes you look kickass and THIN, your hair is better than Don Draper’s best day side-sweep and this is all being filmed using that one Spielberg shot wear the camera zooms in on the actors but the background goes all wide and blurry, like when Chief Brody first sees the shark in Jaws.
This is better than that.
Listen to my mouth words here and peep the star of our show:
Like you don’t want to spend time with her? Like that isn’t the punim that launched a thousand frenzied Google searches (real name = Melanie Merkosky. Have fun!)? You’re actually telling me this? And expecting me to believe you? Go fuck yourself.
So watch it, comment on it, help me make it a success. Because I don’t slave all day making high-quality web entertainment so that it can be ignored. Get on this, people!